by Carol Oates
Good morning.
I didn’t answer and kept my eyes closed, trying hopelessly to stop the flow of time.
I know you’re awake.
I could hear the smile in Caleb’s smooth voice and could feel his warm breath against my face when he spoke. I turned toward the sound of his voice and pressed my hands together under my cheek, blinking my eyes open.
It was so unfair; he looked perfect first thing in the morning. It wasn’t normal. Caleb propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at me with bright gleaming eyes.
I don’t think I am awake yet. I’m still dreaming, I sighed happily.
Caleb lightly skimmed one finger down the length of my face and over my jaw. I was just thinking the same thing.
Maybe I’m not the one suffering delusions, in that case, I said sarcastically. I knew what I looked like in the morning. I’d seen the horror enough times in the mirror.
Caleb gave me a disparaging look and then sighed. I wish you could see yourself though my eyes.
Maybe it’s time for you to take a trip to the optometrist?
I have perfect vision, he informed me smugly.
Before I could say anything else, Caleb reached out and pulled me to him, wrapping me in his arms against his chest and tucking me snugly under his chin. I inhaled his warmth and felt him press his lips against my hair. I felt an inexplicable surge of panic and clung to him, burying my face in the material of his T-shirt, trying desperately to make sense of the thoughts that were rushing through my brain. Caleb’s hand rubbed up and down my arm reassuringly; I was sure he could hear my heart pounding harder. Every breath he took made the panic worse, and when he held me tighter, the shivers made my heart ache. He shifted and lifted my chin so he could look at me. His eyes narrowed, considering what I was sure was the pained expression on my face.
What is it?
I couldn’t breathe. I scrunched my eyes shut, but it only made the pain worse. I opened them again to Caleb’s concerned eyes.
Oh. I gasped in a breath when the origin of my panic became clear.
What? Caleb’s jaw clenched in what I guessed was frustration because he couldn’t understand my sudden mood swing.
You won’t ever leave me, will you? I demanded, panting.
His eyes darted away from me for an instant, then he shifted again so he could pull me to his chest. I wanted to see his eyes, but I couldn’t from this position. I would like to think that we would always be together.
Caleb, promise me you will never leave me again, I pleaded. I couldn’t stand it.
What makes you believe I ever want to leave you? he asked, but even though he spoke casually, he chose his words very carefully.
I struggled from his arms and sat up, looking down at him. I pushed my hair back behind my ears. I was aware from the repressed grin that flitted across his face for an instant before he composed himself that my hair was probably extremely tangled and sticking out in places.
Promise me, Caleb, I repeated firmly. I was acutely aware of what it was like to be with him now and have his presence surround me. I couldn’t bear for him to leave again. I was also beginning to have some understanding of why Caleb had kept his distance for so long. He had more insight into what was going on between us. He knew that once we started down this road there was no going back. There was a connection between us that went beyond love, deeper than physical attraction. We were a part of each other in a way I never dreamed was possible, and he knew it before I did.
Caleb spent a few moments musing over his answer, his expression becoming more conflicted. Then his brow furrowed and he sighed. I promise. I scowled. It would be nice if you looked like you meant it. Caleb’s eyebrows knitted together tightly he was thinking again and then he took my hand and sat up to look me straight in the eye. I promise I will never be far from you again. A wry half-smile shaped his lips. Until the day I die.
And after? I muttered dryly, remembering what he said about being together for eternity. A lifetime wasn’t enough for me anymore.
Caleb pulled me down to lie beside him and kissed me passionately, leaving me breathless.
Even after, I will always be yours.
The panic eased exponentially. I could stay here forever, I murmured against the pale golden skin of his neck.
I could keep you here forever, he countered in a velvety smooth voice.
I jumped when the phone in my bag let out a shrill ring, but I didn’t move from Caleb’s side. Instead I snuggled into him further.
Maybe you should get that, he suggested. That’s the third time. That surprised me. I didn’t normally sleep that heavily. Really? I slid from the bed, dragging myself away from him, and went to retrieve my phone. It had already stopped ringing, so I flipped open the lid, enjoying that Caleb never took his eyes off me. There were three missed calls and one text message which I opened. Oh, crap.
What’s the matter? Caleb asked, lying against the pillows at his back with his hands behind his head.
I glanced over at him, and then looked a second and third time, to which he smiled a wide, breathtaking smile. He really was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.
I have to go, I moaned. There are two calls from Carmel, one from Jen, and a text from Ben.
Caleb jumped off the bed and approached me. The sight of him walking, just walking, distracted me; there was something about the way that he moved, like everything else he did, it was just a little bit different from everyone else, just a little bit better.
Well? he prompted.
I blinked twice. Busted.
My stomach twisted as I drove down the street to my house. The one word message from Ben was enough to tell me Carmel and Lewis knew I didn’t stay at Jen’s. I phoned Jen, and she explained that when Carmel couldn’t reach me that morning she’d called Jen’s house, and Jen’s mom told her I wasn’t there. Now, Carmel and Lewis were waiting at home to ambush me.
My eyes flickered to the rear view mirror to check if Caleb’s black jeep was still tailing me. It was. Caleb had insisted on coming home with me, saying that after all, it had been his suggestion that I stay. He seemed to be under the misapprehension that it mattered who suggested it and that the wrath of my aunt and uncle would be less severe if he was there. I had a feeling it would be worse. I also had the unenviable task of preparing myself for the mortification of being chastised in front of Caleb, but I couldn’t talk him out of it.
I pulled into the driveway behind Carmel’s red Chrysler, and Caleb parked across the end of my car, blocking me in, so there would be no quick escape if I decided to storm out. Again, he was at my door holding it open before the hum of the engine died.
I was extremely conscious of the fact Caleb held my hand as we walked to the door, his fingers interlacing with mine. I made a weak attempt to wiggle my hand free but was met with too much resistance for any success.
I peeked at him from the corner of my eye; his expression was perfectly calm and assured. So, we went straight into the kitchen where Lewis and Carmel were sitting at the table.
Carmel was red-eyed from crying and had her hands wrapped around a coffee mug as if she were using it for support. Lewis immediately stood up, pushing his chair back with a screech on the tiled floor, and Carmel’s anxious eyes repeatedly darted between Caleb and me.
Before you start I began. I had a speech prepared about being eighteen and an adult.
Don’t, Lewis cut in furiously, his face flushed with anger. Have you any idea how worried we were? he raged, glaring at Caleb.
I recoiled in shock. Lewis had never once, in the whole time Ben and I lived here, raised his voice to me in anger, not once. Caleb squeezed my hand reassuringly.
I suppose we don’t have to ask where you were, Carmel added curtly, staring at her mug.
Obviously, Ben hadn’t already confirmed their suspicion.
I apologize, Caleb said sincerely. I’m afraid this may have been an error of judgment on my part.
Carmel’s fretful ey
es met Caleb’s, and she gripped the mug tighter until her knuckles paled. Her eyes widened slightly. Something about Caleb bothered her his voice, his eyes, the very things that fascinated me. Her eyes flashed to me and then back to the mug.
No, I blurted before anyone could say anything else. It was my decision to lie to you, not Caleb’s. I’m sorry, but you didn’t give me a choice. Lewis’s eyes fell on our locked hands. How long has this been going on? He was livid and frightening. I’d never thought Lewis could be frightening; he was always so kind and warm. Now, his face blazed with fury, and his fists clenched by his side.
I cringed. If this was what it was like to bring a guy home, I was glad I didn’t do it sooner. I looked to Caleb for an answer, the knots in my stomach twisting further. I couldn’t remember one word of the great speech I had prepared. Caleb’s sapphire eyes sparkled, and I detected a subtle smile at the corner of his mouth for a fraction of a second. I was sure neither Carmel nor Lewis would have seen it, not being as intensely aware of the most minuscule of Caleb’s movements the way I was.
We’ve been involved for some time, Caleb answered proudly. He clearly wasn’t afraid of Lewis, whose hands were now clenching and unclenching repeatedly. Caleb’s answer was true, to an extent.
Carmel continued to glower at the inoffensive white mug.
And what exactly does that mean? Lewis probed suspiciously, his eyes narrowed as he leaned forward to place his knuckles on the table.
Lewis! I squealed, aware of what he was insinuating.
Caleb squeezed my hand again, and his expression was pure innocence.
I assure you I have the utmost respect for Triona. I would never take advantage of her in any way.
I believed him after all, I’d tried unsuccessfully to get him to take advantage of me. I just wasn’t sure he had convinced Lewis and Carmel.
Carmel glanced up at him, her eyes distrustful, and then she just sat there looking defeated. Lewis glared at him for another moment and then began pacing the kitchen. I hadn’t meant to hurt anyone; I’d simply wanted to be with Caleb. My heart gave a small, strangled jolt.
If you both weren’t acting so strange, I wouldn’t have lied, I muttered.
If you treated me like a grown-up
A grown-up! Carmel interrupted incredulously, being careful to look at me and not at Caleb in fact, completely avoiding his gaze. You are in high school; you’re not grown-up. A grown-up wouldn’t sneak around. I could feel tears of embarrassment building. I couldn’t believe Caleb was here to witness my humiliation. My face burned as the first tear overflowed.
I wiped it away quickly, hoping Caleb didn’t see, but I felt his body tense beside me. He missed nothing.
Maybe you should go, I said in a hushed voice. I didn’t want him to; I knew it would bring on the horrible feeling that I was missing something very important.
Yes. You should go, Lewis bellowed, glowering at Caleb.
Are you sure? Caleb whispered near my ear.
Yes, I sighed, although I wasn’t sure at all. After spending all night together, I was afraid this separation would be more painful than any of the others.
I’ll walk you out, Lewis informed him in a loud booming voice.
Caleb turned toward me, placing his free hand at the back of my head and kissing my forehead. I was positive Carmel and Lewis didn’t need to see that, but I needed to feel it before he was gone.
I am yours, he breathed next to my ear.
Caleb’s fingers released mine, and he followed Lewis out of the kitchen, glancing back once over his shoulder to wink at me.
My breath caught, but not in the usual heart stopping way. It was more like Caleb was taking all the oxygen with him and I was choking without him near. I had to resist the urge to run after him. It reminded me of when I was younger and would dive into water and stay under until my body instinctively fought to break the surface. Caleb was my surface.
I slumped into the seat opposite Carmel. She was silent, wearing a pensive expression and turning the mug in circles between her hands.
Finally, and only because I couldn’t bear the silent treatment any longer, I sighed quietly. I’m sorry. I really, really am. Carmel stood abruptly and went to the sink, slamming the mug against the side. Black coffee spluttered everywhere, and I jumped from the loud sound of the ceramic shattering. She kept her back to me, leaning against the sink with her head drooping and her arms straight. We thought you were dead.
Oh, this was getting ridiculous. I didn’t murder anyone or rob a bank; I stayed overnight with my boyfriend, and I was sure I wasn’t the first person to ever do that. I was with Caleb! I protested.
I know, she stated blankly. We don’t want you to see him again.
What? I exclaimed. My heart started to hammer.
Carmel turned and glared at me. Her chest was heaving from the deep breaths she was inhaling. You won’t see him again, and you’ll give up your job, do you understand?
I remained in my seat because I wasn’t sure I could stand; all of a sudden my legs didn’t feel very solid.
N-no, I stammered, weaker than I wanted my voice to sound. I don’t understand, and I won’t do it.
Carmel’s eyes widened; suddenly she looked positively crazed. I took a deep breath, determined to sound firmer this time, but Carmel got there first. And you’re grounded until further notice.
What is wrong with you? I whimpered, tears threatening again. I’m eighteen years old! Isn’t it normal to have a boyfriend? Carmel sucked in air through gritted teeth and looked like she was about to say something, but Lewis came back into the kitchen at that moment and shushed her. I think we all need to calm down and talk about this reasonably, he suggested, standing at the entry to the kitchen. He was remarkably calm considering the temper he had been in when he’d left the room with Caleb. Maybe Caleb had been able to talk him round after all.
I felt a little more confident.
Carmel sat down and so did Lewis. Carmel still looked terribly anxious and her eyes darted to Lewis’s face every few seconds. I surmised she was trying to work out the same thing I was wondering: what had Caleb said to have this effect on him so quickly?
Triona, you lied to us, he started as he placed his hands on the table, interlacing his fingers. I looked down so as not to meet his eyes. I was remorseful, but only about the lie. I knew I was in the wrong for that much. There’s no getting away from it, so there has to be some form of consequence, he finished.
I frowned, keeping my head lowered. I know I shouldn’t have lied, and I’m very sorry, but I’m not going to stop seeing Caleb. I paused. It wasn’t his fault.
That’s not going to Carmel started to counter confidently. I peeked up at her, scowling from under my eyelashes.
Carmel, Lewis interrupted, let’s just talk about this. She glared at him in an irate way I’d never seen her use on anyone, except maybe the doctor from the medical center.
I spoke to Caleb outside, Lewis explained calmly, speaking directly to Carmel. He was very apologetic for causing any worry. I’m convinced, his eyes tightened infinitesimally at whatever double meaning he was conveying to her, he has no idea the stress Triona’s recent injury has caused. This had a marked effect on her expression, easing it noticeably. The muscles, so tightly flexed in her jaw, relaxed visibly.
In fact, he continued deliberately, I sensed he is as concerned about her safety as we are, for his own reasons.
It must have just been me, maybe I banged my head on the ice that day, because ever since then I didn’t seem to be able to follow what anyone was talking about.
Good, I sighed, exasperated, I’m glad we’ve got that sorted. My tone was obliviously sardonic.
Neither of them even acknowledged I’d said anything. Carmel’s eyes widened.
I still don’t want him around, Lewis. I don’t want him anywhere near her.
Triona, go on up to your room, Lewis instructed, keeping his tone and expression firm and even. I’ll be up shortly to speak to y
ou about your punishment.
I’m not a I started contentiously, but he cut me off.
Please, Triona, just do what I’ve asked.
Now it was me who was on the verge of losing it. They had been weird around me for days they’d drugged me, for Pete’s sake. I was the central topic of conversation, but I was being sent to my room like a child.
No, I answered back, holding my head high only to be stared down by Lewis’s steely expression. No, I went on in a slightly more respectful tone. You’re discussing me, and I’m eighteen now. I have a right to be here. Carmel huffed. When you start acting like an adult, we will treat you like one.
The irritation inside me was building, and I rubbed both hands along my thighs roughly. I understood that I was still a few months from finishing school and they had a right to worry, seeing as they were, after all, my guardians. I took a deep breath, because I wanted what I was about to say to come out as assured and confident as possible, but one breath wasn’t enough to calm my thundering heart, so I took a second.
I’m sorry you have a problem with Caleb, I said carefully. It would mean a lot to me if you just gave him a chance. He’s going to be around for a long time, at least as long as I am.
Lewis pursed his lips for a few seconds, measuring my expression, which I kept perfectly calm, apart from my flushed cheeks.
What exactly does that mean? he asked curiously.
I could see Carmel had already worked it out. I lifted my hand to the table and laid it flat, casual. My heart was still beating rapidly and my stomach slowly filled with acid, burning and bubbling inside me. They both knew my nervous habit, and I didn’t want to appear nervous now by rubbing my hand on my knee. I wanted to look like I knew what I was doing.
