by J. R. Tate
“I wonder why Dr. Clint discharged me.” I tap my finger against the window and watch the city pass by.
Rose glances at me, but keeps her eyes on the road. “When you were still asleep, I talked a good deal with that Nurse Riley that was secondary on your care. He said he wasn’t sure either, since you didn’t respond to medications and didn’t improve. He couldn’t really question the doctor, but said one of the stipulations of your release is a follow up appointment with Dr. Clint after he gets out of the hospital. He wants to track your progress before he completely releases you to get back to work.”
“If he releases me,” I correct her, scared to think that there is a chance I may never get back on the engine. How will the guys react anyway? Do they all know I was committed? Stuff like this is supposed to stay quiet, so how is an absence like this explained? I may never get to work with the same guys again.
“He knows something, otherwise I wouldn’t be driving you back home right now. They did tell me to secure the house and keep an eye on you. I know you’re not going to do anything, since I know everything you saw was real, but I’m still going to take some vacation so we can spend some time together. You have no idea how bad I still feel about how all of this played out, Nathan.”
She pulls into our driveway and my house has never looked more inviting. Rusty is on the porch, waiting, and stands up when he sees us. He immediately hugs me and I don’t want to let him go. Through it all, he’s the only one who stayed by my side the entire time. My embrace loosens when I see my father step out of the front door.
“Nathan…”
“Dad.” I nod toward him, but am not sure what to say.
“Nathan, your Dad has been a great help with all of this.” Rose grabs my hand, attempting to keep me calm.
“You’re looking better than the last time I saw you, Son.”
“I’m feeling a lot better too.” And for once, it’s the truth. I haven’t seen any of the ghosts since the fire. I haven’t heard any voices, but I also don’t want to get too comfortable. I fear they will be back to shake things up again.
“I know you felt betrayed by what we did. I know you feel betrayed with everything I’ve done to you. I’m not asking for you to forgive me right away, but I’d like to try and have a relationship now. This has all been an eye opener.”
I stare at him for a second. “I’m not really in the mood for this right now, Dad. I just got out of a psych hospital. I want my bed. I want to sleep. I want to know what is gonna happen next since it pretty much did nothing for me. You’ll understand if I don’t wan to get all cheesy with you right now, won’t you?”
He nods. “All I’m asking is for a chance. Not today. Not tomorrow. But eventually.”
I pat him on the shoulder. This has all been an eye opener to me too, and all I’ve ever wanted is a relationship with my own father. “You got it.”
I walk up the steps and into the living room, taking in the smell. It’s my home. Everything is just how I left it. I don’t even pay attention to Rusty or Rose, and walk up to my bedroom. Nothing has been more inviting than the bed, and I kick my shoes off and dive in, nestling in the warm covers. Though I’m not completely relaxed in fear of what I might see, I still feel myself sink deep into the mattress. My eyelids are heavy, and I don’t fight it. I expect to hear some kind of whisper, but it’s silent. Nothing disturbs me.
I feel the other side of the bed sink, and Rose’s arms wrap around me, hugging me from behind. She places a few light kisses on my neck and nibbles on my ear. Am I dreaming? I’ve been longing for her touch for so long, and I let out a deep breath. Her warm body against me is soothing, and any worry of my near future dissipates, leaving me right in the moment with my wife, the woman who I’ll love, even after everything we just went through.
“I love you, Nathan.” Her breath is warm and I turn to face her. She keeps her arms around me, and I look deep into her beautiful eyes. I plant a deep kiss on her lips, tasting her, touching her, and running my fingers through her long, soft hair.
Pulling away, another wave of worry courses through me. She reads me like a book, and arches her eyebrow. “Something wrong?”
“Will I get committed again?” It’s a whisper, almost like I’m too scared to say it out loud, like Sunset Canyon will hear me if I do.
“No.” She doesn’t even hesitate. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”
“What if they come back? What if I start seeing them again?”
“How long has it been since you’ve seen any of them?”
I think about it for a second. “In the fire at the hospital. When I got Dr. Clint out. So, a few days, I guess.”
“How long did you go without seeing them when all of this was happening?”
“This is the longest it’s gone without them.”
Rose traces my lips with her index finger as if she is studying me. She moves them up to my forehead, her brow creasing. “No trace at all? Not even the voices?”
“None,” I reply, enjoying her smooth hands on me. I can tell she’s looking at the marks the electrodes left from the ECT, as well as my now healing wounds.
“Did the electroshock therapy hurt?”
I try not to relive the memory, but it comes back full force. “Yes, it hurt. I can’t even explain how it felt.”
She begins to cry, and I wipe a tear away with my thumb. I hate to see her upset, but I’m also glad that she has finally come around to seeing it from my point of view. “I’m so sorry. I know I’ve said it a lot, but I can’t say it enough. What can I do to make up for putting you through all of that?”
I kiss her forehead. “I didn’t improve one bit while I was there. Why I’m home tonight, lying next to you is beyond me, Rose. When the ghosts start coming back, believe me this time. The last place I need to be is locked up like an animal. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes. I won’t ever make that mistake again.”
I shouldn’t trust her. I should be mad at her. But for some reason, I believe her and I’m glad I now have her support, despite the fact that I still do not understand any of this.
Chapter Sixteen
“Nathan…”
“Get up Nathan…”
My eyes shoot open and I try to grasp my bearings. The room is dark, and I feel Rose beside me, sleeping hard on my shoulder. I try not to move too much to not wake her, but the distant voice makes the hair on the back of my neck raise.
“Nathan, we need to talk.”
Damn it, they’re back. I really was hoping that it was done with, but I also had a feeling I hadn’t seen the last of the nuisances. I’m able to slip Rose’s head off of me without waking her and pull the covers off. A part of me wants to stay in bed, but my curiosity is running. What have I got to lose?
I walk out onto the landing, and the house is pitch black. “Who is there?” I ask.
“It’s us. Come talk to us.”
“Where are you?”
“Come down the stairs.”
I hesitate. What if they try to push me down and hurt me? I kick my foot out to take the first step, feeling ridiculous for going downstairs. I hurry and am relieved when I step into the kitchen. My breath catches in my throat when I see the woman and the two children standing near the couch. They don’t look near as hostile, almost normal.
“What do you want from me? You do realize how much bullshit you’ve caused my family and me, don’t you? I wish you’d go away.”
The woman moves forward and I take a few steps back, bumping into the wall behind me. She reaches her hand out, and this time her nails aren’t long enough to cause me to need to get stitches. They look clean and she isn’t taunting me.
“You’ve proven yourself, Lieutenant Gallagher.”
I cock my head to the side. “Proven what? How do you know I’m a Lieutenant?”
“We are all victims of fires or wrecks that you worked. We wanted to know why you didn’t save us. How come you couldn’t get us out in time?”
I feel the sweat gather on my forehead, and some drips into my eyes. “I knew I recognized all of you. I’m sorry I didn’t save you. Letting you die was not my intention.”
“We know that now, Nathan. We saw it during the fire at the hospital. You do care. You do want to get people out.”
I hold my hand up and shake my head. “Wait. You think I just let you die? You think I didn’t want to save you? You came and did all of this because of that assumption? You tried to kill me because of it?”
The woman, who normally had dark, cold eyes, now had blue ones. Her smile didn’t fade and the kids joined her at her side. “We didn’t understand. Now we do. We are at peace with what happened to us. We just needed to see for ourselves. Once you’re on this side, things are limited. We see only what we want to see. We feel only what we can. Since we didn’t make it, our only understanding was that the firefighter serving on our rescue didn’t get the job done. We had to come back and see it.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing, and again, I try to back up, but hit the wall behind me. “You tortured me before you knew? Why? Why did all of this have to happen? Why didn’t you just ask me?” My voice cracks and I try to fight back the emotion.
“Words are cheap. We finally got to see.”
“It still doesn’t make sense.” I’m confused, but it’s clear that I probably will never understand any of what has happened, and do I really want to know?
“It won’t make sense until you’re on this side. Until then, enjoy your life. Go be an amazing lieutenant. We know you are one. One day you will have all the answers, just like we got ours from you. We will no longer be around to cause you pain or trouble. We have our closure.”
They begin to fade away and suddenly I don’t want them to go. I want to find out more. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry you died.”
“We are at peace.”
With that last comment, I’m left alone in the living room. It finally dawns on me – They won’t be back. Will things get back to normal now? As normal as possible, I hope, but with the past month etched in my memory, I will still fear what could be and what is.
“Nathan?”
I turn to see Rose halfway down the stairs. “Hey babe.”
“Everything okay? Are they back?”
I pull her in for a hug, looking into the dark where they recently stood before me. I believe them. They say they won’t be back, and it’s true, though I’m not sure how I know that.
“They were here, but they’re gone. They won’t be back.”
She looks up at me. “Really?”
I nod and kiss her on the top of the head. “Really.”
One day you will have all the answers. The woman’s voice echoes in my mind. People often want to know why things have to be the way they are. And many believe that one day, everything in our lives will make sense. Until then, the only thing we can do is to keep living. I’m ready to get back to life.
***
I sit in Dr. Clint’s waiting room about a week after the last visit from the ghosts. As they promised, they have not been back. No voices, no nails digging into my skin, and best of all, no one trying to drag me down the hallway. Rose sits next to me, her hand clasped in mine, skimming through a magazine as we wait. It’s strange seeing his private practice. It’s much nicer than the hospital, and I’m more at ease. Any fear of being admitted again is gone. He can see for himself how well I’m doing.
My heart skips a beat when I see the waiting room door open. Dr. Clint steps inside, waving toward me. “Nathan Gallagher, you’re a sight to see! And this is Mrs. Gallagher. How nice that both of you came today.”
He is walking with a limp, but he looks great, despite everything that has recently happened. I allow Rose to go back with me. I have nothing to hide from her. I want her to hear everything.
We sit across from him, and to my surprise, the normal clipboard he clutches is gone. He’s free of any computer or anything to take notes with. “I can definitely say you look better,” he replies. “All of those injuries are almost gone. How have you been?”
“Amazing. No visits from anything or anyone. I’ve slept through the night. Even went out for a jog this morning.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
I adjust my weight in my chair and grab Rose’s hand. I want answers, but am almost scared to ask. “Dr. Clint, can I ask you something?”
“Anything, Nathan. Anything at all.”
I clear my throat, look at Rose, and finally build the courage up to ask. “How come you let me go home?”
At first he seems shocked that I asked. “What do you mean?”
“I woke up in the normal hospital and my wife is there, ready to take me home. After no improvement? No response to meds? Any other doctor would’ve wanted me back there for further treatment.”
Dr. Clint folds his arms over his chest. “There was nothing for me to do for you, and the reason I say that is because I saw exactly what you described to me during the fire. The woman and the two kids – exactly how you told me they appeared numerous times. Your story never changed. As a doctor, I should be a skeptic to such things that science can’t explain, but what I saw doesn’t lie. I will admit, at first, I really wondered. I had my own brain scan done. I tried to justify it and thought maybe it was just my imagination coming through during my unconscious state. When it comes down to it, I believe you, Nathan. You’re not schizophrenic. You’re not mentally ill. If you were, you would’ve responded to at least one of the treatments. You are just a guy who happened to see past to the other side. Who am I to say that’s not possible? Some people have that gift.”
I laugh and rake my hand through my hair. I’m relieved to hear him admit that I’m not crazy. “I don’t think gift is the word I’d choose.”
“You find anything else out since I’ve seen you?”
I tell him about my last visit. It’s the first time Rose has heard the full story as well, and it’s like a weight lifted off of my chest to let more people know about it.
“Angry souls wanting answers. That’s what it comes down to.”
Dr. Clint reaches out and shakes my hand as he walks me to the door. “I’ll be sure to write this up so you’re cleared with the department. Only your Chief knows about your hospitalization. The firehouse on scene the day of the hospital fire responded from a different city that’s closer to Sunset Canyon, so they don’t know you. It’s been kept quiet between everyone else. But you’ll be back on full duty soon. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Thank you, Doc. That means a lot to me.”
Rose and I turn to walk away, but Dr. Clint grabs my arm, stopping me. “Keep in touch, Nathan. You were a huge pain in the ass and stubborn to boot, but probably one of the best patients I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with.”
“Thanks for all of your help. I really do appreciate it.”
His hand tightens on my arm, and he pulls me in for a hug. “You saved my life. I’m forever grateful.”
“I can say the same for you, Doc.”
He pulls away and looks me right in the eye. “Don’t try to make sense of any of this. You’ll know one day. Just get back to work. Get back to your family. That’s where you belong.”
“I’m looking forward to it.” I look at Rose, winking at her. “Let’s get home. I gotta get ready for work.”
Epilogue
I have jitters like it’s the first day on the job. Like I’m a damn probie reporting to my new house. Standing in the bathroom, I take a long, hard look at myself. It’s my first day back since taking my leave of absence. I’m more than ready to get back on the truck and do what I do best. Smoothing my hand down the front of my lieutenant shirt, I take pride in it.
“I’m so excited for you.” Rose walks in, pausing to take a glance at me. “You look so good in that light blue shirt. I missed seeing it on you.”
“I missed wearing it.”
“So you already talked to your chief? The other
guys really have no idea?”
I run my hand down my face, rubbing some aftershave in. “As far as they are concerned, I took some vacation. Past that, they have no idea what happened. Not much else has been said.” I look at my watch. “I gotta get going. Let Rusty know that we’ll work on his jump shot tonight when I get home.” I lean in and kiss Rose. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she responds, smiling. “You’re gonna have a great day, hon.”
“You bet your ass I am.”
I make it to the firehouse thirty minutes early and sit in my truck, eyeing the station as if I’m some creepy stalker. The other shift is finishing up their duties, and a few of my guys are arriving. I’m nervous, and I wipe my clammy hands across the steering wheel. I’ve been on this job for over twenty years. I can come back strong after time off. I can’t let it have any more power over me.
Grabbing the door handle, I step out, clutching my duffel bag in my left hand. The cool air is nippy and I quicken my pace to get inside the garage, nodding to several guys as I walk past.
“Lieutenant Gallagher! Welcome back! We missed your ugly mug!”
I walk into the kitchen and the probie is waiting with my newspaper and my hot mug of coffee. “Son of a bitch…” I mutter. “You remember.”
“You stressed that I better not forget.” He scoots the chair out for me. “How was your vacation?”
I take a sip of the drink and skim over the headlines on the front page. “I’m glad to be back. And I guess you did forget.”
The probie looks at me, obviously confused. “How’s that?”
“Don’t talk to me until I’ve read this paper. Now go clean the rig.”
I have forgotten how much fun it is to get at the new guy. A few of the other guys walk through, welcoming me back, giving no inclination that they know anything. I’m still going to be paranoid. I’m sure they know it was related to seeing the girl on the last call I took when this was all starting. I don’t want to ask, and I’m sure they don’t want to say anything, so it’s best to leave it the way it is. The important thing is that I’m not crazy and have been deemed competent to get back to the job. The true test will be when my first call comes in.
