MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person ——
SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter ——
CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax’d him with the basest ingratitude ——
SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know ——
CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speak — and insisted on immediate ——
SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said ——
CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too — A Pair of Pistols lay on the Bureau — for Mr. Surface — it seems, had come home the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton — so unluckily the Pistols were left Charged ——
SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this ——
CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired — it seems pretty nearly together — Charles’s shot took Place as I tell you — and Sir Peter’s miss’d — but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place — grazed out of the window at a right angle — and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire.
SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle’s account is more circumstantial I must confess — but I believe mine is the true one for all that.
LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they imagine — and must have better information. —
[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell’s alarm is very easily accounted for. —
CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say — but that’s neither here nor there.
MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present ——
CRABTREE. Oh! they — brought him home and He is now in the House, tho’ the Servants are order’d to deny it ——
MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so — and Lady Teazle — I suppose attending him ——
CRABTREE. Yes yes — and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me ——
SIR BENJAMIN. Hey — who comes here ——
CRABTREE. Oh, this is He — the Physician depend on’t.
MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall know ——
Enter SIR OLIVER
CRABTREE. Well, Doctor — what Hopes?
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how’s your Patient?
SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn’t it a wound with a small sword ——
CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax — for a hundred!
SIR OLIVER. Doctor! — a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the Thorax! — oon’s are you mad, good People?
SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter’s then I presume — but, sir, you must have heard of this accident —
SIR OLIVER. Not a word!
CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!
SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro’ the Body ——
CRABTREE. Shot in the breast ——
SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface ——
CRABTREE. Aye the younger.
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts — however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded.
SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.
CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is the most imprudent man alive — For here he comes walking as if nothing at all was the matter.
Enter SIR PETER
Odd’s heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we had just given you over!
SIR BENJAMIN. ‘Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword through your Body, and a Bullet lodg’d in your Thorax?
SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet —
SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill’d you without Law or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not true — and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
SIR PETER. So — so — all over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE. Tho’, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho’ Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he’s very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma’am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE. ’Tis no Uncommon Case, that’s one comfort.
SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony, — I insist on your leaving my house directly!
MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on’t, we’ll make the best report of you we can.
SIR PETER. Leave my house!
CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.
SIR PETER. Leave my House —
SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.
SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke them!
SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter —
SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking — do I ever pass a Day without my Vexations?
SIR OLIVER. Well I’m not Inquisitive — I come only to tell you, that I have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed.
SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are!
ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver — is convinced that your judgment was right Sir Peter.
SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all.
ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He’s a man of Sentiment.
SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes.
ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk.
SIR OLIVER. Oh, He’s a model for the young men of the age! But how’s this, Sir Peter? you don’t Join us in your Friend Joseph’s Praise as I expected.
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better.
ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter — who were never mistaken in your Life?
SIR PETER. Pshaw — Plague on you both — I see by your sneering you have heard — the whole affair — I shall go mad among you!
ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter — we are indeed acquainted with it all — I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface’s so humbled, that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you —
SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too?
SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance!
SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen — hey[?]
SIR OLIVER. Yes yes — and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. ’Twas very pleasant!
SIR OLIVER. I never laugh’d more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha!
ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain!
SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles — to pull Sir Peter out of the closet: ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Ha! ha! ’twas devilish entertaining to be sure —
SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face when the screen was thrown down — ha! ha!
SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I must never show my head again!
> SIR OLIVER. But come — come it isn’t fair to laugh at you neither my old Friend — tho’ upon my soul I can’t help it —
SIR PETER. O pray don’t restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all — I laugh at the whole affair myself — Yes — yes — I think being a standing Jest for all one’s acquaintance a very happy situation — O yes — and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about Mr. S —— , Lady T —— , and Sir P —— , will be so entertaining! — I shall certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again!
ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of Fools — but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room — I am sure you must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does.
SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you — well I’ll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface’s — where I am now returning — if not to reclaim a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy.
SIR PETER. Ah! I’ll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though ’tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries.
SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot that you all live so near one another!
[Exit SIR OLIVER.]
ROWLEY. We’ll follow —
SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley —
ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you perceive. — see she is in Tears — !
SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her. — how dejected she appears —
ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her —
SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife — don’t you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.
ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you —
SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think — you remember Rowley the Letter I found of her’s — evidently intended for Charles?
ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter — laid in your way on Purpose — this is one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on —
SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that — She looks this way —— what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I’ll go to her —
ROWLEY. Certainly —
SIR PETER. Tho’ when it is known that we are reconciled, People will laugh at me ten times more!
ROWLEY. Let — them laugh — and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it.
SIR PETER. Efaith so I will — and, if I’m not mistaken we may yet be the happiest couple in the country —
ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter — He who once lays aside suspicion ——
SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley — if you have any Regard for me — never let me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM to serve me the rest of my Life.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE THE LAST.
The Library
SURFACE and LADY SNEERWELL
LADY SNEERWELL. Impossible! will not Sir Peter immediately be reconciled to CHARLES? and of consequence no longer oppose his union with MARIA? the thought is Distraction to me!
SURFACE. Can Passion — furnish a Remedy?
LADY SNEERWELL. No — nor cunning either. O I was a Fool, an Ideot — to league with such a Blunderer!
SURFACE. Surely Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer — yet you see I bear the accident with Calmness.
LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn’t reached your HEART — your interest only attached you to Maria — had you felt for her — what I have for that ungrateful Libertine — neither your Temper nor Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation.
SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this Disappointment?
LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it? what had you to bate in your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way. — had you not a sufficient field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting your Brother — I hate such an avarice of crimes— ’tis an unfair monopoly and never prospers.
SURFACE. Well I admit I have been to blame — I confess I deviated from the direct Road of wrong but I don’t think we’re so totally defeated neither.
LADY SNEERWELL. No!
SURFACE. You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met — and that you still believe him faithful to us —
LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so.
SURFACE. And that he has undertaken should it be necessary — to swear and prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honour to your Ladyship — which some of his former letters to you will serve to support —
LADY SNEERWELL. This, indeed, might have assisted —
SURFACE. Come — come it is not too late yet — but hark! this is probably my Unkle Sir Oliver — retire to that Room — we’ll consult further when He’s gone. —
LADY SNEERWELL. Well but if HE should find you out to —
SURFACE. O I have no fear of that — Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit sake — and you may depend on’t I shall soon Discover Sir Oliver’s weak side! —
LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities — only be constant to one roguery at a time —
[Exit.]
SURFACE. I will — I will — So ’tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune, to be baited by one’s confederate in evil — well at all events my character is so much better than Charles’s, that I certainly — hey — what! — this is not Sir Oliver — but old Stanley again! — Plague on’t that He should return to teaze me just now — I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here — and ——
Enter SIR OLIVER
Gad’s life, Mr. Stanley — why have you come back to plague me at this time? you must not stay now upon my word!
SIR OLIVER. Sir — I hear your Unkle Oliver is expected here — and tho’ He has been so penurious to you, I’ll try what He’ll do for me —
SURFACE. Sir! ’tis impossible for you to stay now — so I must beg —— come any other time and I promise you you shall be assisted.
SIR OLIVER. No — Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted —
SURFACE. Zounds Sir then [I] insist on your quitting the — Room directly —
SIR OLIVER. Nay Sir ——
SURFACE. Sir — I insist on’t — here William show this Gentleman out. Since you compel me Sir — not one moment — this is such insolence.
[Going to push him out.]
Enter CHARLES
CHARLES. Heyday! what’s the matter now? — what the Devil have you got hold of my little Broker here! Zounds — Brother, don’t hurt little Premium. What’s the matter — my little Fellow?
SURFACE. So! He has been with you, too, has He —
CHARLES. To be sure He has! Why, ’tis as honest a little —— But sure Joseph you have not been borrowing money too have you?
SURFACE. Borrowing — no! — But, Brother — you know sure we expect Sir Oliver every ——
CHARLES. O Gad, that’s true — Noll mustn’t find the little Broker here to be sure —
SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists ——
CHARLES. Stanley — why his name’s Premium —
SURFACE. No no Stanley.
CHARLES. No, no — Premium.
SURFACE. Well no matter which — but ——
CHARLES. Aye aye Stanley or Premium, ’tis the same thing as you say — for I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names, besides A. B’s at the Coffee-House. [Knock.]
SURFACE. ‘Sdeath — here’s Sir Oliver at the Door —— Now I beg — Mr. Stanley ——
CHARLES. Aye aye and I beg Mr. Premium ——
SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen ——
SURFACE. Sir, by Heaven you shall go —
CHARLES. Aye out with him certainly ——
SIR OLIVER. This violence ——
SURFACE. ’Tis your own Fault.
CHARL
ES. Out with him to be sure. [Both forcing SIR OLIVER out.]
Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY
SIR PETER. My old Friend, Sir Oliver! — hey! what in the name of wonder! — Here are dutiful Nephews! — assault their Unkle at his first Visit!
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver ’twas well we came in to rescue you.
ROWLEY. Truly it was — for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of old Stanley was no Protection to you.
SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium either — the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman; and with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my Ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for.
SURFACE. Charles!
CHARLES. Joseph!
SURFACE. ’Tis compleat!
CHARLES. Very!
SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter — my Friend and Rowley too — look on that elder Nephew of mine — You know what He has already received from my Bounty and you know also how gladly I would have look’d on half my Fortune as held in trust for him — judge then my Disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of Truth — Charity — and Gratitude —
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver — I should be more surprized at this Declaration, if I had not myself found him to be selfish — treacherous and Hypocritical.
LADY TEAZLE. And if the Gentleman pleads not guilty to these pray let him call ME to his Character.
SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more — if He knows himself He will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known to the world —
CHARLES. If they talk this way to Honesty — what will they say to ME by and bye!
SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal — his Brother there ——
CHARLES. Aye now comes my Turn — the damn’d Family Pictures will ruin me —
SURFACE. Sir Oliver — Unkle — will you honour me with a hearing —
CHARLES. I wish Joseph now would make one of his long speeches and I might recollect myself a little —
SIR OLIVER. And I suppose you would undertake to vindicate yourself entirely —
SURFACE. I trust I could —
SIR OLIVER. Nay — if you desert your Roguery in its Distress and try to be justified — you have even less principle than I thought you had. — [To CHARLES SURFACE] Well, Sir — and YOU could JUSTIFY yourself too I suppose —
CHARLES. Not that I know of, Sir Oliver.
Delphi Complete Works of Richard Brinsley Sheridan Page 34
