by Lazlo Ferran
Inchoate (Short Stories Volume I)
Lazlo Ferran
Copyright © 2010 by Lazlo Ferran
Visit the Lazlo Ferran blog to see what I am currently working on: https://bit.ly/YJZzdi
Visit the Lazlo Ferran blog to see what I am currently working on: https://bit.ly/YJZzdi
Inchoate
Lazlo Ferran
Copyright © 2008 by Lazlo Ferran
All Rights Reserved.
Okay. Fuck it, yes. I was there. I spent enough time in the last few par-weeks denying it and since you have become my confidante, let me admit it now. I was there.
So now the shit had hit the fan and humankind had reached their Check-point Charlie wassisname on their biggest planet, Jupiter I think it's called, a few million years too early and we hadn't been ready for them. So somebody has to pay. And it looks like it will be me. Not sure if really I am guilty but there it is. Soon the trial will be over and the whole damned quadrant, if not the Universe, will know and then I will really be fucked.
But anyway when are they going to change the broken light like I asked? This constant flicking on and off every few seconds in a ten-by-eight seribdenum cell gives me nowhere to hide and already claustrophobic, now I am getting a damned headache.
Ha! Ha! It was so funny on the first day of my defence when I came right out and said it. Said it out LOUD. They were expecting lies and I have to admit, I had spent almost all the time since my arrest thinking of plausible alibis but none would give me as good a chance of getting off as admitting the truth, or most of it. The bit I wouldn't admit was the main reason I did it; that I was bored.
***
"Mr As-qinov, your company records show that on the day in question, 4 August in the year -2.4BE you were indeed assigned to the sector in Northern Texas - on supposedly strictly observational duties."
I had just denied I was anywhere near the area - had in fact gone home one day early on leave as I was not feeling well. The Council for the Prosecution paused, took off his VisGogs and glanced down from his dais with disdain at me before staring knowingly at the Jury. That was the point at which I admitted I was there, d'ye know what I mean?
"Yes Okay. Okay. I was there. I remember now. I have been under stress you know and I thought at first the day you mentioned was actually the day after I left. Okay so I think I know how it must have happened but it was really nothing. I never meant any harm and really with the god-damned -sorry, with the boredom I had to endure, I just made a simple mistake!"
I turned to the audience for the full effect. "You see a Mole's job is to mix in with the natives and observe how far advanced they have become - to fill in the Cryme's Register accordingly and not to interact with the locals any more than strictly necessary. I had been there weeks. WEEKS! And I was sick. Eating tough rancid bison - or whatever those damned things were called - meat every day - bison stew, barbequed bison and bison à la salt every day was really getting me down. And on TOP of that this hairy old whore called - as near as I can make out, Ung-dwid, was all over me d'ye know what I mean? All over me. She stank!
So I was bored and fed up and these hairy dudes were all sitting around late morning after a night's hunting, partying and fucking and I could see trouble brewing. I was scared!
Dug - fa-ah; these damned names, don't they get you? He was the big alpha-male and as dumb as a fish but built like a brick-shit-house. Even I was scared of him and I had a tazer in my hidden pocket. Anyway he was loping around cuffing some of the others - Zuu-gug and the tall one whose name I can't remember and then he just starting beating Zuu-gug with this damned club. Just kind of recreationally it seemed to me. Then his dark beady eyes set on me and I just had to act. I had holiday coming on full-pay 'cos i had done a full year without a break and it’s just not done to cause a fight among the natives, d'ye know what I mean?
So there I am 2.4 Million years before proper civilization on this damned backwater planet, under the searing heat of a pre-historic sun among the conifers, dressed in a stinking, itchy, lice-infested goat-skin and big hairy wig - I haven't washed for nearly a month and suddenly I had this idea. 'Get them distracted' I thought to myself so I decided to confuse them a little bit.
'Umm -unan - shey' I said out loud, sweeping my arms around encompassing all the dudes there - but not the women. That was the phrase that meant, 'Okay let's call a board-meeting. Old Dug - he looked at me curious for a moment and then a kind of smile came across his hairy face and he grunted, grabbed a hunk of meat of some other dude and we all went off to the sacred fire to have this pow-wow.
I had this idea I would give them something to really test their brain-power, you know, might contribute to my own personal research documentation and then I chuckled to myself. They all looked at me and Dug banged his club on the ground. I kind of wished I had my little phrase-pod in my hand then 'cos some of the phrases I needed were tricky but anyway I started formally as you do.
"We need to discuss something very important," I said in a loud voice. They were all looking at me now, all thirty-six of the dudes. Some were picking their noses, or ears, or playing with stones but mostly they were listening. Most of them had been confused by my appearance wearing the tribal icons a few weeks before. With these they had to accept me but they still couldn't figure out where I came from and it made them extra-interested in anything I said.
"We need to consider a mystery. Something that other tribes have considered but they are not like us. They cannot find the answer because they are too stupid." I thought this would really get them on side and it seemed to work. I totally had the floor now. They were mine.
I pointed to a stone on the ground.
"See that stone? It is there. I know it is there because I can see it and I can pick it up."
I demonstrated the veracity of this for the dimmer in the audience by picking it up.
"See the mountain?" I pointed to it. "We know it is there because we can see it and walk to it."
"But now we have a more difficult question. A bigger mystery!"
I looked at Dug - his mouth hanging open with rapt concentration. He noticed I had seen his childlike curiosity, closed his mouth and bit an extra-large chunk of bison from the haunch.
"And the question is, do we exist?" I swept my hand around taking in all the dudes there, d'ye know what I mean?
I waited for effect. There was stunned, dumb silence. I looked at Dug. Nothing going on behind these eyes. Okay I would need to clarify.
"What I mean is, we can touch each other and talk to each other but how do we know that our friends are not just dreams? How do we know, no wait, how do I know that I am not a dream?"
Dug looked quite angry at this point and there were stirrings - some of the guys were starting to get restless and one or two looked like they were thinking of leaving. Then suddenly at the back a quiet dude, later I found out his name was Ung-dun-pwi, stuck his hairy finger in the air.
You could have cut the air with a stone knife. Everybody stopped what they were doing and looked at him. Even Dug stopped mid-bite and cast his beady eyes toward Ung.
"Ermm. You mean; am I awake?" he said using the sounds that meant that.
"Urmmm. Not quite but you are close," I said. I was quite shocked that he was even this close and I was beginning to feel a little queasy. I realized I had unwittingly broken one of the first laws of my profession.
Then a quizzical expression crossed Ung's upturned face and he said in a loud, proud voice, "Am I sitting here, under the Sun?" he said.
"Yes." I said. “That is the question.” This confused them slightly because they thought Ung already had the answer but he looked triumphant. He guffawed to himself and sat looking at me int
ently. He was now my star-pupil and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry for the fun of it.
"So that is the question for you to consider now." I said. "I don't think you will find the answer today but perhaps you will over many meetings, many meetings and maybe even the meetings of your sons."
And with that I quickly left the scene. I didn't really think much more of it, you see," I told the audience. "It was just intended to defuse the situation."
"But it may have been the turning point Mr As-qinov, the point at which Humankind became conscious."
'Fuck it,' I thought and wagged my antenna a little bit to give the impression I was confused. I knew now exactly what I had done and as far as they were concerned, the only thing left to do was sentence me.
So now it is night and here I sit talking to you. And soon they will start to ask a bigger question. If As-qinov went back in time to the earliest civilisation and changed when the dudes will reach the Check-point Charlie thingumyjig, which was built by nobody, knows-who, then who created the consciousness that eventually led to Mr As-qinov? And that's why when they check my cell again in the morning they will find me gone.
***
