by M C Beaton
She opened the door. He was brandishing a copy of The Bugle. "Would you believe it!" he raged. "Not a bloody word!"
"Come down to the kitchen," said Agatha. "Are you sure you didn't miss it?"
"Not a word," he repeated angrily.
Agatha sat down wearily at the kitchen table and spread out the newspaper. The headline screamed, freddie comes out of the closet! A comedian, the pet of British audiences for his clean humour, had declared he was gay. The other story on page one was about a Bugle reporter who had been shot by the Bosnian Serbs.
"We never heard a word about these stories when we were in the office," said Agatha. "They must have broken in the afternoon and knocked our story out of the paper."
"Maybe they'll run it tomorrow."
Agatha shook her head, wise in the way of newspapers. "They won't use it now," she said gloomily. "If they had had the story right at the time of the murder, they would have used it no matter what. But now it's sort of yesterday's news."
"I'll phone up that editor and give him a piece of my mind."
"Wouldn't do any good, James. We'll need to think of something else."
He paced up and down the kitchen. "I feel frustrated," he said. "I want to do something now."
"That health farm," said Agatha. "The one Jimmy went to. We could go there and perhaps get a look at the records and see who was there at the same time, pick out the people Jimmy might have thought of blackmailing."
James brightened. "Good idea. What's the name of the place?"
"I've got Roy's notes in the living-room. Look there. They might be cagey about letting us see their records, so perhaps we'd best check into this health farm as guests and under false names."
"We'll check in as man and wife. Mr. and Mrs. Perth, that'll do."
James hurried off, leaving Agatha to marvel at the sheer insensitivity of men. Husband and wife, indeed, and without a blush!
Agatha went back upstairs to wash and dress. She longed to have her own home back again. Perhaps she should call on Mrs. Hardy one more time.
Mrs. Hardy answered the door to Agatha half an hour later. She was as muscular and tweedy as ever, and a truculent look lit up her eyes when she saw Agatha.
"Look," said Agatha, "I wondered if you would reconsider letting me have my cottage back. I would pay you a generous sum."
"Oh, go away," said Mrs. Hardy. "I am working to settle in here and could do without these tiresome interruptions from such as you. I hear you were once a business woman. Behave like one."
She slammed the door in Agatha's face.
"Stupid old trout!" raged Agatha to James when she returned to join him and told him about Mrs. Hardy's continued refusal to sell the house.
"Why bother?" said James. "There are other houses, you know. I heard in the village that the Boggles are thinking of moving to an old folks' home. That means you could buy their house."
Agatha gazed at him, aghast. "But the Boggles live in a council house."
"What's up with that? Some of these council houses are very well built. And the Boggles' place would be quite roomy once you got the junk out."
Agatha wondered if he thought a council house was all she was good enough for and then considered in time that James did not know of her low beginnings and was merely being infuriatingly practical.
"Buy it yourself," she muttered.
"I might at that. Get packed. I've booked us in at the health farm. It's called Hunters Fields. We're expected there this evening. I'll take Roy's notes with us. Don't look so miserable. Forget about your cottage for the moment. We'll think of something."
"What? Snakes through the letterbox?"
"Something like that."
Agatha went to call on Mrs. Bloxby before they left. "So you and James do seem to be getting on very well," said the vicar's wife.
"The only reason we are getting on well is because James has all the sensitivity of a rhinoceros," said Agatha drily. "He's checking us into this health farm as man and wife."
"Perhaps he is using that as an excuse for you to really get together again," ventured Mrs. Bloxby. She looked at Agatha's set face and added hurriedly, "Perhaps not. He is a most unusual man. I think he keeps his mind in little compartments. The compartment of romantic Agatha has the door firmly shut on it while the compartment with Agatha as friend is open. It's better than nothing, or is it agonizing?"
"Not really," said Agatha. "I find I can't think of him in the old way any more."
"Because that would mean hurt?"
"Yes," said Agatha gruffly and her small eyes filled with tears.
"I'll make some tea," said Mrs. Bloxby, tactfully going off and allowing Agatha time to recover.
"If only I could get my old cottage back," mourned Agatha when Mrs. Bloxby returned with the tea-tray. "James is so well-organized, I feel superfluous. I want my own things about me again."
"I called on Mrs. Hardy." The vicar's wife carefully poured tea into two thin cups. "She made a little speech about keeping herself to herself, that kind of thing. In fact, she was quite rude. Perhaps you should look for somewhere else?"
"I'll have to," said Agatha. "I'm embarrassed by the fact that so many people have refused to take their presents back, including you. I know you don't suspect us of the murder, but I suppose most people in the village do, and that is why they really don't want to have anything to do with us."
"It's not quite that. Yes, quite a lot did suspect you of the murder, but then good sense asserted itself and they became ashamed of themselves. The reason they do not want their presents back is because they think, because of the way you are both going on, that you and James will get married after all, and they do not want to be troubled by finding a suitable card and wrapping all over again."
"Oh dear," said Agatha harshly. "Then they are doomed to disappointment."
Mrs. Bloxby changed the subject and regaled Agatha with some of the more innocent village gossip until Agatha finally took her leave.
Hunters Fields was a large mansion set in pretty parkland. When James told Agatha what they were charging, Agatha blinked in sheer horror. James insisted on paying the astronomical prices, saying he had recently been left a legacy by an aunt and was comfortably off.
They were shown to a spacious room on the first floor by a pretty receptionist who said the director would be with them shortly to explain the programme and the facilities of the centre.
The room had twin beds set well apart. They had just finished unpacking and hanging away their clothes when the director entered. He was a smooth-faced man with silver hair, well-tailored clothes, small gold-rimmed glasses and a benign air. He introduced himself as Mr. Adder.
"The most important thing," he said, "is for our resident doctor to examine you both in the morning. We are careful about that. We do not like to subject our clients to too strenuous a programme if they are not up to it." His eyes surveyed Agatha and James. "You, Mr. Perth, look too fit to need our help."
"It was my wife's idea."
"Ah, yes, I see." The mild eyes turned on Agatha and she could feel those little rolls of fat at her middle-aged waist growing bigger.
Mr. Adder went on to outline the facilities - massage, sauna, swimming pool, tennis courts, and so on.
James said, "We would be interested to see your records."
"Why?" A small frown now marred Mr. Adder's normally bland face.
"An acquaintance of ours, a certain Jimmy Raisin, stayed here once. At the same time, some other people we might know might have been staying here and - "
"No, no, no, Mr. Perth. Our records are confidential. Dinner is in half an hour."
He departed after giving them an odd little bow.
"Well, that's that," said Agatha gloomily.
"We'll just need to break into the office," said James.
This he repeated after a minuscule dinner. "I don't think I can bear to stay the whole week, Agatha," he said.
"Oh, I don't know," protested Agatha. "Might be go
od for us." Now that they were settled, she was looking forward to a trimming-down session.
"If I have to dine on this rabbit fodder for a whole week, my temper will become unbearable," said James. He looked around the other guests. They were mostly middle-aged and all looked rich.
"So when do you plan to break into the office?"
"Tonight," said James. "We'll take a look around after dinner. Wherever it is, it can't possibly be locked. A respectable place like this has no reason to suspect anyone would want to snoop."
"We may have given Mr. Adder reason to think we might. For all we know, he may have something pretty ordinary to hide, like one set of accounts for himself and one for the income tax."
"Well, we'll see." James sipped moodily at his decaffeinated coffee. "And then, after we've located the office, we should drive to the nearest pub and get something to eat."
Agatha wanted to protest. She felt slimmer already. But she knew it would irritate James if she insisted on dieting when she ought to be investigating.
After dinner, they walked around and found the office off the hall. It had a glass window which overlooked the hall, so they could clearly see filing cabinets and two computers. Not only was the office locked but so were the other rooms adjoining - sauna, massage room, treatment room, doctor's room, and director's room.
"How are you going to open the door?" asked Agatha.
"I brought some lock-picks with me." James had used a set of lock-picks before, never volunteering to explain why or how he had first got them.
They then drove down to a nearby village, where James ate a large helping of steak and kidney pie while Agatha contented herself with a ham sandwich and a glass of mineral water.
And then back to their room. James suggested they change into dark clothes, lie on top of their beds, and he would set the alarm for two in the morning.
Once in his bed, he fell asleep immediately while Agatha lay awake and listened to the gentle rumbling of her stomach. Just when she thought she would never fall asleep at all, she did, and then awoke with a start as the alarm sounded shrilly.
"Time to go," said James. "Let's hope they don't have some security guard patrolling the place to make sure the guests don't raid the kitchens."
He opened the bedroom door. The corridor outside was brightly lit. He retreated back into the room. Agatha was wearing a navy sweater and black trousers and he was in a black sweater and black trousers. "It's very bright out there," he said, "and we look like a couple of burglars. Do you think we should put on our dressing-gowns and then we can claim we were searching for food? They must be used to that."
"They will wonder what we are doing searching for food in their files. Perhaps if we put something ordinary on. We both have jogging suits. We can say we were out for a run. We can say, if we're caught, that we are paranoiac about our private lives and wanted to see what was on file, something like that."
"All right," said James, starting to take off his trousers. Agatha felt obscurely miffed that he should undress so unselfconsciously in front of her.
She herself changed into a scarlet jogging jacket and trousers in the bathroom. She did not want James to see any of the middle-aged body he had rejected.
Her face looked wan in the fluorescent lights of the bathroom. Perhaps just a little foundation cream and a bit of powder. Maybe a bit of blusher. That new shade of red lipstick would go nicely with her jogging suit. She was just reaching for the mascara when James's impatient voice sounded from the other side of the bathroom door. "What are you doing, Agatha? Are you going to be in there all night?"
"Coming." Agatha regretfully abandoned the mascara and went out to join him. As she followed him out into the corridor, she realized again that the metabolism of Agatha Raisin did not thrive on health food. She was sure she had bad breath and her stomach was full of gas. She fell back behind James, cupped her hands and breathed into them, but James looked over his shoulder and demanded, "What are you doing now?" and Agatha mumbled, "Nothing," fell into step beside him and prayed to all the gods who look after middle-aged ladies that she would not fart. The silence in the building was absolute.
They reached the hall without having met anyone or heard anyone.
When they reached the office, James murmured, "It's a simple Yale lock. A plastic credit card might do it." He took one out of his pocket and fiddled away while Agatha stood behind him, hearing the vague rumbles in her own stomach. Lights were blazing everywhere. She had brought a torch, but both the hall and the office were brightly lit. There was a click and James gave a grunt of satisfaction and opened the door.
"Where do we start?" whispered Agatha, looking at the computers. "One of those?"
"They've got those old-fashioned filing cabinets. I bet the records about the time of Jimmy's visit are still in one of those." He tried a top drawer of one. It slid open easily. "Good," he muttered. "Let's hope there's something under Raisin." He searched all the files in both cabinets without finding anything.
"Now what?" he asked.
"Try under Gore-Appleton," urged Agatha. "Jimmy could never afford a place like this, so it stands to reason she would make the booking and pay for it."
He grunted and went back to his searching while Agatha stood looking through the office window into the hall in case anybody came.
At last he said, "Got it! Gore-Appleton, 400a Charles Street, Mayfair. Booking for a Mr. J. Raisin. August 1991."
Agatha groaned. "But how do we find out who was resident at the same time?"
"Damn, I didn't think of that. We signed a book, a register. It was a fairly new one. The old ones must be somewhere."
"What about that cupboard over there?"
"Locked," said James. "But simple to pick."
Agatha waited while he fiddled with the lock, growing more nervous by the minute. Surely their luck could not continue to hold. And would she hear anyone coming? The whole place was thickly carpeted.
"Here we are," said James. "1991. Now, August." He took a small notebook out of his pocket and began to write.
"Hurry up," pleaded Agatha.
"That's it," he said after a few more agonizing minutes. "Let's put it all back and lock up."
Agatha heaved a sigh of relief when they were outside the office and back in the hall.
"What did you get?" she was asking when a smooth voice from the direction of the stairs made them both jump.
"Is there anything you need?" Mr. Adder, in a black dressing-gown with a gold cord, his eyes gleaming behind his spectacles.
"No, no," said James airily. "Just been for a run."
"Indeed," said Mr. Adder, approaching them, his eyes fastening on the notebook which James was shoving back into his pocket. "How did you get outside? The doors are locked at midnight."
"Up and down the stairs," said Agatha. "Up and down the stairs?"
"I am so silly," gushed Agatha. "I have these step things at home. You know, one of those exercise machines. Well, it's vanity. I really wanted to be trim and fit for my medical in the morning, so I said to James, "Let's run up and down the stairs." They are so thickly carpeted, I knew we wouldn't disturb anyone."
Mr. Adder's eyes were uncomfortably shrewd. "You are therefore in better condition than I would have believed, Mrs. Raisin. You are not out of breath, neither are you sweating."
"Oh, thank you!" said Agatha. "I must really be quite fit, although I do confess to feeling a teensy bit tired. Bed, darling?"
"Good idea," said James. "See you in the morning, Mr. Adder."
He blocked their way. "You must not try to run your own programme or this whole stay will be a waste of your money and our time. Do not wander about during the night."
"Right," said James, putting an arm around Agatha's shoulders. They walked around Mr. Adder.
Agatha looked back as they gained the stairs. Mr. Adder was trying the office door to make sure it was locked.
"Phew," she said, when they were back in their room. "Think he swallowed that?"
"No, but he probably thought we were looking for the kitchens but tried the office door just to be sure. Now I chose the names out of the register of the people who live near Mircester who were here at the same time as Jimmy." He flipped open the notebook. "We have Sir Desmond Derring-ton and Lady Derrington, a Miss Janet Purvey, and a Mrs. Gloria Comfort. When we get out of here, however, the first thing we do is to go up to Charles Street in London and see if Mrs. Gore-Appleton is still at the same address. Then we'll start on these names."
"Have you paid for the whole week in advance?" asked Agatha.
"Yes."
"So don't you think we should stay the whole week and get our money's worth?"
"I should die of boredom," said James, turning away to pick up his pyjamas and so missing the look of naked hurt in Agatha's eyes. "May as well both get our medical check-up, have a swim or a massage or something, and then get the hell out of here."
Agatha found at her medical the following morning that her blood pressure and cholesterol levels were both a bit high. After a breakfast of muesli and fruit, she looked at her programme and went to the masseur to be pulled and pummelled, then a sauna and then to the gym for the morning's aerobics.
James was already there. The class was led by a blonde with long, long legs and a staggeringly beautiful figure. Agatha panted and sweated, aware the whole time that James's eyes were fastened on the vision leading the class. From wanting to stay on the whole week, she suddenly couldn't wait to get out of the place. After the class was over, she fidgeted impatiently while James chatted to the blonde instructress.
Over a meagre salad lunch and fruit juice, James looked at his own programme. "Going easy on me for the first day," he said. "Not much this afternoon. Like to go for a swim?"
Agatha had a sudden mental picture of her own body set against the glory of that of the instructress. She shook her head. "I thought we should be getting on with our investigations."
"Right you are," he said easily. "But I thought you wanted to stay."
