“Is that all?” I interrupt, not wanting to admit that she’s right about the changes I have made.
All of them are Scarlett’s doing. She has made me a better man, whether I’d noticed before or not. Now that Erica is calling my attention to the differences in my life, I know now, more than ever, that I have to get Scarlett back.
Erica shrugs. “I don’t know. I see an improvement in your personality in general. You’re a lot easier to work for now. Quit your moping around and get Dr. O’Brien back. Whatever you did I’m sure she will forgive you. You two have a history together. It’s not like she’s some random woman you picked up at a bar.”
“I’m trying, Erica.” I hold out my hand to the collection of returned packages in my office. “She doesn’t want anything from me.”
“You’re trying to buy her. Money isn’t always the answer. That only works for some women.”
“Would it work on you?”
She chuckles. “No, it most certainly would not. I would want a grand gesture.”
“What kind of gesture?”
“If my boyfriend did something wrong, I would want him to put himself out there and be vulnerable, just like me. You either hurt or offended Dr. O’Brien. She’s not going to forgive you because you sent her a Cartier watch and a new pair of shoes. Gifts are no match for words, but actions say a lot more.”
“I just wish she would end this.” I take a sip of my coffee, wishing it could drown my sorrows.
I have never been this upset about a woman before. The last time I was this affected by a woman was when Scarlett turned me down back in college. It has always been Scarlett. And I let my fucked up bullshit get in the way of our relationship.
“You want Dr. O’Brien to come back to you, right?” I nod, and she continues, “What is the one thing you have in common? Do you guys have a favorite song or movie? Is there something that reminds you of a better time?”
Sex. We have sex and dominance. Submission and order. What’s the one thing those have in common? I stare at Erica with a blank expression, unsure of what we have in common other than sex. We are both therapists who graduated from the same college. I’ve known Scarlett for all of our professional careers, even though we did our best to avoid each other, which is easy to do in a city as large as Los Angeles.
“Think, Dr. Shaw.” Erica folds her arms across her chest and sinks further into the chair, pinning me down with her gaze. “The answer is there. You just have to find it.”
I laugh. “Has anyone ever told you that you should become a shrink? You’d make a good one.”
She smiles. “You think so? I don’t know if I would be any good at listening to problems all day long.”
“If I can do it, so can you. It’s not that hard. You help me all the time without even realizing it. Hell, you even chair my weekly group sessions.”
“You are there, too, Dr. Shaw.”
“Yeah, you do most of the talking, and the patients love you.”
She blushes at my comment. “Well, thank you for that, but we should go back to you and your dilemma. You have to find a way to get Dr. O’Brien to forgive you before you reverse all the good that has come out of seeing her.”
I snicker at her. “You’re bossy today, Erica.”
“Sorry, Dr. Shaw. I’m just looking out for you. Someone needs to do it.”
“Thank you. You are right about Dr. O’Brien. Presents will not win back a woman like Scarlett. The proof is right here in my office.”
“So, what are you going to do?” She sits up straight and leans forward. “Can I help in any way?”
I turn my head to stare out the window.
This sick feeling is the reason I have avoided dating. Before Scarlett, I preferred to spend my time at The Circle with women who understood my lifestyle. Those were the days when I was truly free. Then, Scarlett had to come along and change me. Now, I’m in pain and angry with myself for hurting her.
My mother used to tell me that love felt like someone was punching you in the stomach repeatedly and that the emotions never go away. At one time, she had the whole butterflies and rainbows shit with my dad, but that quickly changed after they were married. He was and still is the most manipulative, self-centered bastard I have ever known.
And I’m just like him.
Scarlett was right about me. I couldn’t deal with hearing those words come from her mouth. She used what I’d told her about my family against me. It pissed me off, as she knew it would.
Damn her.
Scarlett was trying to provoke a reaction from me. It was a counter move that I would have noticed if I wasn’t too busy being an asshole. I played right into her hands.
If we were in the bedroom, what would I do to make her submit? Would she fight me? Would she scream? Would she take it, like the good girl she was for me in the past? Until that fucking safeword flew out of her mouth. We use them in my world for a reason.
She had every right to say hers after how I treated her.
Like an animal.
Like my property.
Once the idea pops into my head, I turn to look at Erica once more, excited about my attempt to connect with Scarlett on a deeper level.
Scarlett’s safeword was the end of our relationship, but what it if it could bring us back together?
It’s worth a shot.
Scarlett
After returning all of Aiden’s gifts, I’ve had enough of his special deliveries. A box from Tiffany’s has no meaning to me. All Aiden has done is show me he’s rich and that he thinks he can buy me. He wants to own me again. Aiden cannot buy me. I let him control me for long enough.
A small part of me wants to believe that I became his submissive to see if I could change a man with his issues. To some extent, our relationship was an experiment gone wrong. Too bad I let my feelings get in the way and cloud my professional judgment.
When I moved out of Aiden’s apartment, I thought he would stop me. But he didn’t even bother. At the very least I expected him to react to me telling him that he was like his father. He didn’t. Instead, Aiden did as I expected. Just as I had fallen into his traps, he fell into mine. I needed to be sure that his therapy was working and that my body wasn’t being bruised and beaten for nothing. And I was right about his therapy being counterproductive. Aiden proved to me that men like him do not change.
Sinking into the chair in my office, I scribble some notes on the notepad in my lap and glance up at my patient. I’ve seen Kenny Sullivan for the past year to help treat his alcohol addiction. He’s been in recovery for over nine months and has made excellent progress with his therapy. If only Aiden were another success case. Not so I could put him in my win column but also so we could take things to the next level.
“You’re doing great, Kenny.”
He smiles. “Thanks, Dr. O’Brien. I’ve been following your advice.”
“I know some days are harder than others. It will be this way for the rest of your life. You will always be an addict. The craving for alcohol will always be there, but I am happy to hear that you turned around when you started driving to the liquor store.”
Kenny scratches the dark stubble on his jaw and looks away from me. “I wish I had enough willpower to stop myself from leaving the house.”
“At least you didn’t go to the store and walk around. You had enough control to say no. I’m proud of you.”
“What should I do if that happens again?”
“I’m afraid you will feel this way for a long time, Kenny. Every time you had a bad day in the past, you would drink. It’s a habit that you need to break. You’re no longer addicted to vodka now that it’s out of your system. Your addiction is in your mind. The brain is very powerful. It can trick you into thinking you need something when you only want it. You see the distinction? Need and want are very different things but many people associate them.”
He nods. “Yes, I understand. I’ll work harder at finding ways to keep myself occupied when this happens aga
in.”
“Do you exercise or have a hobby you could do when you have a bad day and need a release?”
“Yeah, I go to the gym after work a few times a week, and I play around with the old Mustang my dad left me on occasion.”
“You have to replace your old habits with new ones. Maybe find a new favorite drink or a special way to reward yourself.”
“That’s a good idea.”
The buzzer on my cell phone rings, signaling the end of our session. “Well, that’s all the time we have for today, Kenny.” I set the notepad and pen on the table next to me and get up from the chair. “Keep doing what you are doing, and I will see you next week.”
Kenny grabs his jacket from the couch, and I walk him to the door. He thanks me before Brittany calls out to me from behind the front desk. The waiting area is modest, with white walls and the usual mental health pictures on the walls. They say images of flowers and foods are relaxing to people with anxiety.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about the theory until I had a bad day and tested it out for myself. I sat on the leather couch in the waiting room for over an hour, my gaze shifting between the pictures. By the time my hour was up, I was calm and collected, already feeling like myself again. Everything in the office is carefully chosen to help my patients relax. From the rugs to the furniture, all of it was hand selected with that sole purpose in mind.
I come up from behind Brittany and wait for her to finish shuffling through a stack of patient charts. “I have another package for you,” she says, keeping her eyes fixed on the charts. She continues to sort through them and tilts her head forward, motioning to a small box sitting at the edge of her desk. “Do you want to open it before I send it back?”
I lift the black box, about the size of my palm, from the counter and sigh.
Why does Aiden insist on sending me things?
I wish he would tell me how he feels instead. The roses were a step in the right direction until Aiden had to go and send me every expensive item he could find. Why are words and actions so hard for him to comprehend? His upbringing has a lot to do with his behavior, but that doesn’t excuse him for treating me the way he did. I did everything he had asked of me, and what did I get in return? Him?
I tug at the silky gold bow and flip open the top of the box, surprised to find shiny doubloons that reflect under the fluorescent lights overhead.
Brittany cranes her head to get a better look. “What an odd gift. Why would he send you gold coins?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Are they pirate’s gold? Like the kind they stuff in trunks for Halloween?”
“Yes, but these are a lot heavier.”
She laughs. “They’re probably designer pirate coins.”
At first, I don’t understand the meaning of Aiden’s strange present. Not until I read the card beneath the gold do I realize the coins are the reason for my holdout. Aiden has finally made the gesture I hadn’t known I’d wanted until now.
Scarlett,
I don’t have a safeword, so I borrowed yours. I will treasure you forever. Come back to me. Please end this suffering.
Love, Aiden
I cover my mouth with my hand, overcome with emotions as the tears spill down my cheeks. Does he love me? It doesn’t even matter. Pirate, I want to shout, but Brittany will think I am crazy. Aiden used my safeword because he understands that I will no longer play his game. I will not be his property. If we’re going to be anything, it will be equal partners.
Please end this suffering.
His words rattle around in my head for a few seconds. Aiden hurt me, but now he is the one who is in pain. To people on the outside, they would never understand our fucked up relationship. But Aiden’s words, the coins, and the meaning behind them hit me all at once. I have to see him.
I close the lid and clutch the box. “Hold my calls and cancel my afternoon appointments.”
“But you have six patients scheduled.”
“Offer them any other spot on my calendar this week.”
Confusion scrolls across her face. “Where are you going?”
“To see Aiden.”
Brittany nods. “Good luck, Boss Lady.”
I smile so wide my face hurts. “Thanks.”
* * *
One benefit of working two blocks away from Aiden is that the trip to his office only takes me a few minutes. How we have managed to stay away from each other this entire time without calling a true by now is beyond me. It took Aiden long enough, but at least he got it right. The ride up to his office has me on edge with the elevator filled to capacity and my senses on overdrive. I’m not a huge fan of heights or enclosed spaces.
Combine my nerves about seeing Aiden along with my environment, and I have to suck in a deep breath and let it out to keep myself under control. One good thing about being a therapist is that I know how to control anxiety attacks. I help my patients with them all the time. But I hardly ever have to take my advice. Now, I need it more than ever.
After the doors open, I push my way off the elevator, desperate for some air, and speed walk to Aiden’s office. Behind the front counter, I spot Erica, who knows all about my relationship with Aiden. In fact, he tells his secretary far more than I would have imagined. He must have needed someone to talk to more than he thought before he came to see me.
“Dr. O’Brien. Hi, how are you?” Erica’s voice cracks when she speaks. She stares at me, wide-eyed and with a smile on her face. “Dr. Shaw just finished up with a patient.” Erica holds her hand out to the door behind her. “Go right ahead. He will be thrilled to see you.”
I flash a closed mouth smile and thank her before I walk around the desk and stop in front of Aiden’s door. Holding my breath, I turn the knob, and it cracks open.
Why am I so nervous? He was the one who screwed up.
In one swift motion, I enter Aiden’s office and shut and lock the door behind me out of habit. When I turn around, Aiden’s blue eyes are fixed on me, holding me in place. I flatten my back against the door and take in the sight of him, afraid to move forward.
He sucks in a deep breath and lets it out. I watch as his chest rises and falls, too entranced to speak first. Aiden has always had this power over me. Whether I like it or not, he’s still my Dom, and I’m his submissive. A part of him will always own me.
Drawn to him, I find my footing and walk toward him, my palms sweating the closer I get. I hate that he can do this to me. But I crave him and his dominant ways. When I told him I love him, I meant every last part of him, down to the darkest part of his soul. We are more alike than I had ever imagined, but I am still not submissive. I was an imposter, pretending to be what he wanted, though I have to admit that I liked being claimed by Aiden.
I liked when he would tell me what to do and pat me on the ass after I did something he liked. We’re both fucked up. He has an excuse. What is mine? Boredom? Lack of sexual enjoyment before I met Aiden? The jury is still out on my verdict.
“Scarlett,” he says, leaning forward to fold his hands on the desk in front of him.
“Aiden,” I say, my voice almost a whisper.
“Did you get my gift?”
“Which one?” I play dumb. “You have to be more specific.”
“The one you haven’t returned yet. Is that why you’re here? To end this in person?”
I shake my head, coming around to his side of the desk. “No, not even close.”
He turns his chair so that we are facing and reaches out to grasp my hip. “Does this mean you forgive me?”
I nod. “Yes. Do you love me? Did you mean what you wrote?”
“I think so,” he admits, staring up at me.
He rolls his chair closer and opens his legs for me to slide between them so that he can grab both of my hips. Aiden holds me with a purpose, his grip firm and steady, as per the usual.
“What do you mean that you think you love me? You either do, or you don’t. It is that simple.”
He pulls me onto his lap and hooks his arm around me to keep me in place. “I’ve never been in love before. I don’t even know where to begin. What I feel for you has to be love. My stomach hurt just as much as my heart did while you were gone. Without you in my life, it fucking sucked. I need you, Scarlett. I’ve never needed anyone before, but I need you.”
“There’s a difference between need and want, Aiden.” I smile at him, before dipping my head down to brush my lips against his. But I don’t kiss him. Instead, I pull back from his mouth and sit up straight, touching his shoulder to regain my balance. “Do you want me or need me?”
“Both.” He leans his head back against the high back leather chair and sighs. “I know I fucked up. I shouldn’t have taken my anger over your ex out on you.”
“But you did. We can’t change those things now. We have to work on moving forward.”
Aiden runs his hand up my arm and makes his way to my breast. He pinches my nipple through the thin fabric of my dress shirt and gives the tiny bud a good twist. I close my eyes and moan, consumed by the pleasure shooting through my body.
“I missed you,” I hiss.
“I missed you, too, Scar.” He hugs me, while he continues to pinch my nipple between his fingers. “So fucking much.”
“Do you have patients this afternoon?”
“Yes, but I can reschedule,” he says, moving his other hand up my inner thigh.
“Good, because I’m off until tomorrow morning.”
He smiles. “How about we go home and make up for lost times?”
“My bruises just started to go away,” I confess, thinking of the pain and shame I’d felt while we were separated.
“I’ll go easy on you, my love.” He buries his face in my neck and plants soft kisses on my skin.
“I don’t want you to go easy on me.”
His body stills from my words. “You don’t?”
“No, I like it rough, but I want you to take something into consideration before we go home.”
“What is that?”
“You can control my body in the bedroom, but you will never have control over my mind.”
His to Break Page 15
