by Pastor, Juan
"Oh, for crying out loud, Son." Yeshua's Mother says. "Please don't give me that tired old Principle of Sufficient Reason. It didn't really work for Anaximander, it didn't work for Spinoza or Leibniz, and it isn't working for me now. It never has worked. If something exists, and this thing is evil, the sufficient cause of that evil is that no‐one has done anything to prevent it or get rid of it. Will you give your old mother one last wish?"
"I've heard that one before." Yeshua says. "You are never going to die, so there will never be one last wish."
"May I have one more wish then?" Yeshua's Mother asks.
"About how many wishes do you think I've granted for you since the first one?" Yeshua asks.
"What was the first one?" Yeshua's Mother asks.
"The water into wine thing." Yeshua says. "At the wedding."
"Oh yes." Yeshua's Mother says. "But what about all the times when you didn't listen to me?"
"Like when?" Yeshua says.
"When I told you to stop talking to the Romans."
"What else?"
"When I told you to stop talking to the Pharisees."
"What else?"
"When I told you not to turn over all the money‐ changers tables in the temple."
"Is there any way I can make it up to you?" Yeshua asks.
"You can grant me one last wish." Yeshua's Mother says.
"What is this wish?" Yeshua asks.
"It has to do with sufficient reason." Yeshua's Mother says.
"And, Mother," Yeshua says, "what is this wish that has to do with sufficient reason, and which I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret fulfilling."
"I want you to arrange a meeting." Yeshua's Mother says. "The meeting will take place in a crappy bar on the north side of the border. I want the pequeña María to be there in body and soul. I want Rosaria to be there in spirit. I want all the men who shot at those two to be at the bar. I'd like all the coyotes who abandoned the two girls to be there, but I'm sure that's too much to ask. It is too much to ask, isn't it?"
"It isn't too much to ask, Mother." Yeshua says. "But we are kind of getting away from sufficient reason for them to be there. Wouldn't you agree, Mother?"
"Is it okay for me to be there?" Yeshua's Mother asks.
"Yes." Yeshua says.
"Can the old hermit be there?" Yeshua's Mother asks. "The one pequeña María calls Sin?"
Reunión de los Jefes de Gran
Have you given this any thought?" El Presidente
asks. "The situation necessitates our taking action soon."
"I agree." Says the President. "But it's not like the old
days, when you could take care of a nuisance situation, and no‐one would be the wiser. Nowadays, there's always the potential that someone will get at the truth, and then the truth will go viral."
The table was long, and finished with a shiny black lacquer that reflected the chandeliers above. El Presidente and the President sat at opposite ends of the long black table. Each could see the reflection of the other in the table, but not the reflection of themselves.
Waiters with white pants with a long black stripe down the outside of each pantleg and short white jackets trimmed with black edging served the dos Jefes.
The President’s name is Almon Abhorson. He is a very wealthy man. He made most of his wealth from MammonInc, which buys up companies and then sucks them dry. MammonInc borrows money to buy a company. Though enough money is borrowed to pay for the company, the purchase is leveraged, and most of the money gets funneled through MI and into Abhorson’s pocket. The new management then declares that the company is in bad debt and must start cost cutting procedures, most notably by laying people off. More money is borrowed in the “hope” of reviving the company, and most of that winds up in Abhorson’s pocket. Much of the company’s equipment is auctioned off, and then what is left of the company is usually sold to some overseas venture capital firm that still thinks there is some more blood to suck out of the company. And most of that money winds up in Abhorson’s pocket. The reason Abhorson is now President is because Abhorson, and the associates he fronts for, intend to do with the United States what they do to all the companies they take over. Abhorson is devoutly religious. Many of his detractors use the now famous phrase, “See, you can serve God and Mammon.”
El Presidente’s name is Braulio Sepulvida. No one knows how he got his wealth, or if he even has any wealth. He is a very good looking man, and women seem to go wild over him when he appears in public. He and his wife are often called “the two most beautiful people in politics”. Most likely, his power base is the military and the policía.
The President calls el Presidente "el Pretendiente", but not out loud, and never to anyone outside his circle of power.
El Presidente calls the President "Humpty Dumpty", but only in his mind and in his dreams, while he waits for that great fall off the great wall.
"Couldn't you just send a couple of Halcone Negros down to destroy the Clinic?" El Pretendiente asks.
"Couldn't you just send a team in to kidnap her?" The President asks. "Just raid her casita in the night, silence her, make her disappear?"
"Like her followers couldn't figure out who was behind it." El Pretendiente says. "Just what we need, another martyr. Care for a drink?"
"You know I don't drink." The President says.
“I know you say you don’t drink. At least in public.” El Pretendiente says. "Not even a beer?"
"Not even a beer. At least not right now." The President says. "And that martyr thing. It's never stopped you before."
"This isn't a matter of raping and killing some do‐ gooder nun, and then dumping her body in the desert." El Pretendiente says. "There are thousands who think La Pequeña will be canonized as a saint."
The older waiter looks up at the fans of el Pretendiente's palace. There is air conditioning, but it never seems to work very efficiently in the old palace. Moisture is forming on the faces of the dos Jefes, but it has not quite turned to beads of sweat that will trickle down to their collars. The old waiter stands placidly waiting for a hand signal. The old waiter thinks about the sign he saw outside, just before the policia beat the man that was holding it.
SU PERRA ES
NUESTRO
DICTADOR
It was a message about el Pretendiente meant for the President.
The older waiter thinks about the barbed wire outside, and the concrete barriers, and masks that hide the faces of the policia. His face is calm and dry. He is very used to the heat.
With The Worm
Dinner had been very good, and very enjoyable.
The protests outside had not turned violent. The President and El Presidente had gone to the library to discuss politics. In the U.S. it would be highly unlikely for the husbands and wives to part company. But this is Mexico. And in Mexico, things are done the old way. El Presidente asks the President what he would like to drink. Although the President claims to not drink, and really only likes beer, and his favorite beer is Labatts, for some reason dating back to his college days, he will ask El Presidente what he is drinking, and El Presidente will say that he is having Tequilla, and not just any tequilla, but a very particular Tequilla from his friend, Miguel, in Jalisco. "Do you know how they make Tequilla?" El Presidente
asks the President.
"No I don't." The President answers. The President has
been staring at the tequila bottle. It occurs to him there is no worm in the tequila bottle. He's not sure there really is supposed to be one in there, but he is under the impression that there should be.
"How come there is no worm in the tequila bottle?" The President asks El Presidente.
And so begins a too‐long exposition on the art of
making Tequilla. It starts with the explaining that the tequila worm is not an indication of a higher quality product, and it is not added to mellow the taste of the tequila. It is really just a marketing gimmick. The worm is the larva of Hypopta agavis moth which li
ves on the agave plant. Originally, finding one on a plant during processing meant an infestation and, therefore, a potentially lower‐quality product. But the worm misconception lives on as a semi‐glamorous myth about tequilla quality, and Mexicans aren't in any hurry to destroy the myth.
Before El Presidente gets too far into his explanation, he asks the President if he would like to smoke.
The President does like to smoke, a fact that has remained nicely undiscovered and undiscussed by the Press, and what he likes to smoke are cigarettes from tobacco grown in Virginia, at least he thinks it still comes from Virginia. His favorite brand is Lucky Strike, which he not only thinks is the best cigarette, but because he has many good memories with his smoking of this brand, and because he does seem to have had much luck come his way, especially his wife, since he's been smoking it. He keeps promising his wife he will give it up, but he is lieing. He has his Diplomat to Switzerland pick up 30 cartons at a time, because Lucky Strikes are only made in Europe now, and the Swiss ones are better than the Central EU ones. Yes Virginia, Lucky Strikes are still made, just not in the U.S. They do use your tobacco though.
"What do you recommend?" The President asks El Presidente.
"I like these hand rolled cheroots that come from Guatemala." El Presidente says. "I don't know how they cure the tobacco, but it is very dark, and they don't have any kind of filler, or paper that has been treated to make it resemble and taste like tobacco. I don't care what anyone does to paper, there is no way on earth you can make it taste like tobacco, especially when it burns."
So El Presidente holds the wooden box out to the President. The President notices that there are two rows of cigars, each cigar is only about four inches long, and tapers from narrow at one end to slightly wider in diameter at the other end. Within each level of each row, and there are five levels in each row, the cigars are arranged alternately, so that a slim end always touches the fatter end of its neighbor, both horizontally and vertically.
This is a new box, and the President regrets having to disturb the artistry of the arrangement. But then, he doesn't want to slight his host in any way. He takes on cheroot, the furthest row, from the top and very left.
"I always like watching where people take the first cigar from." El Presidente says. "Sometimes I repack the box just to make it look like I've just opened it."
El Presidente does not take the next cigar in progression, but one near the center of the closer row.
"Fooled you, didn't I?" He asks the President. " I always find Americans a little obsessive‐compulsive. I like to do things a bit more haphazardly."
El Presidente sits down in a big comfortable well worn leather chair. It smells a little like old dog. But then, almost every old chair that has had thousands of contacts with rear ends smells a little like old dog. He takes a large wooden match with a blue tip out of the box that says OHIO BLUE TIP MATCHES on it. He strikes it on the metal plate at the toe of his cowboy boot.
"Strike anywhere matches." El Presidente says. "Got to love them. Ought to make that my motto. Strike anywhere to light a fire!"
He lights his cheroot, gets up out of the chair, and leans over to light the one the President has chosen.
"I'm glad you lit yours first." The President says." I honestly didn't know what end I was supposed to put in my mouth and what end was supposed to get lit."
"I wouldn't use that as a motto." El Presidente laughs. He pauses to see how his comment is received. It is received with a grin.
"I hear that's why they put filters on cigarettes." El Presidente continues. "Til they did, Americans used to put the wrong ends in their mouths all the time."
The President takes a few puffs on the cheroot. Then he takes a sip of the tequila. He has noticed that the writing on the cheroot box said LFD Cheroots, but there is no band with a label on each cheroot. Maybe there never are labels on cheroots.
"That was a box of old La Flor Dominicana cheroots." El Presidente says. "I got them as a gift from an old dear friend. But now I just buy the Guatemalan ones by the bundle, and use the box as a humidor."
"What is the name of these cigars?" The President asks El Presidente.
"As far as I know, they have no name." El Presidente says. "They're brought to me by one of my aides. You may have seen him serving at the dinner. The skinny old one, the one with the long hair in the pony tail, and the terrible teeth. He's about the most competent aide I've ever had. So I cut him a lot of slack, let him come and go as he pleases. Sometimes the viejo loco (crazy old fool) will disappear for weeks or even months at a time. Everyone calls him Pecado, I don't know why. My wife, Tejana, seems quite fond of him."
"That name is so beautiful. Tejana." The President says. "What does it mean?"
"Texas."
"Really?"
"Yes. Really."
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El Presidente continues: "In Mexico, the most traditional way to drink tequila is straight, without lime and salt. It is popular in some regions to drink fine tequila with a side of sangrita, – a sweet, sour and spicy drink typically made from orange juice, grenadine, or tomato juice, and hot chilies. Equal‐sized shots of tequila and sangrita are sipped alternately, without salt or lime. Another popular drink in Mexico is the 'bandera', named after the Flag of Mexico. It consist of three shot glasses, filled with lime juice, for the green; white tequila; and sangrita, for the red. They can be sipped or drunk straight.
"Outside Mexico, a single shot of tequila is often served with salt and a slice of lime. This is called 'tequila cruda' and is sometimes referred to as 'training wheels', 'lick‐sip‐ suck', or 'lick‐shoot‐suck', referring to the way in which the combination of ingredients is imbibed. The drinker moistens the back of the hand below the index finger usually by licking and pours on the salt. Then the salt is licked off the hand, the tequila is drunk, and the fruit slice is quickly bitten. Groups of drinkers often do this simultaneously. Drinking tequila in this way is often erroneously called a Tequila Slammer, which is in fact a mix of tequila and carbonated drink. Though the traditional Mexican shot is straight tequila, lime is the fruit of choice when a chaser must be used. Salt lessens the 'burn' of the tequila and the sour fruit balances and enhances the flavor. In Germany and some other countries, tequila oro (gold) is often consumed with cinnamon on a slice of orange after, while tequila blanco (white) is consumed with salt and lime. Finally, as with other popular liquors, there exist a number of shot‐related drinking games and 'stunt' drinks such as body shots.
"If the bottle of tequila does not state on the label that it is manufactured from 100% blue agave (no sugars added), then, by default, that tequila is a mixto (manufactured from 51% blue agave). Some tequila distilleries label their tequila as 'made with blue agave' or 'made from blue agave.' However, the Tequila Regulatory Council has stated that only tequilas distilled with 100% agave can be designated as '100% agave.'
"Some distillers of lower‐quality tequila have marketed their product to be served 'ice‐cold chilled' when used as a shot. Chilling any alcohol can be used to reduce the smell or flavors associated with a lower‐quality product. Any alcoholic product, when served as a chilled shot, may be more palatable to the consumer.
"It should be noted that many of the higher‐quality, 100% agave tequilas do not impart significant alcohol burn, and drinking them with salt and lime is likely to remove much of the flavor. These tequilas are usually sipped from snifter glass rather than a shot glass, and savored instead of quickly gulped. Doing so allows the taster to detect subtler fragrances and flavors that would otherwise be missed.
"When it's served as 'neat', without any dditional ingredients, tequila is most often served in a narrow shot glass called a caballito, (little horse) in Spanish, but can often be found in anything from a snifter to a tumbler.
"The margarita glass, frequently rimmed with salt or sugar, is a staple for the entire genre of tequila mixed drinks, including the margarita
itself.
"A variety of cocktails are made with tequila, including the margarita, a cocktail that helped make tequila popular in the United States. The traditional margarita uses tequila, Cointreau, and lime juice, though many variations exist. Most popular in Mexico is a drink called the Paloma (dove). There are also a number of martini variants that involve tequila, as well as a large number of tequila drinks made by adding a fruit juice. These include the Tequila Sunrise
and the Matador. Sodas and other carbonated drinks are a common mixer, as in the Tequila Slammer."
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"Care for another?" El Presidente asks the President.
"I've always wanted to see a tequila sunrise." The
President says.
The Stepford Trophy Wife
Salon is what it is called here in Mexico.
Americans would most likely call it a Rec Room or Game Room. In the good old days it might have been called a Parlor. The ladies are playing various games of chance, sampling sweets, and having after dinner coffee.
