I crawl towards the cracks of light
It’s not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me
It’s my duty as a human being to be pissed off
Angst is not the human condition, it’s the purgatory between what we have and what we want but can’t get
Her bookshelf was weighed down with school books and biographies of troubled musicians, like Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison, and of female activists and singers, like Joan Baez and Janis Joplin. On the bottom shelf she had all the Harry Potter books and the full Twilight series too. Mandy had several black candles in her room, and two guitars leaned against the wall in the corner. One was electric. Her dressing-table was covered with cosmetics and jewellery. Lots of dark nail varnishes – black, grey, ink blue. She had three different black liquid eyeliners, four different mascaras, a big box of eye-shadows, four leather cuffs, six pairs of hoop and chain earrings and a long thick silver chain with a silver ball at the end. There was a little catch on the side of the ball. Sophie clicked it open and the ball unfurled to reveal four tiny hidden photos. She held them up to the sunlight: one was of Laura and another of an older woman – Sophie presumed it was Joan. There was one of Mandy with her guitar and one of – Sophie’s hand shook – Sophie as a baby. The one Laura had on her website, the photo of her holding the pink blanket.
The door flew open. Sophie dropped the necklace. It landed with a thud.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Mandy ran over, scooped up the necklace and snapped the ball shut. ‘Who the hell do you think you are snooping around in –’ She looked up at Sophie’s face and gasped. ‘Jesus Christ!’
‘I told you.’ Frank walked in behind her, followed by a worried-looking Laura. ‘I said you’d understand when you saw her.’
‘Sorry to barge in on you like this, Sophie,’ Laura apologized. ‘We’ve just got back and Mandy was eager to meet you.’
Mandy gaped at Sophie.
‘I’m sorry about your necklace,’ Sophie muttered. ‘I shouldn’t have opened it.’
‘No, you shouldn’t.’ Mandy had found her voice. ‘It’s private. Everything in here is private. This is my bedroom.’
Sophie glanced up at her sister. She was so different from herself, so dark and sallow. Mandy’s brown eyes bored into her, taking in every detail of her own appearance. She felt as if she was under a microscope. The adults had been more subtle about staring, but Mandy just stood there and ogled.
‘Are you feeling better?’ Laura asked.
‘Yes, thanks,’ Sophie said.
‘So?’ Frank watched Mandy’s face. ‘Do you believe us now?’
Mandy was noncommittal: ‘Maybe.’
Frank nudged Laura. ‘We’ll leave them for a bit. Let them get to know each other.’ Before Laura could object, he ushered her out. ‘Girls, we’ll be downstairs if you need us,’ he said, and closed the door behind him.
Mandy continued to glare at Sophie, who was beginning to perspire. The room was hot from the midday sun and she was weary and drained. She sat down on the edge of Mandy’s bed. The duvet cover was bright red with a black print of Che Guevara’s face across the middle. Sophie longed for her own bedroom with the calming dusty pink walls, her crisp white bed linen and her favourite painting hanging on the wall opposite her bed – Turner’s tranquil Colour Beginning.
Mandy passed the silver ball necklace from one hand to the other. ‘So, you’re Jody, then, are you?’
‘Well, yes, I guess I am.’
‘What makes you so sure? Just because you look like my mum and have her freaky colour thing doesn’t make you her kid.’
Sophie began to see yellow, her colour for anger. Mandy was being very confrontational. She eyeballed her. ‘That’s not all. The photos of me as a small child are identical to the ones Laura has. And my mother – or, at least, the woman who brought me up, Anna – was always very vague about my birth and she has no photos of me until I was a toddler. Also, she’s Irish but she never wanted to bring me to Ireland and she always seemed uncomfortable when I asked questions about my past. And then I saw Laura on the TV and something clicked. I just felt so connected to her. I knew.’
Mandy scoffed. ‘Was that before or after they mentioned her big sale?’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Sophie had no idea what she was talking about.
‘Don’t play all innocent with me. You’re after the money, aren’t you?’
‘What money? What are you talking about?’ Sophie frowned. The yellow was getting brighter.
‘The money Mum got from selling her painting to Hank Gold. This is a set-up, isn’t it? You do look the image of my mum, but lots of people look like other people. Look at me. I’m nothing like her but I am her daughter. You’re just one of those looky-likeys trying to get money from her. Well, you may have fooled them but not me. You’re not pulling the wool over my eyes.’
Anger boiled over inside Sophie. ‘Money? I don’t know what on earth you’re talking about. I don’t want anything from you or your mother. All I want is the truth. Do you understand? The truth! And the last time I checked that was free. Do you think I want to be here? Do you think this is fun for me? Finding out I’m not who I thought I was? Discovering I’m someone else when I was perfectly happy being who I was? I hate this whole awful mess. It’s making me ill. I wish I could turn the clock back. I wish I’d never seen that stupid programme, but I did, and the minute I saw Laura something inside me shifted. All the little things that had been niggling deep down suddenly came bursting out.’
Mandy pulled a cigarette packet out of her backpack and went to stand beside the open window. She lit one, inhaled deeply and blew the smoke out into the fresh air. ‘OK. I had to question you to make sure you are who you say you are. My mum’s been crying about you for seventeen years. I couldn’t let an impostor mess with her head. I knew when I saw you that you were Jody – you’re so like Mum it’s actually freaky. But I had to be extra sure. Mum couldn’t handle it if you turned out to be a phoney. Neither could I. It would completely crush her and she’s damaged enough already. I don’t want her to be hurt any more. She’s had enough shit to deal with. She wouldn’t survive another blow. I’ve never seen her like this.’
‘Like what?’
‘Happy.’
‘Really?’
Mandy made smoke rings. ‘She pretended to be happy. She tried to be happy for my sake, but she wasn’t really. Not deep down. How could she be happy when all the time she blamed herself for you disappearing? Part of her died after that. I thought she was mad thinking you were still alive, thinking someone stole you – so did Frank and Gran – but I guess Mum was right all along.’
Sophie went to join her at the window. ‘I don’t smoke, but I think I need a cigarette. Can I have one?’
‘Sure – here.’ Mandy lit it for her. Sophie took a drag and coughed. Mandy grinned at her. ‘Slowly, just take little puffs.’
Sophie took a tiny pull and a small cloud of smoke drifted out of her mouth.
‘Now you’ve got it.’ Mandy reached over and pinched Sophie’s arm.
‘Ouch!’
‘Just checking you’re not a ghost. It’s pretty mind-blowing that you came back from the dead. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up and it’ll all have been a dream.’
‘Me too.’ Sophie leaned on the windowsill and sighed. ‘In a way I kind of wish it was. I liked my life.’
‘Really? I was bored. This drama is way more fun.’ Mandy grinned. ‘Wait till Gran sees you – she’s going to literally die!’
‘I hope not. I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life.’ Sophie giggled. The cigarette was making her light-headed.
‘Gran’s great. She can be a cow sometimes, and she’s really mean to Mum, but when you get past all the prickly grumpy-old-lady stuff, she has a heart of gold. She gives me money and lets me smoke in her house when Mum’s not there, but she’d kill me if she caught me drinking. She’s got a real thing about booze. So’s Mum. It’s a tota
l drag. All of my friends raid their parents’ booze cabinet before a night out so all they have to buy is Coke or Sprite. Then they go into the loo and mix in the vodka or gin or Bacardi or whatever they managed to steal. But the only thing to drink in this house is soy milk!’
Sophie rolled the cigarette between her fingers. ‘My mum feels like that about drinking too. She’s very strict.’
‘What’s she like, your mum? Anna?’
Sophie looked out at the cloudless sky. ‘She’s just a normal person and, I have to be honest, she’s been a really good mother.’
‘Come on, Jody –’
Sophie cut across her: ‘It’s Sophie. Please call me Sophie.’
‘Well, your mother – as in your real mother, Laura – christened you Jody so I think it’s pretty disrespectful of you to demand we all call you Sophie.’
‘Look, I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment with everything I’ve just discovered. I can’t take on a new name too. Not now anyway, perhaps later.’
‘OK, chill, I’ll call you Sophie. So, you’re telling me that this Anna person is normal? Come on, seriously, how could she be? She nicked you from a boat. She stole someone else’s kid. Only people who should be in mental institutions do that.’
‘I know what she did was insane but she isn’t crazy. Honestly, she’s really … well … just … nice.’
Mandy stubbed her cigarette out on the windowsill and went into the little shower-room off her bedroom to flush the butt down the toilet. ‘Maybe she brainwashed you so you’d think she was nice, like they do in those religious cults? So that you end up thinking normal things are weird and weird things are normal. Maybe she hypnotized you or played CDs while you were asleep. You were only tiny when she abducted you so you wouldn’t even remember the brainwashing.’
Sophie handed Mandy her unfinished cigarette. Mandy took two long drags and flushed that away too.
‘Anna’s not in any cult. She’s Catholic.’
‘Ha! Well, some people would think that’s a cult of its own,’ Mandy noted.
‘She’s a very kind, caring, loving person, which is why I find it so difficult to believe she would do something so awful.’
‘Did she ever hit you or put cigarettes out on your arms?’
‘No!’ Sophie was shocked.
‘Well, I don’t know why you look so surprised! That’s the sort of thing weirdos do to kids. I know you keep saying she’s normal but she has to have a screw loose.’
‘Maybe she found me alone and I was crying and she thought I’d been abandoned or something. Laura did admit that she took her eye off me, so maybe Anna thought she was actually saving me.’
‘You were on a boat and my mum was there. Anna can’t have tried very hard to find who you belonged to before she bundled you under her arm and did a runner.’
Sophie ran her hands through her hair. ‘I know it all seems so odd. I wish you could meet Anna and then you’d understand my dilemma.’
Mandy put her hands up. ‘No, thanks. I do not want to meet that fruit-cake. I don’t want to be hypnotized or dragged into her cult or whatever it is she does.’
Sophie shook her head. ‘The really strange thing is I know you’d all like her.’
Mandy snorted. ‘I doubt that. I’d say Mum and Gran would kill her with their bare hands if she ever came near them. She ruined their lives.’
‘Anna would never do anything to hurt anyone. She’s just not like that – it’s all so confusing.’ Sophie’s eyes welled.
Mandy shifted uncomfortably. ‘Let’s talk about something else. Mum said you’re going to art college. She’s over the moon about that, especially as I can’t draw.’
Sophie’s eyes glistened. ‘I love art. When I’m looking at a beautiful painting or working on a piece myself, the world could be falling down around me and I wouldn’t notice. It’s like floating or something – it’s hard to explain.’
‘I kind of feel like that when I’m writing lyrics. Do you have a boyfriend?’
‘No. I’ve been out with a few people but no one special. I’m hoping to get more experience at art college when I meet boys with similar interests and passions.’
Mandy’s eyes widened. ‘Are you a virgin?’
Sophie blushed. ‘That’s none of your business.’
‘Oh, my God, you are! I thought all you English girls went to mixed schools and lost your virginity behind the bicycle shed at fourteen.’
‘I was at an all-girls’ Catholic school. My mother was the headmistress and the only male teacher we had was Mr Kelly, who was about ninety. So there was no one to have sex with behind the bicycle shed, even if we’d wanted to.’ Sophie shook her hair back and looked at Mandy. ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’
Mandy blew her fringe out of her eyes. ‘No. I’m kind of into this guy Johnny in my guitar class but he’s so not my type. He’s really friendly and at first I thought he fancied me but he’s the same to everyone. He’s just one of those sunny, happy people who is nice to everyone. I usually like bad boys – you know the dark, depressed ones who do drugs, skip school and rarely speak.’
‘Have you had sex?’ Sophie would never normally have asked someone such a personal question but as Mandy had asked her she thought it was all right to ask her back.
Mandy lit another cigarette. ‘Five times. Once with Killian, who was just crap, but at least I got the whole losing-my-virginity thing out of the way. And then four times with Leo, who I was completely in love with, but then I found out he was shagging Sarah Ford behind my back so I told him to fuck off and wrote a song about him. Writing music is my therapy. The song’s called “Two-timing Twit With The Two-millimetre Dick”.’
Sophie giggled. ‘Did he hear it?’
Mandy exhaled her cigarette smoke. ‘I posted it on my Face-book page.’
‘Wow! Good for you.’
‘Revenge isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m still kind of into Leo, to be honest, even though he’s an arsehole. His willy isn’t small at all.’
‘Did you use condoms?’
‘Duh! Of course. I don’t want to end up like my mother, with a kid at nineteen. No way! It would totally interfere with my plans to conquer the world with my music.’
‘I couldn’t imagine having a baby so young. Poor Laura. It must have been so hard for her to deal with all that. Until a few days ago my biggest dilemma was trying to persuade my mother to let me go to a nightclub.’
‘I couldn’t handle it either. Mum was lucky, though. My dad was really supportive. He still is, when he’s not being bitch-slapped about by his wife, Tanya.’
Sophie’s eyes watered.
‘What’s wrong? What did I say?’ Mandy looked worried.
‘I’ll never know my dad. Laura said she had a one-night stand with an American musician.’
‘Gran told me about it. She was furious with Mum for being such a slut. She keeps reminding me of how Mum got pregnant twice by mistake – she uses it as a warning to me not to have sex. Like, hello! There is such a thing as contraception. It’s a bummer that you’ll never meet your dad, but on the up-side, at least you don’t have to deal with a bitchy stepmother like I do.’
‘The really weird thing is that it’s almost exactly the same story Anna told me about my pretend dad. The only difference is that Anna said the man she slept with was an American architect.’
Mandy whistled. ‘Now that is freaky.’
Sophie was seeing green again. ‘I’m so sick of all her lies. I’ve had enough. I want some answers.’
She went over to the bed and picked up her phone. She had to find out the truth and only one person could reveal that.
26.
Anna
Dublin, July 2011
Anna ran into the lounge and threw her arms around Joe. ‘She called!’ She beamed up at him. ‘She wants to meet me this afternoon at five o’clock in Killduf village square. I’ll need to borrow your car. Oh, Joe, everything’s going to be all right. When I explain the story
to her she’ll forgive me. I know she will.’
Joe pulled Anna’s arms gently from his neck. He walked over to the window of his top-floor apartment and looked at the sprawling view of Dublin city. ‘She may not,’ he said quietly.
Anna’s happiness dissipated. ‘What do you mean?’
He turned back to her. ‘Oh, Anna, come on.’
‘Come on what?’
He took off his reading glasses and placed them on the towering bookshelf beside him. ‘Put yourself in Sophie’s shoes. She’s just found out she’s not who she thought she was. She’s discovered that her mother abducted her … that you are not, in fact, her real mother. You need to prepare yourself for a lot of anger. I doubt very much that it’s going to be a happy reunion.’
Anna sat down on the couch and fiddled with her ring – her mother’s engagement ring. She had given her own engagement ring back to Barry when they had split up, telling him to give it to the daughter he was sure to have one day. He hadn’t wanted to take it but she’d made him. It had been just another reminder of her failed marriage. But she always wore her mother’s ring. When her mother had become very sick, she had given it to Anna and asked her to wear it for good luck. She said she knew it would bring Anna a daughter, the daughter she deserved to have. It was a beautiful ring, an emerald surrounded by diamonds. Anna cherished it and had hoped to pass it on to Sophie one day.
She looked at her oldest, dearest friend. Joe had been so supportive, listening to her crying and ranting and panicking. But she knew that deep down he was disappointed in her. He didn’t agree with what she had done – he had told her so. But she knew he only felt like that because he hadn’t been there. If he had been on that boat and seen the state Laura was in, he would have done the same thing. A neglected child needs to be protected.
This Child of Mine Page 26
