by Abby Ayles
Antoinette was in two minds about this. On the one hand, she did want to look good for Duke Godwin. But, on the other hand, this fuss was making her angry. He had not needed to put in all this extra effort to see her. He had been allowed to just... be ill. To focus on recovery. Meanwhile she was expected to look fresh and lively, and to be sitting up, fully dressed, in her reading chair? She sighed and continued applying her make up Indignation would get her nowhere. People who acted on their indignation wound up like Cecilia. She had to remain civilized and make the effort.
It did not take too long before Lady Byrd reluctantly admitted that any extra effort would not be worth the time Duke Godwin would be waiting. Antoinette was settled into her chair and a couple of blankets were draped over her legs to keep her warm. Then, Lady Byrd went to call Duke Godwin.
Antoinette felt awful. Whereas in bed she had felt fairly confident that she was recovering, the combination of those intense emotions, of moving around, and of exposing herself to the cold air outside her bed was too much. She felt a chill run all over her body and hoped that Duke Godwin would not be there long, so that she could creep back into bed and snuggle up warmly, to recover.
Duke Godwin arrived after what felt like forever, followed by a maid bearing a huge vase of flowers, and another maid with a tray of tea and cakes. Duke Godwin smiled as he made his way to the chair facing Antoinette's. “Do not stand, not in your condition.”
“Good afternoon, Duke Godwin,” Antoinette said, as opposed to “I was not intending to.” She smiled as he sat down. “It is wonderful to see you faring so well.”
“I wish I could say the same for you,” Duke Godwin replied. “You look very ill and tired.”
“I am. I suppose I am at that point of my recovery where you were when Duke Haskett and my cousin took over your care from me.”
“You should not be out of bed,” Duke Godwin said. “It will do you no good at all.”
Antoinette briefly considered confessing that it was her mother who had insisted on getting her out of bed and dressed. But she did not wish to invite pity, or to make Duke Godwin feel bad for what her mother had demanded. She shook her head. “Not at all, I feel better in myself when I am up and dressed.” It was not a lie. She did feel, on a personal, emotional level, better for making the effort. She would just not mention that on a physical, medical level she felt like she was completely void of any energy, sore, and freezing to death.
Duke Godwin seemed relieved. “I suppose if this is what you wish to do. But do not make yourself worse, going to all that trouble for me.”
“It is no trouble at all,” Antoinette insisted as another chill ran down her spine.
Chapter 29
Antoinette did not wish to push herself too far. But she also understood the importance of making Duke Godwin feel as though he were doing something important and making a real difference to her day. A lot of proper social etiquette involved not telling people of greater status things that might hurt their feelings, now she began to think about it. Status may bring with it wealth, and connections, but it also included a life free of advice, passive-aggressive remarks, and having your hopes and dreams shattered. But if that was what it took to get a good husband and protect her family, then that was what she needed to do...
She sipped her tea and listened as Duke Godwin told her about all his plans for his Christmas Gala. It genuinely sounded like a fantastic, extravagant, dreamy night. That little cynical voice which her sister had awoken was briefly silenced as Duke Godwin told her of the music, the food, and the decorations he was planning.
“What do you think?” he asked at the end.
“It sounds beautiful. Who will be invited?” Antoinette said with a smile.
Duke Godwin scowled in concentration a little. “That is just it. As it would be so close to Christmas day I am not sure of how to decide on the guest list. And I must decide fast, before anyone makes other plans.”
“What have you considered?” Antoinette asked.
“I suppose I would like it to be close friends and family... but I am not one for small parties. Who would you invite?” Duke Godwin asked.
Antoinette did not like being put on the spot like that. Being forced to make decisions for herself was hard enough, as the fear of regret would eat away at her. But the fear of causing someone else to be disappointed was greater yet. She was about to push the question back to Duke Godwin, when, in the nick of time, Mr. Perry walked in.
“Oh, it seems you have another guest, I shall–” Mr. Perry began.
Antoinette shook her head. “Nonsense. You have been so busy. Do sit down for tea. Duke Godwin, I would like you to meet a friend of the family, Mr. Perry. Mr. Perry, this is His Grace Duke Godwin. I believe you met at your ball last time, but were not properly introduced.”
“I am very pleased to finally make Your Grace's acquaintance,” Mr. Perry said. He made sure to bow low and to linger a little longer than usual before standing upright.
Duke Godwin smiled politely. “You are... you were... ah yes, the man she was dancing with. I had assumed you were one of Antoinette's suitors back then.”
“I was in a way, Your Grace. However, I could not possibly hope to match up to Your Grace, so we have remained nothing but friends,” Mr. Perry replied.
Duke Godwin, once again, was at an obvious loss as to what to make of Mr. Perry. He watched him cautiously as they all sat down for tea and cakes. It was very tense, and a little too quiet for Antoinette's liking. But quiet was better than talking about things which made her uncomfortable. Duke Godwin eventually made his excuses and, promising to visit again soon, departed.
Antoinette breathed a slight sigh of relief when, through her bedroom's open door, she heard the front door close behind Duke Godwin.
“Is that any way to think of your finest suitor?” Mr. Perry said with a slight laugh.
Antoinette shook her head. “You do not understand. You could not possibly understand. I am exhausted, cold, and sore. I have had to get up and dressed despite my illness. And he has been asking me for advice on matters which I genuinely have no thought on. It is altogether too much pressure. And it is a relief to escape it.”
She hesitated. Now she just wanted to get out of her dress, into her nightie, and back into bed, where it was warm and comfortable and safe. She was trying to work out exactly how to explain this to Mr. Perry, but he cast an understanding glance her way. “I shall leave you for a few minutes, to get comfortable,” he said, standing up. “I am glad that I made it possible for you to escape that conversation, though,” he added as he left the room.
Antoinette was looking forward to a relaxed afternoon and evening of talking to Mr. Perry, followed by an early supper and an early night's rest. However, as luck would have it, Mr. Perry had barely sat down when another visitor was announced.
It was Sir Dodge.
Antoinette repressed a sigh. “I suppose I ought to see him,” she said to Mr. Perry.
Mr. Perry bowed his head. “It would be rude to turn away Sir Dodge after seeking Duke Godwin. Unless, of course, you are about to decide between the two.”
Antoinette shook her head. “In my condition? I could not decide between jam and honey on my toast this morning. I need more rest before I choose a future husband.”
As Sir Dodge was guided into the room by a maid carrying another enormous vase of flowers, he looked around nervously, casting a quizzical gaze at Mr. Perry.
Antoinette smiled as sweetly as she could manage, glad that her mother had at least not made her get up and dress up this time. “Good afternoon, Sir Dodge,” she said. “Have you met Mr. Perry? He is a friend of my parents'. And he has been helping everyone to care for me.”
Mr. Perry stood up and bowed again for Sir Dodge. Sir Dodge did not acknowledge him, and instead made his way towards the chair beside the bed. Mr. Perry politely stepped aside, but Antoinette caught him casting an indignant look at Sir Dodge. The man's haughtiness was especially evident after Duk
e Godwin had been so polite and respectful.
Mr. Perry, rather than leave the room, made his way to Antoinette's reading chair and sat down, overseeing the situation the way a police officer may watch a shifty child in a shop. Considering how oddly Sir Dodge was behaving, she was grateful for this presence.
“I heard you have been ill,” Sir Dodge remarked. “I just wanted to stop by and see how you were doing.”
“I am recovering quite well, thank you,” Antoinette replied. “But I have been ill some time...”
Sir Dodge seemed a bit uncomfortable when she drew attention to his absence. He fidgeted in the chair a little. “I suppose I was a bit scared of getting ill myself. Call me paranoid, but I am convinced that I am doomed to be ill every Christmas. Even being here right now has left me wary.”
Antoinette’s eyes scanned the room. “You did not have to come, if you are genuinely that afraid. I am grateful for your presence, but I do not want to make you at all uncomfortable.”
Sir Dodge shook his head. “No, no... it is the right thing to do, as your suitor. I mean... is it not what any serious suitor would do for a lovely young lady like you?”
Antoinette suddenly realized what had happened. Somehow, the news of Duke Godwin's visit had reached Sir Dodge. He had been offended that another suitor had seen her before him, and felt threatened by the fact that a man with more status and influence had visited her with gifts. He was not there because he wanted to be. He had probably not even thought of her as he woke up that morning. Rather, he did not want to be outdone by anyone.
She smiled. “I am very tired, Sir Dodge,” she insisted, “and you have said yourself that you fear getting ill. Please, go home and come back when I am stronger.”
Sir Dodge seemed a bit disappointed that his plan was not working out as intended. She noticed a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth as he smiled back. He did not know what to say or do in a situation such as this one. “Of course. Please, send me a letter as soon as you are well enough to receive a guest.”
“I will, I will,” Antoinette replied.
For all his words, it was clear that Sir Dodge could not leave the room fast enough. Perhaps he genuinely was afraid of illness. Perhaps he was uncomfortable at being caught out. Or perhaps he had some other reason why he did not wish to be there. But he had paid his dues and made sure that Duke Godwin was not too far ahead of him. That was all he had intended to do. And as soon as he could, he left. In less than ten minutes, the only evidence he had even been there was the bouquet he had brought, so complete was his disappearance.
“I much preferred the first one,” Mr. Perry said, moving back to the seat by her bed.
“Yes, I do suppose that Sir Dodge is an... acquired taste,” she admitted reluctantly. “But he is well connected and wealthy, and my parents believe he is going up in the world.”
“Did they not believe that about your sister's husband also? Remind me how that is turning out...” Mr. Perry said drily.
Antoinette sighed. “The more I see and hear of it, the more persuaded I am that it is a situation entirely of her own creation,” she admitted. “I think my judgement may have been clouded by my admiration for her. I just remember her as always being what I wanted to be. And I suppose that was never who she actually was,” she explained.
“We all do that, in one way or another. There is no shame in it. We need role models, and as humans are imperfect, sometimes we imagine them to be perfect. God is our source of direction, but it is easier to emulate someone in our own lives.”
“But then we are lying to ourselves,” Antoinette replied.
“That is true, however if the end result is good, then what does it matter whether we told a lie or the truth?” Mr. Perry insisted.
“But... what if the end result is not good?” Antoinette asked. “What if the end result is not what we wanted?”
Mr. Perry shrugged a little. “Then do not lie. And either way repent.”
“Do you think that Sir Dodge and Duke Godwin are imagining me to be perfect?”
Mr. Perry hesitated. “I am not sure. Duke Godwin is most definitely imagining you to be who he wants you to be, rather than who you are. And Sir Dodge... perhaps I am biased, but I do not like the man.”
Antoinette paused for a moment. She felt a strong impulse to ask him about her dilemma. On the one hand, she knew that asking the advice of an unwed man was not the brightest of ideas when it came to choosing suitors. Not only did he know nothing about being married, he also knew nothing about being a woman. He may even still see himself as in competition with her suitors, making him likely to sabotage her relationships with them. And yet...
And yet he was a good friend, who would never dream of hurting her. He always offered her good advice, even when it hurt him. He always told the truth, even when he did not need to. He may sometimes be silenced by social etiquette, and he may still be a man. But above all he was a friend, and her best friend at that.
She briefly wondered whether she was idealizing him the same way she had idealized Cecilia. But even if she was, she needed to talk about these matters. She needed somebody.
“You know, Duke Godwin said when I was caring for him that he wanted to marry me,” she began.
Mr. Perry hesitated. “That is fantastic news,” he finally said.
“Well, I can only hope he will honour it. But of course, that does leave me with the small issue of... Sir Dodge.”
“Well, you will have to choose eventually.”
“I know this, but it is so troublesome. Whenever I am faced with a choice I am always scared of regret, and this fear clouds my judgement. You have seen them both... who do you think I ought to marry?” she asked tentatively.
“I... I could not say,” Mr. Perry replied nervously. “The choice is yours alone to make.”
“Are you sure?” Antoinette asked. “Because if you do have an opinion, I would very much like to hear it. I am worried that my own perceptions of my suitors are clouding my judgement, and this is inhibiting me from making the correct choice. However, if you really have no opinion, I would not wish to pressure you like Duke Godwin pressured me concerning his party guests.”
Mr. Perry was silent a moment and stared at his feet. Then, he looked up and smiled. “Very well. I hope you will not be angry at me, but if you really wish for my opinion then... I think Sir Dodge is a very poor choice in comparison to Duke Godwin. I am not entirely certain why there is still any doubt.”
Antoinette felt relief washing through her body. She had had the same niggling doubt from the very start, and hearing it echoed by someone she trusted was reassuring. “I am so glad you agree,” she said. “I was afraid I was so infatuated with Duke Godwin that I was not giving Sir Dodge a fair chance.”
“I understand. But in this case, it is my opinion that your judgement was excellent. You ought not to waste your time on Sir Dodge. He is not as wealthy or as important as Duke Godwin. He is still quite young, and rude, and there is something... not right about him. Duke Godwin is a much better candidate.”
“I suppose I ought to do something about this, in that case,” she remarked.
“Do not be too hasty,” Mr. Perry replied. “You are still ill.”
“That is true. But... if they are going to begin competing for my hand in earnest, then I would rather end it quickly.”
“I thought you would appreciate your suitors fighting for your attention,” Mr. Perry remarked.
Antoinette shook her head. “To be perfectly honest, I preferred it when it was just you paying me visits.”
Mr. Perry blushed visibly, making Antoinette suddenly realize what she had implied.
“The quiet company of a good friend is always better than the company of people who want something of you, is it not?” she added hastily.
“That is most true.”
Despite the wisdom in Mr. Perry's words, Antoinette could not bring herself to truly and finally discount Sir Dodge. Her mother's advice was lingering in
her mind. She knew that if she sent him away, and then failed to persuade Duke Godwin to marry her, she would not get a better option than Sir Dodge.
She agreed there was something not quite right about him... but that was better than nothing at all.
Chapter 30
Throughout the ongoing feud between her suitors, Mr. Perry continued to take care of Antoinette. And as she recovered, she found herself comparing him to her suitors. How attentive he was. How polite he was. How intelligent he was. He was reflecting qualities which, quite frankly, Sir Dodge and Duke Godwin, in their childish competitiveness, were failing to reflect.
She knew that she ought not to be having these feelings again. It was certainly because of how immature her actual suitors were being. Mr. Perry was not actually a great man. He was just looking better in comparison.
But even that way of thinking about things made her question her options. After all... if a man who, she assured herself, was in no way a suitable husband for her made her actual suitors look bad, then how good were they? They ought to be able to at least hold a candle to Mr. Perry. And yet throughout her illness they were consistently thoughtless, selfish, and competitive, in their own ways.
By the time Antoinette was well enough to socialize properly, the last fortnight before Christmas was upon them. In many ways she was glad for this, as it meant that both her suitors would be too busy working on Christmas plans to fuss over her. But there was one serious downside: the parties.
Christmas meant an insane number of balls, evenings, galas, and other such events, and the number of these only increased in the last two weeks before the actual day. And Antoinette, who had barely just recovered, was expected to attend as many of these as possible, and to be active and social at them. It was far too much pressure.
