Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1)

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Uncanny Kingdom: An Eleven Book Urban Fantasy Collection (Uncanny Kingdom Omnibus 1) Page 7

by David Bussell


  A long pause.

  ‘Okay,’ said David. ‘Witches. Coven. I’m following.’

  ‘London is a hub of the Uncanny. All kinds of magical sorts run around these streets. If they were left to do whatever they wanted it would be chaos. It’s my coven’s job to try and keep things under control.’

  ‘So these witches, are we talking big floppy hats, broomsticks, black cats, giant warty noses?’

  I laughed and shook my head, ‘No. Afraid not. They look more like a group of middle-aged women at a knitting circle. Well… looked like.’

  ‘Looked like? As in, past tense?’

  I pulled my hand away and closed my eyes, hoping for dark, instead seeing that room, empty of magic, covered in the blood and torn flesh of my masters. My creators. My friends.

  ‘They’re dead. Murdered.’

  ‘What? Okay, I need to call this in, the police can—’

  ‘No. The police can’t do anything, this is way beyond their, you know, remit. This wasn’t a simple break-in. Nothing can get into my coven that isn’t invited; believe me when I say that place is locked up tight. If you had tried to wander in and we didn’t want you there, your heart would have exploded out of your ribcage before you took a second step.’

  ‘Right. Okay. Gross, but cool. Go on.’

  ‘Whoever did this to my coven is…’ I shivered despite myself. ‘They’re powerful beyond anything I’ve come across before, and they’re going to come after me. They already tried, that’s how I ended up here. Somehow. Not sure of the specifics there, but I’m grateful of the end result.’

  ‘Look, if what you’re saying is true, if someone just murdered some women on my streets, I’m not going to just look past that. I don’t care how high and mighty the perp is. I’m involved now whatever, end of discussion.’

  ‘You already helped me. Kept me safe.’

  ‘That’s my job, Stella. I don’t take a lot seriously, but the oath I took? That I do.’

  I sighed and nodded. ‘Okay. So I owe you the truth, and you’re probably not going to like it.’

  ‘Well, today’s the day for surprises that make me want to poop myself, so go ahead, what is it? You’re not best buds with the Loch Ness Monster are you?’

  ‘We’ve met, but no.’

  ‘Okay, I’m probably going to want to circle back to that another time, but go on.’

  ‘Here’s the thing, David, by helping me, you might have placed a big, neon target on your back.’

  David did one of his slow nods again: ‘So, some almighty magic man is probably going to try and murder me?’

  ‘Yes. Sorry about that.’

  David sighed and rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. ‘I’ve only been up twenty minutes…’

  8

  Murder, magic and mayhem were a lot to take in on an empty stomach, so we made our way to a nearby cafe. It was the sort of place that stank of last decade’s fat and cigarette smoke.

  ‘I’ll pay,’ I said.

  ‘Oh yeah, you’re definitely paying,’ was David’s reply. Which, given the circumstances, was fair enough.

  We sat in silence as David ate, the quiet giving me chance to think things over and over and over. The witches were dead, so where did that leave me? What was I without them? I only existed because they decided I would. My entire purpose for being was to do as they asked. I wasn’t a person, was I? Not really. Not like David. I was their tool to use. So what did that make me now?

  Now that I was just me.

  David finished and pushed his empty plate aside, patting his stomach and reaching for a napkin.

  ‘You didn’t have to have the most expensive breakfast on the menu,’ I said.

  ‘No, I think I really, really did.’ He turned his head to the counter and waved his hand, ‘Garcon! Another round of your very whitest toast once you’ve got a mo.’

  The woman behind the counter looked up with hangdog eyes and grunted.

  ‘Well at least you’re talking again. For a moment I thought I’d accidentally unleashed the silence spell again.’

  ‘Not funny, Stella. Not funny at all.’

  ‘A bit funny.’

  David eyed me, then broke, smiling and shaking his head. ‘You know I should have you in cuffs already and be dragging you down the station. This is insane.’

  ‘I’m not the one who should be in chains.’

  ‘Okay, let’s say I believe everything you’re saying. Magic is everywhere and there’s a freaky underworld doing bad things, what makes you think all of them are above the law? They walk these streets the same as anyone else. Or at least, I’m assuming they do. Unless they fly. Ooh, can you fly? Can you make me fly?’

  ‘They’re not above the law. And no, I can’t fly.’

  ‘Aw.’

  ‘There’s just a different kind of accountability in my world.’

  ‘The London Coven.’

  ‘Exactly. We keep the peace. Or we did.’

  A plate piled high with pasty toast and butter pats was dropped between us with a distinct lack of hospitality.

  ‘Thanks, Nora.’

  Nora, body like a bin bag full of mayonnaise, grunted then shuffled away.

  ‘So, seems to me like someone didn’t like being told what to do by your lot and decided to do something about it.’

  And that ‘something’, the ripping apart of the people closest to me into hunks of dead flesh, was going to get them killed.

  ‘I need to find out who was behind it.’

  David slowed his toast buttering and looked up, serious for a moment, ‘And what’ll happen then?’

  ‘And then I’m going to bring them down in whichever way I decide.’

  David nodded, finished up buttering, then took a bite and sank into thoughtful chewing for a few seconds.

  ‘You know that’s against the law, yes? Like, properly, incredibly, illegally against the law.’

  ‘Well, when I’m done, you can arrest me. Or try to anyway.’

  David stopped and eyed me for a second, then broke into a grin. It might have sounded like a joke, but at this point I really didn’t care. What had been done to my coven… revenge was all that mattered. Cold, violent revenge. What happened to me after that didn’t matter, just so long as whoever was behind the murders screamed in terror and agony at my feet first.

  ‘Toast.’

  A plate piled with more white bread was plopped into the centre of the table again by Nora.

  ‘Nora, I think one extra round is enough… Nora?’

  The strange tone in his voice caught my attention. I looked up to Nora expecting to see her sagging face and hangdog eyes, instead I saw something else.

  Something terrible.

  Her face was twisted and distorted, like someone had torn it off and was wearing it as a mask. Something much larger and uglier than poor Nora. Her teeth were now a jumbled, sharpened mess and her eyes were missing, leaving two dark hollows.

  ‘Jesus...’ said David, his voice a trembling hush.

  ‘David, run, she’s—‘

  The movement was so swift I didn’t see it coming, instead I found myself sliding across the floor on my back, my right cheek throbbing from the back of Nora’s hand.

  ‘Stella, watch out!’

  Shaking the stars away, I lurched up onto my knees, only to find Nora eating up the distance between us.

  Around us, chairs were falling and people were screaming, a mad rush for the only door and away from this sudden explosion of violence into their morning.

  I needed to make sure Nora kept her sights on me and not on any of the fleeing bystanders, so I did the stupid thing and ran directly at her.

  It felt like a head-on collision with a truck.

  I bounced off her into a wall, the back of my head connecting and trying to pull me into unconsciousness. I clung on by the skin of my teeth.

  The café was empty now apart from me, David, and the now possessed Nora. Time to get to work.

  I staggered
up and drew in some extra magic from my surroundings, ready to—

  —Nora’s hand gripped my throat, and my handle on the magic words was lost. The palm of her hand, it seemed to burn my flesh.

  As though I weighed no more than a bag of sugar, Nora lifted me with one hand, sliding me up the wall, a drooling, lopsided grin spreading across her face and showing off the full range of vicious teeth that crowded her mouth.

  Any second now, she was going to lean forward and sink those teeth into my face. I needed to get my shit together, stop letting pain and fear cloud my thoughts, and find the right spell to—

  —The hand around my throat opened and I dropped hard to the floor.

  ‘My name is Detective David Tyler. Step away from her and put your hands behind your head.’

  Nora turned from me; I could see a livid gash on the side of her head. David was stood, extendable baton raised, one hand out, warning Nora to keep her distance. He must have hit her with the thing! More than likely saved my life.

  ‘I said my name is Detective David Tyler and you will surrender yourself or I will use further force!’

  I got back to my feet, throat and rear end throbbing, and circled wide towards him.

  ‘David, no, you can’t talk a thing like that down. Hit it as many times as you like with your little stick, it’ll only keep coming.’

  ‘Hey, David, thanks for saving me from being choked to death a few seconds ago. Oh, don’t mention it, you’re welcome.’

  Nora laughed, it sounded like metal twisting. ‘You will both die now. Die like those stinking whore witches.’

  ‘So I take it good ‘ol Nora here has been possessed by something magical and evil?’

  ‘You catch on fast, Detective.’

  ‘Well, the teeth, the empty eye holes, the super strength, they teach us to look out for these little clues at police school.’

  ‘Nora is dead. Whatever has claimed her is all that’s left now, and we are in a whole load of danger.’

  ‘I will rip and I will tear and I will grind your bones between my teeth.’

  ‘Oh, Nora, we used to share such sweet pleasantries.’ David raised his baton and charged forward.

  ‘David, no—!’

  Nora grabbed his arm mid-swing and tossed him across the room like a rag doll. He came to a crashing halt out of sight as he flew over the serving counter.

  ‘David!’

  ‘I will kill you first, Familiar, send you to the dark pit your creators now dwell in.’

  Okay. It was time to put a stop to this.

  ‘You know Nora, you’re kind of big-headed for a lowly pit demon.’

  Nora stopped, head cocked, confused for a moment. That moment was all I needed. The café was old. The building had stood for over two hundred years, and was chock-full of ancient, strong magic.

  I pulled it into me and pictured the correct order of words. It took only moments, and then, screaming with fury, I punched a fist toward Nora and unleashed the spell.

  It surged from me, a golden lasso, dripping like molten metal, and swamped Nora. Her empty eyes widened.

  ‘Catching on now, Nora?’

  She staggered back, clutching her head as it began to swell, bone cracking, skin tearing. Any second now it would be over. Nora knew it too. She lowered her hand from her rapidly inflating skull and looked at me with her black, empty sockets, smiling even as death came to claim her.

  ‘That’s good, Familiar. I like my marks to have a little fight in them.’

  ‘Who are you? Tell me your name. Tell me!’

  ‘And where would the fun in that be?’

  She laughed.

  And then her head exploded.

  9

  When something like that happens in public it’s best not to hang around too long.

  I grunted as I lowered David, sitting him against an alley wall ten streets away from the café. Leaning back against the opposite wall, I inhaled slow and deep, trying to catch my breath and rub some life back into my muscles. I wasn’t in bad shape, but he was heavier than he looked.

  So, that was attempt number two on my life. Whoever was behind all of this wasn’t going to let me wriggle out of things. I was a loose end it intended to tie up. Good.

  But how had the thing found me? I did a quick check on myself, trying to locate any magical prints left on me that would help it zero in, but came up with nothing. Nothing obvious that I was able to sense, anyway.

  ‘M-my name is… I am a detective police man and you…’

  I crouched down next to David as he came to, his bleary eyes gradually coming into focus as they locked on mine.

  ‘Hello, David.’

  ‘Hello, magic lady woman.’

  ‘Careful, you took a bit of a knock.’

  He rubbed his head, confused. ‘I had the weirdest dream that old Nora at the café became possessed by some sort of magic monster and tried to kill us.’

  ‘Yes, sorry, that wasn’t a dream.’

  ‘Oh, I was afraid you might say that,’ said David, getting to his feet whilst using the grimy alley wall for support.

  ‘Careful, you’ve been out of it for almost six minutes.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I get hit on the head a lot. So, what happened to Evil Nora?’

  ‘I cast a spell on her.’

  ‘A nice spell, like the hologram one you showed me?’

  ‘Afraid not.’

  ‘A wild stab in dark, but is it connected to all the blood you have across your face and dried into your hair?’

  I nodded, ‘Yes, I kind of made her head explode.’

  David’s eyes went wide as he made to speak, stopped himself, and then threw up noisily. After breathing in a few times slowly, then wiping his mouth, he looked up at me again. ‘That was down to the bash on the head, not the… you know…’

  ‘Me exploding someone’s head.’

  ‘Bingo. Oh, God, I’m making small talk with a murderer.’

  ‘I didn’t have a choice. Nora was already dead, I told you, and we would’ve been next.’

  ‘Right, yes. Okay. This is just, you know, tricky, for me to get to grips with. I went to bed last night and everything was understandable, and now there’s magic, and demons or ghosts or whatever taking over the body of my favourite cafe owner and trying to murder me.’

  ‘The good news is, things aren’t going to get any better for a while.’

  ‘Yes, that is good news.’

  I smiled and helped him back up onto his feet.

  ‘Right, if you don’t mind, I might just head off to work now and pretend none of this ever happened.’

  I grabbed David by the sleeve as he tried to walk away, yanking him back.

  ‘You can’t go.’

  ‘Oh, yes, I really can.’

  He pulled himself free and carried on walking. Seemed like we were going to do this the hard way. The words flashed through my mind as I extended my arms towards David and unleashed the command. There was a whoosh noise, followed by a slightly strangled yelp, and David found himself pinned, upside down, against the alley wall.

  ‘You know this is assault, right?’

  ‘You can’t go. Well, you can, but not without me.’

  ‘Are you holding me hostage? Because no one is going to pay a ransom. My family are very, very cheap.’

  I smiled and released him, slowly, so he slid into an undignified heap on the ground.

  ‘I told you, there’ll be a target on your back now, too.’

  ‘So now whoever it is that murdered, your, you know, witches, is also going to kill me.’

  ‘Very probably.’

  David stood, ‘You know, I’m starting not to like you very much.’

  ‘The thing that had taken over the cafe owner, it knows you’re with me. It will try to use that. Interrogate you, torture you. Pull your limbs off one by one to try to get to me.’

  ‘I get it. That’s enough detail, thank you.’

  ‘The only chance you have of getting out of this
alive is to stay by my side until this is all over. Believe me, I’d much rather be on my own, too, but if I let you walk away, that’s another death on my conscience.’ I pictured my witches, torn to pieces on the floor of the coven and shivered.

  David sighed and kicked at the ground. ‘Fine, okay, but you’re going to listen to me. I’m not a passenger, I’m a detective. A good one.’

  I arched an eyebrow.

  ‘Well, not a terrible one, at any rate. I’m a solid six-and-a-half out of ten. Seven, on a good day. You can use me.’

  I made to argue, then stopped and sighed. He was probably right. It wasn’t my usual job to find clues and piece together a case. To discover a likely culprit. No, up until now I’d been told what to do and where to go by my masters. They’d say go there and do this to that person and off I would go. I was a blunt instrument. A delivery service. Not the brains.

  And now I was alone.

  I was going to need all the help I could get.

  10

  Every town and city in England has a place like The Beehive. A place for magical types to socialise, to drink, to gossip. To mix together in a neutral setting. Outside of The Beehive, there were rivalries, suspicions, dangers, but inside all of that was expected to be left behind. A place for the Uncanny to relax in peace and be themselves, away from the eyes of the normals.

  At least that was the idea.

  But yesterday someone murdered the witches that made sure the peace in London between the Uncanny folk held, and I was going to tear apart this city looking for the beast behind it. If that meant upsetting the patrons of The Beehive, then so be it.

  ‘I already told you, there is no street up here on the left, it’s a line of old shops and then a dead end.’

  I strode on ahead, despite David’s complaints. ‘That’s because it’s hidden from the likes of you.’

  ‘Um, the likes of me?’

  ‘You know, normals.’

  ‘That sounds a little like racism, Stella.’

  I stopped in front of the blind alley. Much like the street the London Coven was situated on, the alley that led to The Beehive was hidden from all but those who should know of its existence.

 

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