CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don’t believe even Moses can direct you.
MOSES. I know nothing of books.
SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have ’em a bargain!
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn’t sell your forefathers, would you?
CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts?
CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up! — [Aloud.] What the plague, have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd’s life! do you take me for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own flesh and blood?
CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don’t be angry: what need you care, if you have your money’s worth?
SIR OLIVER. Well, I’ll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of the family canvas. — [Aside.] Oh, I’ll never forgive him this! never!
Re-enter CARELESS
CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
CHARLES. I can’t come yet. I’faith, we are going to have a sale above stairs; here’s little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!
CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay, Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer — so come along with us.
CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that’s the case. I can handle a hammer as well as a dice box! Going! going!
SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]
CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad’s life, little Premium, you don’t seem to like the business?
SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one’s family by auction — ha! ha! — [Aside.] Oh, the prodigal!
CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can’t make free with his own relations?
[Exeunt.]
SIR OLIVER. I’ll never forgive him; never! never!
ACT IV
SCENE I.
A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE’S House
Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS
CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in; — here they are, the family of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-painting; no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance, yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no; the merit of these is the inveterate likeness — all stiff and awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here’s an old gouty chair of my grandfather’s will answer the purpose.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven’t a hammer; and what’s an auctioneer without his hammer?
CHARLES. Egad, that’s true. What parchment have we here? Oh, our genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless, you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here’s the family tree for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue! — an ex post facto parricide! [Aside.]
CARELESS. Yes, yes, here’s a list of your generation indeed; — faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have found for the business, for ‘twill not only serve as a hammer, but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin — A-going, a-going, a-going!
CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here’s my great uncle, Sir Richard Ravelin, a marvellous good general in his day, I assure you. He served in all the Duke of Marlborough’s wars, and got that cut over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium? look at him — there’s a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals, as a general should be. What do you bid?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I’m sure that’s not dear for a staff-officer.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds! — [Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard. — Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten — the sheep are worth the money.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself! — [Aloud.] Five pounds ten — she’s mine.
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were a sort of cousins of theirs. — You see, Moses, these pictures were done some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little lower in those days.
CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.
MOSES. ’Tis a good bargain.
CHARLES. Careless! — This, now, is a grandfather of my mother’s, a learned judge, well known on the western circuit, — What do you rate him at, Moses?
MOSES. Four guineas.
CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad’s life, you don’t bid me the price of his wig. — Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack; do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
SIR OLIVER. By all means.
CARELESS. Gone!
CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt, Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what’s very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever bought or sold.
SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I’ll take them at your own price, for the honour of Parliament.
CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I’ll knock them down at forty.
CHARLES. Here’s a jolly fellow — I don’t know what relation, but he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.
CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I’ll throw you the two aldermen here into the bargain.
SIR OLIVER. They’re mine.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But, plague on’t! we shall be all day retailing in this manner; do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium? Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine. But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don’t think him so ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that’s my uncle Oliver! ’Twas done before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you’ll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on’t. Don’t you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes w
ith the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I’ll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow has been very good to me, and, egad, I’ll keep his picture while I’ve a room to put it in.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue’s my nephew after all! — [Aloud.] But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy to that picture.
CHARLES. I’m sorry for’t, for you certainly will not have it. Oons, haven’t you got enough of them?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] I forgive him everything! — [Aloud.] But, Sir, when I take a whim in my head, I don’t value money. I’ll give you as much for that as for all the rest.
CHARLES. Don’t tease me, master broker; I tell you I’ll not part with it, and there’s an end of it.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] How like his father the dog is. — [Aloud.] Well, well, I have done. — [Aside.] I did not perceive it before, but I think I never saw such a striking resemblance. — [Aloud.] Here is a draught for your sum.
CHARLES. Why, ’tis for eight hundred pounds!
SIR OLIVER. You will not let Sir Oliver go?
CHARLES. Zounds! no! I tell you, once more.
SIR OLIVER. Then never mind the difference, we’ll balance that another time. But give me your hand on the bargain; you are an honest fellow, Charles — I beg pardon, sir, for being so free. — Come, Moses.
CHARLES. Egad, this is a whimsical old fellow! — But hark’ee, Premium, you’ll prepare lodgings for these gentlemen.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, yes, I’ll send for them in a day or two.
CHARLES. But, hold; do now send a genteel conveyance for them, for, I assure you, they were most of them used to ride in their own carriages.
SIR OLIVER. I will, I will — for all but Oliver.
CHARLES. Ay, all but the little nabob.
SIR OLIVER. You’re fixed on that?
CHARLES. Peremptorily.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] A dear extravagant rogue! — [Aloud.] Good day! Come, Moses. — [Aside.] Let me hear now who dares call him profligate!
[Exit with MOSES.]
CARELESS. Why, this is the oddest genius of the sort I ever met with!
CHARLES. Egad, he’s the prince of brokers, I think. I wonder how the devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow. — Ha! here’s Rowley. — Do, Careless, say I’ll join the company in a few moments.
CARELESS. I will — but don’t let that old blockhead persuade you to squander any of that money on old musty debts, or any such nonsense; for tradesmen, Charles, are the most exorbitant fellows.
CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only encouraging them.
CARELESS. Nothing else.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, never fear. —
[Exit CARELESS.]
So! this was an odd old fellow, indeed. Let me see, two-thirds of these
five hundred and thirty odd pounds are mine by right. Fore Heaven!
I find one’s ancestors are more valuable relations than I took them
for! — Ladies and gentlemen, your most obedient and very grateful
servant. [Bows ceremoniously to the pictures.]
Enter ROWLEY
Ha! old Rowley! egad, you are just come in time to take leave of your old acquaintance.
ROWLEY. Yes, I heard they were a-going. But I wonder you can have such spirits under so many distresses.
CHARLES. Why, there’s the point! my distresses are so many, that I can’t affort to part with my spirits; but I shall be rich and splenetic, all in good time. However, I suppose you are surprised that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near relations; to be sure, ’tis very affecting; but you see they never move a muscle, so why should I?
ROWLEY. There’s no making you serious a moment.
CHARLES. Yes, faith, I am so now. Here, my honest Rowley, here, get me this changed directly, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley.
ROWLEY. A hundred pounds! Consider only ——
CHARLES. Gad’s life, don’t talk about it! poor Stanley’s wants are pressing, and, if you don’t make haste, we shall have some one call that has a better right to the money.
ROWLEY. Ah! there’s the point! I never will cease dunning you with the old proverb ——
CHARLES. BE JUST BEFORE YOU’RE GENEROUS. — Why, so I would if I could; but Justice is an old hobbling beldame, and I can’t get her to keep pace with Generosity, for the soul of me.
ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me, one hour’s reflection ——
CHARLES. Ay, ay, it’s very true; but, hark’ee, Rowley, while I have, by Heaven I’ll give; so, damn your economy! and now for hazard.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II.
The Parlour
Enter SIR OLIVER and MOSES
MOSES. Well sir, I think as Sir Peter said you have seen Mr. Charles in high Glory— ’tis great Pity He’s so extravagant.
SIR OLIVER. True — but he would not sell my Picture —
MOSES. And loves wine and women so much —
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn’t sell my Picture.
MOSES. And game so deep —
SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn’t sell my Picture. O — here’s Rowley!
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. So — Sir Oliver — I find you have made a Purchase ——
SIR OLIVER. Yes — yes — our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors like old Tapestry — sold Judges and Generals by the foot — and maiden Aunts as cheap as broken China. —
ROWLEY. And here has he commissioned me to re-deliver you Part of the purchase-money — I mean tho’ in your necessitous character of old Stanley ——
MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity of all! He is so damned charitable.
ROWLEY. And I left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall — who I’m sure won’t be paid, and this hundred would satisfy ’em.
SIR OLIVER. Well — well — I’ll pay his debts and his Benevolences too — I’ll take care of old Stanley — myself — But now I am no more a Broker, and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Stanley ——
ROWLEY. Not yet a while — Sir Peter I know means to call there about this time.
Enter TRIP
TRIP. O Gentlemen — I beg Pardon for not showing you out — this way — Moses, a word.
[Exit TRIP with MOSES.]
SIR OLIVER. There’s a Fellow for you — Would you believe it that Puppy intercepted the Jew, on our coming, and wanted to raise money before he got to his master!
ROWLEY. Indeed!
SIR OLIVER. Yes — they are now planning an annuity Business — Ah Master Rowley[,] in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their Masters when they were worn a little Thread Bare but now they have their Vices like their Birth Day cloaths with the gloss on.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III.
A Library
SURFACE and SERVANT
SURFACE. No letter from Lady Teazle?
SERVANT. No Sir —
SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn’t sent if she is prevented from coming — ! Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me — yet I wish I may not lose the Heiress, thro’ the scrape I have drawn myself in with the wife — However, Charles’s imprudence and bad character are great Points in my Favour.
SERVANT. Sir — I believe that must be Lady Teazle —
SURFACE. Hold[!] see — whether it is or not before you go to the Door — I have a particular Message for you if it should be my Brother.
SERVANT. ’Tis her ladyship Sir — She always leaves her Chair at the milliner’s in the next Street.
SURFACE. Stay — stay — draw that Screen before the Window — that will do — my opposite Neighbour is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper! —
[SERVANT draws the screen and exit.]
I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair — Lady Teazle as lately suspected my Views on Maria — but She must by no means be let into that secret, at least till I have her more in my Power.
Enter LADY TEAZLE
LADY TEAZLE. What[!] Sentiment in soliloquy — have yo
u been very impatient now? — O Lud! don’t pretend to look grave — I vow I couldn’t come before ——
SURFACE. O Madam[,] Punctuality is a species of Constancy, a very unfashionable quality in a Lady.
LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you now Sir Peter is grown so ill-tempered to me of Late! and so jealous! of Charles too that’s the best of the story isn’t it?
SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up. [Aside.]
LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him — and then perhaps He would be convinced — don’t you — Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. Indeed I do not. — [Aside.] O certainly I do — for then my dear Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were of my having any design on the silly Girl ——
LADY TEAZLE. Well — well I’m inclined to believe you — besides I really never could perceive why she should have so any admirers.
SURFACE. O for her Fortune — nothing else —
LADY TEAZLE. I believe so for tho’ she is certainly very pretty — yet she has no conversation in the world — and is so grave and reserved — that I declare I think she’d have made an excellent wife for Sir Peter. —
SURFACE. So she would.
LADY TEAZLE. Then — one never hears her speak ill of anybody — which you know is mighty dull —
SURFACE. Yet she doesn’t want understanding —
LADY TEAZLE. No more she does — yet one is always disapointed when one hears [her] speak — For though her Eyes have no kind of meaning in them — she very seldom talks Nonsense.
SURFACE. Nay — nay surely — she has very fine eyes —
LADY TEAZLE. Why so she has — tho’ sometimes one fancies there’s a little sort of a squint —
SURFACE. A squint — O fie — Lady Teazle.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes yes — I vow now — come there is a left-handed Cupid in one eye — that’s the Truth on’t.
SURFACE. Well — his aim is very direct however — but Lady Sneerwell has quite corrupted you.
LADY TEAZLE. No indeed — I have not opinion enough of her to be taught by her, and I know that she has lately rais’d many scandalous hints of me — which you know one always hears from one common Friend, or other.
Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan Page 31
