"I don’t know what to say."
"You don’t have to answer now."
"But you need an answer."
"True."
"And if I don’t have an answer?"
"There’s no such thing, Sharon. It’s either a yes or a no."
"Why do you need me to be your wife?"
"I don’t have to marry you in the rabbinate, but I can’t share you with another man anymore. It just drives me crazy. I think of you dancing, like you were dancing yesterday, in front of Itay, and I'm just completely eaten up with jealousy."
"You can be sure I don’t dance like that for Itay. He can’t stand that dance."
"So you don’t dance for him, but you do things with him that I don’t want you to do with any other man but me."
On the one hand, I liked the fact that Manny was so jealous. There was something a bit aggressive and very basic in a primal envy like that. On the other hand, I knew that with this kind of jealousy, we couldn't continue in our present form. I knew that I’d have to choose between my family and Manny, and I didn’t know what to choose.
"I can’t accept this ring. I don’t have an answer for you yet."
"The ring is yours regardless of your answer," he replied. "I bought you a ring that doesn’t look like an engagement ring, in the color of your eyes. Even if your answer’s no, you can still wear it."
"You understand… I can’t wear it if we’re not together."
"So let's be together."
"I really want to."
"Well?"
"But it's not that simple."
"It can be very simple."
"It's not." I blew my nose. "I’d ruin my daughters’ lives."
"I know a lot of kids whose parents get divorced and their lives aren’t destroyed."
"And in how many of those cases did the mother leave for another man?"
"I haven’t checked, but I trust you. You’ll know how to help your daughters."
Manny tried to paint getting a divorce from Itay as something simple, but I knew it wouldn’t be simple. I didn’t know if I had the inner strength to make such a move.
I leaned against him. I didn’t want to fight. I didn’t want to be in a situation where I was forced to choose, but once I realized that my affair with Manny was not a fling, I knew that this moment was inevitable.
"I have to decide now?" I purred.
"I never thought I'd get an answer right now. That’s why I waited for the end of the vacation. I didn’t want my question to cast a shadow over our fun." Manny stroked my hair softly. "Did you have fun at all?"
I sat up and looked into his eyes. "Do you even have to ask?"
He smiled.
We sat like that, cradled in each other's arms for another half an hour, until we had to leave for the airport.
When we got to Tel Aviv, Manny walked me to my car and helped me load my bags. I closed the trunk and stood, frozen, in front of him. I knew that from this moment on, it was all going to change. A question had been asked, and I had to give an answer. Any answer I give will harm someone, I thought. And any answer I give will harm me. I so wanted to go back to the reality before the question was asked, back to the time where there was no black cloud hanging over Manny and me.
I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I was afraid it was farewell for good.
Manny smiled a sad smile and suddenly began to sing, almost in a whisper.I disappeared into his big warm embrace and cried. I cried for me, I cried for him, I cried for my daughters and I even cried for Itay.
How had it all gone wrong?
CHAPTER 17
I hummed the heartbreaker song all the way home. I sang and cried, cried and sang. When I got home, I was so soaked with tears and my nose was completely congested, I had to sit in the car and relax for a few minutes.
My eyes dried up eventually, but I couldn’t stop my nose running.
"What? You’ve come back with a cold?" Itay asked me when I got in and put my bags down.
I ran to hug the girls, who were eating dinner. I got up and Itay approached me. He put his arms round me, gave me a warm hug and kissed my cheek. "Just don’t give it to me," he said with a smile. "I’ve missed so many days at work that I can’t afford to take sick leave."
I remembered that I hadn’t, in fact, seen him since he’d returned from reserves duty. I also remembered that at one time, returning from duty, he’d be so eager and excited to see me that even if I’d had the smallpox, he’d kiss me passionately, and before the girls were born, we’d have a rowdy session in the bedroom.
Will the passion with Manny pass too? I asked myself. I figured so. In all couples, the desire waned. Maybe it didn’t die, but the butterflies at the beginning of the relationship ran out at some point. Even with Manny, there were already fewer butterflies and less excitement. At first we’d storm at each other like a pair of beggars who’d found a treasure, and I noticed more and more that the sex had become more gentle and calm, although infinitely more exciting than what I had with Itay, but definitely less heated than it had been in the beginning .
"You can relax," I said, kissing Itay on the mouth. "It's just a little runny nose."
"How was it?"
"It was amazing," I said. I didn’t lie. "You want me to show you what I learned?"
"Later," he answered listlessly. "They're already exhausted," he nodded in the direction of our two angels, who were busy guessing what I’d brought them from Eilat.
"You managed okay?"
"Fine," he replied and smiled. I quickly scanned the house. The house was a mess from top to bottom. Toys and clothes were scattered randomly throughout the house and the sink was loaded with dishes. Even Josephine, our cat, looked more disheveled than usual.
Itay noticed my examination and immediately said, "Shall I clean up while you see to the girls?"
I readily agreed. I didn’t have the patience to sort out his mess, and I wanted to spend some time with my girls.
When the girls had gone to bed and the house was back to looking like a place fit for human habitation, I sat exhausted on the sofa in the living room and tried to catch up. I was interested in Itay’s military duty and the operation he had been involved in. Itay was excited. It had been so different from the Second Lebanon War, two and a half years earlier. This time everything was organized and planned, and there was a sense of accomplishment, not like after the previous war. He was disappointed that the operation ended without Gilad Shalit’s[7] return, however.
I thought of Gilad Shalit and his parents. I was so busy with my lover, who suddenly wanted to marry me, while other people in the country were busy doing something so much bigger. I was ashamed of myself.
Itay was not a talker. I usually talked for the both of us, but when it came to the military and reserve duty, he was able to speak without interruption. Usually I stopped him in the middle because this talk bored me and, more importantly, mademe mad because it reminded me that we belonged to the minority of morons who still responded to the call and went to support the country by doing reserves duty. This time I didn’t interrupt him. At first I listened, but at some point my thoughts just drifted away. I couldn’t stop thinking about the question Manny had asked me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’d gotten an ultimatum. I didn’t like that. Manny knew from the beginning that I was not a single woman. He knew I had small children at home, and dismantling the family package at this point in my life was not a simple thing.
On the other hand, neither of us had entered into this thinking it would turn into so great a love story. I couldn’t control my emotions.
Itay fell silent and began to stare at the TV screen. Perhaps he’d noticed that I wasn’t listening. Maybe he’d finished. I patted his arm. He had lean, muscular hands in stark contrast to Manny’s fat, large hands.
"I'm proud of you," I said with sincerity. Despite all the bitterness I harbored toward the system, I was proud of him and that he didn’t shirk his duty.
; Itay smiled. I was sure he loved what I said because I didn’t say it much.
"How was it for you while I was away?"
"It was okay. Since Ahuva came, it’s been a lot easier. It's not like your previous call-ups when I was all alone."
"I meant, how was the festival?"
"Oh." I stretched in my seat. I had to lie, and I was uncomfortable. "It was excellent… I learned a lot."
"Great."
"Want to see?”
"You're not tired?"
"A little."
"Another time then… It’s probably just as well not to disturb the girls with the music."
Manny was so fascinated by my dancing, and Itay didn’t really want to see it. I couldn’t stop comparing the two men.
"I'm tired." I got up from the couch. "Are you coming to bed?"
"Yes."
We went to bed, and for the first time since my affair with Manny had begun, I tried to initiate sex with Itay.
Itay lay with his eyes closed. "Sharon… another time," he said sleepily.
"You haven’t seen me in two weeks… Didn’t you miss me?"
"I really missed you, but I'm also dead tired," he said, turning over toward the other side of the bed.
If I wasn’t already accustomed to this conversation, I might have thought he’d guessed something. I wasn’t disappointed. Actually, I didn’t want to sleep with him. I wanted to test him. I wanted to check out what was left of our relationship.
There wasn’t much.
Since returning home, I couldn’t stop comparing Itay to Manny. Itay just lost on all accounts.
Emotionally, it was clear that choosing Manny was simply the most natural choice, but in rational terms, the choice was far from simple. I was overtired and couldn’t fall asleep. I was confused and emotionally drained.
I lay awake until four in the morning or so. My thoughts wouldn’t let me rest. Eventually I fell asleep, and when I woke up I knew one thing: to make a decision in a rational way, I’d have to say goodbye to Manny, at least for the time being. As long as I kept on seeing him, I just wouldn’t be able to reach a rational decision.
I was exhausted. Itay dropped the girls off at school and kindergarten, and I stayed in bed. I told Itay that it seemed I really was sick. I called the office and said I’d come in late and that I’d only be in for the afternoon.
At nine-thirty, I crawled out of bed and went to the kitchen to make coffee and read the paper. Life went on, and I was stuck in this mess I’d put myself in. I flipped through the newspaper without reading anything. There was nothing about me in the paper. Apparently, Manny's proposal didn’t interest anyone but me.
Eventually I called Manny.
"Good morning, my beautiful," he said, his voice warm, and I felt as if I was melting. How the hell can I make sane decisions feeling like this? I thought.
"How did you sleep without me?"
"It was hard, but you managed to exhaust me," he said. Then he laughed.
"I hardly slept a minute the entire night. I pretty much just woke up now."
"Why?"
"I couldn’t stop thinking."
"About what?"
"What you asked me."
"Really?"
"I have no answer for you yet," I said right away, and he was silent.
"I didn’t expect an answer yet," he said finally.
"But one thing, I did decide."
"What?"
"I don’t want to talk about it over the phone."
"Then come over. I don’t need to go in till this afternoon."
"Me too."
"Well then, come... I miss you."
I didn’t want to go to his home. I knew that I couldn’t leave him in his house. To be honest, I didn’t know how I could break up with him face to face at all, but I thought he deserved more than a phone call.
"I must be in the office at twelve, even before that. It would be better to meet outside."
We decided on a small and intimate café not far from my house. I arrived about fifteen minutes before him and ordered a Greek salad.
I dug my fork into the salad I’d ordered. I couldn’t eat anything. Once Manny came in, my eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t help it.
"My Sharry," Manny said as he came up to me. He hugged me and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "What happened?"
I sat down. I didn’t want us to be noticed. Manny sat down opposite me and held my hand, completely ignoring the fact that we were in a public place.
I pressed my hand in his, trying to feel him for the last time. Then I pulled my hand away.
Manny looked at me sadly. I didn’t know if he was sad because I was sad, or because I’d pulled my hand away from his. Probably both.
I continued to fiddle with the salad, searching for the right words to say. Manny gave me a paper napkin.
"Blow your nose," he said paternally.
I blew my nose and the waitress came up to us.
"Do you want to order something?"
"Do you have an egg salad sandwich?"
"Yes." She wrote it in her notebook, careful not to look at me directly. I tried to remember if she had ever seen me here with Itay.
"What did you want to say?" Manny asked as the waitress walked away.
"Let's eat first."
I knew what I had to say to Manny would destroy his appetite. I wanted him to eat something.
After the waitress brought us the bill, I realized that I had no choice. I must say what was in my heart right then, or I’d never be able to say it.
"I think we should break up. At least temporarily," I said at the same time Manny signed the credit card bill.
"Are you kidding me?" I heard the panic in his voice.
"No," I said sadly.
"But why?" he said in a choked voice. Tears wet my cheeks again.
"Because I can’t make a decision about this when you're with me."
"Don’t worry. I don’t mean to put any pressure on you."
"That’s not true."
"Why not?"
"Because at some point you will pressure me, and I’ll be forced to give you an answer. It's the least I can do for you, to be fair to you and to me, because as long as I meet with you every day or two, I won’t be able to make the right decision for me and my family."
Manny was silent for a long time.
"Manny."
"What?"
"Don’t be angry."
"How can I be angry with you?"
"You can."
"I love you," he said, and I heard his voice choked with tears.
"I love you too. That's why I’m doing this. You don’t deserve to be played around with. If I come back to you, you’ll know it’s for good."
"I know."
We were silent again. We were silent more than we talked. Silence said it all.
"I want to return your ring," I said, opening my bag.
"I told you, it’s yours."
"I can’t… It’s too expensive."
"It’s nothing compared to what I want to give you. I won’t take it back, Sharon. Do with it what you want, just don’t give it back to me."
We were quiet for a little longer. Every word had to be digested slowly.
"I have to go," I said finally and got up. Manny stood up after me and hugged me. Over Manny's shoulder, I saw the waitress watching us. She was curious, and I was sorry we’d left her such a big tip.
Manny sat back down, and I went outside. Just before I left, I turned and saw that he was sitting with his head cupped in his hands. I was heartbroken. I thought again of that song, “Deliberate Tone” and Manny's voice singing the words, "You little heartbreaker," in my head constantly.
Going to work that day was an almost impossible task. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Fortunately, my coworkers were too eager to hear about the belly dancing festival, because after they’d all attended so many professional conferences, this festival, without a doubt, provided a lot of comic relief.
L
uckily I had attended a few classes, otherwise I would have had to lie more than I already had.
The next day I was more myself. I decided that I’d dive into work for a few days so my heart would forget Manny. I wanted to make the decision about the rest of my life with a minimum of emotion and a maximum of logical reasoning.
To his credit, my boss always sensed my productivity. In periods when I was less free, he would give me fewer cases to work on, and when he saw I was in working mode, he would give me almost no time to breathe at work. Once again, he realized immediately, and within two days, I had no time to even eat lunch.
Ahuva helped me greatly. I remembered that just a few months ago, all of the burden would have fallen on me. Even though I’d always come home late at least twice a week, arranging childcare for those days was always something I’d done, as if I was a single parent. Itay never knew who was watching over them or when. I also managed Ahuva’s hours and responsibilities. Itay didn’t even know how much I paid her.
These thoughts reminded me of why I’d looked for a lover in the first place… I felt part of a married couple, yet so alone.
But there were also other thoughts.
On the handful of nights that Itay came home while the girls were still awake, they would jump and fawn over him. Despite all my love for Manny, he'd never be their father. Maybe they would like him. Maybe they’d really hate him. I couldn’t know in advance. If they wouldn’t tolerate him, then not only would I screw up my family unit, but also my relationship with Manny.
I also cared about what the people around me would say about such a step. No matter how much Itay had neglected me before I betrayed him, I'd still end up looking like the bad guy. I would be the one to blame for ripping the family apart.
What would Zehava, my mother-in-law, say about me? I really liked her. If I betrayed her son, she’d never speak to me again.
My mother never held back on ‘constructive’ criticism, even over trivial matters. If I left Itay, she’d drive me crazy with her moral preaching.
I thought of my brothers. I could already imagine my conversations with my older brother, Oded, and his wife, Orit. She wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to diss my life and prove what she’d been thinking about me for years - that I was a selfish woman who thought only of herself and didn’t understand her role as a parent. I was really afraid of how my younger brother, Tomer, would react. He always thought like me and didn’t make a fuss like our mother… but he was also a very religious person. How would he react to an adulteress for a sister?
Confession of an Abandoned Wife - Box Set (Books 1-3) Page 14
