by Carys Jones
Lifting her gaze, Amanda saw the framed picture on her bedside table. It was in a shell-covered frame. Each one had been collected by Amanda along the beach and carefully glued in place. Picking up the frame, Amanda stared at the people in the image. She was looking at her younger self, smiling and carefree. Her golden hair, unruly even back then, was dancing in the wind and her cheeks were speckled with freckles. Beside her was her dad, his arm hugged around her slim shoulders. They were both smiling and beyond them lay the infinite ocean. The picture had been taken in the back garden of their little house, one week before Amanda had almost gone tumbling into the waves. Snapping her eyes shut, Amanda banished the memory and placed the picture back down. She’d come to her mother’s house to heal, not to rip open old wounds.
*
‘So, has there been any news?’ Corrine asked as she dolloped baked beans on to pieces of toast. It was lunchtime and Amanda was sat at the kitchen table, warmed by the sunlight which came in through the double doors which her mother had thrown open. She could hear the gentle lapping of the waves close by and the occasional cry of a seagull.
‘I called Shane,’ Amanda stated as her mother handed her a plate of beans on toast.
‘Oh?’ Corrine quickly bustled down into her own seat, raising her knife and fork but ignoring her lunch.
‘He, um, came round last night to ask questions.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like could Will have had another family stashed away somewhere?’ Amanda stared directly at her mother, goading her to say something against her absent husband. But instead Corrine nodded sadly to herself and looked down at her dinner.
‘That’s quite something to say,’ she sighed. ‘It would have broken your father’s heart to hear such talk.’
‘I know,’ Amanda agreed, her chest tightening as though her own heart were slowly breaking.
‘He always believed wholeheartedly in the sanctity of marriage,’ Corrine continued. ‘Since the day we said our vows to one another he was always telling me how much he meant it, that we were bound together forever.’
Amanda reached across the table and grabbed her mother’s hand as Corrine blinked away tears. She was wearing a bright green sarong and long emerald earrings. With the light pouring in behind her she looked like some sort of grand peacock.
‘Dad was a man of his word. He’d never have just up and left you,’ Amanda scowled at her dinner.
She’d thought that Will was like her Dad; a man of honour. A real-life hero. But instead he’d left her dangling when her dad would have risked anything to save her, even his own life.
‘He’d be furious at Will, that’s for sure,’ Corrine clucked, briskly shaking her head. ‘But he’d never believe that he had some other family.’
‘Then what is it?’ Amanda pleaded. ‘Why has he left me like this?’
Corrine sighed and dusted her hair out of her eyes. Her curls were tightly coiled together as her hair was still damp.
‘Your dad wouldn’t have believed it,’ she began carefully, ‘because he always saw the good in people. Me, I was always the bad cop in our scenario.’
‘What are you saying?’ Amanda’s nostrils flared. ‘Do you think Will has left me for some family he’s kept secret for years?’
‘Maybe,’ Corrine pursed her lips. ‘Stranger things have happened.’
‘We’re married,’ Amanda raged. ‘How could he have an entire family that I don’t know about?’
‘I always said it was suspicious that none of his relatives came to your wedding.’
Amanda rolled her eyes. She was in no mood to listen to the broken record that was her mother’s conspiracy theories about her wedding day.
‘It was too far for them to travel and his mother was sick,’ she snapped bitterly. ‘We’ve been through this.’
‘But have you even met them?’ Corrine asked with a tilt of her head.
A silence stretched between them and Amanda realized she’d taken too long to answer the question. She wiped at her eyes and focused on her lunch.
‘You’ve not, have you?’ Corrine answered for her.
‘No, I’ve not,’ Amanda slammed down her cutlery. ‘Are you happy now?’
‘When you met Will you were so bowled over by him that you didn’t stop to ask questions. You just went with your heart.’
‘And what’s wrong with that?’
‘I just let you get on with it, it was just so nice to see you happy again.’
‘Mum, you were forever sniping at him, moaning about his aloofness!’
‘And clearly with good reason,’ Corrine raised her eyebrows.
‘Mum, he’s missing. No one knows why, not even the police.’
‘Not even you.’
‘What does that mean?’ Amanda’s voice thundered throughout the kitchen, managing to drown out the distant roar of the waves and call of the gulls.
‘It means that you married a stranger.’
‘What?’ Amanda hissed. She could feel her cheeks getting hot, could feel the pressure of gathering tears behind her eyes. Will wasn’t a stranger. He was the oak tree of a man she’d fallen in love with. He was the man who’d mended the fence when it blew down, the man who held her all through the night when she got flu last winter. He was her husband.
‘Does he know everything about you?’ Corrine challenged. ‘Does he know about Shane?’
Amanda had to force down the food she’d been chewing. Suddenly everything tasted bitter.
‘No,’ she admitted at length. ‘I mean, he knows that we dated. Sort of. He doesn’t know the depths of it. I felt like he didn’t need to know.’
‘There you go,’ Corrine spread her hands across the table, palms turned up to the ceiling. ‘You had your secrets and it certainly looks like he had his.’
‘He doesn’t have a secret family, Mum,’ Amanda raged. ‘Whatever has happened to him, wherever he is, it isn’t that.’
‘Why did you want to come and stay here?’ Corrine’s voice was soft, kind. Her tone lacked its usual layer of judgement.
‘Am I not welcome now?’ Amanda challenged hotly.
‘You are always welcome, you know that. This will always be your home.’
‘So what’s your point?’
‘I think you came to stay here because you don’t think Will is coming back,’ Corrine stared at her daughter for a beat and then dropped her gaze to her half-eaten lunch.
Amanda opened her mouth but no words tumbled out in her absent husband’s defence. What if her mother was right? What if she’d already given up hope that Will was coming back?
8
‘Amanda.’
There was salt on her lips and the roar of the waves in her ears.
‘Amanda.’
The ground beneath her buckled uneasily, sending loose stones skittering down into the swirling depths below. Everything spun on an invisible axis. The sky became the ground as she started to tumble, to veer over the edge.
‘Amanda,’ something roughly shook her shoulders. Amanda blinked her eyes open and suspiciously peered around the room she had once called her own. The air felt warm and heavy and dust danced in the thick thread of sunlight which pressed in through the window. Sitting up, Amanda rubbed at her eyes and looked at the diamonds upon the floor, cast by the pattern of the window. Growing up, she’d always loved those diamonds, how when the sun shone they appeared on walls and floorboards making the entire house feel gothic and magical.
‘You were fast asleep,’ Corrine’s voice was soft, apologetic. She was sat on the edge of the bed, one hand still resting on Amanda’s shoulder. ‘I didn’t mean to wake you but you have a visitor.’
‘What? Who?’ the questions tumbled from her lips like a knee jerk response. Who would even know to find her here, at the little house on the shoreline with the rose trellised garden?
Could it be?
‘Is he here?’ Amanda felt light-headed as she imagined her husband waiting patiently downstairs. She’d hurry
down to him, her footsteps full of pent-up anger, but the moment she saw him and looked into his kind, soulful eyes, her rage would instantly burn away to relief. She’d run to him, let him open up his arms so that she could once again nestle in the safety of his embrace.
‘Shane has stopped by,’ Corrine must have seen the hope ignite in Amanda’s eyes. Her words were brutally swift in extinguishing it. Amanda felt as deflated as a child finally learning the truth about who left the presents underneath the Christmas tree.
‘Shane?’
‘He wanted to check in on you. When you weren’t at home he figured you were here.’ There was something in Corrine’s tone which annoyed Amanda, like she was holding something back. In different circumstances she’d probably gush about how well Shane knew her, about how he still understood her in a way no one else could. The unspoken words grated against Amanda as she hauled herself out of bed. Her clothes were crumpled around her but she didn’t care. ‘I’ll leave you to talk,’ Corrine left behind a cloud of Estee Lauder perfume as she headed towards her bedroom.
Amanda sighed. The floorboards creaked, loudly announcing her presence as she went downstairs to find Shane sat at the weathered oak table in the small kitchen, nursing a cup of tea. He looked comical in his smart suit clutching a bone-china cup and saucer decorated in ornate ruby red roses. Amanda was surprised to find herself suppressing a smile.
‘Hey,’ Shane’s expression changed from thoughtful to pleased when he saw her. His green eyes glimmered in the late afternoon sunlight.
‘My mum said you were here,’ Amanda slid into the vacant chair opposite him.
‘I thought I’d swing by, see how you were doing. I went by your place first.’
‘Yeah, she said.’
It was a good twenty minutes by car between Amanda’s home and her mother’s, even longer if the traffic was bad. Tremwell Bay was full of twisting, narrow roads which made travel through the town slow-going.
‘We’ve not really heard anything about your husband that can lead us to his whereabouts.’
‘Right,’ Amanda’s stomach knotted in on itself. With each passing day she felt as though she moved further and further away from a joyful reunion with Will.
‘But our investigation has revealed some interesting discoveries. He took out some money at a local service station,’ Shane reached for his moleskin notebook and began relaying his notes to Amanda.
‘How much?’
‘Almost a thousand pounds. He hit up a couple of cash points.’
Amanda tightly clenched her hands together. Her knuckles whitened. Will had always insisted on separate bank accounts citing their need for independence. Amanda had thought him liberal and forward thinking. Respectful even since she earned more than he did. Now she started to worry about his true motives for keeping their finances separate.
‘It was taken out the morning you reported that he initially went missing.’
‘And his van?’
‘It was abandoned at the service station. I’ve got one of my officers heading out to the car depot to retrieve it as we speak.’
‘He abandoned his van?’ Amanda could hear the wail in her own voice. Why would he leave his van? He loved his van. Except for the gears.
‘Stupid stick shift,’ he’d grunt as the car spluttered beneath him, the clutch groaning angrily.
‘Did Will owe money to anyone?’ Shane tapped his pen against the open page in his notebook as he spoke. Amanda could imagine all the theories he’d hastily written down in his tight scrawl.
‘Not that I know of,’ her voice sounded cold, detached.
‘We’re still treating this as a missing persons case,’ Shane insisted.
‘Why wouldn’t you?’ Amanda demanded tersely. ‘My husband is still missing.’
‘Yes.’ Clearing his throat, Shane reached for his tie and loosened it slightly. ‘But eye witnesses at the service station remember your husband being alone. He showed no signs of stress, or a struggle.’
‘That doesn’t mean anything,’ Amanda unclasped her hands to smack them against the table. The wood shook fearfully at the impact. ‘Just because someone wasn’t shoving him up against the cash point and threatening him doesn’t mean that he’s not in danger,’ she raged. ‘Someone must have forced him to take that money out, to leave his van.’
‘Or he just didn’t want us to trace him. He ditched his bank cards in favour of relying on cash.’
Amanda stared at Shane, feeling as though he’d just kicked her in the chest, knocking the air out of her lungs. She gasped as she tried to compose herself.
‘Look, Amanda, we don’t know anything for certain yet,’ he was reaching across the table, trying to bridge the gap between them, but he’d need more than his slender fingers to create an olive branch. Amanda jumped up, pushing her chair out. It scraped noisily against the terracotta tiles on the kitchen floor.
‘My husband is missing,’ her chest heaved as she said the words. Hot, salty tears began to trace their way down her reddened cheeks. ‘I have to find him.’
‘Let’s look at the facts,’ Shane remained sitting, peering up at her with hooded eyes, which told of the sleepless nights he’d recently suffered through. He began listing each fact on his fingers, his voice level as though they were back on the beach drunk on cider and sunshine debating who would win in a fight; Wolverine or Superman.
‘His phone has been disconnected; he’s withdrawn a chunk of money and abandoned his van. These often signify someone who wants to disappear.’
‘That all means nothing,’ Amanda snapped. ‘It’s just circumstantial evidence, or whatever the hell you call it.’
‘Like I said, in previous cases that followed a similar pattern, the missing person in question usually didn’t want to be found.’
‘What do you know?’ Amanda hated herself for crying, for falling apart whilst Shane was remaining so annoyingly together. It felt too much like all their old arguments. She wiped her palms against her cheeks and tried to steady her breathing. ‘You don’t even work on missing persons; it’s not your department.’
‘You’re right, I don’t,’ Shane agreed. He was standing up now, smoothing down his jacket. ‘I work in homicide, which is where I often see people who have been abducted. My professional opinion, for what it’s worth, is that your husband hasn’t been abducted.’
‘Will, his name is Will.’
‘I promise you that if your husband wants to be found then I’ll find him.’
Amanda sniffed as a few more tears silently bled down her cheeks. There was a time when she held a promise from Shane in the highest regard. Back then, if he’d made a promise, he’d never break it. But in recent years she’d lost count of all the promises that existed between them which had now been shattered into a thousand regret-filled pieces.
They’d promised each other forever.
Amanda refused to let herself think of that night on the beach beside a bonfire when Shane had knelt down in the sand and told her that nothing could ever come between them, that they would forever be two hearts beating as one.
‘You just need to stay strong,’ Shane was staring at her from across the other side of the kitchen. He was lingering in the doorway as though he were unsure if he should leave. Or perhaps he was caught in a web of all their tangled memories as she was. Amanda swept her gaze around the small room. How many times had she and Shane stood against the oak table and kissed? How many times had he cupped her face in his hands and stared deep into her eyes as though their blue were as vast and infinite as the ocean? Amanda drew her fingers through her hair and swept away her memories of what had once been. She needed to focus on the present, on the man who was missing from her life. The one she could still bring home.
‘Bring him back to me,’ Amanda pleaded. Her fingertips spun the golden band which was a permanent reminder of her promise to Will. A promise she wasn’t prepared to break.
‘I’ll do everything I can,’ Shane nodded briskly and shoved
his hands deep into his jacket pockets.
‘I just want him back,’ Amanda stated tearfully. ‘I just want him home.’
*
The breeze held on to the remaining heat of the day as it whipped around Amanda’s bare legs. It felt good to feel the sand between her toes. She slowly paced along the beach, the setting sun causing the sky above to burn the brightest shade of red.
‘Get some fresh air,’ her mother had urged when she’d walked into the kitchen and found Amanda stood frozen beside the oak table, her cheeks flushed and her lips twisted in a grimace. ‘It will do you good,’ the older woman had said, insistent as she ushered Amanda out of the house.
At the back of the garden there was a small gate and beyond that an overgrown set of steps which precariously led down to the beach. As a little girl Amanda wasn’t allowed to traverse the cliff-side path alone, but when she was with Shane and John it was a rule the three of them regularly flouted. Together they’d pick their way down to the shoreline and then race across the sand before letting out high-pitched screams as the icy waves broke against them.
The beach was quiet now. All the tourists had packed up and headed inland. Shielding her eyes against the sun, Amanda could see a few solitary figures walking their dogs as the waves gently lapped at their feet. This was always the time Amanda liked best. When the sun was setting and the world felt serenely still as it braced itself for yet another night. It was on such balmy summer nights that she’d steal down the path with Shane. Together they’d sit beneath the stars and kiss one another until their lips were numb.
Amanda angrily kicked at the sand. It danced up around her like a dust cloud. She shouldn’t be thinking about Shane. She tossed a hand through her loose hair, physically pushing any memories of him back into the recesses of her mind. She should be thinking about Will.
He hadn’t liked the cliff-side path. He’d peered down at it warily and shaken his large head.
‘Now that doesn’t look safe.’
‘It’s perfectly safe, I promise,’ Amanda had already taken a few steps ahead. The sun was low in the sky; if they didn’t move soon they’d lose what little daylight remained.
