by MC Webb
I spent evenings talking with Nana. By this time I did not pay attention to my drug use. I began to pop pills when my body needed them. My body began to rely on them more than my mind. I should have been concerned with this, but I wasn’t. I bought whatever was on hand. I didn’t know their names, only their color and what was for sleep or daytime. I was up to at least ten pills a day.
I had money from the allowance I was given every month plus babies I helped with. Add to that Lana’s discounted drugs and I was in good shape. I cared nothing for shopping and spending, so I saved whatever I didn’t use for gas and school for the latest baggies of whatever my best friend could get a hold of.
I knew I would never be rich being a midwife, but again, money had very little value to me. We did not shop a lot. We stored most of our own food. Nana taught me how to cook every night, whether I wanted to learn or not. I sat on a counter as Nana coached me, forever coaching me—how to knead dough, how to press pastas, how to tie up a turkey. Every day had a lesson.
I began to worry for Nana. She was in her late-sixties, and her rich peach-colored skin had turned grey over the last few months. She was often short of breath. I was useless. I tried to get her to a doctor. I begged, but she blamed it on all the excitement.
“I’m only tired, love. Now go do your homework, please,” she would insist.
One particular day, she was trying to help me as I delivered Teresa Humphrey’s twins. The dad was ridiculous and no help at all.
All of a sudden, Nana was saying, “That’s a good girl. Come on now,” and then broke off, as if she forgot what she was going to say. She stumbled to a chair, looking like her vision had vanished.
“Nana!” I screamed, but she waved at me to continue with Teresa and her frantic husband. I finished and got them comfortable for the night, and then I demanded Nana go to the doctor. I would not take no for an answer this time.
After much arguing, we arrived at the ER. Nana looked terrible. I was terrified. I took three Percocet to help me stay calm, but the fear stayed in knots in my gut.
Hours later, the doctor delivered the news in a dry, unhopeful voice. Nana had a mass on her colon that had attached itself to the wall of her uterus. It was in her lungs, liver, and spreading quickly to her brain. Her body was consumed by it. I stood still, as the doctor looked at me sorrowfully. I wondered if he had treated me years ago. He continued to tell me about the treatment, and then the dreaded news that there were likely only six weeks at the most before it killed her completely. I blinked rapidly, as if we could disappear from this room and be normal and happy.
This was not happening. They had made some kind of mistake. Please, God, let this be a mistake, I prayed. But we stood in the room, with its funny smells and too-bright lights.
When the doctor finished saying whatever he was saying, I sat rigid and cold. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t hear. All of my senses were shut down except the callused hand of my grandfathers in mine.
We both were shown to Nanas room. I forced my eyes in focus and my ears to hear. When they wanted to admit her, Nana nearly fought them.
“Please, do what they want,” I begged.
Nana turned her clear blue eyes on me and I went still inside at the sternness in them.
“You will not allow me to spend whatever time I have left on this earth in this foul place. Take me home, love. I want to be in my own bed, watch the sunrise from my own pillow.”
Her eyes left mine and settled on a place behind me. It was Papaw she pleaded with, and I knew, as always, he would do anything to give her what she wanted.
She was prescribed powerful medicines, and sent home to die. Nothing could be done. A nurse would come to check on her, but that was it. Only death would cure her.
Papaw and I carried Nana to her bed. I called Nathan and explained the best I could. He promised to be home by lunchtime the next day. I made Nana her favorite tea and biscuits, but she didn’t eat. I slept in her room, on a pallet on the floor. I never once heard Papaw’s snores. I knew he would not sleep. He would watch her through the night, and then doze in his favorite chair in the grand room.
In the morning, I woke to find Nana sitting up, looking down at me sweetly. Her graying hair framed her face, and the fine lines around her eyes showed up in the sunlight. She smiled at me.
“Go wash up, love. We need to talk,” she told me seriously.
I took a Valium and brushed my teeth. I called Jean-Paul, but didn’t get an answer. I glanced at my calendar. He would be here in a couple of days. He must be on the road now. I fixed toast and honey, poured coffee, and climbed the steps to Nana’s room.
I found her dozing, with her head on the pillow, softly snoring. I set the tray down, and walked to the window. I loved this place. The mountains were all around us. At any given time you could spot a deer or bear in the distance. Papaw placed electrical fencing in areas that kept most wildlife, primarily the black bears, away from the house.
It was late April, and the trees were filling out with their light green leaves. They would be tropical green in a few weeks, when the humidity was upon us. I could see a fox with its young in the distance. The woods were alive today. I turned to see Nana watching me.
“Hey,” I said smiling.
She looked so pale and weak. The grey tinge of her skin unsettled me. I went to the tray on the bed, and held out some coffee to her.
“Want some?” I asked.
She raised a hand to take it. How had I not noticed how thin her arms were? Because I wasn’t paying attention. I was busy with my own misery. Guilt bubbled in my throat. I hated and resented my drug use for the first time. I got my own cup, and sat cross-legged on the bed in front of her. We sipped coffee for a moment, and then Nana gave me a serious look.
“Piper, I need to speak, and you need to listen. Okay, love?”
I nodded, knowing I wasn’t going to like whatever she was about to say. Nana breathed deeply.
“I’ve known for a few weeks I was sick. I knew I was going to die from this.”
I started to speak, and she shot up a hand and closed her eyes. I fell silent and waited for her to continue.
“This is life, Piper. No use fighting it. You get what you get. You have to obey God, be good to your family, and then it’s over. I thought my life was over when your daddy died. I do not like to speak of pain in front of you because you have so much of your own.”
I shifted uncomfortably. I thought I had her fooled by now. Of course I didn’t. She looked out the window and continued.
“I’m not sad, love. I’ve had a beautiful life. Your daddy passing nearly killed me. Then when we couldn’t find you,” she paused, remembering that time. “When we couldn’t find you, it hurt beyond any words I can give you, but even more than hurt, I was consumed with fear, and fear is about the strongest emotion a person can have.”
She looked back at me with watery eyes now.
“Don’t be afraid, Piper. You were a blessing to us from the moment you were born. You’re a blessing now. When the good Lord calls me home, I don’t want you to stop living again, the way you did when Matthew went. That boy’s in heaven, and the fact is, I’m going to see him and your daddy sooner rather than later.”
I was crying now, not standing the thought of it.
“Piper, there’s something else I need to tell you, honey. I should have told you already, but I hated to make you feel worse than you already do.”
Nana paused and reached for two Kleenex on her bedside table then placed one in my hand and blotted her eyes with the other.
“When you were found, when you were in the hospital, the doctors told me you would probably never be able to have children. Carrying a baby that young messes up your insides.”
She looked at me sadly.
“Your body withstood much damage. Matthew knew. He was with us when the doctors told us. In fact, that boy rarely left the hospital.”
She shook her head and let me take all this in.
M
atthew knew. Another reason to love him. He would have married me, knowing we couldn’t have children. One more reason to hate Daniel. As if I needed another.
“Okay,” is all I could say.
She was dying. I wasn’t about to add to her pain by telling her I knew I was diseased, to the point of being a freak. Daniel told me already. No, I just listened. Nana talked and talked, until her voice was nearly hoarse.
I wasn’t to feel bad she told me or question God. I was to remain faithful that all would be well and God does all things perfectly. We sat together and talked the day away. Her wish was for me to find peace in my heart. She admitted she knew I didn’t love Jean-Paul the way a woman loves her husband, but he could take care of me and our home, if that’s what I wanted.
She said she wanted to be buried in the pale pink dress at the back of her closet. It was a dress she wore when she danced with Papaw, while still in Germany. She would write her family in her hometown and tell them good-bye.
Then there was nothing more to do but wait. I cried myself to sleep that night. I heard Nathan come into my room. He stood for a while as I pretended to sleep. I couldn’t talk to him. I was emotionally drained. Lana came over and got in my bed early the next morning. I doubted she’d even been home. We shared a joint after breakfast and spent time with Nana, playing cards and listening to her stories. When Jean-Paul arrived that weekend I was nearly shocked by how coldly he greeted me.
“I called. No one answered,” he told me flatly
“Nana isn’t well, I have barely left her room.” I began to say, but was caught off guard by his hand squeezing my arm.
“You are supposed to answer when I call,” he said through clenched jaw.
“Jean-Paul, you’re hurting me.”
I tried pulling away only to be gripped tighter. A tense moment of warning hung in the air, and I searched his face to see if he were actually serious.
The phone rang, and like someone had flipped a switch behind his eyes, Jean-Paul loosened his hold on me. For a moment I had the impression he would have slapped me had he not been interrupted. Slowly he patted my arm and smiled.
“I only worry is all, I’m sorry. I don’t know my own strength sometimes.”
He assured me he was truly sorry and didn’t realize he had squeezed so hard. He urged me to explain what had happened during his absence. I let the incident go as the attention needed to stay on Nana. Jean-Paul sat and talked with Nana for hours. He called for me to join them for a minute, telling me that we should be married right away. I had completely forgotten my wedding plans. My graduation. Life was on hold. All that mattered was Nana. I agreed not at all certain what I was agreeing to.
We, or Jean-Paul rather, decided we’d get married the following Sunday after church. I wanted Nana to be with me on my wedding day. I wanted to give her peace as she was leaving me. I told myself it was the right thing to do. Nathan grudgingly agreed. He had sores all over his arms. He tried to keep them covered, but I saw them when he was shirtless in front of the mirror. When I asked what they were, he said he had had an allergic reaction to a cleaner.
I left it at that, but something was definitely up with him. Truth is, none of us paid attention to much of anything but Nana. She was all that mattered, as we were all that mattered to her.
Jean-Paul and I were married that Sunday. We had a small, simple ceremony. Lana was my bridesmaid, and Maurice was the best man. Papaw walked me down to the pastor on the porch of our home. Nathan hovered in the doorway in a sour mood. We said our vows in front of our little family. When all was done, I helped Nana back to bed. I wanted her to rest and preserve her strength.
On my way down the steps, standing in the front doorway, looking as if he were out of place was Josh. Happiness flooded me, nearly knocking me to my knees.
“Josh!” I screamed and leaped into his open arms.
I knew I missed him, but I had no idea how much till that moment. He squeezed me tight, and buried his face in my hair. Of all the chaos and upside down way life was leading me, that moment in those huge arms, was my normal. Josh was the only thing that made perfect sense to me.
“God, Piper, you’re gorgeous!” he said holding me at arm’s length, and I beamed, drunk on his sweet smell.
“I’ve missed you so much, Josh. Please tell me you’re staying for a while.”
He smiled at me, looking for an instant like his older brother, making my heart ache.
“For a while, yes. Practice starts up soon, but for now, I’m yours,” he said, and I hugged him again.
Foolishly, I began to cry on his shoulders. Josh felt my body wilt and hugged me tighter.
“Hey, what’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to see me,” he said in my ear.
“Oh my God, Josh. I am so happy you’re here.” I sobbed now shaking.
Josh held me until I finally calmed. Pulling away he kissed my forward and raised a rough hand to wipe my cheek.
“Feel better?” he teased.
“A little.” I smiled and wiped my eyes.
When finally I was cleaned up I led Josh to the grand room, where a few guests remained. I detected a note of ice when Jean-Paul greeted Josh. It was strange to me, because I was so used to his kindness.
Jean-Paul never once showed indifference, but I saw a glimpse of it then. Josh must’ve ignored it, certainly wasn’t bothered by it. We got caught up on his parents and grandpa. He and Nathan talked about projects that were coming up. Josh would attend the University of Florida.
“It’ll be nice to play in the South Eastern Conference,” he said with pride.
I looked out of one of the huge windows in our grand room. My heart longed for Matthew. We would be married now, or close to it. He could have studied Nana’s cancer and come up with a cure. The world lost a wise and unique man when Matthew left us.
What was wrong with me? I’d just married a man, and here I was still grieving another. Josh touched my cheek with the back of his hand. I looked at him, tears in my eyes now. We carried the same sorrow. I wore it like a coat most days, and now Nana was leaving me too.
I had to admit I felt better with Josh near. I learned some of their family property was being sold. Old Mr. Logue refused to sell to anyone who had any plans other than farming the land.
“He’s stubborn, but I can’t blame him,” Josh told me.
After Nana woke from napping, Josh sat with her a while. I stayed in the hallway and listened as they talked about me.
“She’s tough as nails, Josh, but her heart is as soft as cotton,” Nana was saying.
Josh chuckled.
“Yes ma’am. Piper is special for sure,” Josh said, and I had to grin at the sarcasm in his voice.
“You’ll check on her from time to time? Make sure she’s happy and safe?” Nana asked seriously.
“I promise, Mrs. Mitchell. I will,” Josh told her, as if taking a vow.
I rolled my eyes at this, but it didn’t bother me. It was only natural Nana wanted some reassurance of my safety.
“I have a funny feeling, Josh,” Nana started.
Then she had to stop and catch her breath. It tore at my heart to hear her struggle, and I had to fight the urge to go in the room.
“I can’t put my finger on it, but I have a strange feeling about Jean-Paul. Like he’s got demons he has to fight or something,” Nana told Josh in a low voice. “You mustn’t think me a crazy person. I just want you to be aware of it.”
Josh then spoke in a low voice, and I had to strain to hear it.
“I’ve never spoke of this, ma’am, but he’s a bit odd to me. Piper ever mentioned anything unusual?”
Now I was feeling paranoid. What were they seeing in Jean-Paul that I wasn’t? I absently touched my arm knowing the answer.
“Oh, Lana has been giving Piper medicine to help her not feel so worried all the time. Piper will eventually have to start feeling again. She’s such a good girl. If she thinks him anything other than a gentleman, I don’t know about it,”
Nana said.
Before I could hear how Josh would respond to that, Papaw called for me from the kitchen. I tiptoed away from the doorway.
Truth was, I was unnerved by Nana knowing I was taking pills, and the funny feeling, almost of confirmation, about how Jean-Paul was perceived by both Nana and Josh.
I had to store that away to think about later because Papaw had nearly set the kitchen on fire using the microwave. He was trying new things, at least new to him, and for now, he was proving that you really can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I sighed and patiently began to explain why a metal cup can’t be placed in a microwave.
chapter fifteen
Before we said good-bye, Josh handed me a piece of paper.
“This is yours,” he told me smiling.
Excited, I opened and read. I read and reread.
“What’s this mean, Josh?”
I understood what it said, but I didn’t understand why I was reading it.
“It’s yours, Piper. My parents wanted you to have it. It joins your land anyway, so no big deal.”
He shrugged and pretended not to notice my tears. I hugged him, crying hard on his shoulder.
“Hey, now, you’re going to ruin the threads,” he teased me.
“Thank you. Please tell your parents and Mr. Logue thank you. It’s too much really.”
He kissed my forehead, and I watched him go, wishing with all my heart he would stay. As soon as the door had shut behind him, I ran up the stairs to Nana’s room to show her what I had.
I knocked softly and opened the door not waiting on a reply.
“Guess what,” I said, waving the paper around.
“You got a puppy,” she said with a giggle.
“No. The Logues gave me the blue barn!” I said, as if I’d just won the lottery.
Nana’s face went soft.
“Oh, Piper. That is so nice of them.” She put on her glasses and read the property note. The barn and the land between it and our land was mine. She looked up with tears in her eyes.
“They always wanted you to find your way home. Then and now,” she said, smiling.
