"I still feel like I should."
"And miss the opportunity thrown at us?" Tash clasped Mayr's hands and swung them gently. "We're incredibly blessed, sweet love. It's an unexpected gift. However it's come to us, whatever the path, it's a chance to have everything we want. No one has to get hurt along the way. No one needs to be ashamed or uncomfortable."
Mayr held his breath, waiting for Tash to add a caveat. When none came, he breathed out long and slow. Tash's optimism and reason forged ahead faster than Mayr's thoughts. He still could not make sense of why he was not standing alone at the side of the road, watching Tash walk away in anger. His heart had been sold on a hard fight, armed to his frozen back teeth with apologies and gifts to prove his love.
Instead, Tash bounced on his toes in boyish glee, blowing away any hint of jealousy or disapproval Mayr had anticipated.
"You'd be willing to go through with it?" The question tumbled out of Mayr's mouth, difficult and dry.
"The better question would be are we willing to."
Unable to remain still, Mayr walked up the wagon tracks. Tash followed, his stride matching Mayr's. "Maybe," Mayr said at last, shoving his chilled hands into his pockets. He wanted to be at home, warm in his bed, away from the cold and his shock.
"Perhaps this is better answered in a different way." Tash hummed and eyed the road ahead. "Are we opposed to having a threesome? Would it be so horrible to have three sweat-slicked bodies smelling of sex in the same bed and enjoying it?"
"What?"
"You heard me. Would it be terrible to have one hand around my cock and the other inside her, both of us coming for you?"
Mayr choked and coughed. His mind screeched to a halt, stuck on the image of all three of them tangled up in sheets. "No…? I guess… no? Just strange?"
"You enjoyed yourself when we were with Sarene, and look what came of that." Tash clutched Mayr's hand. "I would've done anything for you that night. You were beautiful, coming undone in my hands, letting me see you. Your trust sustained it, not my desire. I suppose the question is if you trust me now?" he asked. "Can you trust in us? Arieve's attractive, playful, and kind. If you love her…" He exhaled, his breath drifting in the air like white smoke. "It'll be easier for you. If it's easier for you, it'll be easier for me."
Tash stopped and slipped his fingers beneath Mayr's chin, turning Mayr's face towards him. "I love watching you, when you sleep, when you laugh, when you're in the throes of release. Watching you and her is something I'm willing to try, if for no other reason than to have a family. I'll do it to have the chance to see you with our child, playing and learning and being the father I know you are. I value our future too much to surrender to jealousy."
The husky tone of the last words sent a shiver through Mayr. "How can you be so sure?"
"I’m not completely certain, but it's worth an attempt." Tash smiled wistfully. "We didn't approach her; she offered it to us. She wants to be a mother, something I welcome happily."
"How do we raise a kid together, though?" Mayr argued. "There's when and where and how, not to mention providing and sharing responsibilities. It could take months to sort, and we might not agree."
"We have months, Mayr. Besides, you know her. You know her family, her values. We're likely to agree on a great many things simply by our natures. The rest we can find a solution for. We can make this work."
"You're not going to give this up, are you?"
"Not when you're being too stubborn to see the answer right in front of you."
Tash's hopeful look struck Mayr harder than an axe at the knees. Agony hacked Mayr apart, ripping back his wants and needs from what was right. While Tash tried to grasp their happiness before it floated away, Mayr was too occupied with finding reasons to run.
Not even finding—making up. Here he is showing me what it means to be loved and I'm fighting like I don't want it. But I do. I want us to have the family of our ridiculous dreams. Arieve… she came to us, and he's not punishing me. How can any of that be wrong when it sounds so right?
Growling, Mayr pulled Tash off the road towards the cobbler's shop. Beneath the eaves where the snow was shallow, Mayr pushed Tash up against the black wood wall and slipped his knee between Tash's legs, pinning him in place. Persuaded by thoughts of possible futures, he claimed Tash's lips with a hard kiss that deepened quickly, guided by Mayr's desperation to taste Tash's love and hope rather than just hearing them. Words were easy—he needed actions. He needed to see what they could have, to feel what they would become. If he wanted to have it all, he needed to be open to it.
When he drew back, they both struggled to breathe. Mayr held Tash close, groaning as their chests rose and fell together at the same strong pace. Snowflakes clung to Tash's eyelashes. His nose and cheeks were red in the dim light, but his blue eyes had lost none of their sheen. Cold as his skin was, Tash's mouth was warm, the taste of him both savoury and sweet in a burst of peace and pleasure. To all of Mayr's senses, he was irresistible.
He would follow Tash anywhere, into anything, whatever his heart desired.
"I'm yours," Mayr whispered. Slowly he raised one of Tash's hands with his own and pressed it to the wall, palm to palm as he interlaced their fingers. "If we go into this together, we'll get through it together." He lifted Tash's other hand like the first, their gloved fingers interlocked tight against the wall. "If one of us changes our mind—if one of us wants out—say it and we'll stop. Both of us go in, both of us come out. That's the only way this is going to work. I won't leave you behind. If we're setting rules, that's my first and only. The only answer I need."
Chapter Seven
Yes. We're going to tell her yes… assuming either of us has the courage to say it.
Tash opened his eyes, disappointed to find the bedroom dark. The fire was out and little light slipped between the curtains, suggesting dawn was still on its way.
Meanwhile, I can't go back to sleep, even if I wanted to. With a stifled sigh of surrender, Tash untangled himself from the skewed blankets. Mayr remained where he lay on his stomach, face turned towards the door, both legs and one arm sprawled while his other arm hugged his pillow.
Tempted to embrace Mayr's warmth and escape the chilly air, Tash forced himself from the bed and into his sandals. He had a long day ahead. In addition to training two new Metah priests and cleansing the altar rooms dedicated to Emeraliss, he was to be the officiant at both a child's blessing in the morning and a marriage rite that evening.
If I'm going to be distracted, best do it now. The last thing I need is to get the words wrong and bless the infant with all the grace of a wobbly old goat. Tash crept towards the wall across from him, stopping at the armoire Mayr had given him three days after their engagement. The armoire bore the strong scent of the hard, red-black wood it was crafted from, as if the trees had been felled only days before. Etched into each corner of the armoire were bouquets of flowers, fern leaves, and feathers, identical to those of the chests on either side of the armoire.
The armoire and chests belonged to Tash, Mayr had made that clear. Mayr had also insisted he would share the mantel above the fireplace and add a set of shelves for Tash's personal items, which were few but welcome nonetheless.
He's really trying. From the armoire, Tash withdrew a pair of his red pants and breathed in the woody scent that clung to the fabric, unable to stop his smile. We're actually going through with all of it. Him and me, bound in vows and law and love.
Love that would include someone else.
His delight sobered. He donned the pants, tying them loosely before he crossed the room to the makeshift altar on Mayr's armoire. A week had passed since Arieve's proposal. Since then, he had discussed the issue at length with Mayr to pick apart the merits and faults. The decision could not be made lightly, nor could they let it pass by. Now we have to make our decision worth something.
He flipped open the matchbox on the left side of the altar and fingered the long matches before drawing one. Mayr insiste
d on purchasing the matchsticks rather than allow Tash to rely on the Temple's supply. They were a luxury, affordable to those who could spare the funds. The Temple received chests of matches from wealthy benefactors, including the man responsible for their production, but Mayr spared a portion of his wages to maintain a collection for Tash, separate from the estate's stores.
Even in something so trivial, Mayr's care was limitless.
Which is why this family will probably work, assuming we have Emeraliss's blessing. Tash struck the match and lit the four white candles and incense. No matter his love for Arieve, however deep it runs, I have faith in him. None of this would be happening if his love for me weren't real. Despite my carelessness, despite what he's gone through, he's taking me as a husband. Moving on hasn't been easy for either of us, but still. Still.
Tash waved his hand over the bowl of floral-scented incense, sweeping the ribbon of smoke over the altar as he focused on the four gold statues.
"In those I trust," he recited, whispering the words he spoke every morning. "With heart invested in all things beloved by the divine, I bid the Sacred Four fair morning. Emeraliss, Lady of Love's Light, I recommit my soul to share in the might of Your graces." Tash dipped his fingers into the bowl of lukewarm water and flicked drops across the altar from left to right. "Such is the depth of my servitude. Grant me the kindness that comes with love and the wisdom therein."
He backed away and kneeled in front of the armoire. Head bowed, he sat back on his heels and held out his hands, open palms turned upwards. In all things, I am this, blood and bone searching for the truth. Reverent Ones, guide my spirit. I am willing and ready…
Eyes closed, he let the familiar words of prayer take over. His mind filled with the images of the Goddesses as he saw them during his last Uldana trial. Statues, tapestries, and paintings could not compete with such ethereal beauty. Just as the universe could not be captured in a jam jar, the essence of the Four could not be accurately portrayed. No physical tool would capture the light that radiated from within; no brush or chisel could recreate the shifting threads of their being. The Goddesses were as stars, their brilliance best seen from the darkest depths.
Between life and death, Tash had appeared before the Four and wept for want of a life with Mayr. On his knees, under the burden of apology, Tash had stolen a glimpse of Emeraliss. Her long hair shone like the sun, bright yellow and white and grey, hanging in tiny plaits, thick curls, and cascades of jeweled strands. As Emeraliss had grasped his shoulders, he realized her skin shifted in waves from warm bronze to deep umber to black as the night sky, each angle revealing a different hue. The gauzy, glittering layer of Emeraliss's slashed white gown had been soft and cool, sliding over him like her gentle gaze.
She forgave him that day, accepting his faults and pardoning the lie he had led himself to believe. Instead of punishment, he had incurred the rawness of love, its words and expectations stripped away. Witnessed by the other Goddesses, Emeraliss had bound Tash to Her by word and tether. The chilling sensation of the chain formed from woven light and silken ribbons still played across his right wrist, its glowing white and blue jewels burned into his memory. Emeraliss had bid him to stay with Mayr, mortal rules be damned.
He intended to do so, even if Arieve possessed part of Mayr's desire.
Tash frowned and stuttered over his prayer. He had promised Mayr he would let Arieve in, not only into their bed but also his trust. His heart was not on the table for the taking, but he would not close off his emotions. More than once he had dallied in a relationship that included two others, though he had never invested deeply in them. Convinced he was better committed to a single person or no one at all, he had taken only sexual gratification from those encounters.
I didn't love any of them, and that's the difference. He fidgeted, forcing his position despite his restless fingers. There were multiple forms of love, he reminded himself, and he was capable of many of them if he let it happen.
Just as Mayr trusted him, Tash needed to trust what they had.
For everything there is a price, a trade. Tash stared at the candles. For the life we seek, I must trade a piece of him—a piece of myself. For a child that is ours, we must pay in love. Yet that love will become part of our child, returned in full several times over.
His glance fell to the bear cub carved into the armoire. I cannot enslave him to my doubt, nor do I have to turn away, hide, or watch bitterly as someone leads him to his happiness. I can go with him, be by his side. That which is the most meaningful often requires a fight. Yet when the fight is unnecessary, when the hurt need not be dealt, we can choose to surrender or persevere in peace. We can love our way through it.
He wanted peace rather than despair. Above everything, his hope chewed on the edges of possibility, giggling at what could be.
Yet deep beyond his wishes, reason toiled with fear. Mayr was precious. He alone could shatter Tash. If Arieve took Mayr away…
Tash squeezed his eyes shut and bit down hard. He had promised Mayr he could give Arieve a fair chance. Likewise, Mayr had promised if either of them hated the arrangement, one word would release them. Only one word and they would walk away together:
Stop.
With a sigh, Tash returned to his prayer. When that failed, his words mangled by the rest of his thoughts, he leaned forward to touch his forehead to the floor. The cold stone was a welcome comfort on his flushed skin. Emeraliss, give me strength. Grant me the courage to try and the faith to hold on. Bless us with the joy of a child's smiles and laughter and the innocence we lost. Give us serenity where we see only challenge.
Tash pushed up from the floor and shuffled to the table across the room to wash and groom. Once finished, he returned to his armoire and pulled on his bracers. After multiple tugs on the bracer laces, he drew out a fresh set of robes. The lightest went on first, a single piece of unadorned fabric that hung loose and lacked closures. The next robe was the heaviest, made from thicker fabric in the winter than in the summer. He laced it closed with long red cord, through the two sets of grommets aligned from his collarbone to his hip. The last robe slid on with the most ease and could be closed with four gold clasps. He left the clasps alone, preferring to let the robe flow around him. Of them all, the third robe was his favourite, the brush of its flared sleeves and wide cuffs soft on his knuckles.
His veil was the final piece of his vestments, its comb easily slipped into his hair. A glance at his bedside table reminded him of his talon ring, a piece he avoided whenever he needed to appear the perfect priest. Guilt hit him every time he chose not to wear it, but he could not allow tokens of his past to bring bad energy into the formal spiritual space of others.
On his return to Mayr's armoire, he glimpsed the bed. Mayr still slept, flat on his back, one arm curled above his head while the other dangled over the edge of the mattress.
Tash blew out the candles and left the room, closing the door quietly. He would let Mayr sleep for a while longer. A cup of steeped herbs was his first concern. Something strong. Anything to shake these nerves.
The dimly lit hall was empty, though he recognized the sound of the night watch in the distance.
The silence was more informative. For those who knew Mayr, one needed to note where there were no audible footsteps. That was where the guards truly were, hidden in the shadows. They were never far, always a dozen steps away from Aeley, Lira, or Mayr. Now that group included Tash, Adren, and Ress.
True to expectation, a guard slipped out from around a corner before Tash stepped onto the main staircase.
"Morning, Priest Tash," Gorgan greeted. His wide grin and blue-green gaze were friendly, but they did nothing to hide his visible fatigue, even with the loose curls of his dark blond hair dangling into his eyes. Like the other guards, he wore dark clothes, his heavy brown shirt laced all the way up his neck beneath a black leather vest. His black pants appeared immaculate, tucked into shin-high boots with black fur trim. As prescribed by Mayr's rules, he carried at le
ast four knives: two strapped to his thighs and two in his boots. He kept one hand on the hilt of the short sword at his waist, his posture at ease. "Did you sleep well?"
Not older than twenty, Gorgan was still in the basic training Mayr put all guards through. From what Tash knew, Gorgan would be subjected to another two years of that training before he was considered a full guard. The corner in the hallway was the second trial post Mayr had ever assigned him; the first was the perimeter of the stables.
"Morning, Gorgan. I slept, so I suppose you could call that well. Just as quiet as your shift, I think."
Gorgan nodded, a faint blush spreading across his cheeks. "I shouldn't complain. Could be worse, I guess."
"Indeed. There's nothing like guarding the outer doors and secret passageways and freezing the whole time." Tash descended the staircase, offering a smile as Gorgan joined him. Being followed as soon as he left the bedroom was a constant practice as of late, due to Ress and Adren's tenancy. While he had not laid into Mayr about the increased security, he wished the shadows would scamper off. The only one he trusted to remain that close for that long was Mayr, perhaps even Aeley.
Aeley had her own reasons for guards accompanying her, however. Those reasons may have led to her most recent proposal to Tash: the position of advisor.
Primary advisor, at that. On the last step, Tash turned right and rounded the base of the staircase, headed for the kitchen. Gorgan trailed behind him by three paces.
Tash ignored Gorgan, his brow furrowed while he considered Aeley's offer. She had asked him two days ago. At first he was pleased, but once the surprise wore off, uncertainty remained. He had no right to accept, even if it fell within his capabilities as an Uldana priest.
Still, he had promised to consider it, the least he could do to return her compassion for the circumstances in which he, Ress, and Adren had placed themselves. Aeley had stressed his experience in both the Shar-denn and the Temple made his opinions invaluable.
Tash wondered if she was prepared for the problems inherent in putting that much faith in him. Although he would never betray her, she needed someone savvy in politics and free of questionable affiliations. He was neither.
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