I spun around with a start. “What? Oh. No one.” She arched her brows and I shrugged. “Myself.”
Shaking her head, she slung an arm over my shoulders. “How are you holding up?”
I knew what she meant. She was worried that I’d have a meltdown on the first day of school what with the whispers that came from being suddenly single. “Fine,” I said.
And I was. At least Caleb’s new girlfriend didn’t go to our school so I wasn’t forced to watch the two of them together. In fact, I hadn’t seen much of Caleb at all. I hadn’t seen him at all over the weekend, which was for the best. I knew I needed to talk to him before our match the next day, and I would.
Much as it might be fun to surprise Caleb by showing up on the opposing team, he deserved to hear the news from me first.
Like I’d told River—I didn’t want to resort to bad behavior even if Caleb might deserve it. Two wrongs didn’t make a right, or whatever. I was being the bigger person, taking the moral high ground and blah blah blah.
My mom had given me that speech and it stuck. In theory it made sense, but sometimes I just wanted to sink to that low ground. Be petty and vindictive and—
“Whoa, I lost you again,” Rose said, nudging me with her hip. “You’re muttering to yourself like a crazy lady.”
“Oh.” I clamped my mouth shut. “I just want to get this over with.”
“The talk?” she said.
I nodded. The more I put it off, the more I dreaded having this conversation with Caleb, mainly because I knew he’d be annoyed with me, but also because I was afraid I’d do something incredibly awkward and cry in front of him. But most of all, I couldn’t shake River’s words from the other night and that was driving me insane.
Once I had this talk, I could move on. River would see that Caleb didn’t control me—not that I needed to prove anything to River.
“You look pissed,” Rose said. “Are you upset? Do you need to go to the bathroom for a cry?”
I rolled my eyes. “Jeez, Rose. I cry over a boy one time, and you all seem to think I’m suddenly some fragile, wilting flower.”
Rose winced. “Sorry, Hannah, but you kind of freaked us all out.”
I sighed. “I know, but that was more because I’d just lost my team and I’d felt like he’d stabbed me in the back. I’m fine with things now…really.”
“Are you sure? There’s homecoming coming up. Are you sure you’ll be okay with Caleb taking her?”
I flinched at the thought of how uncomfortable it would be to be at the same dance with Caleb and his new girlfriend. Did I relish the thought? No. I wasn’t a masochist. But I also wasn’t going to let that stop me from going to one of the biggest school events of the year.
Rose arched her brows, still waiting for an answer. Was I okay with it?
“I’ll have to be.”
Rose didn’t look like she believed me, but that was fine by me. She’d see soon enough that I’d moved on. All I wanted to do now was focus on my new team and college applications and all the good stuff the future had in store.
I just had to get through this talk first, that was all.
Rose spotted Caleb coming down the hallway at the same time I did, and her hand tightened on my shoulder. “Ouch.”
“Sorry.” She eased her grip and lowered her voice. “You sure you’re going to be all right?”
I nodded and plastered a smile on my face. “Of course.”
She let me go and headed toward the front doors leading to the parking lot. We were all headed in that direction since the last bell had just rung for the day. I licked my lips. This meant that it was now or never.
“Hey, Caleb. Wait up.”
He froze when I called his name, but he didn’t turn around to face me. I held back a sigh at the stares of everyone around us, probably all eagerly awaiting a big scene.
Too bad for them, I didn’t do scenes. Neither did Caleb. We’d always been drama-free, and I wasn’t about to change that now. I kept a friendly smile on my face as I went over to join him, and he seemed to ease a bit when he caught sight of it.
I could practically feel his exhale of relief that I wasn’t coming over to chew him out in front of half the school.
Not that he wouldn’t deserve it.
He shifted his bag on his shoulder and looked past me to the gawking student body around us. “Hey, Hannah. What’s up?”
“Uh…” I glanced around too and gave him a hopeful look. “Can we talk in private for second?”
His brows drew together but after a brief hesitation he nodded. “Yeah. Sure. Did you drive?”
I shook my head. He knew I rarely drove since I didn’t have a car of my own. “Rose is waiting to give me a ride.”
He nodded toward the parking lot. “I’ll take you.” He gave me a small smile that was a pale imitation of the easy grin I was used to. “We’re going to the same place, right?”
“Right.” My throat felt raw and my voice rusty. Weirdness between us was so not our thing. We’d always been friends first. That was practically our motto.
And yet, here we were…definitely not friends.
I hated this.
But at the same time, I had no idea how to fix it. I glanced over at his familiar profile, at the classically handsome face I’d come to know so well.
I didn’t know if I wanted to fix it.
It wasn’t until we were in the car and had our seatbelts buckled that he broke the silence with a weary sigh. “Look, Hannah, if this is about the other week…”
“You mean the fact that you basically kicked me off the team?”
He was staring straight ahead at the parking lot before us, but I saw a muscle twitch in his jaw. “I didn’t kick you off—” He cut himself off with another exasperated sigh, and I shifted in my seat.
I hated this way he had of making me feel like I was the bad guy. Like I was overreacting or being childish because I was stating a fact of life over here. “You know what,” I said, holding my hands up in defense. “I didn’t come here to fight with you about that. What’s done is done.”
He gave me a sidelong look, clearly not sure whether to believe I could be this mature about it.
“I’m still hurt,” I admitted, my voice stilted. In all the years we’d been friends, and all the time we’d dated, we’d rarely had these kinds of talks. We were both so good at avoiding drama, we managed to do an excellent job of evading conflict in general.
In fact, we were pretty much pros at avoiding excessive emotions, full stop.
I cleared my throat because much as I hated having to do this, it had to be done. There were things that had to be said. “I was hurt that you’d break up with me over text, and I’m hurt that I had to find out about your new girlfriend at a soccer practice, and I’m hurt that you’d take my team away from me.”
It all came out on a rush of air, and it felt like I’d just thrown up all over his car. Physically, it was a bit of a relief, an elimination of the toxic pit in my gut, but his lips were pressed together in a look of disgust, as if I’d literally vomited on his seat.
I didn’t know what I’d expected…what I’d hoped for. But it wasn’t this silence. The tension in the car was brutal as he slid out of the parking space and left the parking lot. We’d driven several blocks before he finally spoke, and when he did…well, it wasn’t an apology.
“You don’t even play soccer.”
My head swiveled to the side so I could stare at him. “Excuse me?”
He didn’t repeat it and I was honestly stunned. I guess deep down I really had been expecting an apology of some sort. If not for everything, at least for the fact that he’d hurt me. But this guy—this stranger—was staring at the street, his hands clenched tight on the wheel. “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about the soccer thing when you don’t even play, really.”
I stared at him for so long my eyes started to hurt. I knew what he meant—I didn’t play for the school’s official team. Baske
tball was officially ‘my’ sport—the one that I was super competitive about and the one that could maybe, potentially help me get some scholarship money toward college. But that had nothing to do with the issue at hand, and I felt more confused than ever by what was going on in Caleb’s head.
“I love soccer,” I found myself saying. I hated how weak it sounded. How lame.
He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I mean, I know you like to play because, you know…you like to compete.”
I blinked rapidly at his tone. So derisive and condescending. Like it was a bad thing, or somehow inexplicable that I liked to compete. As if it wasn’t part of who I was and always had been.
As if it wasn’t the reason we’d become friends in the first place.
He shifted under my stare, but he still didn’t turn to look at me. He was watching the street like we were in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a dark and stormy night.
We were not. There wasn’t a single car around and not a cloud in the sky.
“All I’m saying is, I didn’t think you’d make such a big deal about leaving the team since you were only playing because…”
He trailed off with a shrug that made me want to scream. Instead I clenched my hands into fists in my lap. “I only play…why?”
He didn’t answer and the air rushed out of me.
I’d really started to think that Caleb had hurt me as much as he ever could have by breaking up with me and then kicking me off the team. But this…what he hadn’t said but what I knew he meant…
It hurt.
“You think I was only playing because of you?”
The car was so quiet he had to have heard my heart pounding furiously in my chest. But it was River’s voice I kept hearing loud and clear. He kept you on a tight leash. He still has you under his thumb.
I thought he’d been being mean. Cruel just for the sake of being cruel. But now, for the first time it dawned on me that maybe River really had seen my relationship that way. It sucked but I couldn’t take it to heart because the guy barely knew me, let alone me and Caleb as a couple. He’d only seen us on the soccer field and that was Caleb’s territory. He was captain and soccer was his passion. I didn’t like what River had said, but I’d been able to dismiss it.
But what was worse…the thought that made my blood run cold…maybe Caleb had seen it that way.
I struggled to swallow. “You think I just played to make you happy?”
His hands gripped the steering wheel. “Come on, Hannah. Soccer was always more my thing.”
“And you thought I just put up with it so I could spend time with my boyfriend?” My voice was starting to get louder and higher in disbelief.
He flinched, but he didn’t look guilty or apologetic. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but in this car. “Stop being melodramatic.”
I inhaled so quickly that the gasp did indeed sound pretty melodramatic. I clamped my mouth shut and stared out the window as he pulled onto our street and into his driveway.
“So what, you’re going to give me the cold shoulder now?” he said as he put the car in park.
I reached for the door handle, frustratingly close to tears because I just couldn’t win. If I got upset, I was a drama queen, but if I tried to stay cool and composed like him then I was the meanie for giving him the cold shoulder. Somehow I was always the bad guy, and he had yet to take any responsibility.
“I’m not giving you the cold shoulder,” I said as calmly as I could. “I’m giving you the space you said you so desperately needed.”
Yeah, there was some sarcasm there in my tone because it had become so very obvious that it wasn’t space he needed. That had just been a way to break up with me without admitting the truth—that he’d gone and fallen for someone else while he was supposed to be in love with me.
He sighed and turned to face me. “Don’t be like this, Hannah.”
“Like what?”
“Like this.” He waved a hand at me. “You’re being such a girl.”
“I am a girl.”
“Yeah, but…” He sighed again, and I inexplicably felt like the naughty troublemaker in school thanks to that exasperated sound. “I didn’t expect you to be like this.”
And there I went again, disappointing him. Because apparently I wasn’t allowed to have emotions or at least, I wasn’t supposed to express them. “I just wanted to talk—”
“No, you just wanted to make me feel guilty for moving on.” His tone was harsher than I’d ever heard and I jerked back toward the door in shock.
“That’s not why I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh no? Than what did you want to say?” His expression was so knowing, so very condescending.
“I-I—” Oh crap. Tears were threatening, but not because I was so heartbroken, and not because I wanted him back. I wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all because no matter what I said next he’d think I was only playing on the rival team to get back at him. And it wasn’t like that…it hadn’t been all about him. But it didn’t matter because apparently in Caleb’s mind everything I did revolved around him, and the fact that he felt that way…that he ever saw me that way… It made me want to throw up for real.
“Look, Hannah, I was hoping we could still be friends,” he said. “But if this is the way you’re going to be…” He shook his head like it was out of his hands. Like he was about to toss aside a lifetime of friendship because I couldn’t…what? Step aside passively as he ended our relationship and then kicked me off of a team I loved?
“I want to be friends,” I said. “Which was why I wanted to talk—”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Hannah,” he said, his voice so cold it made me shiver. “We’re done. You and me…” He looked at me as though I was a stranger. “We should have just stayed friends.”
I stared at him in shock. Was that really how he felt? “Then why...” I swallowed. “Then why did you ask me to be your girlfriend?”
He sighed like I was some annoying little kid pestering him. “I don’t know, I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought being friends made us a couple, but then I met Val and—” He gripped the steering wheel, not looking at me. “What I have with her is different. We have chemistry, and she’s…” He turned then to eye me critically.
I tugged at my oversized T-shirt, suddenly painfully aware of what he was seeing, and how he found it lacking.
“You’re not…” I had to fight to say it. “You’re not attracted to me, is that it?”
“Hannah…” He rolled his eyes. “It’s just different with her. She’s different. And that’s what I need right now.”
“I see.” My voice was quiet.
“Don’t be like that,” he said.
I met his gaze. “Like what? Sad? Excuse me for not joyfully accepting the fact that my boyfriend doesn’t find me attractive.”
His eyes grew shuttered and cold at my sarcastic tone. “Ex-boyfriend. And it’s not that you’re not attractive—Jeez, Hannah, when did you get so dramatic?” He ran a hand through his hair. “You’re just not my type anymore. The sooner you can realize that and move on, the better off we’ll all be.”
The better off he’d be. That was what he meant.
His eyes met mine. “You need to move on, Hannah. I don’t know if you’re trying to make me look like the bad guy or what, but trying to get back together with me like this is just pathetic.”
“Trying to get back—” I stopped when he flinched at the squeakiness that was my voice. “That’s not. I mean, I wasn’t trying—I just wanted to talk to you about—”
“About what, Hannah?” His tone was impatient, and his expression said he already knew and that it was sad. It said I was sad.
“Forget it,” I said as I opened the car door. “I’ll see you at the game this weekend.”
“Hannah,” he shouted after me as I scrambled out of the car, desperate to leave before he could see the tears. “Don’t be like this. You know it’ll cause a scene if
you come to the game.”
“Who’d cause a scene?” I asked. “Your new girlfriend?”
I’d paused with one hand on the car door and I saw his nostrils flare in defensive anger. “You can’t blame her for not wanting to see my ex in the stands cheering me on.”
Cheering me on. He thought I was going to the game to cheer him on?
My mouth fell open at the size of his ego. How had I never seen it before? Or, I guess I had but I’d excused it. I’d given him leeway because I’d cared about him. Because I’d always believed that beneath the conceited behavior and the selfish attitude, he had a good heart. But now…
Now he wasn’t my problem anymore.
A short humorless laugh escaped me at the thought, and I leaned down so I could meet Caleb’s gaze head-on. “Don’t worry, Caleb. You and your girlfriend have nothing to worry about. I won’t be cheering you on from the stands.” I pasted on a smile. “I’ll be kicking your butt on the field.”
Chapter Ten
River
I shut the door behind Allison but not quickly enough.
“Who was that?” my dad asked.
“No one.” I headed back to the kitchen where I was doing clean-up after dinner. My mom was working on a crossword puzzle in the living room near my dad, and she either hadn’t heard him bark out that question or she’d tuned him out.
I was pretty sure learning to tune out my father’s yelling was the only way my mother had managed to stay married to him for so long.
“It wasn’t no one,” my dad said. “Who’s coming to our door at this hour of night?”
I closed my eyes and said a prayer for patience as I hovered in the doorway, the shopping bag Allison had given me still dangling from my hands.
“What do you got there?” my dad asked.
My dad was forever paranoid. Part of me wanted to give a sarcastic response. Just a bag of drugs, Dad. Don’t worry about it.
I swallowed down the impulse and told him the truth instead. “That was just one of my teammates dropping off her uniform.”
Yup, there it was. The scowl. More than ever I wished my brother was there. He’d always been the peacemaker, the one to ease the tension in the air.
Playing the Enemy: The Trouble With Tomboys #1 Page 8
