“Are you staying at the hotel, Ryan? Bryan won’t be back tonight because he’s staying at the hotel too. But, you are more than welcome to stay here.”
“No, that’s fine. I’ll get a room wherever you guys are staying.”
“I’ll get my stuff, and we can drive over together,” Emily states while sauntering away.
“I’m sorry. I forgot we weren’t staying here tonight. Do you want me to pay for your room?” I begin to bite my fingernails nervously.
Ryan grabs my hand, pulling it away from my mouth. “You are not paying for my room. You might have forgotten, but I remembered you telling me you were staying at a hotel. I have plenty of money. Don’t worry.” He laces our fingers together. “Do I need to book the room for two nights?”
“No, I booked mine for two nights. You can stay with me tomorrow night,” I answer automatically. I would hate for him to spend extra money when we can share a room.
“I’m waiting!” Emily yells from inside the house.
Ryan chuckles and walks toward Emily’s loud mouth while dragging me behind him with our hands still twined together.
After we pull out of the driveway, Emily begins drilling Ryan. Dear God, help us all.
“So Ryan, what’s your deal?” Emily asks, leaning over the center console to get a better look at Ryan sitting in the passenger seat.
“Em!” I give her a menacing look from the rear-view mirror.
“What? I just want to get to know him,” she says seeming offended.
Ryan laughs from his seat finding Emily amusing rather than annoying. Why isn’t he on my side?
“I live in the same apartment building as Avery. I have a younger brother, James, in college. I’m in construction. I love the color orange, but I hate oranges. Lover of cats and goats. I lead a boring life. Not much to tell,” he says shrugging.
“Cats and goats?” I question.
“Have you ever seen a cat or goat video? They are hilarious,” he states as if it’s obvious.
Can’t argue with that. I could watch those videos for hours and not get bored.
“Do you drink? Smoke? Party? Have one night stands?” Emily fires off in her usual fashion.
“Oh my gosh,” I say, while rolling my eyes. “You do not need to know all of that.”
“I don’t, but you do.”
My face heats up, and I’m sure I look like a tomato. Why is she doing this to me?
“I don’t drink, smoke, or go to parties. I used to have one night stands, but not anymore.”
“Ryan, please do not encourage her probing,” I say, mortified.
He simply laughs but otherwise ignores me.
“And you’re Avery’s sponsor?” Emily question with a hint of evil in her voice.
“Yes.”
“For now.” Emily says not so quietly.
“Emily!” I yell. I take the opportunity to blare the radio through the car halting all conversation and saving myself from the embarrassment my so called friend is inflicting on me.
The hotel isn’t fancy, but it’s nicer than most of the other ones in the area. I spared no expense for tonight. I booked the nicest room they had available. While Emily was showering, I ordered room service for Ryan and us. He’s on the same floor but down a different hall. I wanted to do something nice for him as a thank you.
Our room has a California king bed and a huge flat screen television on the wall across from it. There’s a couch and coffee table along with a small kitchen. I’ve never understood why people stay in fancy hotels. To me, it’s a waste of money. If I’m somewhere that I have to stay in a hotel, I’m probably there on vacation. When I’m on vacation, I hardly see the inside of my hotel room. It’s strictly used for sleeping. Tonight is a different story, though. Tonight is the last night before my best friend gets married. She deserves nothing but the best.
Room service is delivered before Emily is out of the shower, so I place it all on the coffee table and wait for her slow ass to get out of the bathroom.
My phone dings with an incoming text, and I run to dig it out of my purse. Ryan’s name lights up my screen.
You didn’t have to order me room service.
Yes, I did.
No, you didn’t. I came with you because I wanted to.
I’m glad, but just say thank you.
Thank you. I’ll see you in the morning.
Goodnight, Ryan.
“Is all this for me?” I hear Emily say from behind me.
“Well, some of it is for me,” I counter.
“Man, I was looking forward to eating all of it.”
“If you eat all of your food, I’ll order more,” I negotiate with an eye roll.
“Deal.”
We eat our food and talk about her wedding. Thirty people will be there tomorrow, and I know that’s more than they were expecting. Their deck will be converted for the reception after the wedding, but all the food will be kept inside to avoid bugs. Katie and I will be decorating tomorrow while Bryan and Luke are in charge of setting up all chairs and tables.
“What’s going on with you and Ryan?” Emily asks.
“What do you mean?” I question, wiping any remaining food from my mouth.
“You seem close.”
“We are, but we’re just friends.”
“You look like more than friends to me,” she backfires, leaning against the couch and placing one foot on the table.
“We’re not,” I say defensively.
“Hey, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. You’re eventually going to have to move on, Avery.”
“Is that why you started grilling him in the car?”
“I wanted to see how he reacted.”
“Did he pass whatever test you were putting him through?” I cross my arms over my chest annoyed with her.
“Yeah, he did. I like him, and Avery, he likes you. I saw it the second I laid eyes on him. You’re not a friend to him.” She places her arm around my shoulder.
“He doesn’t like me. He’s my sponsor.”
“You tell yourself whatever you want, but I can see it. It’s not a bad thing. He seems like a good guy.”
Does he really see me as more than a friend? I haven’t paid much attention to his actions since I’ve known him. How the hell could he like me when I have so many problems, not to mention the unresolved issues he has with his dad. I know I’m attracted to him, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to get involved with each other with everything going on in our lives.
Thankfully, she drops the subject, and we spend the rest of the night watching movies and eating more dessert than we should before falling soundly asleep.
TEN
Standing back, I admire all the work Katie and I put into the décor for Em’s wedding. It’s breathtaking. The sun is shining brightly over the water causing it to shimmer as the waves crash onto the shoreline. A wooden altar at the edge of the deck is covered in white and deep blue dahlias, and white plastic folding chairs form an aisle leading to the altar. Mason jars full of flowers are tied to the end of the chairs at the end of each row. Cream-colored candles in hurricane vases filled with sand are placed down the make-shift aisle Emily will soon be walking down to bind her life and love to Bryan.
After I get my emotions in check, I head back to Em’s room to help her get ready. When I open the door, I see her standing in front of her mirror wearing a towel around her body and flip flops on her feet. What in the world?
“What are you wearing?” I ask her, trying not to laugh.
She turns to me with a frantic expression. “My corset ripped.”
“On your dress?” I wonder, closing the door and walking toward her.
“No, Avery. The corset I was going to wear under my dress. I was trying to get the tag off, and I ripped the fucking thing. What am I going to do?”
Again, it’s hard not to laugh at her. I know she’s completely serious, but she has to know on some level she’s being completely ridiculous. “Wear a bra,
” I say as if it’s the obvious answer.
“I don’t have one.” She throws her makeup on her dresser and stomps her feet.
“What do you mean you don’t have one?” How in the world does she not have a bra? Is she losing her mind?
“All I have are stupid colored bras. I don’t own one bra that is white, nude, or strapless.”
“Why not?”
“Ugh, Avery, I don’t have time to explain this to you. What am I going to do? The damn dress I bought has no support, and there’s no way in hell I’m going braless in a white dress.”
“You can have mine. I’ll be fine in my dress without one.”
“Are you sure?” she questions.
“Of course.” I grab her in a hug and try to calm her down. “Now, let’s get you ready.”
I help Emily get into her dress and finish her hair. She looks amazing. She’s wearing a full-length wedding dress made of a light material that will blow in the wind. A small rhinestone belt rests under her breasts with a white flower off to the side. Just as I zip her up, Katie rushes through the door with our bridesmaid dresses.
“Sorry I’m late,” she says breathing heavily.
Emily stares daggers into her. I seal my lips to prevent my smile from slipping through. Katie and I throw on our knee-length, strapless deep blue dresses and have ten minutes to spare before the ceremony.
“You look gorgeous, Em,” Katie says admiringly.
“Thanks.”
“So, I brought a little something for you to have before the wedding.” Katie digs through her purse and pulls out two shot-sized bottles of vodka. I divert my gaze, pretending to find my lap fascinating. “Here ya go. It’s to settle your nerves.”
Emily doesn’t say anything, but I can feel her eyes burning a hole through me.
“Oh,” Katie says nervously, “I’m sorry, Avery. I didn’t even think about…” She trails off not finishing her sentence.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be right back.” I stand from the oversized chair and walk into the hallway.
“What the hell were you thinking, Katie?” Emily says loudly enough for me to hear on the other side of the door.
“Sorry. Should I go check on her?”
“No, let her be. She’ll come back when she’s ready.”
I hear the sound of two bottles clinking and decide it’s time for me to walk away. I head downstairs to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water, which does little to take my mind off what just happened.
The last time I had a drink was almost a month ago. I wish I could say it’s getting easier, but it’s not. The cravings are there every day, but I usually get by with keeping my mind preoccupied. The moment I take one second to breathe, all the desire comes rushing back in one massive wave. I take a sip of water and slam it on the counter resulting in water sloshing onto the counter. I glance around for a towel, but instead, I spot a bottle of wine sitting on top of the refrigerator. It would be so easy to grab the bottle and down it before anyone found me. I stare at the bottle for longer than I should. I want to reach out and touch it. I want the liquid to run down the back of my throat and coat my insides, making me feel like a different person. One who can forget.
Forget my addiction.
Forget my sadness.
Forget him.
“You’re stronger than this, Avery,” Ryan whispers next to my ear. “You don’t need the alcohol. The woman I know is amazing, and I don’t want to lose her.” He places his hands on my shoulders and turns me around to face him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Maybe later,” I lie. I never want to talk about it. I never want him to see how weak I am. He believes in me more than he should, and I’m afraid of the day I let him down. Because, it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.
“You look gorgeous,” Ryan says, scanning my body from head to toe.
“You don’t look half bad yourself,” I lie, again.
He looks incredible. I’ve never seen him dressed in anything other than jeans and a t-shirt or the occasional polo shirt. He pulls off this look well. The rich blue of his shirt makes his California tan pop. His hair is tamer than his usual tousled look. His stunning smile is ever-present and more than mesmerizing.
Desire flames in the back of my mind, taking over all thoughts of alcohol. I need to put some space between us. “I have to get back to the bride. I just needed some water.” I lift the bottle of water to validate my comment.
I speed away before he can say anything else.
Inhaling, I take a deep breath before turning the knob of Emily’s bedroom door. I’m relieved when I walk in and see no signs of the alcohol I know they downed while I was gone.
“Come on; let’s make an honest woman out of you.” I throw Emily a playful look as I hold the door open waiting for her and Katie to make their way out of the room.
The wedding goes off without a hitch. Emily and Bryan say their beautiful vows and dance the night away before rushing off to be alone. I say my goodbyes to Katie and Luke, as they have to get back home to their new puppy, Leo. I told her she should have brought him with them, but she didn’t want him to cause any trouble. Instead of enjoying the beach, she’s heading home early to the domestic life.
I wander off to the beach by myself and allow the soft breeze to whip my deep blue dress around. My hair swirls in my face as I stare out into the darkness of the night. The moon is illuminating the ocean, and the stars shine bright in the black night sky. But I can’t enjoy the beauty before me, all I can think about is the love I lost.
A wedding makes me think of him more than I care to admit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Emily, but it makes me remember I had that love and lost it. Lost it in a way that I can never get it back because the man I love was taken from me in the cruelest way.
Death is a bitch.
Deciding to inflict further torture on myself, I unlock my phone and flip through my pictures. Pictures of Grayson. He was so happy and full of life. His smiling face takes up my screen, and a small smile tugs at my mouth. I scroll through picture after picture until I can’t take the pain beginning to fill my chest.
Being brave, I tap the voicemail icon that has plagued me with worry and guilt for the last day and a half. His mother’s voice fills my ear in seconds making me wish I opted for throwing my phone in the ocean.
“Avery,” she says crying, “how could you do this to us? You took my only child away from me because you weren’t strong enough for him. Why wasn’t Grayson enough for you to get your act together? Why did you do this to us? You’re terrible…”
I forcefully jab the screen, ending the sound of her voice before I hear the rest of her message. I don’t need to hear what else she has to say because I’ve heard it from her before.
When Grayson and I were together, his parents loved me. They thought of me as their daughter. They never knew about the drinking or drugs. They saw the illusion we provided them each time we had dinner at their house. It wasn’t always like that. Only in the last year of our relationship did we begin to fake it. I never pretended to love Grayson that was real. As real as the wind blowing across my face. The fighting was also real, but every time we saw his parents, we put on a show, acting as if everything was rainbows and sunshine. They were none the wiser. They were shocked when we broke up. I assume at some point Grayson told them what happened. Which is fine, they deserved to know the truth. Unfortunately, the truth is what put me in this situation.
They, like me, believe the accident was my fault. When he passed away, we were all devastated. We clung to each other in the hospital that day, but that was the last time they treated me with kindness. I say they, but I’ve never heard a word from his father. It’s only ever been his mother. She believes if we hadn’t broken up he would be alive. She thinks it’s my fault he was hit by a drunk driver because I’m an alcoholic. So, she calls me and yells at my voicemail. All of her hatred and grief aimed at one person. Me.
And ever
y time, I let her words feed my thoughts and guilt. Because yeah, I do think it was my fault.
My mind flashes back to that terrible night almost two months ago.
“What exactly happened?” I ask Grayson’s parents.
His father, Christopher, clears his throat. “He was on his way over to our house for dinner. Some of the streets around our house were flooded from all the rain, so he had to take a different route. We were waiting around forever for him to show up. When we called him, there was no answer. We were panicked about what could have happened to him, and that’s when we got a phone call from the hospital.”
His mother, Sofia, begins to cry, and he tries to comfort her. But, how do you comfort a mother who just lost her only child?
“The police said a drunk driver slammed into Grayson’s car. The driver hit him on the driver’s side. They said he was lucky he didn’t die on impact.” His head falls forward and tears fall from his eyes, hitting the cold hard hospital floor. “The doctor said they did everything they could, but he’s not going to make it.”
I spent the next hour glued to his bedside. I told him how sorry I was for everything that happened between us. I vowed to get help and never forget the time we shared together. I told him over and over how much I loved him until I was blue in the face. The moment the heart monitor flat-lined, I broke. The dam of tears I had been holding back broke through. I don’t know how long I sat there crying until I fell asleep.
I was woken up by a nurse who told me that I had to leave. They needed to move his body, and I was in the way. That started a completely new round of tears. Emily and Bryan walked in the door just as my knees hit the ground. Bryan scooped me into his arms and carried me to their car.
Emily was a godsend. She didn’t leave my side for one minute, but the second she walked out of my apartment because I begged her to leave to get back to her own life, I fell into a black hole. I numbed myself with drugs and alcohol for weeks before I remembered the promise I made to Grayson.
I roughly wipe the tears from my face and attempt to fix my makeup without a mirror, although I know it’s a useless task. I sit in silence listening to the waves crashing onto the shore.
Escaping the Edge Page 7
