Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you’ll be seated. — [They sit.] Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value the ineffectual qualities in a woman! few think how a little knowledge becomes a gentlewoman! — Men have no sense now but for the worthless flower of beauty!
ABSOLUTE It is but too true, indeed, ma’am; — yet I fear our ladies should share the blame — they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom. — Few, like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once!
Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding. — He is the very pine-apple of politeness! — You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows anything of.
ABSOLUTE Oh, I have heard the silly affair before. — I’m not at all prejudiced against her on that account.
Mrs. MALAPROP You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again; — I have since laid Sir Anthony’s preposition before her; but, I am sorry to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her.
ABSOLUTE
It must be very distressing, indeed, ma’am.
Mrs. MALAPROP Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree. — I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in my pocket.
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Oh, the devil! my last note.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, here it is.
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy.
Mrs. MALAPROP
There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.]
ABSOLUTE I think I have seen the hand before — yes, I certainly must have seen this hand before ——
Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, but read it, captain.
ABSOLUTE
[Reads.] My soul’s idol, my adored Lydia! — Very tender, indeed!
Mrs. MALAPROP
Tender! ay, and profane too, o’ my conscience.
ABSOLUTE [Reads.] I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my new rival ——
Mrs. MALAPROP
That’s you, sir.
ABSOLUTE [Reads.] Has universally the character of being an accomplished gentleman and a man of honour. — Well, that’s handsome enough.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.
ABSOLUTE
That he had, I’ll answer for him, ma’am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
But go on, sir — you’ll see presently.
ABSOLUTE [Reads.] As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you — Who can he mean by that?
Mrs. MALAPROP Me, sir! — me! — he means me! — There — what do you think now? — but go on a little further.
ABSOLUTE Impudent scoundrel! — [Reads.] it shall go hard but I will elude her vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes her dress up her coarse features, and deck her dull chat with hard words which she don’t understand ——
Mrs. MALAPROP There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that? — an aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!
ABSOLUTE He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see — [Reads.] same ridiculous vanity ——
Mrs. MALAPROP
You need not read it again, sir.
ABSOLUTE I beg pardon, ma’am. — [Reads.] does also lay her open to the grossest deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration — an impudent coxcomb! — so that I have a scheme to see you shortly with the old harridan’s consent, and even to make her a go-between in our interview. — Was ever such assurance!
Mrs. MALAPROP Did you ever hear anything like it? — he’ll elude my vigilance, will he — yes, yes! ha! ha! he’s very likely to enter these doors; — we’ll try who can plot best!
ABSOLUTE So we will, ma’am — so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha! ha! — Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a little time — let her even plot an elopement with him — then do you connive at her escape — while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.
Mrs. MALAPROP
I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated!
ABSOLUTE But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now? — I should like to try her temper a little.
Mrs. MALAPROP Why, I don’t know — I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this kind. There is a decorum in these matters.
ABSOLUTE
O Lord! she won’t mind me — only tell her Beverley ——
Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir!
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Gently, good tongue.
Mrs. MALAPROP
What did you say of Beverley?
ABSOLUTE Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest, that it was Beverley who was below; she’d come down fast enough then — ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. MALAPROP ’Twould be a trick she well deserves; besides, you know the fellow tells her he’ll get my consent to see her — ha! ha! Let him if he can, I say again. Lydia, come down here! — [Calling.] He’ll make me a go-between in their interviews! — ha! ha! ha! Come down, I say, Lydia! I don’t wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly ridiculous.
ABSOLUTE
’Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma’am, ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. MALAPROP
The little hussy won’t hear. Well, I’ll go and tell her at once who it
is — she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her. And
I’ll make her behave as becomes a young woman.
ABSOLUTE
As you please, ma’am.
Mrs. MALAPROP For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you’ve not done laughing yet, I see — elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit.]
ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at once, and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia’s caprice, that to undeceive were probably to lose her. I’ll see whether she knows me. [Walks aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures.]
[Enter LYDIA.]
LYDIA What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more dreadful than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a stranger to one’s heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who have appealed in behalf of their favoured lover to the generosity of his rival — suppose I were to try it — there stands the hated rival — an officer too! — but oh, how unlike my Beverley! I wonder he don’t begin — truly he seems a very negligent wooer! — quite at his ease, upon my word! — I’ll speak first — Mr. Absolute.
ABSOLUTE
Ma’am. [Turns round.]
LYDIA
O heavens! Beverley!
ABSOLUTE
Hush; — hush, my life! softly! be not surprised!
LYDIA I am so astonished! and so terrified! and so overjoyed! — for Heaven’s sake! how came you here?
ABSOLUTE Briefly, I have deceived your aunt — I was informed that my new rival was to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away, have passed myself on her for Captain Absolute.
LYDIA
O charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute?
ABSOLUTE
Oh, she’s convinced
of it.
LYDIA Ha! ha! ha! I can’t forbear laughing to think how her sagacity is overreached!
ABSOLUTE But we trifle with our precious moments — such another opportunity may not occur; then let me now conjure my kind, my condescending angel, to fix the time when I may rescue her from undeserving persecution, and with a licensed warmth plead for my reward.
LYDIA Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry wealth? — that burden on the wings of love?
ABSOLUTE Oh, come to me — rich only thus — in loveliness! Bring no portion to me but thy love— ‘twill be generous in you, Lydia — for well you know, it is the only dower your poor Beverley can repay.
LYDIA [Aside.] How persuasive are his words! — how charming will poverty be with him!
ABSOLUTE Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and support! we will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of calamity, we will enjoy the wreck of wealth; while the surrounding gloom of adversity shall make the flame of our pure love show doubly bright. By Heavens! I would fling all goods of fortune from me with a prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might clasp my Lydia to my bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but here — [Embracing her.] [Aside.] If she holds out now, the devil is in it!
LYDIA [Aside.] Now could I fly with him to the antipodes! but my persecution is not yet come to a crisis.
[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP, listening.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports herself.
ABSOLUTE
So pensive, Lydia! — is then your warmth abated?
Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] Warmth abated! — so! — she has been in a passion, I suppose.
LYDIA
No — nor ever can while I have life.
Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] An ill tempered little devil! She’ll be in a passion all her life — will she?
LYDIA Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any weight with me.
Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] Very dutiful, upon my word!
LYDIA
Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine.
Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] I am astonished at her assurance! — to his face — this is to his face!
ABSOLUTE
Thus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling.]
Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.] Ay, poor young man! — down on his knees entreating for pity! — I can contain no longer. — [Coming forward.] Why, thou vixen! — I have overheard you.
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Oh, confound her vigilance!
Mrs. MALAPROP Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking rudeness.
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all’s safe, I find. — [Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, that time will bring the young lady ——
Mrs. MALAPROP Oh, there’s nothing to be hoped for from her! she’s as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile.
LYDIA
Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now?
Mrs. MALAPROP Why, thou unblushing rebel — didn’t you tell this gentleman to his face that you loved another better? — didn’t you say you never would be his?
LYDIA
No, madam — I did not.
Mrs. MALAPROP Good heavens! what assurance! — Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that lying don’t become a young woman! — Didn’t you boast that Beverley, that stroller Beverley, possessed your heart? — Tell me that, I say.
LYDIA
’Tis true, ma’am, and none but Beverley ——
Mrs. MALAPROP
Hold! — hold, Assurance! — you shall not be so rude.
ABSOLUTE Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don’t stop the young lady’s speech: she’s very welcome to talk thus — it does not hurt me in the least, I assure you.
Mrs. MALAPROP You are too good, captain — too amiably patient — but come with me, miss. — Let us see you again soon, captain — remember what we have fixed.
ABSOLUTE
I shall, ma’am.
Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman.
LYDIA
May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev ——
Mrs. MALAPROP
Hussy! I’ll choke the word in your throat! — come along — come along.
[Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA — Mrs.
MALAPROP stopping her from speaking.]
Scene IV
ACRES’ Lodgings. [ACRES, as just dressed, and DAVID.]
ACRES
Indeed, David — do you think I become it so?
DAVID You are quite another creature, believe me, master, by the mass! an’ we’ve any luck we shall see the Devon mon kerony in all the print-shops in Bath!
ACRES
Dress does make a difference, David.
DAVID
’Tis all in all, I think. — Difference! why, an’ you were to go now to
Clod-Hall, I am certain the old lady wouldn’t know you: Master Butler
wouldn’t believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve
me! our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door, and I warrant Dolly
Tester, your honour’s favourite, would blush like my waistcoat. — Oons!
I’ll hold a gallon, there ain’t a dog in the house but would bark, and
I question whether Phillis would wag a hair of her tail!
ACRES
Ay, David, there’s nothing like polishing.
DAVID
So I says of your honour’s boots; but the boy never heeds me!
ACRES But, David, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing, and chasing, and boring.
DAVID
I’ll call again, sir.
ACRES
Do — and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.
DAVID I will. — By the mass, I can’t help looking at your head! — if I hadn’t been by at the cooking, I wish I may die if I should have known the dish again myself! [Exit.]
ACRES [Practising a dancing-step.] Sink, slide — coupee. — Confound the first inventors of cotillions! say I — they are as bad as algebra to us country gentlemen — I can walk a minuet easy enough when I am forced! — and I have been accounted a good stick in a country-dance. — Odds jigs and tabors! I never valued your cross-over to couple — figure in — right and left — and I’d foot it with e’er a captain in the county! — but these outlandish heathen allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me! — I shall never prosper at ’em, that’s sure — mine are true-born English legs — they don’t understand their curst French lingo! — their pas this, and pas that, and pas t’other! — damn me! my feet don’t like to be called paws! no, ’tis certain I have most Antigallican toes!
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT
Here is Sir Lucius O’Trigger to wait on you, sir.
ACRES
Show him in.
[Exit SERVANT.]
[Enter Sir LUCIUS O’TRIGGER.]
Sir LUCIUS
Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.
ACRES
My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.
Sir LUCIUS
Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?
ACRES Faith! I have followed Cupid’s Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a quagmire at last. — In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius. — I don’t choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.
Sir LUCIUS
Pray what is the case? — I ask no names.
ACRES Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young lady — her friends take my part — I follow her to Bath — send word of my arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed of. — This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used.
Sir LUCI
US
Very ill, upon my conscience. — Pray, can you divine the cause of it?
ACRES Why, there’s the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am told, is now in Bath. — Odds slanders and lies! he must be at the bottom of it.
Sir LUCIUS A rival in the case, is there? — and you think he has supplanted you unfairly?
ACRES
Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.
Sir LUCIUS
Then sure you know what is to be done!
ACRES
Not I, upon my soul!
Sir LUCIUS
We wear no swords here, but you understand me.
ACRES
What! fight him!
Sir LUCIUS
Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?
ACRES
But he has given me no provocation.
Sir LUCIUS Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach of friendship.
ACRES
Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man.
I never saw him in my life.
Sir LUCIUS That’s no argument at all — he has the less right then to take such a liberty.
ACRES Gad, that’s true — I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius! — I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn’t I contrive to have a little right of my side?
Sir LUCIUS What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? No, by my soul, they drew their broad-swords, and left the lazy sons of peace to settle the justice of it.
ACRES Your words are a grenadier’s march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were — a kind of courage, as I may say. — Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I’ll challenge him directly.
Sir LUCIUS Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O’Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man! — For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever.
Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan Page 6
