by Jillian Hart
But Ben—he might have broken her heart when she was a teenager, but he’d been young, too. And it was impossible not to admire and respect the man beside her. The man who fought when others would run. Who’d been wounded and still was determined to do his duty. Who reminded her that some men had truly good hearts.
If only she didn’t love him so much.
“Stop poking me,” Ben whispered to Rachel.
“Get. A. Clue,” she whispered back, her gaze glued to the exchange of rings happening right in front of them.
Since he was in church, maybe the good Lord would have a direct view of what he had to put up with. Sisters. He loved them. He was glad he didn’t visit home more often.
Okay, not exactly. He was going to miss them all a lot, especially Rachel. His medical leave was still active, but he was antsy to get back to base. Mainly because now it was going to be painful to stay around, thanks to the woman who perched on the pew on his other side. She sat silent and motionless, and yet every fiber of his being was aware of her every breath. And of her heartbeat, as if it were his own.
This is killing me. Watching Amy pledge her life to another was a great thing, but he never would have thought in a billion years that he’d be watching her get married and feeling bitter that he would never do the same. That he might want to.
Weren’t weddings supposed to make women dream of their own wedding day? But not Cadence. She sat as still as stone, as stoic as a glacier. When the bride and groom kissed, sealing their vows, a sigh rose from the sanctuary. Even his chest caught tight, and he had a hard time breathing around the emotion lodged there.
He was happy for his sister. He was sad that his life would remain alone and empty. He cast a sideways look at Cadence. Lovely as always, with her hair back, revealing her delicate heart-shaped face and her roses-and-cream skin. Her emotions shuttered like a window closed, covered and barred.
He never should have kissed her, he realized, rising to his feet as Amy and Heath turned, with Westin between them, officially man and wife. Applause broke out and rose petals showered the threesome as they headed down the aisle, beaming with happiness, blessed by the golden light from above.
He sneaked another look out of the corner of his eye and saw that Cadence was swallowing hard, tears pooling like silver as she watched the threesome burst out into the sunshine, where more family members continued to cheer them. Cadence’s bottom lip trembled, just once, a vulnerable gesture that made him wonder what she was thinking. What she was feeling. Her heart and her emotions were closed to him.
All he felt was utter devastation as he realized it was so over. He’d kissed her and the next time he’d seen her, she’d made it clear she wanted distance.
Her lips were rose-petal soft, and his soul stirred with the wish to be the man to kiss her and love her for the rest of her life.
But some things were not meant to be. She might trust him as a friend, but she would not open her heart to him. And yet, was there a way? And why was he even thinking this? It was killing him, this agony thrumming like an open contusion between his ribs. He ought to let it go. Accept Cadence’s distance. And let them both go on with their lives.
“Oh, Amy looks so happy, don’t you think?” Rachel sniffled, swiping her eyes. “It’s so g-good that she’s h-hap-py.”
“Are you crying, little sister?” He put his arm around her, turning toward his family instead of the other woman at his side. He didn’t know what to do with her tears. He didn’t know any longer what her dreams were.
“I’m just s-sappy. Don’t mind me. I’m h-happy. R-really.” She buried her face in his jacket and sobbed. “N-no one but us knows ho-ow hard she had it. And n-now…”
“A happy ending?” he finished.
She nodded, crying harder, this dear sister of his who wished on falling meteorite chunks and made s’mores cookies and put everybody in the world first before herself. He felt the hair on his nape prickle, and he knew the moment Cadence took a step away from him, walking to the far end of the pew and using the aisle there to escape.
Cadence. She’d had a hard road, too, and she deserved a happy ending.
And if not with me, Lord, he prayed, even though it was nearly killing him to imagine, please find the right man for her. Because we both know it’s not me.
Sadness hit like an explosion, and he felt the light drain out of his soul. Leaving only shadows.
“I need cake,” Rachel confessed as she wiped at her tears, shaking her head at herself. “Where did Cadence go?”
“Probably to congratulate the bride and groom, like everyone else.”
“Thanks for letting me cry on you.”
“I guess that’s what big brothers are for.”
“Yep.” With a watery grin she slipped her arm through his. “What happened between you and Cadence? The last time I saw you two, you were kissing in the driveway.”
“Maybe she didn’t like the kiss so much. Or me.” That hurt, but Rachel might as well know it now. It seemed as if he walked in darkness and his feet were made of lead. How had he managed to let her so far into his heart?
“Oh, I don’t know about that. She seemed pretty smitten with you.”
“You read too many romance novels, sweetie.”
“There’s no such thing! There can never be too much romance in this world.”
Not in his world. There was none, and there hadn’t been any softness or love or comfort for so long, he hadn’t realized how stark and bleak it was. Just work and duty and doing a job only those with iron will and steel nerves could do. But it was his life. It was what he had. And if he wanted Cadence… It’s too bad, buddy. You have to go back.
The best thing to do was to avoid her. To keep his gaze from finding her in the crowd. To keep his soul from responding to hers so that there would be no more pain, no more devastation, no more loss.
Too late. The instant he followed Rachel through the doorway into the reception hall, his soul stirred at her presence. He turned to her like the earth to the sun, and his gaze found hers as if an invisible bond pulled them together. Even though he was doing his level best to tear them apart.
“There’s Cadence.” Rachel’s hand pressed against his forearm, as if trying to will him into changing his mind about romance. “Take it from someone who’s been waiting for love to come into my life for a long time, and it hasn’t. If you love her, seize hold of it. Don’t let it pass you by a second time. Why else did God bring Cadence back into our lives?”
“Coincidence?”
“Good try, big brother, but I don’t think so.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek, his sister who was sweet as pie, and left him standing alone as Cadence dipped her chin. She was in line to congratulate the bride and groom and slipped away, disappearing through the crowd.
Unfortunately for her, he was a soldier trained for detail, and he didn’t lose track of her. She was bypassing the beverage table and the cloth-draped tables full of candy and nut bowls and finger-food trays and past the caterers setting up for the buffet, heading for the side exit where she could slip away unnoticed.
She’s leaving. The smart thing would be to let her go, because that’s what she wanted. The trouble was, it wasn’t what he wanted.
He realized he couldn’t leave things like this between them. It would be no better than how it had been before when he’d run off to join the air force and left her behind to follow her dreams to Olympic gold. The trouble was that neither of them had ended up with the happiness they’d sacrificed to let the other find.
Is this in Your plan, Lord? Or am I trying to hang on to what I should let go of? He didn’t know the answer. He only knew it felt as if his ribs were going to disintegrate from the agonizing pressure in his chest. From the wrenching emotional pain of facing his future without her.
He didn’t know why he did it or what he intended to do. He was simply marching after her, weaving around small groups of folks talking. Then dodging kids racing to the refreshment tables and p
romising Ed Brisbane and his buddies, who called for him to join them, that he’d be back. It seemed to take forever to wade through the crowd to the side door, and he might as well have been swimming against the tide for all the progress he made.
Then finally he was pushing open the door and emerging into the dazzling heat and light, the grass lush and crisp beneath his dress shoes as he yanked at the annoying monkey tie choking him at the throat. He dragged in gulps of air, preparing to do battle, preparing to face whatever it was he had to. He had to know. He had to hear her say the words, because if he went back to Hurlburt and didn’t know for sure if she loved him, he wouldn’t be able to stand it. He’d never be able to put to rest this unbearable pain that was eating him up.
Feeling alone, he scanned the grounds. No Cadence. Not on any of the benches. Not seated beneath the shady trees. Where had she gone? The blades of grass ruffled in a whispering breeze. Leaves rustled overhead. The long low limbs of flowering cherries and the broad sturdy arms of the maples shaded him as he followed the light indentation of a woman’s sandals, quite different from the boots of men he was used to tracking.
He followed her shoe prints to the far corner of the back lawn. To the left stretched the cemetery, markers solemn and flowers bright. To the right the land gave way to the wild sunflowers and crimson Indian paintbrush and thick bear grass dried to dark amber.
Cadence stood with wildflowers brushing her skirt, overlooking the wide Gallatin River, which sparkled in the bright day, rushing quiet and deep. She seemed lost in thought, watching the gleaming river. And with her back to him, she couldn’t have heard him approach, although her spine stiffened and he watched tension creep into her shoulders.
She feels this, too, he realized. This synchronicity. This connection. Encouraged, he made his way through the dried grass that crunched beneath his uncomfortable shoes. He yanked open the top buttons at his collar because his chest was tightening again and he needed every ounce of air he could drag into his lungs in order to get this out.
He had to know before he called his colonel and made the decision to come back early. He had to know there was no other possible future. No reason to stay in Montana a few more weeks while he could. Unless…
Unless. He stopped a few feet short of her. Jammed his hands into his pockets. Tried to figure out what to say. How to start. She didn’t make it any easier. She didn’t move. She didn’t acknowledge him. She didn’t give a hint as to whether she was being tortured by this, too—this not knowing, this fear of rejection, this overwhelming fear that maybe, just maybe, if they did it right, true love could have a second chance. That they could have a happy ending.
But where did he start?
The beach down below was busy. They were on the high end of the river. The bank rose a good ten yards higher on this side, giving way to a rock-and-clay beach below. Kids were taking advantage of the sizzling weather to escape into the cool river. Packs of kids on inner tubes floated by. A family in a motorboat. More kids roughhousing in the shallow waters by the shore.
“Once you’re a lifeguard, you’re always a lifeguard,” he found himself saying. “I still can’t just look at the river. I have to count heads and make sure everyone’s accounted for.”
“And be five steps ahead so you can stop disaster from happening.” Cadence nodded, keeping her gaze on the swimmers and boaters below.
The high shrieks of kids at play peppered the air and emphasized the long silence that fell between them. Between the few feet separating them that felt as wide as the river.
I love you so much. He choked on the power of that single emotion. Not fear, not anger, nothing in his life had felt this much. Hurt this much. And yet when he laid his hand on her shoulder, ignoring the fact that she startled beneath his touch, the brightness in his soul returned. Radiance that made only one thing clear.
Heaven was giving him his answer.
He had everything to lose if he didn’t tell her how he felt. If he did not risk everything right this minute. The future stood in the balance between them.
Since no words would come—he wasn’t good with them anyway—he caught her face with both his hands, tipped it toward his and kissed her long and sure so she would know. So she would have to pull him close or push him away.
Chapter Fifteen
The first brush of Ben’s kiss surprised her. She wasn’t prepared for it. She hadn’t imagined it. She’d expected him to kindly say goodbye. What else was there left to say between them? Shock filled her, and she couldn’t react. She couldn’t think, only feel as his kiss turned tender, a sweet, loving brush of his mouth to hers that seemed more like dream than reality.
But this was real. The agony in her heart. The sorrow in her soul. The breeze on her skin and the crisp sharp scent of dried grass and ripe wildflowers. The sharp rise and fall of kids screaming as they skidded down the fast river in their flotation devices.
Real, and no dream.
Ben was kissing her goodbye with all the tenderness of a wish come true. If this was the only tenderness she would know from this fine man he’d become, then it would have to be enough. She savored the strong feel of his heartbeat beneath her palms. The masculine scent of his aftershave. The luxury of his kiss.
Don’t let this moment end, she prayed, for she was so grateful for it. For when the kiss ended and Ben moved away from her, he would be gone. All things ended, and she nearly cried out as he pulled his lips from hers. The love in her soul shone so brightly she could no longer see the sky or the river or even the man in front of her.
Or maybe that was the sun blurring in her tears. She swiped at her eyes, surprised her fingertips came away damp.
“You’re crying.” The caress of his baritone moved through her spirit, and she could feel his affection as his hand remained cradling her face, as if he could not bear to let her go.
Just as she clung to him, unable to make her hand release the handful of his jacket she’d only just realized she was squeezing. Self-conscious of her emotions, of the feelings that bubbled out of her no matter how hard she willed them down, she nodded her head, knowing she had to be honest.
In a way that she could keep her dignity and allow him to leave, she spoke only the truth. “I am crying. Amy has found happiness. Your leg will recover and you’ll have what we’ve all been praying for. Good news all around. God is gracious.”
“Yes, He is.” Thoughtful, Ben did not move away. “What about you, Cadence? What about your happiness? What have you been praying for?”
“I’ve been praying for you—on your behalf,” she corrected, the instant she realized her mistake. “I want only the best for you. Only the very best.”
“That’s what I want for you, too.” He winced as if she’d struck him, and she didn’t know why. “You have a lot here. Your work and your coaching.”
“I do. It makes me happy.” It was the truth. It was the only option she had. God had led her here, He’d been gracious to her despite so many mistakes in trusting people, and she was trying her best to let Ben go. To give him what made him happy.
But that’s not entirely true, her conscience scolded her. When she looked into her heart she was afraid to trust that God might have brought her here to love this man, and she was too afraid. She was too afraid that as much as she’d wanted true love, it didn’t often exist. She was afraid to put her trust in it one more time.
Ben had made no promises. No declarations. He’d spoken only of going back to his base. And if his kiss was like a dream of what true love should be…what about that? She didn’t know. She only knew that it was safer to let him go.
His gaze turned fierce—not angry or threatening, but intense. And she felt the shock of it pierce her. As if he were trying to see the truth inside her.
“I know you love me. I can feel it here.” His fist landed on his heart. “But what I want to know is if you love me enough? I’ve got almost three more years to go before I can retire. I’m in and there’s nothing I can do about
it. I have to go to Florida.”
“I know you do.” Pain wrenched through her. “Do you think this makes it easier to let you go, knowing this?”
“That’s not what I’m asking, baby.” The fierceness was gone and he was pulling her into his arms against his sun-warmed chest as dependable as steel, as safe as home, as real as forever.
“Then what are you asking me?”
Her eyes were wide with confusion. Didn’t she know? His heart rent wide open, raw and more vulnerable than he’d ever let himself be before. It wasn’t easy, this opening of himself, leaving the most vulnerable part of his spirit open and undefended. “I want to know if you might consider moving to Florida?”
Furrows dug into her forehead. “Are you asking me to?”
“I am asking everything, beautiful.” He cleared his throat. Help me find the words, Lord. Because I’m not good at this. I need Your guidance—
An earsplitting scream rose from down below. They both automatically turned toward the sound. Where the wide, rolling river hit the rapids, a lone inner tube bobbed and raced past the pack of kids, who’d started shouting incoherently. One boy leaped off his tube and disappeared into the water. Then bobbed back, being swept away by the current.
There was only one thing to do. Ben hit the bank, skidding down the clay-and-rock cliffside, yanking off his tux jacket as he went. Wildflowers, scrub brush and saplings broke beneath his shoes as he kept his eye on the spot where he’d first seen the lone inner tube. He was hardly aware of anything except the crush of crumbling earth behind him. Cadence. She was coming, too.
“You go after the kid in the current,” he ordered her, but there was no need. She was already cutting to his right, downriver, her shoes gone, and they were moving as a team.
There was no more need for words, he knew. They leaped into the river, running into the water, pushing into the deeper water until the current caught them.
Ben scissor kicked hard into the fierce river, ignoring the chaos around him, figuring out where the submerged kid might be. He hadn’t come up—anything could have happened. But the current was strong, and it was shallower here where huge boulders beneath the surface made a dangerous ripple in the current.
