by Bridy McAvoy
“Sorry, it’s mugs. Don’t run to proper cups and saucers.”
“Again, don’t worry. Got the T-shirt on it. I’ll let you into a secret. Your flat is a lot tidier than Jack’s ever was.”
“It’s not always this tidy.”
“I’m not making an inspection. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“About?”
“My daughter. What did you think?”
“I don’t know what you think you can achieve.”
“I think you need to do some listening.”
I nodded. I didn’t really want to, but my foster mother had taught me manners, and Caroline Lane had made the journey to see me. “Okay. I’ll listen.”
“Good, because you don’t have a lot of time.”
“Oh?”
She smiled, but there was a wellspring of sadness behind that smile. “Penny’s leaving in the morning. I don’t think she’ll be back.”
“Leaving?”
“Yeah, too many memories for her in that house. Frank, of course, but mainly of you.”
“Me?”
“I listen to her every night, crying herself to sleep because of what she did to you, because she’s lost you. It’s not pleasant for a parent to hear that.”
“I guess not.”
“And I can tell you’re hurting too.”
“I’m okay.”
“Bollocks, Gareth. I can see it in your face. You must have lost half a stone. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping.”
“Where’s she going?”
She chuckled softly, no real mirth there. It still sounded very similar to Penny’s laugh. It brought a lump to my throat. “Stop changing the subject. She’s going to Leeds in my stead. To stay with her aunt and uncle to help look after her nephews for a couple of months. Then she’s going to look for a job.”
“But what about her college course?”
“She won’t go back. The college will graduate her with a pass under extenuating circumstances. She’s earned enough credits for that. She was aiming for a distinction, but she’d need to complete the course for that. As I said, she won’t go back.”
“And her job?”
“The same. She won’t return there, it reminds her of Frank.”
“I don’t know what you hope to achieve here then. Surely I’ll remind her of Frank.”
“Maybe, maybe not. But are you prepared to take a chance?”
I closed my eyes for a second. I knew what she was asking. She wanted me to try and patch things up with Penny. Not just for her daughter’s sake, but theirs as well. Penny was leaving, and they were scared of losing her for good.
“I… I can’t.”
She put her mug down on the floor next to the couch, then took mine from my hands and put it down too. She grabbed my hands and made me look into her face.
“I need to explain some things to you about your girlfriend.”
“Ex.”
“Maybe, but you need to listen.”
“I said I would, but no guarantees beyond that.”
“I can’t ask for more.”
“Where’s Mr. Lane?”
“Sitting with Penny. He knows I’m here, she doesn’t. We’ve not left her alone all week. Jack will be driving her to Leeds tomorrow. Again, making sure she’s not alone. We’ve had to do that before.”
“I don’t mean her any harm, you know?”
“You’re a good lad, Gareth. We were happy to think Penny had found someone to finally make her happy.”
“But then she—”
“She reacted to some things from her past. Things you don’t know about. That evil, twisted bastard didn’t know what he was doing, but he pressed some buttons he didn’t know existed—you didn’t know existed. They asked Jack if he wanted to be a pall bearer, you know? Do you know what he said?”
“No.”
“He said the only way he’d do the job was if they allowed him to throw the coffin off a fucking cliff.”
“Oh.”
“In twenty-six years of marriage, I’ve only heard Jack swear like that on two other occasions.”
“I’d have helped him push it off that cliff too.”
“I’d have chopped him into little fucking pieces first, then fed him to the fish. I’d have preferred him to be alive when I did it, too.” Her vehemence surprised me, but it was nonetheless heartfelt. “Penny has told us a lot over the last few days—the whole sad story.”
“I see.”
“That ambulance woman was right, you should have heard the story before you judged her.”
“It’s easy to say, but not so easy to do.”
“Sure. But you bear some responsibility for it.”
“I do?”
“Yeah. We’re not judging you, Gareth, but it was your idea to get her to tease you by stripping in a lit window while you watched from the garden. You didn’t know at the time that Frank was watching as well.” She paused and watched me for several seconds. “You already knew that, though, didn’t you?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, Penny thought you knew, at least some of it from the night everyone watched the big football match. Frank thought you were asleep, but she wasn’t so sure. Afterward, when he left, and she jumped on your lap naked, she thought you had an erection too quickly. You heard them, didn’t you? You watched her strip for him in the kitchen?” She paused again. “I can see in your face that she’s right. You did know. You could have stopped it there and then and, as it happens, you should have!”
“I guess… I guess I should say sorry.”
“No, Gareth. Don’t apologize to me. Don’t apologize to Jack either. It’s not easy to talk about my daughter’s sex life, but neither of us blame you.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I think you had a little fantasy in your head, and so did Penny. Frank had something else in mind, and in the end the excitement pushed the stupid, alcoholic lecher over the edge. Do you want to know who we blame? Ourselves. It was our fault.”
“Your fault? How do you work that one out?”
She motioned for me to sit back. “Let me tell you about Pen. I don’t think she ever told you any of this.”
* * * *
When Jack was a child, there was one program on TV that he and all his friends loved to watch. Thunderbirds, the puppet show. You’ve probably seen the live action remake a few years back. Well, the puppet show was the business for kids like Jack. There was one particular character that made an impression on my husband. Jack grew up in a tenement, with very little. I know you were in care, but his upbringing wasn’t much better, even if it was within a family.
Jack loved the idea of Lady Penelope, swanning around in all her svelte glamour, in a pink Rolls Royce. From an early age he insisted he would call his daughter Penelope—if he couldn’t give her the Rolls he’d give her the name. When we found out I was having a daughter, the name was a given. I know it sounds stupid, but that’s why we did it. And yes, we know, now, we were stupid to do it. We never ever gave a moment’s thought to the short form being Penny, let alone made the connection to that Beatles track. Unintentionally, we made our daughter’s school life hell from the age of five all the way through. She was bullied from the first day at school to the last. They never let up. We tried, the various schools tried, but nothing would stop it for long.
Even now, any time anyone plays any—and I do mean any—Beatles song, she’ll leave the room.
As she grew up she became quiet and withdrawn. Not timid, but reserved, and she never formed any real friendships—they were all too busy bullying her to be her friend.
We hoped that getting away into the more adult world would help her so we were happy when she got a place at Uni. She rang us that first weekend to say she’d been asked on a date! She was ecstatic, then the following day rang us in tears. Her date had expected her to put out, and when she’d refused he’d called her all sorts of things. So she gave away her virginity, both oral and vaginal, to an immature oaf who gave her not
hing in return. She felt like shit. Can you imagine what it was like for her to tell me that? Can you imagine what it was like to hear it? And then I had to tell her dad!
Four weeks later things got worse. She went out with some friends, and they met up with a group of lads. Three of them cornered Penny and flattered her outrageously. In the end, separated from her friends, and by then drunk, she went back to their flat. The three of them fucked her with the lights on and the curtains open, then all three got her to blow them. Apparently, they paraded her around the block of flats, naked, at three o’clock in the morning, and she didn’t object, just laughed with them. Then they took her back inside and started all over again.
She quit Uni and came home the next day, traumatized and ashamed. She didn’t even leave the house for two months. She wouldn’t let us press assault or rape charges. As far as she was concerned, she was drunk, but not too drunk. Jack wanted them named and shamed, but Pen said no.
It took us ages to get her to start to trust people again, let alone men. It was about a year before she finally started to date again. It took a lot of therapy to get her to that point. She’d date a lad a few times, until he pressured her about sex, then she walked away from him.
Therapy also found her a purpose in life and she got a job at the local superstore in town. The first week was a disaster. Every unattached male member of staff, and even some of the married ones, hit on her. She started coming home in tears after what Jack called the white chicken dance. All these guys wanted was fresh meat and to them the naïve, pretty brunette was perfect for the role. Jack blew a fuse. As a union organizer he actually had the area manager’s direct number. The upshot was, the staff at that shop got themselves a stern talking to, and an equality and anti-harassment course. The manager got a rocket and probably lost a sizable portion of his bonus. Penny got a transfer to the smaller branch—fewer staff, especially less lads. She could handle that.
All those experiences had left her open to abuse – we’d failed in raising our daughter. That was our fault, nobody else’s.
After a few weeks, there were just customers hitting on her. Not many, and she found she could cope with those. The shop gave her some security in that respect. Jack had a word with the security guards too. They kept an eye on her, and before long she was popular among the staff. Going to a local college was a good thing too—she could walk away and come home every day.
Then she came home with a smile on her face not long after starting college. “Mom, I’ve met someone, he’s cute.” We assumed it was another student, but you’d asked her out while she was working. The only time she ever said yes to a customer at that shop.
We watched the way your relationship brought out a new Penny, the real Pen. She smiled more, more than she had as a child. To be fair, we waited for the other shoe to drop, the moment you made a move on her that crossed her self-drawn line, and you’d be gone and she’d be back to her old solemn self.
Somehow, somewhere down the line, something different happened. We didn’t pry, and we won’t now. She came home one night with a beaming smile on her face and she was almost bouncing off the walls, she was so happy. Then she disappeared upstairs for a shower, something she never did before bed. I’m ashamed to say I checked the laundry basket before I went to bed. The evidence was unmistakable.
We did what we could to protect her relationship with you, and we made a point of welcoming you into our house, keeping our fingers crossed that you wouldn’t miss-step, never guessing our neighbor, the man we’d called a friend for many years, was the bastard who would do that instead.
* * * *
“So, you see, Gareth, we don’t blame you at all. We don’t blame Pen. We blame ourselves.”
“I see.”
“So, I just wanted you to understand a few things about our Pen, to see why she was vulnerable to the manipulation from that evil bastard.” She sighed and rose to her feet. “I’m not asking you to take her back, but I would like you to at least let her know she’s forgiven.”
She walked to the door and I hastened to rise and let her out. I couldn’t speak, the words wouldn’t form. I guess she realized that. The tight smile didn’t reach her eyes. Eyes that expressed a blizzard of emotions—compassion mixing with hopelessness.
“Goodbye, Gareth. Thank you for listening.” She was gone, closing the door behind her before I could say anything to her.
I returned to the couch and sat staring at my dead phone for ages. My mind was in a whirl. All sorts of images flashed through my head. Mostly of Penny, my Penny, my wonderful, sexy, playful, delightful Penny.
Caroline Lane’s efficient, almost emotionless delivery had touched something deep inside me. I knew she was hurting, it had cost her a lot to talk to me like that. To reveal things about themselves, and above all about Penny, couldn’t have been easy. It was desperation driving her, she didn’t want to lose her daughter.
Some of what she’d told me wasn’t new, but some was. I hadn’t dared tell Mrs. Lane how that first time between Penny and I had happened. I hadn’t crossed the line for one simple reason—Penny had decided it was time to cross the line, and dragged me with her. Not exactly kicking and screaming, but she’d initiated it, not me.
Like almost all of my time with Penny, those memories were good ones.
Could I ring her? Could I pick the phone up and speak to her?
I thought about that for a long time as the light from the window slowly faded. In the end, I knew I couldn’t ring. A phone conversation would be too difficult. There was only one thing I could do, but did I have the guts?
As I walked up the road, I realized something too. I had a different solution than Penny’s, one that just might make everyone happy. Would she take it, though? Was she running away from memories of Frank? Or was she running away from memories of me? There was only one way I could find out.
My nerve failed twice on the walk up that hill. I stood still, letting the panic flow through and away. Then I started up again. I guess I waited ten minutes at the corner before I turned into her road. It was silent, almost deserted, just the one car parked in front of Penny’s. I guess that was her aunt’s car. I hadn’t paid any attention to it the week before.
My heart rate was off the scale as I opened the gate and walked the dozen steps up their front path.
Jack answered the door and looked surprised to see me, but he stood aside so I could enter, then closed the door behind me. He didn’t say a word. He just gestured toward the living room.
When I walked in Penny had her back to me, sitting in what was normally her mum’s chair, and I guess staring at the TV in the corner. Her mum, sitting opposite, saw me, and her eyes widened, but she didn’t speak either. Jack came around me and sat on the couch at the far end.
“Who was at the door, Dad?” Penny’s voice was listless, almost lifeless, and I knew in that moment that a week earlier, I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. Could I now put it right?
“It was me, Penny.”
She stiffened, and I saw the way her hands clenched at the armrests of the chair then slowly, so slowly relaxed.
“Hello.”
I walked past her and sat on the couch. She turned to watch me but there was none of the usual life there. She seemed dead-eyed, her face expressionless—a caricature of my vivacious, beautiful girlfriend of a week ago.
“Penny.”
She held her hand up and cut short the little prepared speech I’d mentally rehearsed all the way up the street.
“They told me you sat with me after the ambulance left. Thank you for that. You didn’t have to do that. It must have been hard for you.”
“What else could I do?”
She wasn’t bitter but her next words cut like the sharpest knife. “You could have stayed and talked to me.”
“No, I couldn’t.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Pen…”
“I’m all right, Dad, but I have the right to know why my boyfriend wa
lked away.”
Jack rose to his feet, and as he did so he squeezed my shoulder, then went over to his daughter and kissed her on the cheek. “Your mum and I are going upstairs for a little while, aren’t we, Caroline?”
“Sure.”
“You don’t have to, Dad. I’m fine.”
“No, honey. I think the two of you need some privacy.”
Caroline unfolded herself from her chair and the two left the room. Once they were gone, Penny turned back to look at me.
“Sorry, I probably should have put that better.”
“Don’t apologize. I should have stayed, but I couldn’t.”
“Because you couldn’t deal with what I’d done?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“What then?”
“Because I was too fucking ashamed of myself.”
I watched her react to that. Her eyes clouded, she looked troubled. “It wasn’t your fault, you weren’t here.”
I shook my head again. “Yes, it was my fault. I’m the one who started the stupid showing off games. I played the voyeur and exposed you to the risk of being seen, and he saw you, and everything went from there. If I hadn’t done that…”
“He’d have found some other way to get his hooks into me later.”
“No, Penny, he wouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’d have taken you out of his range.”
She forced a wan smile. “I’ll be out of range of him after tomorrow.”
“I know you’re planning on leaving.”
She looked around. “I can’t stay here. It’s breaking my mum and dad’s heart, but I can’t stay here.”
“Penny… I…”
She brought her attention back to me, but didn’t speak. At least she hadn’t screamed and yelled at me to leave.
“… Penny… I have a different solution.”
“You. You do?”
“Yeah, as I walked up here today, I realized something.”
“What?”
“Last weekend I made a huge mistake. I walked away from the woman I loved because of my own stupid pride. Now she’s about to walk out of my life on a permanent basis. Don’t go to Leeds.”
