Up until then, no one had any idea I was going to break up with Itay, and certainly no one would have guessed before that day that I had a lover. A significant proportion of my coworkers knew Itay from work social events, and I'm sure almost everyone thought we were the perfect couple. The truth was, we once were such a pair, but for years now, it had been just a pretense, and, in my opinion, not a particularly successful one.
When gossip was good, it flew really fast. In the afternoon, after the winds around me had relaxed a bit and I was able to focus on some work, my phone rang. It was Inbal, who had worked with me in my office a few years ago and had told me about a year ago that her husband had ‘almost betrayed’ her.
"Is it true?" she asked, a little breathless, as though she’d called me the very second some gossip had told her my news.
"What?" I tried to play it cool.
"Oh, Sharon, don't play with me."
"Yes, it’s true."
"Wow, how come you didn’t tell me something like this?"
"Tell you what?" This time I wasn’t playing. I didn't know if she was speaking of the infidelity or the divorce.
"Tell me, are you trying to drive me crazy?" She sighed. "I need to hear from Ilana that you’re getting divorced?" Now, at least, I knew who the gossip was.
"Believe me, this is new for me too. We don’t even have a divorce agreement yet."
"So it's not final?"
"It's more final than final."
"So you must have known about it for some time.”
"I really didn’t."
"So you just wake up one day and get a divorce?"
"It didn't happen in a moment."
"Well, that's what I'm talking about. How come you didn’t tell me you were brewing thoughts like that?"
"It's not so easy… It's also a little embarrassing.”
"I’ve told you plenty of embarrassing things." She was right. I remembered what she’d told me about her and Yaron.
"I'm sorry, it’s not that easy to just come out with, ‘I have a lover.’"
"So it's true!" She almost screamed, and I realized that the rumor mill had expanded beyond the story of the divorce itself.
"Yes, it’s true," I said coyly.
"You shock me. Does Itay know? What about the girls?"
"Itay knows. The girls just know we’re separating. They don't even know that their mother has a boyfriend.”
"You’re just amazing! What courage…"
"Are you trying to insinuate something?" I smiled. Perhaps all of us have lovers, but only I dared to carry it a step further.
"I wish.”
"What do you mean, ‘I wish’? I thought you and Yaron have fun with role-playing games.”
"We had fun in the past tense.”
"What do you mean?"
"Just... you get tired of everything in the end. In the end, you’ll tire of your lover too." I wasn’t sure if she was wishing it upon me or simply stating a fact.
"Maybe."
"Then why are you getting divorced?"
"Because I'm tired of living alone. Itay’s constantly at work and I feel neglected."
"So you went to look for a lover?"
“More or less." I smiled.
"Do you remember about a year ago, when I told you about Yaron and a 'client' of his?"
"Yes.”
"Were you already betraying Itay then?"
“Not yet. I was looking around, and I had a flirtation online, but I wasn’t yet with anyone else.”
"And Itay didn't suspect?"
"If I hadn’t told Itay, he would never have guessed - ever.”
"Because you were so cautious?”
"No.”
"Then why?”
"Because Itay’s so busy with his job that he just wouldn’t have a clue.”
"Then why didn't you just go on as you were?”
"Go on how?”
"Living the easy life with the family and having an exciting affair on the side.”
"Because the ‘exciting affair’ wanted to become my family.”
"You're not serious.”
"Why not?”
“You’re going to marry your lover?”
"Why not?"
"His wife has nothing to say about it?”
"No, she doesn’t. Not for over a year now.”
"Why?"
"Because she died.”
"Oh!" she exclaimed in surprise.
"She was sick.”
"How old is he?”
"Fifty.”
"Just a kid." she grinned.
"I like them young," I laughed.
"And what does he do?”
"He’s a doctor.”
"And how did you two meet?”
"He’s my doctor.”
"Listen, your life’s just like a soap opera!”
"Don’t make too much of it. I'm not the first to get divorced, and I won’t be the last.”
"But for a lover?"
"You’re so naive, Inbal. You have no idea how many people betray their spouse," I said, and immediately regretted it because I recalled that Yaron almost cheated on her.
"Actually, I do," she said sadly.
"Has something happened?" I asked anxiously.
"No."
“Really? Everything’s okay with you and Yaron?"
"Yes… the usual boredom," she sighed. Maybe something had happened that I didn’t know about, but I preferred not to pry.
"What about the girls?" she asked after a pause. "When did you tell them? How did they react?"
"We told them yesterday, so it’s only today that I’ve told anyone else. I thought they should hear it only from me.”
"Right… so how did they react?”
"Okay, I guess. They’re still small.”
"Shira’s not so small.”
"True… You want to hear something? Yesterday, she told me that, in her opinion, nothing will change because she doesn’t see her dad all week anyway.”
"Smart girl," Inbal laughed.
"I hope we’ll all get through it peacefully.”
"Me, too.”
We agreed to meet sometime, and hung up.
I looked at the time. It was almost seven o'clock, and I hadn’t gotten much of anything done. I realized that, in the near future, I’d have to go through this conversation over and over. People were curious and I owed at least some of them an explanation.
CHAPTER 29
If there’s something I can live without in the context of family, it’s family meals, especially holiday family meals. And of all the family holiday meals, the meal I hate the most is the Passover feast.
In religious families, the suffering is twofold: apart from the feverish preparations that take place in almost every home in Israel, religious houses have both a cleaning fever and a complete hysteria around the cooking and the replacement of the dishes. For my mom, it’s like a military operation. Nothing less.
Was it any wonder I hate Passover?
When I was a child, they forced me to polish every corner of the house (my brothers, by the way, were often exempt because of their sex) and to participate in the tedious task of getting out all the cooking, serving and eating dishes to meet the special requirements of the Passover food.
Today, now that I’m grown and married, every year I have to endure the looks of suffering from my mother and Orit, my sister-in-law, because I wouldn’t help prepare the tedious dinner. How many times had I told them I’d pay for a caterer and they should leave me alone?
I had, however, introduced one useful thing into this crazy house: for several years now, we’d used disposable dishes and utensils on Passover night. My apologies to environmental groups, but washing dishes at one, or even two in the morning, after we’d read and sang all the Haggadah, is not for me.
In short, Passover was one of my least favorite nights of the year and, to my horror, I realized that now that I’d left Itay, there was no respite from it. Every other year, we would have gon
e to Zehava’s less religious house, but along with the divorce from her son, I also divorced the shorter Passover feasts of the Moskowitz family.
On Passover of that year, I went to my parents’ with Shira and Yarden for the family meal, my first as a ‘separated’ woman. We’d got as far as signing the divorce agreement and confirming it in court just before the holiday, but I still hadn’t gotten my divorce approval from the rabbinical court.
The truth was, I kind of ruined everyone’s plans because my mother originally wanted to invite Itay’s parents over for Passover, but now it was no longer appropriate. Itay, who absolutely loved Passover, especially at my parents’, was spending a quiet, ordinary evening with his parents. Oh, how I envied him!
Although everyone knew that I was getting divorced from Itay and all the adults also knew why, since everything was so new, there hadn’t been time to really talk about it, or rather, to get everyone’s opinion out in the open. They were all eager to know all the details and, of course, to lecture me. Everyone, of course, was very worried about Shira and Yarden and their delicate souls, and how their monstrous mother had destroyed their lives in exchange for a cheap romance.
Shira and Yarden were not destroyed. Exactly two weeks had passed since we’d told them that we were separating and, in their opinion, things had only become better. Immediately after the dramatic announcement, Itay took them on that amazing weekend in the north. The following Tuesday, and despite all the days Itay missed from work because of our separation, he picked up the girls exactly on time from school and kindergarten, something I don't ever remember him doing before. The following Saturday, the girls were supposed to be with me, but Itay found a nice apartment in Ramat Gan and knew he’d be busy all Passover preparing the apartment and moving in, so I gave him the Saturday with the girls, which I used fully… being erotically pleasured by Manny and his creative ideas.
I was a little sorry that, during the Passover vacation, the girls would be with me the entire time. Not that I didn’t enjoy being with my girls, but I felt it was still too early to introduce them to Manny, so an entire Passover vacation, during which Itay was moving into his new apartment, meant that my meetings with Manny were extremely limited.
Throughout the entire holiday meal, I couldn’t help but notice the looks of arrogance and blame on my mother’s face. Orit’s too. In reality, I didn't expect anything different from them. The disappointed looks of Tomer and Sagit hurt me more. When the kids were running around us, it was difficult to talk, and I didn't know what bothered them more: that I’d committed a crime against the Ten Commandments (‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’) or the fact that I broke my family apart.
At eleven-thirty, Shira and Yarden were spent. The first part of the Haggadah and dinner were behind us. My mother, Orit and Sagit were busy putting the leftovers in the fridge.
"I think I'm going to head home," I said.
"There’s another half of the Haggadah left," my mother reminded me.
"I know," I said. "And I'd love to stay," I lied, "but Shira’s tired and Yarden’s asleep."
"So they can sleep here," my mother replied.
"Where?" I asked. The house was crowded with grandchildren.
"We’re staying at the neighbors’ place – the ones who went to Eilat for Passover," Sagit explained.
"It’s still very crowded, and I didn't bring any nightclothes for them."
"Tzofit will be happy to share with Shira." Tzofit, Tomer's and Sagit’s eldest daughter, was ten months older than Shira, and they were good friends. "I'm sure she could lend her a nightgown."
"I don't know…" I twisted my lips. I didn't like staying over at my parents’.
"Leave her alone." Orit wiped her hands on a towel and came up to me. "Maybe Sharon’s hurrying home." She patted my shoulder and winked significantly. I flinched. I was sick of all the ugly insinuations.
"I'm not rushing anywhere," I said angrily. "Do you think I'd let Manny sleep over at my place already?"
"Who’s Manny?" Sagit asked innocently.
"Manny is Sharon's lover," Orit explained in a judgmental tone.
"Ah." Sagit looked down.
"I don't know." Orit went back to my rhetorical question. "If you left your husband for him, then it's impossible to know."
"Orit," I replied angrily, "don't lecture me. You have no idea what I’m going through." I was angry with my mother, who hadn't filled Orit in. Who was she to criticize, anyway?
"Orit, there’s no need for that." My mother stepped in at last and then turned to me. "Orit’s not mad at you because you have a lover, but because of what you’re doing to Shira and Yarden. She's just worried about her nieces."
"I suggest everyone worry about themselves," I replied. "Now I really don't want to stay.”
I went back to the dining room and found Yarden already asleep. It would be difficult to get two sleeping girls home on my own, so I helped Oded put Yarden to sleep along with Einav, Oded and Orit’s third daughter.
Shira and Tzofit started pleading, so finally I gave in and agreed that Shira could sleep with Tzofit.
Eventually, Passover ended at twelve-thirty at night, and that's only because everyone was already completely exhausted and ‘fast forwarded’ through the last song. My mother suggested I sleep in the living room, but I didn't want to sleep there without a speck of privacy, so I decided I’d go home. I texted Manny on the way that I was returning home alone, and I needed emotional support. Ten minutes after I got home, he knocked on the door, equipped with a toothbrush and a change of clothes.
Itay had always been my refuge when I was fighting with my mother and vice versa - when I was fighting with Itay, I always wanted to be comforted by my mother. Now, for the first time in my life, my mother and Itay were both angry at me and for the same reason. Now and my refuge was Manny. I thought to myself, what will I do if I fight with Manny? Who will I run to? After all, my mother would be happy if I quarreled with him.
Manny was certainly a great comfort. He also managed to calm me down and was able to explain their side of it, even though he didn't know anyone in my family except my mother, who’d been to the clinic once or twice. I needed to understand my family's shock. They were all religious people, some more, Tomer and Sagit, some less, Oded and Orit. They weren’t used to divorce and certainly not infidelity. For them, this showed disrespect for their lifestyle, not only because the Bible forbade it, but because they lived in a community that would disapprove and they’d have to bear the looks and whispers.
I got up in the morning more powerful and softer. I went to my parents’, hoping that after a good night's sleep, it would be easier to confront my family.
I was wrong.
They ambushed me.
I arrived a few minutes before my father and my brothers returned from the synagogue. Orit managed to apologize for possibly speaking out of place, but I felt the apology was insincere and was imposed on her by Oded.
We sat down to breakfast and after we finished, all the kids went to play together in the playroom, and I had to sit with my parents, my brothers and their wives, and try to explain myself.
Oded apologized again on behalf of Orit for the way she’d spoken to me last night. She, of course, rolled her eyes as he spoke. After the apology, he explained that Orit had no bad intention and she was just worried, like he was, of the consequences of my actions on Shira and Yarden. As he moved from the apology to the blame, Orit stopped rolling her eyes and started nodding her head rhythmically. I wanted to slap her face. How did she dare to judge me or the way I raised my daughters?
I was really tempted, but I held back. I mademyself a speech in my head, and I knew it was time to say what I had to say, and it should be said in the most relaxed and comfortable manner possible.
"Oded." I smiled at my older brother. "I really, really, really thank you for your concern for my daughters." I placed my hand on my chest to lend sincerity to what I said. "But it’s very insulting to me that all of you
here think I don't know what's good for my children."
"A divorce really -" Orit tried to get a word in, but Oded cut her off and let me speak.
"Yes, Orit." I decided to continue with what she had started saying. "Divorce can sometimes be the best thing for children when their father and mother don't get along. I very much believe in the saying that, if a parent’s happy, the child’s happy too."
"And I think what’s best for a child is to live with both parents," Orit managed to get in.
"When both parents live happily together, yes, I agree with you.”
"I always thought you and Itay were great together," My father interjected into the discussion.
"Not for some years. You can ask Mom… She knows it's been bad with Itay for a very long time.”
My mother wrinkled her nose. She didn't want to be my advocate. "I didn't know it was all that bad, but it's true. Itay wasn't a supportive spouse to Sharon for a very long time."
Orit rolled her eyes again. She couldn’t keep quiet. "But we all know that you left Itay, not because he wasn’t a supportive spouse, but because you found someone new."
This time I rolled my eyes. "Did it occur to you that maybe I didn’t find someone new? Maybe I was looking for someone new?"
Tomer looked at me in astonishment. He and Sagit were silent the entire time, but I knew the whole time that what most concerned them was the fact that I had betrayed my husband, going against one of the Ten Commandments.
"What’s the matter with you?" my mother asked. "What happened to the education we gave you?"
"Mom, let’s, for one moment, forget about my education. Not everything has to do with education. I was looking because things were bad for me, and I’m lucky. I found someone I feel good with.”
Everyone was quiet, and I continued. "I have a question: Are you angry at me because I'm getting divorced? Because I’m not the first woman to get divorced, and I definitely won’t be the last one in history. Or is it because I’m leaving Itay for another man?”
Confession of an Abandoned Wife - Box Set (Books 1-3) Page 23
