by B. M. Hardin
As soon as I entered the house, I’d heard him trying to bribe Tia with candy to follow him into the back room.
When I turned the corner to the hallway I could see that his pants were already undone and that his penis was already as hard as a rock.
Nasty bastard!
Luckily, I’d come into the house, just in time, before things had gone too far but for me, he’d gone far enough.
I looked at him with disgust as he tried to look innocent and attempted to pull himself together.
I grabbed Tia’s hand and led her back outside with me. I was so furious that day that I began to cry.
Why couldn’t anyone else see how unstable and sick he was?
Why didn’t anyone else care that he had a problem and that he had a thing for little girls?
It was as clear as day yet everyone acted as though there was nothing wrong.
As I allowed Tia to get back to playing on that sunny day, I’d dried my eyes and began to brainstorm.
He was had to pay for what he’d tried to do to my little sister. He had to be stopped or else he would have tried it again and who knows, he probably would’ve succeeded if I hadn’t did what I did.
To this day, I often forgot about what I’d done and usually kept it buried in the pit of my belly where no one would ever find out the truth.
It was one of the many secrets that I had but nowhere near one of the worst.
What I’d done was something that I wasn’t proud of but I had to stop him.
I couldn’t let him hurt Tia, so I did what I thought was right at the time.
That’s right…I cried wolf.
I waited for about a week after the incident.
During that time, I’d explored my vagina and used anything I could to widen it, stretch and enter it to look as though I’d been touched before.
Once Mama left us home alone with Uncle Johnnie one evening, I knew that I had to make my move.
I almost decided not to go through with it until I saw him touch himself as he watched Tia and one of our other sisters as they played.
I knew then that he deserved to be in jail and it was up to me to put him there.
So, the next morning, I started acting weird and when Mama asked me what was wrong, I lied.
I told her that Uncle Johnnie had touched me the day before and had been touching me for years.
I was sure to say that the day before he’d only fondled me but I expressed that he’d done everything else on other occasions.
I forced myself to cry and even gave vivid details, as best as I could.
The internet had been my only resource, but apparently it was enough.
I know, I know, it wasn’t right.
And I was too young to tell such a drastic lie but I felt as though it was my only option.
I had to do something.
Maybe I could have simply told Mama the truth about the way that he looked at Tia and maybe she would have kept him away from her.
But would that have been enough?
What if he tried to hurt someone else?
He had a ton of kids by a lot of different women all over the place, some of which we’d never even met.
What if he touched one of them?
If I wasn’t mistaken most of them were girls, so, in my mind, that made them possible victims.
But nevertheless, the saddest part of all was that my lie actually worked.
I stuck to my story, and lied until Uncle Johnnie was convicted of a crime that he didn’t do.
He called me liar after liar but no one believed him.
Everyone believed me.
Mama, the police department, the judge and the jury all believed me.
As a result of my allegations, Uncle Johnnie received a few years in prison.
I figured that by the time he got out, Tia would at least be old enough to defend herself, but Uncle Johnnie never came back home.
He died only three months after going to prison of some widespread prison viral outbreak that he’d contracted.
Did I feel bad?
Heck yeah, I did.
I never meant for him to die.
I was just trying to save my sister.
If I could do everything all over again, I wouldn’t have told such an awful lie, instead, I would have told the truth but I couldn’t change it.
And it was something that I’d had to deal with my whole life.
It was a guilt that had never, ever gone away.
But whenever I looked at Tia, and all of her accomplishments, for the most part, I felt as though I’d saved her life.
Who knows where she would have been if he had gotten ahold of her.
Who knows how she would have turned out or if she would have even made it to where she was today if he had stolen her innocence.
I knew that one day I would be held accountable for what I’d done, but at the time, as a young naïve little girl, my heart was in the right place.
And for my sanity, I had to believe that my actions had actually resulted in something good.
It was just one of those things that you never told a soul and I was taking the truth, and such a big secret with me to my grave.
Point. Blank. Period.
Shaking away the thoughts of my past, I focused back on my current life and current situation.
I had to find a job and I had to find one fast!
There weren’t a lot of folks that I could depend on and I couldn’t have Tia doing other things to lighten my load.
Though we had two other sisters, Sonni and Josephine, they were both married with a ton of kids so I never reached out to them for any type of assistance.
Even if they did have it to spare, I just didn’t feel right asking them for anything.
So, I had to fix my situation on my own, just as I always had before.
Though I didn’t want to think about what Tia had to do for the money, the extra money was definitely going to pay a few bills that needed to be taken care of.
But that money would also run out and I had to have something in the works by then.
I started to think about my options.
Are there any opportunities that I was overlooking?
If my car was fixed, I could get something as simple as a paper route.
They were always hiring and you didn’t need any education or experience to throw a newspaper at a house.
I knew plenty of folks that actually made a living out of delivering newspapers for two to three hours a night, seven days a week.
But you had to have a reliable or at least a working car for that.
I already knew that finding someone to fix the transmission in the car was going to be very expensive and I was sure that it would take every penny that I had left.
So, the whole newspaper delivery idea was out the window.
I dropped a piece of chicken into the hot grease and sat down in a chair in front of the stove.
There had to be something that I could do.
“Envy! Look!” Tia yelled.
I hurried to the living room and followed Tia’s eyes to the television.
There they were, Rodney and his wife, on the news.
They’d been pulled over somewhere in Georgia and instead of surrendering; they led the police on a high-speed chase.
Unfortunately, for them, the chase ended in their deaths.
Rodney lost control of the car and the car flipped over several times before bursting into flames.
They were both pronounced dead at the scene.
Though they’d tried to hurt me, I did feel just a small bit of sympathy but it didn’t last long.
I’m sorry…but that’s two less sick minded people on this planet.
And I was all for getting rid of a sick-minded person.
And my past could vouch for that.
***
“What’s wrong with you Tia?” I asked her as she leaned over the toilet to throw up again.
She’d been packing her things
to head back to campus and all of a sudden, she took off running to the bathroom.
Her summer vacation was officially over and it was time for her to get back to her studies.
She went to a local university, but she was on a full scholarship that included housing.
I’d watched her work her tail off to get her education and I would do anything in the world to make sure that she made it across that stage.
“I’m pregnant Envy,” she said in between gags.
Pregnant?
What the hell did she mean she was pregnant?
“Tia, what do you mean you’re pregnant? Why aren’t you on birth control? How could you be so stupid?” I screamed at her in disappointment.
She gave me a look that could kill.
“First of all, I was, am, on the pill so I have no idea how this could have happened. Secondly, I only had sex once in the past six months…to get you the money for the air conditioners. So, sorry, for being stupid as you said. I was only trying to help,” Tia growled and pushed her way out of the bathroom.
I sat on the edge of the tub and thought about what she’d said.
My struggling had ruined my baby sister’s life.
Don’t get me wrong, children are blessings from above, but she had so much potential and so many goals and a baby was only going to slow her down.
There was just no way she could have this baby.
She was almost to the finish line and I just couldn’t let her ruin her life.
After thinking a little while longer, I got up to go and find Tia.
She was sitting on the edge of the bed in the room that used to be our parents.
Though it was the biggest bedroom in the house, I’d turned it into a guest bedroom.
I simply couldn’t sleep in a room that reminded me so much of Mama and Daddy.
But Tia never seemed to have a problem with it.
“I’m sorry,” I said to her.
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have opened my legs to him anyway. After all he was my professor…last year…and not to mention that he’s married,” Tia said.
I looked at her in disbelief.
“Why would you do something like that Tia?”
“You needed the money. Horizon needed the money. And I knew that he would give it to me. He’d made passes at me all year and he’d offered me everything except a Rolls Royce to get inside of my pants. I asked him for the money and he said yes with no problem. I just knew that I would have to do something in return. That’s just the way that it is. That’s just the way that this world works. Everyone wants something. But I don’t understand how I got pregnant. I take my pills faithfully. I should not be pregnant but unfortunately, I am. And yes, I told him. He told me that he would pay for the abortion, but I think I’m going to keep it,” she said.
I was surprised at her response.
Why would she want to keep a baby by a married man?
It just didn’t seem fair to the baby.
I’d had an abortion when I was just seventeen years old.
It was another one of my secrets that no one other than my cousin that paid for it, knew about.
Yes it was by Keymar, but I wasn’t ready to be a mother.
I thought that I wanted to do other things after high school and I thought that I was going to have this full and busy life and I thought a baby was going to slow me down.
Funny thing was that it was Keymar who’d actually called all of the shots, so I hadn’t ended up doing any of the things that I thought I was going to do.
Nevertheless, I told my older cousin my secret, and she’d taken me to take care of it.
We never told anyone, not even Keymar, and it was another one of those secrets that I had in my closet full of skeletons.
If Mama had known what I’d done she would have surely killed me, but at the time, I thought that I was doing what was best for me.
“Tia, you have to be smart about this. He’s married, and offering to pay for an abortion which means that you will be doing this all on your own if you keep this baby. Do you really want to do that? Look at me. It’s not easy. And what about school?”
“I know, it seems crazy, but I can do it. I don’t need him and I won’t even bother him. This is the consequence of my actions and I’m going to deal with it even though I’ll have to deal with it on my own. I’m still going to go school but I was wondering if I could stay here and just go to campus on the days that I have classes. I can work my class schedule around and still help you watch Horizon when you get a new job. I’m going to need you to help me get through this and I’m going to be here to help you. All we have is each other. By the time the baby is due, I’ll be almost finished. I will graduate this year and I will find a good job and take care of my baby,” Tia said confidently.
Her confidence reminded me so much of Mama.
Mama had been a strong, smart black woman.
She was the definition of strength, dedication and hard work.
Mama was the kind of woman that could turn a dime into a dollar. She could turn one pack of meat, flour, two can goods, and milk into a buffet.
She had been our very own, real life super woman and Tia reminded me so much of her.
Internally, I couldn’t help but blame myself for the situation.
Had it not been because of me she wouldn’t have given herself to a married man and she wouldn’t be carrying his baby.
I had been the one dumb enough to sit around and wait on a man to take care of me, instead of at least getting a higher education and making something of myself.
I was the one that didn’t have anything to offer.
I was the one who couldn’t find a decent job.
I was the one struggling.
It was me…not her.
But that was all going to change.
And it was going to change today.
The next few hours came with planning and preparation.
Tia was officially going to stay in the house with me and commute to school for her classes.
Her best friend vowed to get her back and forth on the days that she had classes and Tia promised me that she was going to work her ass off, pregnant and all, to graduate at the top of her class…on time.
After she and Horizon were down for a nap, I headed out the door to do something that I should have done a long time ago.
I was going to beg Carmen for my job back at the hotel.
With Tia being pregnant, I was going to have to make sure that she was comfortable and taken care of especially since it was my fault that she was in the predicament that she was in.
I just had to put my pride aside and do what was best for my family…even if it was going to make me uncomfortable.
What other choice did I have?
Maybe Carmen would see how much I needed the job and help me out.
I could only hope that she would do the right thing.
Please let her have the heart of the caring, generous woman that I’d met two years ago because I really, really, needed a job.
I walked into the hotel and a feeling of discomfort smacked me dead in the face.
Immediately, I felt as though I was walking from a prison cell, heading towards my own execution.
But thoughts of Horizon, Tia, and the unborn baby kept my feet moving until I reached Carmen’s office.
I knocked and she looked up at me.
Shockingly, she didn’t seem surprised to see me.
It was as though she had been expecting me.
“Envy, what a surprise,” she said although I knew that she was lying.
I wasn’t a fan of begging but I was all out of options.
“I need my job back Carmen,” I said to her hesitantly.
I wondered if maybe I should cry or at least shed a tear to pull at the strings of her heart.
I really, really needed my job back, so I opened my mouth to say a few more words.
“I know things went kind of sour, but I really need a job. I’ve l
ooked everywhere and I haven’t had any luck. Even if it’s for fewer hours, whatever, I just really need my job back,” I said to her.
I felt like the scum of the earth to have to beg her but my pride was the last thing that I was worried about.
I had people to take care of.
I had people depending on me.
Carmen was quiet.
She looked at me with pity, yet it seemed like she’d enjoyed hearing me beg.
Forcing herself not to smile, so she spoke instead.
“I’m sorry Envy, but your position was filled a long time ago,” she said.
I exhaled.
What was I doing here anyway?
I should have known better than to come here.
I didn’t say a word. I simply turned around to leave.
“But---I am still hiring for another position,” Carmen said behind me.
How did I know that it would come to this?
“You see, I saved a spot just for you on our team, you know, just in case you changed your mind,” she said.
I turned around to face her.
My mind was racing and I was confused as to what to do.
How on earth was I going to give my most prized possession to men that I didn’t know?
How would I get through it all without being sick to my stomach?
Especially with the incident that Rodney and his wife had recently put me through.
Being violated was not a good feeling.
But what other options did I have?
I had a family to take care of and I needed a job.
I was almost out of money and I was all out of time.
From the looks of it, this was the only option that I had left.
I mean, maybe it wasn’t all that bad.
Maybe I could at least see what the job really consisted of.
Maybe I could try it out or at least try to do it for a month or two, just to get back on my feet.
Yes, there was a little light at the end of this dark tunnel.
If the job paid as well as Carmen had said, I would be on my feet in no time and I would have saved up enough of money to take care of home until something better came along.
This was the only way.
As sad as it was, this was my only option.
