by Carol Oates
My eyes fell on Amanda’s lifeless body; the skin on her face was growing paler. What if I tried what I did with the weather? Could I will Amanda back to life? But it was different with the weather. I knew I could do it; there had been no question. I didn’t feel like that now, and everyone would see me fail.
Caleb put one arm around my shoulder and placed a finger under my chin, bringing my eyes up to meet his. They were soft and loving, reassuring. His sweet breath on my face made my heart pound harder.
This isn’t right, Triona. After everything, this can’t be how it ends. He really believed that.
I shifted on my knees, readjusting my position on the grass, and leaned into Amanda slightly, still holding her hand. I placed my other hand where her jacket was bloodstained and ripped, attempting to judge the location of her still heart. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes. In my mind I saw the muscles of her chest knitting and healing, I saw her blood vessels mending, her skin coming together again. I saw her heart jumping and starting to beat again, I imagined hearing the first low, blood-filled thud. I imagined the air being sucked into her lungs, filling and expanding them.
I imagined her body jerking, her fingers moving, and then her eyes blinking open. I exhaled slowly, keeping the picture in my mind’s eye and then cautiously opened my eyes. Amanda still lay there, growing colder by the minute. It didn’t work.
I’m sorry — She’s gone. I allowed my head to fall forward and lifted Amanda’s hand to my face. It felt cool against my hot skin.
Try again, Ben begged, putting his hand on my shoulder. The desperation in his voice cut me to the bone. I couldn’t lift my eyes; I didn’t want to see his disappointment or anyone else’s.
I don’t understand, Caleb murmured to himself.
Try one more time, Ben persisted.
I felt cold, even with the sun out. We were sitting on wet grass, and my clothes were soaked through. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want Ben to look at me, beseeching me to do something I wasn’t capable of doing.
Maybe it’s the Stone. Maybe we need to be nearer it, Caleb suggested, rubbing my arm and creating friction that warmed my skin.
No, I sighed, refusing to look up. The Stone was here. We’re already sitting over the sacred ground where the Stone belongs. I felt it when we got here. The Stone was moved from this spot. My voice broke, trembling.
Triona — Ben’s words trailed off; he seemed unable to beg any longer.
But if it is the Stone Caleb started, trying to convince me.
Caleb, I can’t do it, I just can’t, I broke in, cutting him off mid-sentence.
I heard Caleb’s breath catch, and his fingers tightened on my arm. I looked up. John was approaching hesitantly. He paused for a brief moment near us, his breath coming faster than normal, and then he knelt cautiously on the ground in front of me on the opposite side of Amanda. The blood on his face was drying, staining the collar of his jacket, and his nose was swelling and slightly askew.
I narrowed my eyes at him, waiting. His posture was perfectly straight, his hands were at his knees, and he sat there for an incredibly long minute staring at Amanda. I could hear the hum of whispering from the swelled crowd around us. They were so tightly packed together, I couldn’t see past them to know if there were still more arriving. I hoped not. John smiled.
Triona. His voice was low and his tone was calming. I want to tell you something.
Not now, Caleb growled, his jaw clenched.
John’s eyes flashed to him, defiant and strong. He knew now what Caleb was, what I was, and still he faced up to him — for me.
Wait! he demanded of Caleb.
From the corner of my eye I saw Annice move to go to Caleb, but Samuel held her back with his hand solidly on her forearm. Caleb’s skin came together in deep furrows between his eyebrows, but he didn’t budge.
John turned back to me.
I’ve never believed in destiny, soul mates, magic. John’s eyes flickered over all of us, an amused smile playing at his lips. I know you don’t believe me when I say this, but I do love you. Caleb’s body stiffened, but John ignored his furious glares. Ben’s head was lowered over Amanda again. I could tell from the way his body twitched at each word he was still listening, as was everyone else around us. John, the human, professing his love for a Guardian.
I fell in love with you from the beginning, even before that day I ran after you when you were chasing him. He nodded in Caleb’s direction. I guess that’s how it was from the start. I was waiting for you while all the time you were waiting for him. He laughed lightly to himself. A bit inappropriate, I thought, given the situation.
Caleb flinched beside me. Of course it would hurt him to be reminded of how I couldn’t move on, of how my heart was aching every moment we were apart.
I didn’t want to scare you off, so I played it cool and hoped you’d come round eventually. I know now that was never going to happen. He briefly looked to Caleb again.
I saw traces of jealousy spark in colors from both of them Caleb jealous of the time he missed with me and John jealous of the time he would never have. John’s colors also gave away his fear. Of course, he would be insane if he felt none, given where he was, what he had seen, and who he was with, but I could also read his honesty and his love.
What are you getting at, John? I urged, trying to get to the bottom of his declarations.
What I’ve seen here today, what I’ve seen you do — I winced; it must have been terrifying for him to see me kill Lucien.
It’s time for you to accept that you’ve never been an ordinary person. I noted he didn’t say human being. You are extraordinary you’ve always been extraordinary. You have to see yourself the way we all do. If there is any way to save Amanda, if anyone can make it happen, it’s you. I know you’re scared, but it’s not enough that we believe in you. You have to believe in yourself. You do know what to do. It was almost like a command, and my eyes widened. I hadn’t expected this from John of all people. I realized I was getting used to him trying to drag me away from all this. I turned my face to Caleb. His expression was relaxed, grateful even, and for once he didn’t look like he wanted to kill John. I laid my hand on Ben’s shoulder, and he looked up at me with a question in his eyes.
Everything in my entire life had been leading me here, to this moment of final acceptance about what and who I was. In the depth of my heart, I still carried the doubt that I was not worthy enough or strong enough to carry the weight of responsibility that would inevitably come with it.
Everything I had done to this point with my abilities was instinctive, and this was the same. There was a voice inside me telling me what I should do, but John was right that I remained hesitant. He was right when he said that I didn’t believe in myself.
Everyone had so much faith in me, and I was scared of letting them down. At the same time, I knew by not acting that was just what I was doing. All I really needed to do was listen to my instincts, because this was natural, and I did know precisely what I had to do.
Bring her to the Stone.
He smiled, allowing hope to seep into his colors again.
Thank you, Caleb reluctantly murmured to John.
John nodded and pushed himself to his feet, while Caleb helped me up.
I had pins and needles in my legs from sitting so long. My body shivered from the damp, and my heart pounded rapidly as we made our way forward.
Ben held Amanda in his arms with her head rested against his shoulder. Puffs of fluffy clouds scattered across the sky, but other than that, the day was clear and bright. Caleb held my hand tightly as the crowd parted to allow us through. Samuel, Annice, Joshua, Eila, and John came right behind us, and even the crowd followed, staying close. It was all so surreal; the last few days had felt like an entire lifetime.
Ben lowered himself to the ground close to the Stone, keeping Amanda in his lap. I knelt in front of them, Caleb beside me with his hand resting supportively on my shoulder. The other Guardians once ag
ain circled us, whispering. I lay one hand across Amanda’s forehead and one at her heart.
Again I closed my eyes, and as before, I thought about her body healing and coming back to us. I tried and tried, concentrating until perspiration dotted my forehead and prickled at the back of my neck. Tears flowed freely down my face, but still nothing happened. When I opened my eyes again, Ben’s eyes were angry.
This isn’t fair. It’s not right! he yelled.
I took my hand from Amanda’s head, not looking at any of the faces around us. It’s not working, Ben. My voice broke. I’d lost my best friend, and with everything I could do now, I still couldn’t bring her back. Caleb leaned in to hug me closer.
No! Ben roared. This time he turned and lashed out, punching the Stone with his fist. We’re meant to be together. A blinding light erupted from the Stone as soon as he made contact with it. I felt dizzy; everything was blurring. Instantly the four of us were inside a bubble just like the one I had been in with Zeal, except this time instead of everything outside slowing, it was spinning faster and faster.
What’s happening? I shouted fearfully.
I don’t know, Caleb replied, holding me closer. Ben grabbed onto my hand, the one that was still on Amanda’s heart. His other was on the Stone, as if glued to it. Dots and streaks of white light sparkled and swirled around us, wrapping us like we were in the eye of a tornado, engulfing us.
My heart thundered, and I could hear Caleb’s heart, Ben’s heart, and then the first hushed flutterings of a fourth heart. Outside the bubble, the world started to slow, but the lights continued to dance. A slow thud began to vibrate against the palm of my hand. My eyes shot up to Ben s; his whole face was lit up. He felt it too.
Caleb, I murmured, tears choking my voice.
I know, he whispered, burying his face in my hair.
Outside the bubble, everything began to come into view again: the crowd gathered on the mound and the embankment, the bright sky. I felt Amanda’s chest rise and fall, shallowly at first and then deeply. The white lights were fading; the spinning ceased, and as quickly as it began, it was over.
It was still bright, very bright. There were clouds, the warm sun beamed down on us from high in the sky, and there were traces of pinks, purples, and orange traced across the skyline. We were still at Tara, but it was different.
I looked down to see Amanda blink; she moaned quietly before opening her eyes and smiling up angelically at Ben.
I was waiting for you, she sighed. I knew you’d come. I didn’t understand. Come where? I pulled my hand away from Ben’s and stood up, pulling Caleb with me. Ben lifted Amanda to her feet and enveloped her in his arms, kissing her hair, her face, and squeezing her until she yelped. He loosened his grip then, but only slightly.
Caleb seemed as mesmerized as I was by the crowd surrounding us, and I followed his gaze. They crowd wasn’t the same as the one that had circled us moments ago. They were human and Guardian, wearing all manner of dress from countless different eras in history. They all smiled at us curiously.
The grass under our feet was a soft, deep, luxurious green; it wasn’t wet or cold. The air was warm and clear, cleaner than any air I had ever tasted.
I filled my lungs. The birds overhead streaked and glided gracefully across the sky. Caleb placed his hand tenderly on my cheek and turned me to face him. He ran the fingers of his other hand across my forehead pushing back my still-damp hair. His eyes scrutinized me; I could hear his heart beat erratically, and it made my stomach fill with butterflies.
Are you okay? Caleb asked.
I held my hands to his hips. I don’t think I’ve ever been better. Are you? He smiled, softening his expression, and his eyes creased up and sparkled.
Holding my face, he kissed me slowly. When he pulled away, he smiled again, and now he looked like he knew something I didn’t. I guessed it was that he knew where we were. No one from the gathered crowd made an effort to explain. I looked at Ben and Amanda; she was watching us, still smiling in Ben’s arms.
Where are we? I wondered aloud as I looked around in awe. I couldn’t see much beyond the people, only the tops of some trees that were green and leafy. I was sure their leaves were too fresh, the color too vivid.
Don’t you know? Amanda smiled as Ben helped her to stand.
I turned to Caleb incredulously, waiting for a straight answer. Finally I asked with some apprehension, Are we in heaven? He grinned, wearing the same knowing expression Amanda had. A few people at the front of the crowd on the other side of the mound moved aside to allow two figures through. I gasped loudly, frozen to the spot. My eyes darted to Ben, who looked as startled as I felt. Amanda stood at his side, both arms wrapped around his waist, grinning up at him.
The man and woman approached us. When a single tear overflowed and escaped my watery eyes, I wiped it away with my fist. I didn’t trust my own eyes. The woman’s dark red hair gleamed in the sunlight as if it had gold dust sprinkled through it. Her golden skin had the texture of silk, her high cheek bones were touched with the color of pale pink roses, and her emerald green eyes glistened. She was tall and slim and moved gracefully toward us, a smile beaming on her dark pink lips. The man walked close beside her with his arm clinched around her waist, just as tall as she was, his sandy brown hair shaggy and ruffled. Where the sleeves of his checked shirt were rolled back, I could see that his skin was paler than hers, and his green eyes were darker, almost brown. He smiled — my smile, Ben’s smile.
I never realized how much Ben and I both looked like our father.
They came to a halt in front of us, and I wanted to throw myself into their arms except that I couldn’t seem to move. My mother ran a light finger across my cheek.
Are we dead? I mumbled weakly, wondering what had gone wrong when I tried to bring Amanda back.
They both laughed brightly and smiled at Ben and then back to me. I noticed when my father’s eyes landed on Caleb, they lingered there a moment or two longer than necessary. For a fraction of a second, I thought how odd it was that my dead father was checking out my boyfriend and how much odder it was that I hoped he approved. My father lifted his hand and gestured for the crowd to move back further down the mound so we could see our surroundings more clearly.
This is the other world, he told us. This is Tir na n”g. Caleb had known almost straight away. This was where Amanda had been waiting for us.
This is a place where no one grows old, my mother added, smiling.
Ben pulled Amanda nearer to him and kissed the top of her head. Beyond them, what I could see was glorious, exquisite. There were simply no words to give it justice. The lush green grass extended into the distance. I let go of Caleb’s hand and turned slowly all around. There were mountains, fields, and lakes. All the colors were bright and clear, and the view was stunning.
There were no roads or houses cutting into the landscape. Mounds of green rose out of the land everywhere, and the trees swayed gently in the light breeze. Beyond the land into the distance, I could see water, oceans as far as the horizon. I could hear the waves softly breaking against the shore.
Ben was just as awestruck as I was. Eventually I felt Caleb slip his arm around my shoulder again. My father shot him a very peculiar look. I was missing something again, and there were no colors around any of the people here to give it away.
Why did you bring us here? Ben asked my father.
Our mother stroked her hand down his face and then placed her hand over his heart. My angel, she murmured and then stood back and again turned her attention to me. You won’t have the gift of giving life to the dead, she told me solemnly.
I winced and my eyes shot to Amanda. So I didn’t save her after all. Did that mean we were here to say goodbye? A brief stab of pain seared my heart.
My mother smiled, sensing my grief. It was always the most unnatural of all gifts, she explained softly. No mortal should have that kind of power over life and death.
Ben’s expression became fearful, and he held
onto Amanda as if someone was about to rip her from his arms.
You have been through so much, she sighed mournfully, gazing at Ben then at me. So much has been expected of you that you never asked for.
You are soul mates, my father continued, taking over from my mother.
Separate parts of a whole. You are to be rewarded for what you have done and what you will do. That’s what we brought you here for. He directed himself to Ben and me. You will spend your life with your soul mate. Your whole life.
My heart fluttered wildly at the implication of what he was telling us.
Caleb would never be taken from me, nor Amanda from Ben.
And when the time comes and your life on earth is over, you will come here together, and then you will share eternity. He took my mother’s hand and kissed it lovingly. They smiled at each other, a secret smile exchanging unspoken words.
Amanda reached up on her toes and kissed Ben’s face. Her eyes were alight. They both understood what this meant too. My father turned to Caleb, almost glaring at him for a fraction of a second before his expression relaxed. It reminded me a little of how Lewis looked back in Camden when he found out I had spent the night with Caleb, even though nothing had happened then. But it had now, and I blushed, wondering if my parents knew.
You fought beside Triona for a future together, and you were there with her when the Stone roared. In every sense that is important, you two are as joined as it is possible to be now. We are trusting you to take care of her. I narrowed my eyes at him and then looked up to Caleb; his expression was as mystified as my own. Were my parents giving us their blessing? Or was Caleb getting a fatherly warning? Then I remembered something, and I looked to my mother again, hoping I could convey my question without having to ask it aloud in front of Caleb, in case the response wasn’t what I wanted. It didn’t take longer than a second for me to get my answer. She nodded once and smiled.
Yes, he’s here, she said, but he isn’t ready to see you yet. He is still coming to terms with his part in everything that’s happened. I felt Caleb’s body stiffen beside me when he realized what we were referring to. Seth! I have to see him. I have to apologize. I have to — to — My mother placed a hand softly on his chest to stop his ranting and smiled. You will see him, Caleb. Seth is here because what he did wasn’t his own doing. Neither was what you did. You were both placed in that situation by Zeal and Lucien. Caleb was breathing heavily as my mother continued. It doesn’t change the fact he still needs time to accept it — and so do you. He will be here when you return. I promise you that. Caleb and my mother stared at each other for a long moment before Caleb’s shoulders slowly relaxed and his breathing evened out. Thank you. My mother took a deep breath. It’s time. You have to go back.
