by M. L. Young
“Did I do something wrong?” she asked.
“Baby, no! It has nothing to do with you, or us, at least in that way,” I said, consoling her.
“Then what’s so wrong?” she asked.
“They pushed our tour date up because of some legal problems,” I said.
“Well, that sucks, but we still have a lot of time together, and I can visit—”
“I’m leaving in ten days,” I interrupted her.
“Oh,” she said. She looked sad, disappointed, and I couldn’t help but feel that it was my fault even though it wasn’t.
“Can you visit me, maybe?” I asked.
“Yeah, I think I could on a weekend,” she said.
“Well, we leave on a Friday night,” I said.
“As long as I get back Monday afternoon for class, I can go,” she said with a smile.
It was hard to smile, but we did, realizing that we would still get time together, and what better way than being with one another during the start of the tour?
“It’s in Europe, so the flight will be very long. We won’t have that much time with one another,” I said.
“Well, maybe I can talk to my professors and get what I need for Monday’s classes ahead of time. That way we get an extra day,” she said.
“I’d like that,” I replied, leaning in and kissing her forehead.
“Are you going to be okay when I’m gone?” she asked.
“I just try to bury myself in the music and my work these days, so I’ll be fine. Things will be okay,” I reassured her.
Chapter Eleven
Bianca
I was nervous stepping onto a giant plane for a transatlantic flight. I’d never flown that far before, and I wasn’t sure I was going to love it all that much. The first stop was in London to kick off the tour at the O2 Arena, and even though I’d always wanted to visit London, the journey was still arduous, and I’d have to do it all over again in a couple days.
My professors gave me my reading assignments and one gave me a worksheet to do while I was away. I told them I had a family emergency at home and needed to fly back. I didn’t think flying to London for a few days with my rock star boyfriend was an excuse they’d like to hear. Hell, they’d probably think I was making it up. Kai and I had kept our relationship a secret at this point.
“I wanted to talk to you about something,” he said as we sat at the gate in our first-class seats.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Well, this is a big step, you coming out here with me, and I realized that we never really made anything official. You know, like titles,” he said.
“Are titles something that you want?” I asked.
“Well, yeah, don’t you?” he asked.
I nodded, smiling, trying to contain myself and my excitement.
“Well, I just don’t want you to be a girl I’m dating or seeing. I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m not sure how to ask this without sounding like an eighth-grader, but will you be my girlfriend?” he asked, smiling a bit. I was sure he felt ridiculous even though it was cute.
“I would love to, babe,” I said, leaning in and giving him a kiss.
I wrapped my arm around his, leaning my head against his shoulder, before the plane started to back away from the gate towards the runway. “Are you okay with takeoff?” he asked.
“As long as you’re here with me I’m always okay,” I said.
The plane took off effortlessly and with such fluidity that I didn’t even notice we were airborne until I looked out the window. The ground below looked fake, so far away, as I soared through the fluffy cotton candy clouds like some kind of bird.
I was flying to London with my rock star boyfriend, my actual boyfriend, and I couldn’t have been happier. Nothing could ruin this.
•••
I yawned as the plane pulled up to the gate. We’d both slept for the last leg of the flight. Kai said it was the best thing to do since we were landing in the morning and we needed to adjust our bodies to the time change. Luckily I was doing the same thing on the way back, so hopefully my sleep schedule wouldn’t get too messed up from this short trip. Too bad this tour couldn’t have been in the summer.
While the paparazzi weren’t as pronounced here, at least where we were, the people were. London was jam-packed with tourists and locals alike, and it felt much more densely populated than Los Angeles. Cameras flashed and people stopped Kai and asked for photos and autographs, and for once I saw him in full action.
We led more of a secluded, private life, one where we didn’t go out in full public view that often, so seeing him interact with his fans in such a graceful manner made me like him even more. He was so kind to people, all people, no matter their age or what they looked like. That sort of kindness was just one of the thousands of traits I liked about him.
I loved the architecture in London. There was nothing like it back home. Maybe the closest thing was in New England, but even then it didn’t compare to the centuries-old buildings they had here. We walked into a fish and chips shop, the smell pungent, but in the best way. The fish was flaky, the outside wonderfully golden and crisp, and I couldn’t help but savor the moment as if I were never going to taste it again.
The day wore on, the two of us starting to feel the effects of jet lag, before we took a cab back to the hotel, the Ritz, and walked back to our room. It was a suite, far larger than my own apartment back in Los Angeles, and I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous considering how much nicer it was. I took some photos, sending them to Regan, as I tried to figure out the time difference and if she’d even be awake. It was three in the afternoon, so seven in the morning there, though she didn’t reply right away. The downside to traveling so far from home was that my friends couldn’t be as excited as I was in the moment.
“What do you want to do tonight?” Kai asked.
“Not too much,” I said, yawning.
“Yeah, we should just order room service and lie in bed together,” he said.
“Sounds like the perfect date,” I replied with a smile.
Kai ordered us a bunch of food, even some mince pies for dessert, which he said were amazing even though it wasn’t the main time of year for them. English food was so different than American food, though a lot of it was familiar to the home-cooked meals my grandmother used to prepare. It was like trying something new that wasn’t completely different.
Kai held me all night long, his arms a sweet embrace and escape from the world around me. It was so nice to have a great man like him, one who treated me like an equal and didn’t try to impress me. He was just himself, and that was all I ever wanted him to be. Maybe me denying him that second date right away triggered it in him. I hoped so.
The television screen became bright as the sun quickly set outside. It was blinding, and my eyes squinted as I looked over at the clock and saw it said ten in the evening. “We should get to sleep. That snooze on the flight messed with me,” I said.
“Sweet dreams, beautiful,” he said, giving me a soft, slow kiss that made me want even more.
I rested my head on his chest. His heartbeat was the most calming thing I could hear right now, and I felt myself drifting off.
Chapter Twelve
Kai
“Kai, open up!”
I woke up in a haze, almost like I were in a dream, as I stumbled out of bed and told Bianca to stay put. It was Percy, his voice beyond recognizable to me at this point. I looked at the clock. It was ten in the morning. The day of Bianca’s departure was now here.
“What?” I asked, annoyed, after opening the door.
“I need you to get dressed. I have some news,” Percy said.
The look on his face, his expression, was serious. Usually Percy was straightforward, but this face, no, this was worse than anything I’d seen before. I knew the tour already had problems—why else would he bang on my door with such urgency? “Okay, one second,” I said, closing the door.
“What is it?” Bian
ca groaned.
“He says it’s very important. I’ll be back soon. You stay here, order breakfast if you get hungry,” I said, leaning down and kissing her cheek.
Percy took me to a conference room in the hotel, a private one, before sitting me down. My band mates were there, all of them looking a bit nervous as I walked into the room. There was silence, which wasn’t usually the case when all of us were together. Shit, this was serious.
“What’s up, is everything okay?” I asked.
“Please sit down, Kai,” Percy said, his tone taking on that of a concerned parent.
“Is the tour okay?” I asked.
“Everything with the tour is fine,” Percy said, leaning against the side of a table.
“Then what?” I asked.
“We just want you to know that no matter what, we’re all here for you,” Paul said.
“You guys are fucking freaking me out,” I said, looking around as if I were in some paranoid dream.
“It’s your father, Kai. I don’t know how to tell you this, but he passed overnight,” Percy said.
Shattered, I felt numb. Sure, my father wasn’t the greatest man in the world, but he was all that I had. It was hard for the news to penetrate my burnt nerves, the tears in my ducts not wanting to come out, but I wasn’t sure if that was more because of the shock or because I wasn’t going to cry at all.
“H-how did it happen?” I asked, looking down.
“It was peaceful, in his sleep. They didn’t attempt to resuscitate, because of his will. If you want to make arrangements—”
“No, that’s okay. I’m not going to take off now, not while we’re sitting in England on tour,” I said, my voice starting to rise.
“Kai, it’s okay, we’ll—” Paul said.
“No! I said we’re not going to fucking stop this tour. Not for him. Not for what, a guy who didn’t give a flying fuck about me when I was a kid? No, he doesn’t deserve that kind of special treatment. Real fathers deserve that, but not him,” I said, my voice higher with anger than it had been in months.
“It’s okay,” Percy said.
“It’s not okay, Percy, it’s not. Why should he, that guy, deserve some big grand funeral that will glorify him? He was a wife-beater and kid-beater, and that’s all there is to it,” I said, my anger starting to take over.
I picked up the chair I was sitting on, grabbing it by the armrests, and threw it at the wall. The drywall cracked, crumbling, falling down like snow. The other guys looked at me with surprise and almost guilty expressions.
Why the hell did I even care so much? Why was I getting so angry? I tried to care about him, I put him up in his care facility, but I only did it out of pity and weakness, right?
“Who are you mad at, Kai?” Paul asked.
“I’m mad at him!” I yelled.
“Are you?” he asked.
“Who else would I be mad at?” I asked.
“Yourself. Victims of abuse often blame themselves or get angry at themselves when—”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve blaming me for this, Paul,” I yelled.
“Kai, I’m not blaming you for anything. Nothing was your fault, man. I’ve just never seen you care this much about your father is all. You wanted to mend things before, you even said you mostly had, and now you’re talking as if he was the devil incarnate,” he said.
“Paul,” Percy said.
“No, let him speak. I want to hear what he thinks about me,” I said.
“I love you, that’s what I think about you. You’re my brother, you always have been, and you always will be. I think you just need to talk to somebody professional and let this all out,” Paul said.
“I’m out of here. I’ll see you guys at rehearsal for the show later,” I said.
“It’s been pushed back two days. All of the shows have been,” Percy said.
“Come get me when you need me,” I said, storming out.
I walked out of the hotel, my mind fuzzy and blank at the same time, as paparazzi flashes burned my retinas and people yelled my name. I didn’t look at them, not even a hint, and didn’t acknowledge their presence. I just wanted to be a ghost right now, in more ways than one.
Chapter Thirteen
Bianca
“Where have you been? Everyone has been looking for you,” I said as Kai walked in the doors to our room.
It had been hours since he’d left. Percy even checked up on him, but I had to say he hadn’t been up here since Percy had come to get him earlier. He told me what happened, and I was gutted, absolutely floored, but he said it was best not to tell Kai I knew. He wasn’t taking it well, not at all, and Percy said to just let him tell me naturally.
“Just had to deal with some things,” he said, the bags under his eyes looking much more pronounced since this morning.
“Want to come cuddle?” I asked.
“I have to tell you something first,” he said.
“Oh?” I asked.
“My father died last night. That’s why I was gone,” he said.
His tone and face looked devoid of any emotion. He was a monotone brick of clay, his face expressionless. “Oh, I’m really sorry to hear that. I know that you said you were mending things with him. Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, it is what it is,” he said, coming over to lie down.
I cuddled up to him and immediately smelled booze. There wasn’t much of it, though there was a tinge of mint as if he’d tried chewing some mints, but they hadn’t really worked all that well.
“Have you been drinking?” I asked calmly.
“Yeah, I had a drink,” he said, sounding a little annoyed.
“Are you sure that’s the best idea? I know you were trying—”
“Are you going to get on my ass, too? Jesus,” he said, getting up quickly.
“Baby, don’t be mad, please. I’m not nagging you, I just want to make sure you’re okay. I leave today and I don’t want to go with you angry at me,” I said, starting to cry.
He looked at me, his face softening a little as I wiped away the tears. I looked down. My emotions hadn’t gotten to me like this yet with him around. He came over and sat next to me on the bed. “I’m sorry, I lost my temper. Please don’t cry.”
“It’s okay. I just want to have a good time with you before I go. I don’t want to fight,” I said.
“Me neither, babe. We’ll have a good time,” he said.
I leaned forward, the last few tears dripping down my cheeks, before I kissed him and put my forehead against his. “Anything you want to do, we can,” I said.
I wanted to be mad at his drinking, that he thought it was something he should be doing, but I couldn’t get myself to yell at him. He was already fragile, and I wasn’t his mother. He already got set off, and it’s something that could wait.
•••
I was appreciative of the time Kai spent with me given the severity of his situation. I was sure he had funeral arrangements to make, though he didn’t talk about them and I didn’t bring them up. I figured it was best to let him come to me when he felt he was ready, if he ever did. He needed to figure it out on his own.
“Have you ever been here?” I asked as we approached the London Eye.
It was massive, bigger than any Ferris wheel I’d seen before, and to say I was scared would be an understatement. “No, this is the first time,” he said.
We got a pod to ourselves and within minutes the doors closed and we started to move. I sat on the bench, holding onto Kai’s arm for dear life, as the people below began to look like ants. The view was breathtaking, literally and figuratively, though Kai didn’t seem to care much for it. He looked around, but he didn’t have the same expressions as I did. My heart hurt for him.
We didn’t do much the rest of the day, instead just taking in some of the sights before I had to go back and get ready for my flight early the next morning. Kai talked on the phone for a bit later that night in the room, talking to someone at the facility his f
ather was at. It was fairly vague, though.
When the next morning came and I had to leave the hotel and head to the airport, Kai was appreciative of me coming out with him, saying that he wished we could’ve had a better trip together. I told him not to apologize and that I understood, and I let him know that I was there for him whenever he needed me or if he ever decided he wanted to talk about it.
He didn’t get annoyed or upset, instead just saying thank you and giving me love. Maybe things would be all right after all. He walked down to the lobby with me, seeing me off, before I got into a town car and waved goodbye through the window. I felt nervous leaving him, as if something bad would happen when he wasn’t with me or in my care, but I let it go as the driver pulled into traffic and towards the airport. He’d be fine, he was in good hands.
•••
I called Kai the second I landed in Los Angeles and got off the plane. Tired and dehydrated, I walked off to the side in the terminal, just ready to hear his voice and feel comforted. I felt like I’d gone days without speaking to him, and I just wanted to make sure he was still okay. Their first show was in two days, and I was positive they wouldn’t let him fail before it.
“Hello?” he asked, and my face brightened up a bit.
“Hey, I landed back in Los Angeles,” I said.
“Hey, that’s great. How was your flight?” he asked. His voice sounded strained, almost raspy, and his reply seemed off, as if he took an extra second to process it. I was worried.
“It went as well as it could. I missed having you next to me to make it better,” I said.
“Yeah,” he replied.
“Well, I just wanted to hear your voice and say that I landed. I have to get back home before class,” I said.
