by Carys Jones
Jake looked over at her and there he was; Will. The mammoth man who was her sworn protective, the grizzly bear she snuggled up to at night. His features softened but a hardness remained in his eyes and his mouth twitched as he battled his inner conflicts.
‘They kept hounding you?’ his voice was low, softer than before.
‘I’m fine,’ Amanda forced a weak smile. ‘It was scary, sure, but I’m okay.’
‘They could have been in the house, seen a picture of you, watched you when you went out,’ Shane was listing off reasons she shouldn’t leave the cottage on his fingers. Amanda heard every one, felt the icy reality of each revelation sliding down her spine. And yet…
‘It’s a whole load of what-ifs,’ Amanda smacked her palms against the table, drawing the immediate attention of both men. ‘Ewan is just a little boy. I’m willing to risk being seen to check on him. My face might still be unknown, whilst Jake’s definitely isn’t.’
It felt so strange saying his real name, like being a child and denouncing the existence of Santa Claus out loud. It changed everything.
‘Well, I’m coming with you,’ Jake started to get up.
‘Like hell you are,’ there was a fire behind Shane’s words which startled Amanda. He was on his feet before Jake was, staring down the other man. ‘You’ve put her in enough danger as it is. I’m going with her. You’ll stay here and do nothing until we get back. You understand?’
Amanda’s husband had never liked being told what to do. He was a forceful man, used to giving orders, not following them. But perhaps Jake was different. Cracking his knuckles once more, Jake lowered himself back into his chair and Amanda silently released a sigh of relief, remembering that her husband still had a gun tucked into the waistband of his jeans and she wasn’t ready yet to dismiss the possibility that he’d use it.
‘I just want to know he’s okay.’ Jake was looking at her. Pleading with her.
‘I’ll check in on him,’ Amanda promised. ‘What was his last known address?’
‘A block of flats outside Glasgow city centre.’
Amanda grabbed a pen from the kitchen counter and scribbled down details onto the back of her hand.
‘He lived there with his mother.’
Swallowing nervously, Amanda kept writing, refusing to pause and let the implications of that statement sink in.
‘Okay… your son’s name is Ewan Burton, right?’
‘Right.’
‘And his mother?’
‘Evangeline. Evangeline Burton.’
Amanda felt dizzy. If Shane’s hands hadn’t gripped her shoulders at that moment she’d surely have crumpled to the floor like a game of Jenga which had just had a crucial piece of itself removed.
‘Come on, let’s go,’ Shane’s hands were still on her shoulders, his breath against her cheek. ‘If we go now we’ll reach the city before it’s dark.’
Numbly Amanda nodded and followed Shane towards the door which led out into the rain.
‘And you stay here,’ Shane pointed back inside at Jake who remained at the kitchen table. ‘If you so much as move outside of this cottage, I’ll report your return to Scotland to McAllister myself. We clear?’
‘Crystal.’ Jake didn’t look up.
*
The rain had picked up. It pounded Shane’s car as they wove round tight bends and steep hillsides. Their new destination had been punched into the satnav. It icily told them that they were about two hours away from Glasgow.
For the first hour Amanda said nothing. She just stared out of her window, watching the rain trickle down the glass as Shane drove with the car stereo on low. He was playing an old Coldplay album like he remembered that it was her go-to CD whenever she was stressed. At times in the past Shane had been able to read her like a book. And now, as the music played he understood that she needed quiet contemplation rather than facing down a barrage of questions.
Finally the clouds above parted and a weak thread of sunlight broke through as the rain slowly diminished.
‘You okay?’ Shane wondered cautiously, as if now that the storm had passed it was safe to ask questions.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Look, you’re clearly not fine. This whole situation is beyond fucked up and—’
‘I said I’m fine.’ Amanda folded her arms across her chest.
‘Okay, you’re fine,’ Shane exhaled a sharp breath. ‘Getting a real sense of déjà vu here.’
Amanda felt her lips lift into a smile and some of the weight against her chest ease. More times than she could count she’d pout and insist that she was fine to Shane. Usually whilst in the car or in a long line at the supermarket. He’d press her to open up and she’d keep stating that everything was fine until eventually she broke. Because whenever she said she was fine it was always the complete opposite and she was so far from fine that she couldn’t even see it on the horizon anymore.
‘So he was married before? So he’s divorced?’ Shane took his eyes briefly off the road to glance at her. Amanda shrugged and let the question linger in the air between them. ‘That doesn’t bother you?’ he pressed.
‘I just…’ Shrugging, Amanda pushed her hair behind her ears and forlornly leaned back in her seat. ‘On the long list of things I’m currently bothered about, that’s pretty low.’
‘Why help him?’
They sped past a sign which said that Glasgow was forty miles away and the traffic around them thickened.
‘Because.’
‘Because?’
‘Because,’ with a sigh Amanda straightened and focused on the still wet road reaching away from them. ‘Contrary to recent evidence, Will, dammit, Jake, was a good husband to me. He loves me.’
‘You think that’s still true?’
‘Don’t you?’
Shane kept his eyes on the road but his jaw twitched. ‘I think you’re the kind of woman that a man loves for a lifetime.’ His hands tightened against the wheel.
‘At the next exit take the third right.’ The clipped accent of the satnav filled the space between them.
‘Not long now,’ Amanda rubbed at her eyes and wondered how someone’s life could change so drastically in such a short space of time.
‘Yeah,’ Shane agreed softly, ‘not long now.’
*
It had been easy enough to find Ewan and Evangeline Burton once Amanda had run a search on her laptop and quickly confirmed the details Jake had given her. She also found Evangeline’s Facebook page, though she didn’t open it.
The rain had completely stopped as Shane pulled into a car park nestled between two austere blocks of flats which loomed up towards the sky like a pair of grey monoliths.
‘They are in apartment 328,’ Amanda read the information from her laptop which was propped up on her knee. ‘Third floor.’
There were scarcely any vehicles in the car park. The car in the adjacent bay was missing all its hub caps, whilst a shiny white BMW was a few spaces to Amanda’s left, though whether anyone was in it she couldn’t tell since all its windows were blacked out. It looked starkly out of place and its presence unnerved Amanda. She sensed that it’d been bought with drug money, which meant that McAllister’s presence could be close by.
The flats themselves were woefully oppressive. Amanda could feel their stark presence bearing down on her, making her feel tiny and insignificant. Each building reached up into the sky but not in a glorified way like an Egyptian pyramid did. These flats weren’t trying to touch God, nor were they an example of a nation’s splendour and glory. They were cement giants crammed full of windows which looked out on the landscape like vacant eyes. The flats looked like they belonged to some dystopian future.
‘Do you think he…’ Amanda closed her laptop to squint up at the vast building which easily towered over twenty storeys high. ‘Do you think he lived here?’
‘Maybe.’ Shane had rolled up the sleeves to his shirt and was drinking from the coffee he’d grabbed when they stopped to top up on p
etrol.
‘Mmm.’
‘It’s a far cry from home, huh?’
‘It’s pretty bleak,’ Amanda admitted.
‘Kind of makes a bit more sense why he was willing to take crazy risks for money.’
‘I guess.’
Amanda stared at the third floor of the building to the right of the car park, willing Evangeline and her son into view. Her stomach turned. As much as she wanted to see them, to ensure Ewan was okay, she was equally hopeful that they just wouldn’t show. That it would be a bust. That Evangeline had gone into hiding after she assumed her husband was dead.
‘Pow, pow, I got you.’
A light voice rang out from behind the car. Gasping, Amanda turned and saw a woman striding across the car park, laden down with plastic shopping bags. Around her danced a little boy with thick black hair in a Spiderman costume.
‘Amanda?’ Shane must have noticed the colour drain from her face.
‘That’s them,’ she gasped, turning back round but keeping track of the couple via the windscreen mirror.
‘You sure?’
‘I’m sure.’ Her heart was racing. She felt like Icarus after he’d dared to fly too close to the sun and now she was burning. Her entire body smarted with the pain. As the little boy’s light, helpful voice drew ever closer, Amanda felt only dread.
‘Pow, pow, drop down you’re dead. I got like you like ten times!’ He was circling the woman, flicking imaginary spiderwebs at her from his wrists. He had a shock of dark hair, just like his father, and green eyes that shone with childish delight. Green eyes which Amanda quickly realized he’d inherited from his mother.
‘Ewan, stop that,’ she scolded as she strode through the car park, shoulders back and chin held high. Amanda stared at her in the mirror, it felt like looking at a ghost.
Evangeline Burton was beautiful. But it was a beauty that had become tarnished. She had the look of a woman who’d been forced to lose her innocence far too young. Her dark hair was slicked back in a severe bun and large silver hoops were laced through each earlobe. Her emerald eyes were framed with thick black eyeliner and heavy lashings of mascara, and her thin lips were ruby red. She had on her war paint and given her strident stance it appeared she was used to doing battle on a daily basis.
Both Shane and Amanda were silent as Evangeline and Ewan passed by the car, oblivious to its occupants. Ewan kept firing webs at his mother and insisting she play along. Evangeline kept ignoring him, maintaining a rigorous pace as she hauled her shopping towards the block of flats. The bags were bulging, the plastic thinning at the handles, yet still she remained upright and proud. She was a warrior.
Amanda couldn’t look away even though she knew she should. Even in her faded skinny jeans and oversized hoodie, it was easy to see that Evangeline was glorious. Drape her in a toga and she could easily pass for a Grecian goddess.
‘Well, she’s rough as a bear’s—’
‘Don’t,’ Amanda cut Shane off before he could say something to try and make her feel better. ‘She’s beautiful, Shane. Don’t act like you can’t see it.’
‘I can’t.’ She could feel that Shane was staring at her. Really staring at her.
‘At least we know Ewan’s okay,’ she smiled breezily at him. ‘I mean, look at him,’ she gestured beyond the windscreen to where Evangeline was managing her bags to unlock the main door into the flats. As she fumbled with her keys, Ewan kept bouncing around her, full of boundless energy.
‘I bet he thinks he could just scale the wall into their flat,’ Shane laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
‘He’s certainly spirited.’ Amanda opened up her laptop. She accessed the device’s camera and zoomed in on the little boy, her finger lingering over the relevant key. Just as Evangeline successfully opened up the doors, Amanda snatched her fingers back and closed her computer. She figured that it wasn’t how Jake would want to see his son for the first time in all these years. He’d want to see the little boy laughing and breathing in real life, not static in some captured image.
‘So he gave up his entire life here to protect them?’ Shane was pensively looking up at the block of flats. Evangeline and Ewan were now gone from sight.
‘He must really love them,’ Amanda whispered, her chest tightening.
‘And he just went and did it again. Gave up everything to protect them.’
Gave up me.
Amanda choked on her own thoughts. She felt a lump gathering in her throat as tears streamed down her cheeks.
‘Oh, shit, I wasn’t thinking.’ Shane reached for her, wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against his chest. And Amanda wept.
She pictured Jake walking across the car park with Evangeline at his side, the burden of the shopping divided between them. And when Ewan ran up to his giant father and fired imaginary spiderwebs, Jake played along and Evangeline laughed delicately at them. This was once Jake’s life. Amidst the concrete and the poverty, love had flourished like a delicate flower.
This was his life.
The thought reverberated through Amanda as she shook against Shane. He kept his arms locked around her as she continued to cry. Over and over, she asked herself the same question; If this was Jake’s life, was she the lie? Was their marriage the part of himself that had been untrue?
*
‘So what now?’
The sky was darkening outside as Amanda bit into her fast food burger. Her eyes still ached from all the tears she’d continued to shed as they drove out of Glasgow. She’d have gone straight back to Jake if Shane hadn’t insisted that they stop to eat, to gather their thoughts.
‘We go back and tell Jake that his son’s okay,’ she dabbed at her mouth with a napkin.
‘You sure you want to go back?’
Amanda considered the question a moment too long. ‘Of course,’ she insisted. ‘I mean, he deserves to know the truth about his son.’
‘He doesn’t deserve you,’ Shane seethed. ‘He’s a fucking idiot for putting you through all this.’
‘Love isn’t all sunshine and rainbows,’ Amanda looked deep into his eyes, seeking the boy within the man. ‘You and I know that better than anyone.’
‘Love isn’t letting go,’ Shane’s eyes shone with the tears he refused to shed.
‘Eventually we all have to let go,’ Amanda concluded sadly as she finished off her burger.
‘Then why am I still here?’
Ignoring the question, Amanda reached for his carton of half-eaten fries. ‘Mind if I have these?’
Smiling, Shane nodded. ‘Sure.’
He watched her shove a handful of fries into her mouth.
‘Most girls like to be all coy and dainty when they eat. But not you,’ he commented.
‘Is that a bad thing?’ Amanda’s question was muffled by all the food she was chewing.
‘No,’ Shane smiled broadly at her and gave a light shake of his head as though humoured by some private joke. ‘No it’s not.’
23
It was dark when Shane pulled up close to the isolated holiday cottage once more. Amanda was surprised when the headlights gleamed against the slick surface of Jake’s car. She hadn’t expected him to stay true to his word and remain there, especially when he’d proved himself to be skilled at disappearing.
The slamming of the car doors shattered the tranquil silence surrounding the cottage. The ground was still damp underfoot even though the storm had moved on. Amanda could taste the salt on the air, which told her they weren’t far from the sea.
‘Do you think he’s still here?’ Shane’s hand was already on the front door handle as he pondered whether Jake would be inside.
‘I hope he is.’
The darkness from outside had spread into the kitchen. Thick shadows gathered in every corner, but a sliver of light shone out beneath a distant door. Amanda was drawn to it. Pushing open the door, she emerged into a small living room. Wooden beams stretched across the low ceiling and two faded red sofas were angled
to face the fireplace. There were no flames within its hearth, just the ash from some long-dead fire. Not even an ember crackled in the dust.
‘Hey.’ Jake shot up from where he’d been sat on a sofa towards the back of the room. He rubbed at his eyes and massaged his neck as if he’d been resting in an upright, awkward position for quite some time. ‘You were gone so long I started to wonder if you were coming back.’
How does it feel to just sit and wait in darkness for someone who might not return? Her mind was screaming the question. She had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from breathing life into it. Stiffly she walked over to the fireplace and stood with her back to it, facing Jake.
‘Did you see him?’ he asked hesitantly.
Amanda nodded.
‘How is he?’ Jake furrowed his thick brow.
‘He’s…’ Amanda coughed away her unease. ‘He’s good. Better than good. He’s an adorable little boy, full of life. He was wearing this cute little Spiderman costume and—’
Jake held up his hand to her, signalling that he didn’t want her to go on.
‘He’s fine, Jake. Really.’
‘Well, fine isn’t good enough,’ Jake scratched at the dark bristles upon his cheeks. ‘The only way I can ensure he’s truly safe is to take the head off the snake.’
‘You mean go after McAllister?’ Shane was lingering by the doorway, back against the wall, arms folded across his chest.
‘Exactly.’ Jake reached for his glass and drained the last of its contents.
‘Going after McAllister is madness.’
‘Maybe. But it’s the only way I can make sure my son is safe.’
‘You take down McAllister, then what? Someone else rises up to fill his place?’
‘My issue is with McAllister.’ Jake shrugged. ‘I’m not looking to eradicate the sale of drugs up here, just take out the one man who has placed a target on my back.’
‘How noble,’ Shane scoffed.
‘Look, boy scout, I didn’t ask you to come up here and help me.’
