by Carol Oates
That’s what my friends tell me, I blurted, twisting in my seat so he couldn’t see me pouting.
You talk to your friends about me? Caleb asked smugly.
My eyes darted back to him, mortified by my slip-up and hoping he hadn’t heard what Chris said about me having a thing for the boss. He was still gazing ahead with a contented smile.
No, I corrected, trying to keep my voice unaffected. My friends talk about you to me.
He smiled, his whole face lighting up, and blew out air. I was glad for even the small distance between us so that I couldn’t feel his warm breath on my face. I interlaced my fingers on my lap, feeling the impulse to rub my leg again.
Are you? My voice broke, making my words sound weak, but he was the one who’d brought it up.
Caleb looked at me for a moment, and in that brief instant I saw his apprehension. My hand’s been forced, he said stoically. I’d always hoped one day I would meet her, the one, but I never expected it to be as complicated — I don’t know how I can continue to deny it. The twinge of pain in my heart suddenly became an ache so strong I wanted to press my hand to my chest. I resisted. Instead I lowered my eyes to my hands so he wouldn’t see the tears that were about to brim over.
Wow! he exclaimed, sounding so relieved my heart ached again. Not as difficult to admit to you as I thought it would be. There it was; I had clear confirmation he belonged to someone else. I didn’t know until now how horrendous it would feel. One tear escaped, running down my right cheek where he couldn’t see. I left it there, knowing it would be far more evident if I wiped it away.
Are you upset? Caleb sounded baffled. I thought you’d be happy it’s finally out in the open.
I couldn’t look at him to see his expression. It took every ounce of my will power and the remainder of my shattered dignity just to lift my eyes to look ahead and sound happy. No, I’m not upset. I paused when my voice was about to break. I’m happy for you, really. I’m sure it must be a relief for you to finally get that off your chest. Then I sighed louder than I’d meant to.
What’s going through your head? He sounded intensely interested, and I could feel his probing eyes on me again.
I was thinking about how much I’m going to miss this town, I lied. It was less humiliating than the truth.
You’re leaving? The alarm in his voice made me turn to him.
London, I forced through a tight throat.
Okay, then, he stated evenly as if he was agreeing with me. I didn’t get his attitude, but I somehow got the impression we were carrying on two completely different conversations. He turned to me and put his hand on my headrest.
Why London?
Why did he have to ask that? I wasn’t up to any more embarrassing conversations, and my reason for choosing London over every other place in the world seemed a bit stupid to most people. I could only imagine what Caleb would make of it. I desperately searched my brain for a suitable substitute for the truth. Caleb’s eyes sparkled at me, burning into me; he wanted to know the truth, and despite myself I had to tell him.
You’ll probably think it’s crazy, I warned him, my cheeks flushing again.
Try me. He grinned and butterflies filled my insides.
I don’t have many memories of my parents. They died in a car crash when my brother and I were very young. My breathing staggered when Caleb shifted in his seat, inching himself nearer to me. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make my heart beat faster. I lowered my gaze again to help calm my breathing. They met in London, I continued. My aunt told me the story. They both grew up near here, but they never met until the summer after they graduated high school when they were both in England on vacation. I peeked up to check if he was still listening, and he was absorbing every word I said. My aunt told me they were just walking down the road one day. It was love at first sight, they just knew — They never had a full day apart again until the day they died. I bit my lip to compose myself.
Caleb sat silently, waiting for me to continue.
I don’t remember my mom ever telling me herself, but she must have the night she died. The very last thing she said before she put me to bed was I should never be afraid of who I am and that she loved me and would always be with me. She told me that she had to leave home to find her home and someday I would too. I remember the feel of her lips on my forehead so clearly. I sighed, touching the spot with my fingertips briefly. You must think I’m insane to travel halfway across the globe because my dead mother told me I should. I looked up to Caleb, watching me mesmerized, as if every word I spoke had great significance to him.
On the contrary, I understand about the lengths someone will go to for family. He chuckled once darkly at something in the conversation or maybe thinking about the lengths he would go to for the blonde.
Anyway, I continued, frowning a little. My aunt told me my mother always said that sometimes home wasn’t where you were born or raised, that sometimes it was a place or a feeling, or a person — My words faded as I remembered the first night we met.
So your parents were soul mates? Caleb asked.
I pursed my lips doubtfully. Hmm, I don’t know about that. Caleb shifted again. He was almost as bad as Amanda for moving about in his seat. He reached out to me, and I realized I was rubbing my leg again.
He placed his hand over mine to stop the movement, his skin so soft and warm it sent tingles coursing up my arm and through my body. I stared at him, disconcerted for a moment, and blinked several times before gathering myself enough to speak.
What? He had just asked me something, but in the fog his touch on my skin created, I didn’t hear. He smiled again, amused by my reaction or my last answer, I wasn’t sure which.
You don’t believe in soul mates? he repeated.
No was the short answer but it simplified it too much.
I’ve always thought the story was a bit sad, I told him.
Caleb pulled his hand away and draped it across his lap, his eyes narrowed. The story?
The one about the perfect beings that were so happy before they were separated and forced to wander the world looking for each other. He blinked in recognition. You’re talking about Plato?
Yes. I tried not to sound too pessimistic; my heartache was still raw.
Did I really need to be discussing love and soul mates with the object of my unrequited affection? What happens if they never find each other, or if they do and one of them is already with someone? I paused thinking how that particular scenario reflected my own situation. Or if one dies and the other is still wandering around aimlessly searching for their true love. Caleb laughed at my insane ramblings, a laugh so vibrant that if it were visible it would be speckled with gold dust. I grimaced at him, but it only seemed to amuse him further.
I’d wager you’re the type of person who needs to read the last page of a book first to see the happy ending implied throughout the story? Yes, I had been known to read the last page first, but I didn’t understand what he was getting at. I pouted childishly, waiting for an explanation to his mirth. The chuckling eased, but he was still grinning.
The elation of finding a soul mate, of being reunited? Becoming one whole again. Right. He was a hopeless romantic and had apparently found his soul mate wandering around New York. At least that’s how it looked by the way he was so enthused. I crossed my arms over my chest petulantly, keeping my fists clenched.
My parents died, I whispered. Not exactly what I’d call a happy ending. Caleb stopped laughing then. Unexpectedly, the hand that was draped across his lap lifted to my face, the back of his fingers lightly grazing over my burning cheek. I flinched away from his touch, but not because I didn’t like it. It felt as though my body recognized it and the nerves beneath my skin reach out to him; it sent shivers down my spine. He dropped his hand back to his lap. Even this small reaction to him seemed to please him immensely.
I’m sorry for laughing; I didn’t mean to offend you. His expression became more serious. You don’t believe souls go on? Tha
t we get to be with the people we love some day for eternity?
You mean like heaven? My brow creased in amazement at the direction our first real conversation had taken.
Caleb’s lips formed a straight line as he pondered my question and then relaxed into a smile again. Not exactly. He paused seeming to consider again. Not in the way you mean, anyway.
We sat quietly for a few minutes staring at each other. Caleb looked like he was taking in every detail of my face. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his. The only sounds were the engine, the music playing low, and the sound of uneven breathing.
I have to go to New York for a few days, he finally said.
I turned sharply to look out the window. He was going to her, and I didn’t want to know.
There are things that can’t wait any longer, Caleb continued, as if I should to know what he was talking about. I watched the beams of the silver moonlight reflect off the black water that lapped against the shore of Curtis Island.
I’ll be back as soon as I can. It sounded like a guarantee. I could tell he wanted me to say something. What could I possibly have to say about his relationship and the reasons he was going back to New York? I’ll see you when I get back, he continued. It was an instruction, a promise phrased like a question. The intent behind it shook me and my heart thudded.
Of course, I told him, turning back to his determined face. I don’t leave until June. I’ll be here.
His smile left me both confused and saddened. Confused about why he wanted to see me again so badly and saddened because I knew it would hurt. I smiled back regardless, unable to have any other reaction to the ecstatic light in his eyes.
Then everything became strange. Neither of us was able to draw our gaze away. The magnetic field that I felt the first night was there between us again, pulling us toward each other. I was stopped by the thought of Caleb having these same feelings when alone with his girlfriend, and I pulled back. My breathing was rapid, and I scrunched my eyes shut tight trying to control it. When I opened them again, Caleb’s back was pressed to the driver’s door, looking at me as if I’d just slapped him.
I’m sorry. He closed his eyes and lowered his head. I don’t know what I’m doing. He twisted properly into his seat and grabbed the wheel again.
He sounded so tormented I wanted to comfort him some way. I didn’t want to accept that he knew that just being so close to him was hurting me.
Do you mean here with me? My words sounded strangled.
No! He looked astounded. No. I mean this whole situation. I’d never — there’s still so much to be agreed. I shouldn’t even be here. My heart was racing again. Well, take me home, then. There was no disguising the hurt I felt.
No!
I looked away, tears were threatening again. What was going on? I didn’t want to be here, but I didn’t want to leave Caleb either. I heard him exhale.
Unless you want to leave? If you don’t want to be here with me? he added reluctantly.
No, I admitted in a hushed voice. I do want to be here, with you. I didn’t turn back to him.
After a few minutes of neither of us saying anything, the music changed on the CD.
I like this one. I commented on the slow ballad that had just started and gazed distractedly out the window at nothing.
I do too, Caleb agreed in a less troubled voice. I can empathize with the guy. He laughed quietly to himself.
Why? Again I was too interested in what he was thinking to care if I stepped over any personal boundaries, but I still didn’t look at him.
He chuckled once bleakly before answering. Well, he’s found himself in a situation with a woman where everything and everyone else in his life has ceased to matter. Nothing exists without her. He can’t find the right words to let her know, and even when they’re in a room full of people — she’s the only thing he sees.
Oh, I murmured. It was the only thing I could think to say while my stomach was twisting so violently. He really does love her.
Dance with me.
I turned to him. He was smiling broadly again.
What, d-dance? I stammered. Here?
He nodded. We have the music and the lights, what else do we need? My heart began to pound rapidly. Heat it’s freezing! I protested.
I’ll keep you warm, I promise. He smiled persuasively and winked. It’s the least I can do, seeing as you missed the dance tonight.
What, give me pneumonia? I grumbled, but he was already out of the jeep and walking over to hold my door open for me.
I quickly pulled my hair loose from the knot at the back of my neck and ran my fingers through it. At least my ears would be warm. The snow crunched under my feet; it was freezing, and I shivered almost instantly.
Caleb held out his hand to me, and I pouted but took it. Like before, I noticed his skin was smooth and warm. He led me around to a patch of ground in front of the jeep where the heat from the engine and the low lights made the cold air swirl like smoke over our feet. Caleb stood inches from me, the lights from the headlights making his golden skin gleam. For a moment, nerves took over and I wasn’t sure where to put my hands, not used to being made to dance on mountain tops.
Triona, Caleb sighed, exasperated after a few moments of my hands waving from his shoulder to his back, to his waist and then back again. He smiled, his eyes creasing, and I was sure it was meant to be reassuring, but instead it just made it hard to breathe.
Sorry, I whispered.
He took my hand in his again and raised it to his chest, just over his heart.
Then he slipped his other hand around my waist to my back, pulling me to him so our bodies were pressed together lightly. Tingles ran up my back as we started to move together slowly. It was effortless; we moved without thinking, like we were made to fit. I slid my hand around to his back and heard him inhale, his face buried in my hair. The scent from his skin was dizzying, and each shallow breath I took was filled with it.
I told you, we have everything we need right here, he murmured. I could feel his lips move against my hair as he spoke.
I knew I should have felt cold, but I didn’t. I couldn’t feel anything except his presence. Caleb twisted the hand that was holding mine so my palm was flat against his body inside his open jacket. His heart was racing, thundering like mine. Was he trying to tell me something? The music slowed, and the words sounded so familiar. I had heard this song before, but that wasn’t the reason. His body was so close to mine it muddled my brain. I couldn’t think straight. Then it hit me like a thunderbolt straight through my body. It was what Caleb said about me, about figuring out what was special.
Caleb, I murmured, barely breathing. I pulled back to look at him, and the depth of emotion in his eyes staggered me. I couldn’t see anything clearly other than the amazing blue, even in the dim light. Was he letting me know it was me that blinded him? The warm air rolled off Caleb’s lips in puffs. I felt the pull between us again; I felt us moving closer. I was suddenly scared. Scared and excited.
Caleb smiled, and as the beat of the music sped up again, he twirled me outward, away from him, until I held onto his hand with my arm outstretched. Adrenaline rushed through every cell in my body. With one fluid movement he pulled me back, twirling, with my hair whipping across my face, until I crashed into his strong muscular body. I laughed and looked up into his smiling face, and all the tension of moments ago evaporated.
My hands rested against his chest, and his arms came around me, holding me close against him. Caleb’s breathing was rough and exaggerated. I was too exhilarated to feel nervous anymore. It was like everything and everyone had disappeared from the world, and it was just the two of us left. He brushed the hair away from my face and then lightly ran his thumb across my smiling lips. I shivered again, and it wasn’t because I was cold. His breath was on my face where his palm curved against my cheek, where his thumb caressed my jaw, where his lips were coming down on mine. My heart was about to burst through my ribcage, and my knees trembled.
&n
bsp; Caleb’s lips were like his hands, soft and warm, softer than seemed possible. His taste filled my head, like new rain, sweet and luscious. His fingers tangled through my hair, holding me to him, and then he pulled away with one last brush of his lips and smiled down at me. I wanted to ask what this meant. What would happen now?
Why did you do that? I asked, gazing into his beautiful, radiant face.
His smile widened, lighting his eyes.
Because I knew I couldn’t not kiss you anymore, he told me, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Then he kissed me again.
Chapter 5
Oblivious
The next morning I was up early, not that I’d slept much. Every time I closed my eyes, the scene up on Mount Battie replayed behind my eyelids. Caleb had dropped me off at home, promising that he would be back in a few days. I was dizzy from the twists and turns between us, not to mention the kisses. He didn’t explain about his girlfriend, and I didn’t ask, but I just wasn’t the type of person who would actively go after someone else’s boyfriend. I prided myself on the fact that I could never be that girl.
I couldn’t allow myself to follow the direction my thoughts had taken last night, that Caleb felt the same way I did. If I continued down that road it would only lead to disappointment. His relationship meant any other outcome was impossible.
I scribbled a note to say I was borrowing Lewis’s pickup for an hour and took a banana from the fruit bowl on the table in the kitchen, leaving the note in its place where it could be easily seen. I was out the door before the rest of the family even stirred. When I got to Amanda’s bedroom, she was still in bed groggy, but awake at least. Amanda’s parents were early risers, so I knew dropping in unannounced wouldn’t be a problem. It was snowing again, and thick heavy flakes covered me from walking up the drive. I threw my damp jacket over the old-fashioned column radiator by the wall before jumping onto the bed beside Amanda.
