by Nate Allen
His life had become that scratched DVD that catches and keeps replaying the same scene of the movie over and over, Tony and Rae, and for the life of him, he couldn’t fast forward beyond it or skip to the next scene. It had to be painful. All those aspects of his personality that had worked against him in the past had corrupted those that had, and it went from light to dark, from yang to yin.
They’d had their usual pep-rally regarding her upcoming “me” time, but when she cancelled at the last moment “because one of the children was sick,” …in a contrasting pattern of his own that was developing, he had to see for himself. The absence of cars in the driveway was sufficient enough for him to continue his “investigation.” Jake knew her schedule and routine, for a smart gal she was remarkably predictable, though it was more a product of the fact she had a small comfort-zone, and a big desire to control her situations that made her so, and not naiveté. He found her at a neighborhood bar they had occasionally rendezvoused. Neighborhood in the sense it was a neighborhood establishment …just not her neighborhood where she might run into her actual neighbors or fellow PTA members. Anxious, in a voyeur meets peeping Tom moment where he was about to step out of the anonymity and darkness of what had been her backyard and make himself an unscripted character in her play. He strolled in and found what he had feared …but suspected. She was there, and not alone. Squirreled away in the corner with the same fella he’d seen at her house, earring, tribal tattoo on his right bicep, and short black hair like one of those Paul Mitchell salon photos at the place Jake got his hair cut.
Up close he had an ethnic appearance about him, though watered down like second or third generation. He was a good-looking guy, they looked good together, and he understood the attraction …and hated it. There were only certain things he could compete with, and it riled him that she had chosen to break off their plans to spend them with this guy …again, believing he had successfully cut him from the herd with his stunt. In an attempt to avoid looking pathetic, he called Ivey to see if she was available and willing to play the role of a paramour. She had extended the offer in a sense with her text, and only lived ten minutes away and was happy to oblige for a little while before heading out to meet up with her friends.
He could feel the static blurring into a panic as he waited, like some commercial strength tool it was inappropriate for everyday “household” use but it had its utility in his life. Probably the remnant of some primitive or ancestral ingredient of being a man that made Ivan “terrible,” or …Alexander “great.” One man’s curse is another man’s blessing, for Jacob it was a bit of both, the most god-awful sensation and the first thing he would have changed about himself, and the last thing he would have wanted to …the chink that if ironed out would’ve weakened the armor of the man, but it was his and it was not an unfamiliar sensation so he calmed himself before he had the appearance of the bad-ass at the end of the bar about to have a panic-attack.
Rae hadn’t noticed him yet, and he hoped she wouldn’t until Ivey arrived. The young man made his way to the bar to order another round of drinks, as Jake literally bullied his way to the counter to take a spot next to him and ordered a beer. Uninvited, he leaned over and whispered to the guy “If you nibble on that woman’s earlobe when she arches her back, then whisper ‘you fuck like a porn star,’ she’ll coo like a songbird for you.” “Who the fuck are you?” Tony replied, now revealing a hint of an accent like some character on Jersey Shore. “I’m the man she’ll call when you don’t get the job done,” Jake responded with a deliberately sarcastic snarl and a wink, sensing the young man represented an exception to her “intelligent conversation” criteria, and that he might have to spell it out for him …or say it again slower.
The man squared his shoulders as if he might start something, …expecting the older man to flinch, then relaxed as Jake stood there smiling, his thumb hanging on his left pocket in case he needed to channel some Earl. At forty-five he had a good fight or two left in him, hopefully the situation wouldn’t merit the expenditure of that rain-check voucher on this occasion. “Give it a try buddy, one soldier of love to another,” Jake continued, subtly egging him on. The man looked at him like he was sick in the head, took their drinks back to the table, and sat surprisingly silent, occasionally glancing up at Jake as if pondering the advice and its origin. It was the worst advice he’d ever given another man, he almost felt guilty …almost.
He hoped the boy would try it, it would most assuredly not please the woman, he knew it was a tender kiss on the neck below the ear, a hand underneath the small of her back to gently angle her, a short thrust, while he whispered something sweet to her with a simultaneous hit bottom plunge, and boom, just like a simple erotic equation, A+B=Big “O”, she’d tense, breathless, then relax with a long slow sigh, call God’s name or his, and drop that egg, her legs falling open like an oyster offering up it’s pearl.
She’d noticed him by now, and it had caused a bit of a distraction as if she had a trace of static about her as well. He winked and then sent her a text, it read: “I hope you think of me right before you don’t cum …and right after you wish you had.” Then he stood there at the end of the bar, a look of satisfaction about him like a man who had just robbed a bank and made a clean getaway before anyone knew of the theft, the pair none the wiser they had been relieved of their chance to fully enjoy the evening. Call it social engineering …or a Trojan horse if you prefer, but behind the suggestion of helpfulness in his unsolicited guidance and the sarcasm in his text, was indeed malice …even if it never made it any further than a second thought, the damage was already done. He had succeeded in making certain he was gonna be on both their minds tonight, and he laughed to himself at the accomplishment.
That was why she’d call him somewhere down the road, regardless of her anger and disdain for his intrusion on her evening, or the discomfort she felt, not about having lied to him, but his knowledge of the fact. Because when it was all said and done she had friends, she had a husband. What she was in need and desirous of was a lover. To feel appreciated and yet tenderly ravished in the process, and Jake had paid attention, been a good student of her, a consistent provider if you will, and she would come to resent him in a sense for his consistency, as if he had created a log-in to her g-spot which only he had the password for.
And right on cue, Ivey arrived, looking very much the part, and the visual aid she presented would fuck up Rae’s evening even more, in an “I’ll see your young stud massage-therapist and raise you a babysitter/cheerleader/stripper,” kinda way, even her date had taken notice of the young woman. And with a wink and a nod he finished his beer and left for the apparent promise of hijinks, even though they would say goodbye in the parking lot, his mission accomplished. The evening had exposed her untruth and it pissed her off. She couldn’t readily accept her obvious inability to lie to him. He had also deliberately rubbed his freedom in her face, and very attractively so. It was a contrived and orchestrated performance and nothing would happen that night, but now Rae had a visual to go with the reminder that he was out there living his life, while she remained like a restless animal trapped in a cage, only getting morsels and never a meal, but his victory would be largely symbolic. He had hoped they were beyond this as friends, the lying, pretense and charade, but it was apparent they weren’t …beyond it that is, not that they weren’t friends.
Ivey had come through for him, and he would be grateful. It was unclear as to whether he saw her again after that. He was honest, but he was also very private. It would be a while before he saw Rae again though, and a while longer before she saw him, that distinction now needs to be made. He “poked” her every so often with an email of his twelve-inch variety, just to remind her he was still out there, but she couldn’t forget even if she’d tried. She wouldn’t know it, but he was secretly minding her business, looking after her, and going forward, she might have even thanked him if she had.
There’s no denying the woman had it goin’ on though, unknown to
anyone but Jake …even the ’Nental bunch was unsuspecting. Once he got beyond the initial pain and appall of it, the man was impressed on an objective level, he knew single women who weren’t putting up those kinds of numbers, she wasn’t bowling them all down at once, but she only needed a 7-10 split for a spare. Most men couldn’t have handled it, but he saw her as a work of art. What was of primary importance for him was that he had the pleasure of enjoying it, however infrequently, and not that anyone knew or understood. He had decided for himself that a little bit of Rae in his life was better than none. In a fucked up way it was chivalrous, and his loyalty admirable, he was nobody’s bitch or punk, but he was definitely one of a kind.
Let’s face it, we all want to be picked for the team at recess to play kickball …even if we don’t like kickball. The desire to be liked and accepted is instinctual and necessary to our survival, the herd weeds out the weak and the unpopular and she had chosen someone else that evening. But there are individuals that exist irrespective of the proverbial damn labeling he despised, and he was such a man. Not oblivious or immune to it, but mindful of the fact that if you give someone too much influence in your life, if you care too much about what others think, you give them control over you… And just like that hard-earned confidence he had come about, that which is given can be taken away, that which is earned cannot. He had cast aside those shackles of social mores and norms and relied only upon himself and his internal compass, though the magnetic north might have been growing off.
Whether you side with National Geographic …or Cosmopolitan… on the whole alpha, beta, omega male debate, there are undeniably those men who are equal to the alpha male in terms of strength, cunningness, and attraction. In any other life he would have grown to be an alpha, it was in his blood, his lineage, but life and circumstances had made of him a different man, in some ways a stronger man, the ostracized child who had come not to need the approval of others. In an animal kingdom sense they are perhaps the most feared male in nature, and yet considered the lowest members of the social order because they serve no purpose to the group, the family, pack or pride, but stand outside it as a distraction and a threat.
The could-be leader who doesn’t want to be, whose existence presents a danger to the alpha that is. He was a singular creature, and like the rogue he was, he enjoyed the company of others, he just didn’t require it, and she seemed like the perfect companion female, trapped in a family unit against her nature, wanting to run away, but incapable. The responsibilities and commitment to her children and their well-being, and Glen as the source of that, the bars to her beautiful suburban cage.
It made for an interesting entanglement. What had begun as an intense brief affair, a love triangle at its onset, had evolved into a sexual octagon or some shit. Her husband was oblivious. She thought she and her three faces of Eve or Sybil, or United States of Tara, had everyone fooled, and Jake stood there as the only individual accidentally aware of it, and not aware of it all. He loved her in spite of what he knew, and that’s what makes this story unique. Perhaps he had just become un-well, but for the time being she was getting what she wanted from him as he saw it, she just wasn’t giving it back …and that would become an issue as time went on.
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CHAPTER 10
PSYCHOLOGICAL WEEDING
As you can imagine, there was an uncomfortable period of silence following the occasion at the bar, and sometimes there is much to be said by the absence of communication. On her behalf, the woman who never said anything she didn’t mean had told a lie to the one man she wanted to be honest with, perhaps not always truthful and forthcoming, but honest. Who also happened to be the one person who could cause more harm to her house of cards than anyone, and more importantly, she’d gotten caught telling it.
Not a big deal really, but yet it had undeniably left her feeling vulnerable and exposed. But that wasn’t all. She was also experiencing some unexpected discomfort about seeing Jake in his natural element. It was one thing to tell him to live his life and know that he was, and another to see him living it. Not just that he was living it, but a vivid reminder that she wasn’t. She wanted to maintain the notion that she was special in his life, it had empowered her, and she wasn’t ready to relinquish the idea that part of the man belonged to her …and in reality she was, and he did. But that insecurity in the suburban wife/mother of three’s mind was unexpected and it affected her, and that affected her. The fact that the coincidence of it all didn’t seem entirely coincidental had left her unnerved as you might expect. And when she hadn’t heard from him, the emotional mathematics of it didn’t add up, which exacerbated all of the above. It produced a Xanax moment for the gal, or a Xanax couple of days as it were.
He on the other hand was letting it play out and enjoying the discomfort he had wrought, knowing that if he had been the one to contact her right away it would have been received with the same curt cautionary remark about getting too involved. Think of it like this, there’s that moment when the parent is angry when the child if ten minutes late for their curfew, but after thirty minutes, that anger becomes concern, when the child finally walks through the door an hour late …concern becomes relief, the anger not gone, but no longer at the forefront. Right now she was concerned, and the longer she went without hearing from him the more she felt an unfamiliar culpability, as their unspoken “honor among thieves” code had been broken, and uncertainty about what he was thinking. Reverse Psychology 101. And she needed to speak with him, Glen’s father had fallen ill. There was a potential storm on the horizon of her life, and only Jake would understand.
When he finally heard from her she did what a lot of people in a similar situation would do, she followed the lie with another lie… And he said nothing other than he was glad to hear from her. Sometimes manure is fertilizer, and sometimes it’s just bullshit, and Jake knew the difference here to be insignificant. The boy who had never learned when to run from confrontation, had become a man who had learned how to step back and duck… The last thing the referee says to the fighters… “Protect yourselves at all times,” or protect your interests as the case may be. Sometimes you concede a pawn to take something of greater value later. And what was of greater value to him at this point, his interest so to speak was mainly reminding her that he was the stud horse in her stable, and he needed to be taken out for a run and stretch his legs …and hers.
The text he had sent was mean and distasteful, the sexual equivalent of an “I told you so,” only in advance. After Tony’s ten minute “fuss and grunt,” and mumbling some business about her being a porn star while he slobbered on her neck, he scurried out to watch a UFC pay-per-view with his buddies. In the loneliness of the remainder of the wasted evening that followed she couldn’t help but think of Jake. She just couldn’t tell him so.
But he had anticipated that, or created it to be more precise, and when the time felt right he seized the opportunity to poke her with his metaphoric rod figuratively, so that he could perhaps stick her with his actual rod more literally. You’ll remember he had ulterior motives in most everything he wrote at this point, so be mindful of the contradictions that seem obvious …they were not so apparent to her.
Rae,
It was great seeing you, you looked inviting …wish I had gotten the invitation ;) Nice-looking fella, hoped you enjoyed your evening. It was the first time I’ve seen you when we weren’t together. Strangely difficult and distracting for me to say the least. Did you feel it, that sexual chemistry and tension between us? Remember, honesty is not a luxury or convenience with me. I “desire”… no… “Need” one relationship in my adult life without the bullshit and pretense …even if it hurts. Of course you know I did, like a Tesla ball I could see it from across the room. And yet we’ve been reduced to penpals and phone calls of late, what’s that all about? Grown tired of me? Was it something I didn’t say? :))
You asked me to save a small place in my life for you, and I have. Like any path that’s not traveled that often t
he weeds have grown over it but it’s still there nonetheless.
I’d love to take a stroll with you if you get my drift… I stood across the room and watched you flitter and float like the butterfly you are …hoping you would land on me, and still do.
Wanna get together? My account needs servicing …is this customer service? ;) Can I schedule an appointment for “maintenance”? ;) Where else are you gonna find a guy who accepts you for who you are, accommodates your schedule and boundaries, yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah,… AND …can write you letters that make you laugh and tear up at the same time… :)) …my one distinctive…and for some, most redeeming quality ;)
Lovers come and go, but “love” is hard to find Rae. We’re obviously gonna get separated on this “path” at times, just don’t lose sight of me entirely …unless you want to ;)) I’d like to stay tethered to you for the duration of this journey. I told you that I would never be the most successful, or attractive man you would meet but for a few women whom I let get close to me, I am a curious mix of things they find most attractive …are you one of them? Until you decide, I’ll still allow myself to think about you, and the much-anticipated warm embrace of a familiar stranger …among other things ;)
Love,
-Jake
It was now April, springtime in North Carolina, the Dogwoods were abloom and the Encore Azaleas were making their debut, presenting themselves like buxom beauties strutting their stuff at an Easter parade. While autumn was his favorite season, spring was undoubtedly his second, the revitalization and renewed sense of life it brought with it would breathe fresh air into their relationship. She needed some attention, cultivation from an experienced and familiar gardener. Easter was coming up and the holiday presented the opportunity to get together, and this time, much to his delight, he would get the job and not simply the call for an estimate. He had some long awaited business to take care of where she was concerned, some clearing of briers from his mind and psychological weeding so to speak.
