“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he says, leaning up to watch us fuck. He groans and pulls out then dives back in. His eyes squeeze shut and he goes still. “You feel too good. I can’t stop.” He sets the rhythm, and we go so hard the bed bangs into the wall with each thrust. Ten, twenty times, until I feel like I might black out from the pleasure.
“Come with me,” I moan.
He explodes, shouting my name. It’s such an intimate moment that I start to cry.
For one perfect night, I know what it’s like to be held in reverence, worshipped, and my purity defiled until I can barely move.
We meet Jewel around midnight at the halfway point to the farmhouse. Rebel is asleep in her arms when she hands him to me.
“Go well, little guy,” she says.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Nah. I hate emotional shit. Plus, no rest for the wicked. It’s a working night for me.”
“Thank you for everything,” I call after her.
She winks at me before climbing into her car.
We drive the rest of the way in silence, Jackal staying under the speed limit the entire time. I hold the sleeping Rebel to my chest. When we see the farmhouse, Jackal reaches over and squeezes my knee.
“Ready?”
“My heart is pounding so hard,” I tell him. “What if we took the wrong baby?”
He laughs so hard, Rebel stirs in my arms.
“With all we went through, little thief, she’s keeping this one whether it’s Rebel or not.”
Jackal puts the car in park, and for a moment, all we can do is stare at each other. I feel unfamiliar things unfurl in my belly when he looks at me like that.
“I was wrong about you,” I say.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah…”
“Phoenix,” he says.
My eyes are locked on his lips. He says my name again and I snap out of my trance.
“What?” I say, distracted.
He smiles at me knowingly and juts his head toward the house. I squint toward the darkness and can just make out the figure of someone standing in the doorway, her hand propping open the door as she peers out at us. I step out of the car, the light from the open door shining on me just enough to illuminate the small bundle on my chest. She steps from the doorway and to the edge of the porch. Her voice quivers when she says my name. “Phoenix?” The real question she’s asking lingers between us.
I nod once and she walks toward me, her steps careful, almost like she’s afraid of the ground opening up and swallowing her whole. When we’re just a few feet apart, she stops and looks at me with fear in her eyes.
“Is it him?”
I nod. She covers her sobs with her hand and for a minute I think she might fall to her knees in the mud as she stumbles backward.
“Can I take him?” she asks. “Is he sleeping?”
Her hesitancy confuses me. I expected her to run toward me and snatch him from my arms. She’s scared, I realize. That this is a dream perhaps, or that he won’t know who she is after all this time.
“Gwen,” I say. “He’s your baby. This is Rebel. He will know you. He belongs with you.”
She’s trembling as she reaches for him, her bottom lip quivering. Rebel lets out a little squeal when she lifts him from my arms. She cradles him, studying his face in awe.
“He’s bigger,” she whispers. “He’s so big.”
She lifts him to her lips and kisses his forehead just as he opens his eyes. One of Gwen’s tears hits Rebel’s cheek and he blinks in surprise. I’m praying he doesn’t cry, afraid that it will hurt Gwen. He stares up at her carefully before opening his mouth in a giant yawn. Gwen starts to laugh, the tears streaming down her face. She throws her head back laughing in joy as she clutches her boy to her chest.
And of all the things I’ve done, nothing feels quite like this.
TWENTY-NINE
PHOENIX
Prairie voles spend most of their time with their mate and are affectionate and monogamous.
We leave the farmhouse around two and head back to the city. It’s hard to let Jackal go, but he has to get back to the compound before daylight. Nordice expects him to be arriving from the Red this morning. And I’m still nervous about her, but the pilot has continued covering for him so far.
“I’ll find you tonight,” he says.
We kiss one more time and he leaves, smiling at me over his shoulder.
My body feels sluggish from the long night. I grin when I see the state of my bed—hardly any covers actually on the bed at all; they’re piled high on the floor. I collapse onto the bare mattress and fall into a deep sleep.
Gwen and Rebel are in the kitchen when I arrive after work. I stand in the doorway and watch them for a minute, not wanting to disrupt their solitude. She’s rocking him and gazing down at his face with such adoration my eyes immediately fill. She looks up at me and the first thing I think is that she finally looks at peace.
“Phoenix—” she says. “Hi.”
“Hi,” I say, tiptoeing in. “Is he asleep?”
“Almost…”
I slide into a chair, trying to be quiet.
“Listen,” she starts.
“Don’t,” I tell her. “You don’t need to.”
“You don’t understand,” she says, shaking her head. “They just took him from me. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn’t know…” She pauses to wipe the tears from her eyes. “I didn’t know if I’d ever get to see him again.” Her voice quivers and I swallow my own emotions, resisting the urge to cry. “How do you properly thank someone for giving back your child?” she asks.
I reach across the table and grab her hand. She squeezes my fingers, our eyes locked.
“He’s perfect,” she says, looking down at him.
“He is,” I agree.
She stands and brings him to me. He gazes up at me and my heart melts into the floor. She hands him out for me to take him.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
She nods and puts him carefully in my arms.
I look down at him in awe. He’s so brave...to be that brave. I wonder where his father is, if he knows what’s happened? News of Rebel’s kidnapping has spread across the Regions overnight. If he wasn’t famous already, he would be now.
“Langley is a bitch,” I say coldly. “It was a joy stealing what she stole.”
“There are more babies out there who need to be reunited with their mothers, Phoenix,” she says.
She has a peculiar look on her face. It’s so intense I can’t look away.
Rebel fusses and she stands up to take him from me. As she bends over us, her hands cover mine and I lean my forehead against hers. We stay like that for a few moments, the three of us being still, together.
For a few days, we pretend nothing is wrong, but the oppressive heat and the toads, which sing all night long, keep everyone awake. We’re a family of sorts, cooing over the baby and eating our meals around my grandparents’ worn kitchen table. The only person missing is Jackal, who hasn’t been here since the night he brought Rebel back to his mother. I miss him fiercely, but with a new driver and handler, he can’t risk being seen coming to the farm. I’ve had moments with him after performances, but it’s been stolen kisses and rushed words. In my heart, I know it can’t go on like this forever, but I push the thought away. We all secretly read the articles, watching the coverage of Rebel’s kidnapping with growing trepidation. It’s only a matter of time until they come here asking questions since I was in the house the night he was taken. I’m surprised they haven’t already covered the full guest list.
Moma and Mama B went home after their ordeal. We’ve sent messages but have limited our interaction until things blow over. I wake up on one particular day feeling off and am unable to put my finger on why. The house is quiet when I walk to the kitchen. I find Gwen standing next to the coffee machine staring at her empty mug.
“We’re leaving
tonight,” she says quietly.
I look at her, already shaking my head.
“It’s not safe for you if we stay here, and there’s so much work to be done. Look at how much time I’ve missed with him already—imagine how all the others feel who have been apart from their babies longer. I have to do something.”
“Why can’t you do it here?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
“It’s only a matter of time before they come here, Phoenix. We can’t be here when they do.”
“Then I’m going with you,” I say.
“You have a life here. I don’t even know where we’re going to sleep, how we’re going to eat. My entire life rests in the kindness of strangers.”
“Where will you go?” My voice trembles. “And are you positive it’s a foolproof plan?”
“Nothing is foolproof.” She smiles faintly. “We’re going to the Green. The Revolution has friends there. Jewel and my contact from the Red have arranged somewhere for us to stay. Looks like change starts in the west.”
I shake my head. “The change started with you.” I hesitate before saying the rest of what’s on my mind, but I can’t let it go. I want her to be happy. “Don’t you want to find Folsom?”
She looks down at her feet and studies her boots before saying anything. When she does, she has tears in her eyes. “I don’t even know where he went. And there’s too much to do here than go chasing after a man who is finally free.”
Tahira peeks in to see if we’re still crying and when she sees us, she nearly backs out again, but Gwen waves her in.
“Too much emotion going on in here,” Tahira says. She gives me a side hug and moves away to pick up her books from the table. “Can’t forget these…”
“What can I do to help?” I ask.
“Carry on. Act normal. Don’t you have to be at rehearsal soon?” Gwen looks at the time on the Silverbook. “Give us one more hug and then go,” she whispers, her eyes welling up again. “I can’t do long goodbyes.”
THIRTY
PHOENIX
Female snakes can store sperm for up to five years.
The day after Gwen leaves, I grieve the loss of all the people I’ve grown to love. My life was simple before them, sparse and tidy and...a void existence. I don’t know what to do with myself now. I got too attached to the baby, too accustomed to easy smiles and being with people who take me as I am.
I come back to the apartment to take my shower after a late evening’s performance. I don’t want to be around the company right now, their two-faced smiles and words grate more than ever now that I know what it means to have true friendships. I’m drying off when I hear someone at the door. I freeze, my mind entertaining every horrific possibility of who could be ringing my doorbell. I glance at the time. It’s not the police, I tell myself as I shrug into my robe. I leave my hair in the towel, and run for the door, groaning when the knock gets more aggressive.
“I’m coming already!” I yell.
I throw the door open and wish I hadn’t.
Sean stands in my doorway, looking me up and down, and his face settles into what I can only describe as contempt.
“Sean. Is everything all right?”
I step back as he invites himself in. I hold a hand to my throat, willing my pulse to steady. He walks to my bar and considers a drink, but he must find himself too distracted because he rounds on me empty-handed.
“We’ve been friends a long time, Phoenix, haven’t we?” he asks, his voice calmer than the red rising on his cheeks.
“Yes, we have,” I answer carefully. He shoves his hands into his pockets and walks toward the window, peering down at the city.
“And you’ve known how I feel about you for—how long now? At least a year?”
Longer, really, but I keep quiet. I nod, biting the inside of my cheek. There is a slow building of dread curdling in my belly.
“So imagine my surprise when I realize that I don’t know you at all.”
“Of course you do,” I tell him. I swallow hard and continue. “You know the things about me that are important.” It sounds false even as I’m saying the words, but I can’t stop. “What’s happened, Sean?”
“I know what you’ve done,” he says simply. “You kept leaving that night. You were acting strange. So I followed you. I saw you leave and come back dressed differently…I saw you running into the woods carrying something. Now I know who that was. I didn’t want to think you were capable—” He shakes his head.
I step back and the backs of my legs hit the chair. I sit down.
“You used me, Phoenix. To steal a baby,” he says.
“I didn’t steal a baby. I returned a baby to his mother.”
“You know what I mean. You put my career at risk...the Blue.”
“Sean…” I rub a hand across my forehead. How could I possibly explain this? He is going to hate me either way. “I’m truly sorry for that...I never wanted to put you in that position. I hoped and prayed it would never come back on you in any way. Who knows besides you?”
Both of our Silverbooks go off, hovering and flashing that there is a Regionwide Alert.
I jump up and try to turn it off, but it keeps flashing. It sets my nerves on edge, but he ignores the alert and so do I. He also ignores my question.
“What have you gotten yourself involved in, Phoenix?”
“I never meant for this to happen.”
“But it did, didn’t it?”
I stare down at my hands.
“They’re investigating everyone at the party. They’re coming to see you.”
I look up suddenly, Sean’s eyes boring into me.
“I’d get to that little house you have in the country before they find your guests,” he says.
I go still, the pit in my stomach growing. “You’ve been watching?”
He shrugs and looks away. “I had to know for sure. You haven’t been at the apartment when I’ve stopped by. So, I followed you yesterday from the theater and saw someone who looked just like Gwen Allison holding a baby…in your house.” He shakes his head. “When you took the baby from her and held him, I knew.” He rubs his eyes with his fist and looks at the ceiling. “They can’t continue to stay there, Phoenix. This is all going to blow up on you.”
Keep the peace, I tell myself over and over. Keep the peace, and get him out of here. I shiver then put my head in my hands and nod.
“Thank you for telling me.” I stand up and move toward the door. His next words stop me.
“Are you sure all the cameras weren’t working the night you took Rebel?” he asks, reaching into his pocket.
“We had someone take care of that—”
“—They missed one,” he interrupts. “I hope, for your sake, there aren’t more…”
I look at him sharply. His tone sounds straightforward, nothing sinister or threatening. “You’re not turning me in?”
“Not yet. You have enough to deal with for hiding fugitives. They’ll come to the conclusion about the baby without me handing over proof.”
“Sean,” I say carefully. “I undid a wrong. You and I both know that baby should never have been taken from Gwen. You’re a kind, decent…”
“I know how nice I am.” His tone has bite. “I’ve said all I came to say...except for this: I can make it all go away,” he snaps his fingers, “just like that.”
He’s always had a flair for the dramatic is the thought that crosses my mind and I quickly stifle it down. He’s hurt and I did that to him.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“Be with me. Marry me, move in with me, commit to me—I don’t care how we make it official—but come home with me, today, and I will keep you safe.”
I’m shaking my head before he gets the words all the way out. His lip quivers when he says “safe” and I put my hand on his arm.
“No,” I say softly.
“How much of your no is because of Jackal Emerson?” His face tightens as if daring me to disagree
.
“None of it.”
He flattens his lips together and then scoffs. “I don’t believe you.”
“You don’t have to...but it’s the truth. I respect you too much to pretend to be in love with you,” I say.
“Not even when it means protecting yourself and those you love?”
“My whole life has been constrained and tidy. I’ve never tried to break out of the life that someone else planned for me. At times it’s been like a prison, but I thought it was what I deserved...what I was made to be. I know better now. I can’t be tamed. I won’t be tamed.” I lean in and get in his face. “Even if that means I go to prison.”
He turns on his heels and walks to the door. His eyes are bleak when he looks at me.
“Please let me help you. You’ll regret this, Phoenix.”
“I don’t think so,” I say softly. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”
He walks out of the door and out of my life.
THIRTY-ONE
JACKAL
Female bottlenose dolphins sometimes use their snouts as dildos on other females.
I collapse into a chair, exhausted. Nordice won’t let up on me, and not seeing Phoenix has left a vacant gnawing in my gut that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling. I close my eyes, trying to force sleep, but a message hits my Silverbook and notifies me.
“Regionwide Alert,” it says. “Regionwide Alert.”
I know these messages, sent by the Statehead—they won’t stop repeating themselves until watched. I sit up to find the screen hovering around me, flashing the red words REGIONWIDE ALERT. PLAY NOW. I groan, tapping the message and waiting for it to play. It’s probably something about Gwen’s escape or Rebel’s disappearance, but when I open it, it’s nothing of the sort. I bolt upright, the blood rushing to my head.
Gwen sits on a stool against a white wall, her hair loose around her face. Her shoulders are squared and straight, but her eyes are sad.
Jackal Page 17
