by Regan Ure
"Come on, Jordan," she said. "Since I moved out I don't get to see you much."
For another few moments I wrestled with keeping my sanity or giving in and taking the chance I could bump into Slater. But I missed my friend and I couldn't pass up the chance to see her.
"Sure," I said. "Count me in."
"That's great," she said. I didn't feel great. I felt physically sick at the chance of seeing Slater again. Not knowing was too much to deal with.
"Slater will be there." She answered my unspoken question like she could read into my prolonged silence.
"Okay," I said. The wound in my chest reared to life with a pain that felt like a knife twisting deep into my body. It was a little harder to breathe.
"I know it might be awkward but we haven't seen him in ages," she babbled on. "Are you sure you're okay with it?"
She was giving me the chance to make a big deal out of it but I didn't go with my gut instinct and decline. Instead I said, "It'll be fine."
I could hear the relief in her voice as she began to give me the details of when and where. I listened but with my mind buzzing with the idea of seeing him again.
I had four days to get myself together before I had to see him again. Although, I didn't think four days would stop me from hurting when I saw him and knew he wasn't mine anymore. But had he ever been? I wasn't sure how to answer that question.
Connor called me on the way back to the apartment.
"How are you?" he asked. It was a loaded a question and I knew it.
"I'm fine." It was my standard response.
"I'm worried about you," he said, and I brushed my hair out of my face. "You sound so sad."
I swallowed the emotion I felt.
"It sucks when the guy you love doesn't want you anymore," I said. It wasn't news. He knew we had broken up. "But like every other girl who has had her heart broken, I have to pick myself up and carry on."
"Do you want me to talk to him?" he offered, and I was already shaking my head.
"No, please don't do that." I didn't want people interfering. "It will just make it worse."
"I don't like that you're hurting." I was touched.
"I'll be okay. I promise," I assured him with a confidence I didn't really feel.
"Fine. If you need anything, just call."
I let an emotional breath out when he ended the call. Hearing from Connor only made me wonder how things with Shannon and Slater were going. I had to remind myself it wasn't my business.
"That's it!" Levi said when I entered the apartment.
"What?" I asked him while he stood in the doorway of the kitchen, shaking his head at me.
What had I done wrong?
"I can't take it anymore," he said. I put my bag down and walked past him to the living room.
I didn't want to talk about it. I was trying the best I could and I didn't know a better way to deal with it.
"Knowing he did this to you makes me want to physically hurt him," Levi said, taking me by surprise. He was the least violent person I knew, so for him to admit that was so unlike him.
"It isn't his fault," I said. I didn't want to tell him that it was my fault but if he kept pushing I wouldn't have a choice.
"I need to know what happened," he said, his eyes fierce and angry. He crossed his arms.
He wasn't going to stop.
"It was my fault," I admitted, feeling that familiar feeling of defeat that my actions had broken us up. I slumped down on the sofa and averted my gaze from his.
"I can't go into the details but I needed to understand something that happened in his past. Instead of leaving it up to him to explain, I asked Connor to look into it for me."
His anger began to wane when he realized it had been my own fault.
"Don't be so hard on yourself," he said, sitting beside me on the sofa. "We all make mistakes."
He put his arm around me, and I lay my head on his shoulder.
"A mistake he couldn't forgive," I said. "And I can't blame him for that."
I knew what it was like having something you didn't want people to know, even your closest friends. It only took me imagining how I would have felt if Slater had gone snooping into my past and discovered it.
"I'm sorry, Jordan," he said, squeezing me a little tighter.
After a little while he stood up and I looked up at him.
"Let's go out," he insisted, and I shook my head. I wasn't in the mood to go out and be around people.
"Come on." He wasn't taking no for an answer. "We can go bowling or something."
He gave me that determined look that told me I was fighting a losing battle. He extended his hand to mine and I gave him one last look before I gave in, putting my hand in his.
He pulled me to my feet.
"No more talking about Slater," I said. I didn't want to spend any more time talking about a hopeless situation. If I had any chance of working my way through this heartache, I needed to stop talking about him.
"You got it." He flashed me a winning smile. "I promise you will have fun."
A short while later we arrived at the bowling alley. It was the first time since the breakup that I smiled and laughed. I thought I was bad at bowling… Levi had absolutely no coordination. It was so funny.
I suppressed a smile when he missed all the pins again. He turned to glare at me. I beat him and he asked for a rematch.
I hadn't expected to enjoy it but I did. It was nice to get out and spend time away from the four walls of my bedroom or the confines of school. For once I could breathe.
* * *
For the rest of the week, Slater dominated my thoughts. No matter what I was doing or where I was, I thought about him constantly.
Steven messaged me the number for the psychiatrist and I made an appointment for Thursday afternoon. Dr. Krass. Evidently she was an older woman with a lot of experience.
I felt nervous when I met her for the first time but she smiled and that was enough to put me at ease. It was still too early to talk about my childhood stuff so I spoke more about my recent breakup and how I felt about it.
I hated rehashing the pain of the last five weeks but I did feel a little better when I left her office. Feeling hopeful, I made another appointment for the next week.
One step at a time.
* * *
The next day dragged on and it worsened the nervousness I felt. I hadn't seen Slater in over five weeks and I had no idea how he was going to act around me. Would he completely ignore me?
The closer it got to leaving for the bar, the more ill I felt. Maybe it would have been better to have seen him before this. I didn't want to make things uncomfortable for my friends.
A knock at the door pulled me out of my heavy thoughts and I wiped my hands on my jeans. I exhaled before I opened the door.
"Matthew!" I cried. I jumped as he held his arms out, catching me and embracing me.
"Jordan," he said, carrying me into the apartment. He closed the door with his foot.
"I missed you." I breathed in, hugging him harder.
"Me too."
I had no idea he would be in town and it was a nice surprise. Levi stood watching as Matthew walked into the living room and set me down beside the sofa. Levi shook hands with Matthew.
We didn't get a lot of time to catch up before we had to leave to meet the rest of the gang. I felt a little better now that I had Matthew with me.
"How are you doing?" he asked in the car on the way to the bar where we were meeting up with everyone else. He gave me a side-glance as I gripped my hands together tighter.
"I'm good," I said, and he raised an eyebrow, not believing me.
"It sucks but I can't do anything to change what happened," I finally admitted. I felt the sting of tears before my eyes began to water.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I've been worried about you."
"I'm trying the best I can," I said, wiping the tears away. "But it hasn't been easy."
"I know." His hand covered mine.
We were the first to arrive so I had a chance to dash to the bathroom to clean up my makeup. I didn't want anyone to see I had been crying.
It took a fifteen-minute pep talk and a couple of deep breaths before I worked up the courage to walk back out.
My heart skipped a beat when I saw a familiar figure seated at the table. Everyone around us disappeared into the background. There was only him. My lungs squeezed as I halted.
Breathe, I told myself.
It hurt to look at him. He was talking to Matthew, and whatever Matthew said to him made him frown. I was too caught up in my reaction to seeing him for the first time in five weeks to wonder what they were talking about.
He hadn't seen me yet. The urge to make a run for it was so tempting but I had to face him sometime. If not tonight, there would be another. It was better for me to just get it over and done with.
No running, I told myself sternly. I would face him, I would show him I was okay and that I could do this. I would sit across from him for our friends' sake and not make it uncomfortable.
My feet felt like lead as I stepped closer to the table. Matthew was the first to see me. Slater's eyes followed his to mine.
The hit was instant. It vibrated through me and I swear time slowed down as our eyes connected. I tried to keep calm. My lips tipped upward in a half-smile, not quite committing to a full one.
The pain that had ebbed was stirred to life and I was transported back to the time when he had told me we were over. I swallowed my hurt as I reached the table.
"Hi," I said, trying to do my best.
He didn't say anything; instead, he kept watching me.
Matthew turned to glare at Slater but I put my hand on his arm as I sat down beside him, using him as a buffer between Slater and me.
"Don't," I whispered under my breath. It was bad enough without Matthew making a scene.
He frowned, looking like he was wrestling between what he wanted to do and what I needed him to do.
Thankfully our attention was distracted when Sin arrived with Taylor. An extra two people eased the tension that had been building up between Matthew and Slater.
There were hugs as Sin and Taylor sat down. I kept a smile fixed on my face for my friend, making sure I kept my eyes away from the bad boy watching me.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
We watched as Sin proposed to Taylor. I was so happy for her. Sin slid the ring onto her finger.
The happiness and love that shone in their eyes for each other was beautiful to witness. This was love triumphing and I felt the rise of emotion. My eyes teared up.
I should have known but I hadn't. Like everyone else, I had been totally surprised. The appearance of Connor should have been a clear indication of what was going to transpire tonight.
I hugged my friend and told her how happy I was for her.
They looked lost in a world of their own as they looked at each other, knowing they had met their partner who would walk their path together. As happy as I was for them, I felt the loss of what I would not have with Slater.
Just thinking of him made me look across the table at him. The flicker of the candle's flame on the table caught in his eyes as our gazes met.
Could he feel my pain? Was it written in my eyes? Connor touched my arm, breaking the intense stare.
I wiped the tears under his concerned look.
"I'm happy," I told him, and he arched an eyebrow at me.
"Really?" He looked doubtful.
I nodded. "It's emotional. They've been through so much and they deserve to have their happy ending."
"No such thing," he argued, watching his sister and Sin talking. I frowned.
"Of course there is," I argued back. It was the first time I got a glimpse of Connor's cynical side.
"I disagree," he stated, crossing his arms and leaning back in his seat like there was no further argument.
I looked at Matthew.
"Back me up here."
"One day he'll meet the one woman who will turn his world upside down and that will convert him." He shrugged.
Connor shook his head. "It'll never happen."
Matthew just gave him a knowing smile.
I had never seen Connor with a woman before. It was difficult to imagine him in love with someone. It didn't seem to fit his personality. My eyes moved to Matthew. He was someone I could see committed to a special someone one day.
My eyes dropped to my hands. What did people see when they looked at me? Was I a Connor or a Matthew?
I had two bodyguards for the rest of the evening. Connor sat on one side of me and Matthew on the other. They made sure I never found myself in an awkward position of having to talk to Slater.
There were a few times I felt his eyes on me. A part of me wondered what he was thinking but the part of me that still hurt didn't want to analyze it. I couldn't hold on to the hope that we had a chance of fixing the mess between us. He had made his choice and I needed to respect it even if it was hard to accept.
My eyes stayed on my watch, working out when I could leave without being rude. As happy as I was for Taylor and Sin, being around Slater wasn't easy.
An hour and a half later I decided I was done. My nerves were stretched and even the little alcohol I had drunk hadn't helped.
"You want to go home?" Matthew asked, watching me check my watch again.
"Would you mind?" I asked.
He looked at Slater, who was busy talking to Sin, before nodding his head.
"Sure," he said.
I grabbed my jacket and slid it on while I plastered a smile to my lips to hide the disarray I felt inside. In my peripheral vision, I saw Slater look at me but I refused to make eye contact. I had done better than I had expected but it was time to retreat back to a safe place to recover.
"Take care, Jordan," Connor said, giving me a brief embrace. "I'll call to check up on you soon."
I nodded. "Thanks."
"I need to go," I said to Taylor. She stood and hugged me goodbye.
"I'll call you tomorrow," she said. She understood my need to leave.
"Congrats," I said to Sin before giving him a brief hug.
I made sure not to make eye contact with Slater. If I had been stronger I would have looked him straight in the eye and said goodbye, but I was scared it would make me waver.
Even though he had hurt me, I still loved him too much and I couldn't trust myself around him.
"You okay?" Matthew asked when we left the pub and he threw an arm around my shoulders. I leaned against him as we walked.
"Yeah, I'll be okay."
I just needed time to find a way to deal with my feelings for Slater and find a way to love him less. There had to be a way.
Matthew stayed in the apartment, using the spare room. We stayed up and drank hot chocolate before calling it a night.
* * *
The next morning, with my hair still in disarray, I followed the smell of coffee to the kitchen.
"Morning," I said to Matthew, who was leaning against the counter and holding his cup of coffee.
I poured myself some too and breathed it in before turning to face him.
"Hi." His dimpled grin made me smile.
I was sad he wasn't going to stay longer. Having him around lessened the heaviness of what I was feeling.
"Do you have to go back today?" I asked, hoping there might still be a chance he could stay, even if it was just for one more day.
"Yes."
I pressed my lips together. Levi entered the kitchen.
"Coffee," he mumbled, heading straight to pour himself some of the soothing dark liquid.
There was a knock at the door.
"I'll get it," Matthew said as he left to answer it.
"Now I know why you miss him so much," Levi said after taking his first sip of the coffee Matthew made.
I smiled at him.
"I don't think it's a good idea," I heard Matthew say. Levi looked at me, and I shrugged. Curious, I stepped int
o the hallway to see Slater in the doorway. Our eyes met and I felt that familiar feeling of renewed hurt.
What was he doing here?
"I want to talk to Jordan," he said while his eyes held mine. The determined look he gave me told me he wasn't going to leave without talking to me.
Matthew turned to me, and I nodded, so he let him in.
"We can talk in my room," I said, turning to walk there. I put my coffee down on the table and turned to face him. I tried to tidy my hair, aware I was still dressed in my pajamas and I hadn't even brushed my hair yet. I had managed to brush my teeth. He closed the door behind him. His presence sucked the air out of the room and I found it more difficult to breathe. I wasn't going to allow him to affect me so I fought to appear to be unaffected by him.
Being alone with him wasn't ideal but I didn't want to have a conversation with him in front of Matthew and Levi.
"Why are you here?" I asked him, crossing my arms.
He remained silent as he studied me. Even though I felt so much hurt and anger toward him, my heart fluttered at the sight of him.
"We need to talk," he said. I frowned.
"I have nothing to say to you," I said, shutting him down.
"Just let me say what I need to and if you want me to leave I will."
I looked down at my watch. "You have five minutes."
"I was wrong to handle the situation like I did. I wasn't thinking straight." He looked so vulnerable I fought the urge to protect him. Remembering how he had treated me the last time was enough for me to stay strong.
"I was hurting," he explained, but I refused to allow his vulnerability to lessen my anger or ease my hurt. "Finding out the younger sister I have been mourning is alive and well and living under an assumed name was difficult to process."
It was no excuse for the way he had treated me. The truth was this hadn't just been one time. He had walked out on me so many times, breaking a piece of me that was now impossible to fix.
"I was angry you went behind my back. I didn't tell you about Shannon's suicide because I blamed myself for it. My actions led us to foster care and that made me responsible for her death. It's not something I was ready to reveal to anyone. Only Sin knew."
