by Abby Ayles
It was late enough by the time she got home anyway. She barely had enough time to greet her mother and hand her the letter before going to her room, undressing for the night, and collapsing into a deep sleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
Returning to Duke Godwin's house, she felt excited to be beginning another day caring for him. There was something deeply fulfilling about spending her time looking after the man who was going to be her husband. And today was promising to be a busy day. She made sure that the cook had brought him his breakfast and tea, then made her way around the house, ensuring that cleaning and other tasks were being handled properly. After all, it would be her duty to keep the servants in line when she was the Duchess.
It wasn't long before she heard a general commotion downstairs. The servants were arriving. Antoinette breathed a sigh of relief. Hopefully, they would be able to handle whipping the house into shape, providing food and drinks, and the other matters which needed attending to, so that she could dedicate herself to providing company. Duke Godwin, however, had other ideas.
“Antoinette, please bring me something to eat,” he said.
“I thought the servants were here?” Antoinette replied.
“But they are busy setting up their rooms, and I am hungry now,” he insisted. “Please be so kind as to ask the cook for some food.”
Antoinette nodded and made her way downstairs. At least she would be getting plenty of exercise after walking all these stairs a few times a day. She relayed Duke Godwin's request to the cook, who seemed flustered but began assembling a platter nonetheless. Antoinette made her way back upstairs and smiled as she walked back into Duke Godwin's room.
“Cook says there will be a cold platter of meats, bread, and fruits available in a few minutes,” she said, feeling proud of herself.
Duke Godwin scowled a bit. “I don't mean to be a bother...but could you ask her to remove the fruit and add some cheese instead? I do not fancy sweet things, I would much prefer some cheese.”
Antoinette was admittedly a little frustrated, but Duke Godwin was a Duke, and ill, and she wished to impress him. So she curtsied and made her way back downstairs to pass on the message. Walking into the room she felt satisfied with a job well done. And then...
“I need tea. Hot tea,” he said. “I had one here but it has gone cold and I require a new pot. Could you ask cook to prepare it?”
Antoinette drew a deep breath. “Of course. I can bring the platter as well, I suppose.”
Duke Godwin nodded. “That is a fantastic idea, it ought to be ready by now.”
Walking back down the stairs, Antoinette contemplated how she was going to keep very fit and healthy so long as she took care of him. The cook had indeed assembled the platter, and once the teapot was full and steeping, they both made their way upstairs to Duke Godwin's room, where the meal was laid out on a tray which he balanced on his lap as he ate.
“Are you hungry at all?” he asked Antoinette.
Although she had had breakfast at home, Antoinette was beginning to work up an appetite from all that walking. And yet, she knew she would have to be the one going downstairs and collecting it. “No thank you,” she replied politely, hoping that when we were Duchess he would be a little less demanding of her.
As Duke Godwin ate, she sat beside him and chatted about her parents and her brother's ventures to India. But as soon as he was done, another request came.
“I am bored, read to me,” he said.
Antoinette was annoyed again. She had just been speaking to him, but apparently, she was not interesting enough. And that suggestion bothered her. As well as the idea that she was there purely as entertainment to him. And yet, she reminded herself, he was ill and needed care. And it was not as though he were sending her on errands again. She nodded and went to find a book.
Even with a house full of servants, Antoinette saw that delegation was simply not an option. Every time Duke Godwin needed tea, or food, he needed her to ensure the standard was right. Every time he needed company or entertainment, she was the only person qualified. Even picking the right book was not something which could be left to servants.
“However did you manage without me?” Antoinette said, only half in jest, as she sat down with the book.
Duke Godwin shrugged. “This is the first time I have been so badly indisposed. Ordinarily, I would manage the house myself. Keep an eye on the servants, ensure my standards are met, entertain myself. But as things stand, I must ask you for your assistance.”
Antoinette nodded. That made sense. She still felt she ought to be getting more credit for all she was doing, but she decided that perhaps the praise would arrive when he was feeling better. Besides, she was doing it for the sake of goodness. Acknowledgement would just be the cherry on top.
“I must hear some music. Do you play?” he asked as she opened the book.
Antoinette shook her head. “A little piano, but there is no piano in here.” For a split second, she wondered whether he would ask her to bring an entire piano into the room. Thankfully, he was not so delirious.
“Then sing to me,” he insisted. “I wish to hear you sing.”
Antoinette nodded. If it would make him happy, and possibly help him to recover better, then she would sing. It was only fair. She sang a few Christmas carols, a few hymns, and a few ditties before he seemed content. She was still irked when there was no acknowledgement of the efforts she was making. But once again she put it down to his illness.
She left the room and allowed him to nap a little. The break was welcome for her too. She had spent all morning devoted to him. And she knew that devotion was expected of a wife. But she was not his wife yet. And, regardless, she did not intend on being that sort of a wife. He had proven beyond all doubt that he was more than capable of taking care of himself. So he could continue to largely take care of himself, and she could continue to take care of herself. Of course, they would support one another. But this doting...it was temporary, she told herself, until he was well again.
She had intended on informing him of the temporary nature of her constant care when he was ready to see her again. She had even mentally prepared a small speech to recite to him. And yet, when the time arrived, he called her in and she could not bring herself to say it to him. He was ill. He was relying on her because he preferred her to his servants. And if she wanted him to think of her as a good candidate for a wife, then she would have to make an effort.
“I require more tea,” he said.
Antoinette nodded, “I shall go and ask the cook to prepare some more, like last time.”
He nodded back. “Yes, that last pot was perfect. I am an exacting man when it comes to my tea,” he said with a slight laugh.
Walking down to the kitchen again. Antoinette was beginning to feel everything getting on top of her. She knew what she had agreed to but...why was he so rude and demanding? The marriage was far from cast in stone, and he was already running rings around her. She was so concerned about losing him...but he showed no concern as to whether he could lose her. And this bothered her.
He had seemed so infatuated. So enthralled. And yet he was treating her like a servant, not a future wife. Had he not learned from last time that she was not yet his? No, he had not. Because last time it had been him who had walked away. As she carried the tea tray upstairs, the thought dawned on her that she had been catering to her suitors in more ways than just these errands for Duke Godwin. She had been running around after all of them, trying to impress them from day one.
And of course, as a woman seeking to marry up she needed to put her best foot forward. But to these men, she was a guaranteed option. They knew she would continue to see them so long as they continued to court her. They knew that she needed them to remain among her prospects until she were finally married. They knew that she needed them more than they needed her.
That was why they all behaved so oddly. That was why they were all so demanding. That was why they tried to push their luck. Becau
se they saw her as a needy child, not a woman who could handle herself. And they were not wrong. She did need them, and her family did need them. But they didn't need to know that.
Antoinette resolved that she would carry herself with more dignity and control from now on, and find out which men actually saw her as an asset and which ones saw her as someone to exploit. Although she secretly hoped that nothing would change, especially now Duke Godwin had promised his love to her.
Chapter 24
Before doing anything too rash, she decided to consult with her mother. She knew that she would need to take her mother's advice with a little caution, of course, especially after the earlier misunderstandings. But she also knew that her mother had much greater experience with social situations than she did, and that her mother would perhaps understand Duke Godwin a little better.
Sitting at the dinner table, Antoinette explained all the hard work she had been putting in for Duke Godwin. “I am sure you understand,” she concluded, glancing at her mother.
Lady Byrd nodded. “I do, I understand very well. And it is only natural to desire a little acknowledgement, of course. But you must also understand that he is in a position where those demands are normal, and need to be met. And sometimes a wife and mother does not get the acknowledgement she wants.”
“I simply...why is he being so rude?” Antoinette asked. “I could do it all so easily, even unacknowledged, if only he were a little politer.”
“Is he genuinely rude, or are you just saying so because he is acting like a Duke?” Lady Byrd replied.
Antoinette paused. “I think he is rude. He never says please, he is continually fussing over this and that, and he demands that everything be a certain way. I am doing all I can to please him and all he does is ask me to do more.”
Lady Byrd sighed and shook her head. “Antoinette...men are strange and fickle beasts. You know that they will lie to you, that they wish to touch you. And now comes an equally important lesson: men are the softest hardened creatures on the planet,” she explained with a sagely nod.
“Are they really that bad?” Antoinette asked.
“Of course they are. That is why women exist. Because men like to think of themselves as big and strong and important. But as soon as they get even a little bit ill they become bitter about having to lean on anyone. They crave their independence,” Lady Byrd shook her head again with a smile. “When their independence is threatened men can act in most peculiar ways to assert themselves. And one of those ways is by being demanding. It comforts them that they are still great and powerful. And when we play along, we show them love and understanding.”
“But what about when I require love and understanding?” Antoinette said before she could stop herself.
“You will receive it when your work is done,” her mother reassured her. “Now, it is time for you to get some rest. You have another busy day tomorrow.”
Her father, who had remained oddly silent, muttered a soft “goodnight” to her as she stood up and left for bed. She found this peculiar, but she was too tired to question it.
With her mother's explanation, Antoinette felt better equipped to handle Duke Godwin. But first...first she needed to get some rest.
The next day, bright and early, the remaining servants arrived. Antoinette was a little surprised by the contrast between how the house had been for Duke Haskett and Mary, and how it was now that Duke Godwin intended to stay a while. It was active as a beehive, with servants milling around every hallway and room. Whereas before Antoinette had felt like she was all alone in a great world within those walls, now she felt like an intruder in a new land. All around her servants rushed attending to their business, and she could barely make sense of what they were doing, much less oversee or direct it.
However Duke Godwin seemed satisfied with how things were running, and finally, Antoinette could afford to relax a little and focus on talking, singing, and reading to him. This put her mind at ease. Of course ordinarily, he was a demanding man. But he had an entire army to wait on him. And when she married him, she would too. If it ever became too much, there were dozens of servants to take over.
As the next two days passed, she still felt worn out upon returning home, but satisfied. It was much different to wait on someone emotionally than physically. No more running up and down stairs, which of course spared her energy. But reading and conversing was almost equally as draining when it was done for a purpose.
Despite her affections for Duke Godwin, she was glad when her cousins returned.
Duke Haskett immediately moved upstairs to talk to Duke Godwin, seeming as though he had important news. Antoinette was curious and excited, but she did not get the opportunity to overhear the conversation. Mary seemed glad to see her too, and quickly swept her away to talk about something. Something important.
“Congratulations!” Mary exclaimed.
Antoinette put her head to one side. “For what?” she asked.
“Why your...not quite engagement to Duke Godwin. Your mother told me that he has declared his love to you...and hinted that there may be...a proposal...” Mary's excitement slowly trailed off as she saw the rage on Antoinette's expression.
“I cannot believe that she told you,” Antoinette replied between her teeth. “What if someone else had found out? Or come to visit and had seen us together? What impression would that give? I will have to tell her to be less loose with my secrets in the future...”
Mary nodded. “I know, but I am so glad that she did. Any more reservations?”
Antoinette shrugged. “I do not think so...” She felt the doubts nagging at her again. The same doubts which she had dismissed when Duke Godwin had first confessed his love to her.
“That sounds as though you may have reservations,” Mary observed.
Antoinette nodded reluctantly. “I suppose that Sir Dodge had a greater potential to make me personally happy, but Duke Godwin is the best choice by miles,” Antoinette insisted.
“What do you mean when you say he has more potential to make you happy?” Mary asked.
Antoinette shook her head. “What is decided is decided, I should not start asking myself such questions now. You know how indecisive I am. I would not be able to cope.”
“But your indecisiveness is a part of who you are, and it helps you to think things through clearly and overcome situations when choices are not obvious. And perhaps, if you have to fight it, then something isn't right,” Mary insisted.
Antoinette paused. Mary had a point. Normally when giving advice to someone else the first thing Antoinette would do was consider every possible situation and outcome, to make sure that her advice would have a happy ending. But she was not doing this for herself. She was treating her own life the way she treated advice: by considering how it would affect other people. But she had not considered how it would affect her. She drew a deep breath.
“Duke Godwin, kind and brave and noble though he may be, is a little...restrictive for my liking,” she confessed. “I like the thought of traveling, of seeing new and interesting things, of studying...But he is very traditional when it comes to what he expects of a woman. He wants her to be modest, and quiet, and leave the travel and learning to the men.”
Mary shook her head a little. “Well, that does not sound like you.”
“It isn't me. And Sir Dodge...I cannot marry him because he is not able to support my family. After all the trouble my sister is going through, and how much my parents are working to keep her and her husband supported, we are going to need that financial help,” Antoinette continued. “But he would give me freedom. Sir Dodge's love for me is more romantic, more relaxed, and he would gladly travel with me and support me in my pursuits. He is younger, more creative, less traditional, and I would enjoy that very much.”
As Mary listened, an odd expression overcame her face. “I do believe I have made a mistake in suggesting that you ought to stay with Duke Godwin,” she finally said.
Antoinette shook her head. “W
hatever do you mean?”
Mary hesitated. “I am not sure I ought to continue. I understand what you meant when you said that Duke Godwin was more in your family's interests.”
“No,” Antoinette insisted. “I need to know what you were about to tell me. I need to hear it.”
Mary nodded. “I want you to be happy and successful. And part of your success is being true to yourself. And if Duke Godwin were to interfere with your rebellious streak then he would stop you from being you. You would just become another case study for your sister's theories.”
Antoinette was shocked at such bluntness from Mary. Mary who was usually so polite, quiet, reserved...She had a strong opinion on this, and Antoinette believed that strong opinions usually formed around a firm truth. And it was true. To marry Duke Godwin would mean to sacrifice an element of who she was. And yet...
“I must,” she replied. “I must marry Duke Godwin because to give up on my family would mean to sacrifice a greater aspect of my identity. Sir Dodge may offer me freedom, but he is also young, spoilt, and lacking in self-control. He is not yet ready for marriage, even though he believes he is. All he thinks about is himself, and I have no doubt that were I to marry him I would find myself in my sister's predicament, being a burden on my parents.”
Mary hesitated. “But what does your heart tell you?”
“My heart tells me that Duke Godwin is a good man,” Antoinette said without hesitation. But as soon as she said it, someone else came to mind. Someone who should not come to mind at all. Mr. Perry. Why, at a time like this, did he invade her thoughts? She thought she had processed this and concluded that he was a terrible option for her in every sense. But her heart...her heart said. “I love him,” she muttered before she could stop herself.
“I suppose, if you truly love him, then all is well,” Mary replied with a sigh and a smile. “You worried me, though, for a minute.”
Antoinette breathed a slight sigh of relief also. Mary was none the wiser, she had assumed Antoinette was still talking about Duke Godwin. But Antoinette herself now had to wrestle with the knowledge that even at times like these, Mr. Perry was still on her mind.
