by Marian Tee
The words made the poison already inside him reach the boiling point, working its way treacherously into his system, coloring the present with shadows from the past.
Another beep.
Thank you for today. I enjoyed it a lot – EVERY part of it. J I love you.
And still, Nick didn’t answer.
The Twentieth Encounter
“I’m s-sorry.” Lilac’s hands twisted anxiously under the table as she spoke her first lie to Nick. A week had passed since the last time Nick and Sylvia had accompanied her to the Habitat for Community project, a week since the last time Nick had made love to her.
Something had gone so badly wrong after that day, but she would never know what it was until Nick trusted Lilac enough to tell her.
For the entire week, Nick had brushed off her every invitation to spend time together. And now – now that he was the one asking her out, she just couldn’t say yes. She had her pride, too.
“I have work with the…SAC.” She said it quietly, knowing that most other patrons in the posh restaurant were doing their best to eavesdrop on their conversation. This place – with its fancy decor, fancy menus, and all the phony guests: it just summed up everything that Lilac no longer understood about Nick.
Guilt underlined each word, but even if it didn’t, Nick still knew that it was a lie. He knew because he had made it his business to know everything about Lilac York. The girl who loved him, the girl he didn’t love – the girl he didn’t deserve.
The rejection scraped him raw, but Nick’s voice was cool when he said, “I understand.” He wished she would end it now, the way he had been forcing her to do so the whole week. Because…she would end it, one day, sooner or later she would realize that he wasn’t ever the man she thought he was.
Lilac’s heart splintered at Nick’s words. He, Lilac realized painfully, didn’t even care to ask her to reconsider. Where had she gone wrong?
If she had any pride left, Lilac knew she should give up now. She should cancel everything she had planned behind his back with his friends, should prevent herself from failing in the most spectacular way. But she could not. Because when she had told Nick she loved him, she had meant it.
And Lilac knew, with every beat of her heart, she knew that Nick had meant it when he told her he loved her, too.
“Don’t forget w-we h-have the meeting to attend on S-Saturday.”
“I’m sorry,” Nick said stiffly. “I have someone to meet on that day.”
Her eyes widened. “B-but I r-remind it of you e-everyday!”
Nick hated it – he fucking hated it that he was making her stutter now, and he tried calming Lilac down, keeping his voice level as he repeated, “I’m sorry. It’s unplanned---”
“Is it Karla?”
Nick froze, the color staining his cheeks making Lilac whiten.
She wanted to slap him. She had never had the urge to do so before, not even with James, but she wanted to slap Nick Christakos now. “Did you think…I did not know s-she’s here?”
Nick’s lips tightened.
“I’m n-not stupid,” she said tightly. “But I t-thought you’d h-have more decency…meeting her behind m-my back!”
“It’s not like that---”
“It’s e-exactly like that!” She had shouted. She couldn’t help it. All eyes were on them, but she just couldn’t stop herself. “Y-you either attend my…meeting…or you go to…her. But,” she said with uncharacteristic spite, “---we both k-know which one…you’re going to…choose, r-right?”
Nick said between clenched teeth, “Stop shouting.” Lilac was breaking down in front of him, and all he fucking wanted to do was take her in his arms. But he couldn’t and so he wouldn’t. “If it means so much then I’ll fucking go. Happy now?”
Nick’s snarled words made Lilac curl her fists in impotent rage. “Why b-bother,” she said bitterly, “---if it’s o-obvious you feel forced?”
“Then you decide now,” he said coldly. “Do I fucking go or not?”
She dug her nails into her palms. No. She should scream the word, throw the glass of water on Nick’s face and storm out of the restaurant so that the press would have a great headline for tomorrow.
But she…couldn’t.
Because she had meant it when she told him she loved him, and she knew --- Nick was doing this for a reason.
Biting her lip so she wouldn’t cry, Lilac pushed away all feelings of shame and self-revulsion as she said, “Yes.”
But the sacrifice, the sheer goddamn loss of pride seemed to be for nothing when Saturday came and still there was no sign of Nick Christakos. The stately indoor venue she had rented was decorated in the way an English ballroom would have been done in the 19th century, with all invited guests dressed in period costume as well. It was her birthday, but it was also their one-week anniversary and with the words printed on the huge tarpaulin covering the entire wall of one side of the room, Lilac desperately hoped that whatever was troubling Nick would finally be resolved.
You Are The Best Birthday Gift I Can Ever Have.
Following Lilac’s gaze, Christien said gently, “Nick’s ego probably won’t ever fit through the doors after he sees that.”
Lilac mustered a bright smile. “But it’s true.”
Derek groaned. “Don’t say that, Lilac. Please. We’re sick of his conceit, and you’re just going to make him insufferable now.”
Jaike elbowed him, telling Lilac, “Don’t mind them. I think that message is absolutely sweet.” She blushed. “I did something like that before, too.”
Derek’s eyes gleamed. “Ah, yes. That was sweet, and after---” He winced when Jaike not so subtly stepped on his toe.
“No one is asking about what happened after, Derek.” Jaike’s eyes threw daggers at her fiancé.
Reid shook his head. “You don’t understand. That’s really about me. I’m the best birthday gift Lilac can ever have. Right, beautiful?”
Everyone laughed, but Lilac’s face tightened with worry. Unable to hold herself back anymore, she whispered, “He’s going to c-come…right?” She swallowed. “Jason s-said Nick d-didn’t go to Karla. T-that he had c-checked with Eleanor and he r-really is in a b-business meeting.” Lilac’s hands twisted. “H-he wouldn’t lie about…that…right?”
“Of course he wouldn’t,” Derek said. “We all know Jason wants you, Lilac. So it would be to his advantage if he lied, don’t you think?”
She was embarrassed, realizing that everyone else knew about how Jason felt, but she was also relieved by Derek’s words, which was exactly what Derek had intended.
Over Lilac’s head, Derek looked at Reid.
His friend’s face was grim, which meant there was still no update from Jason, who had been scouring the entire city for Nick’s whereabouts the whole day.
“Why don’t you let me call Nick?” Christien murmured.
Lilac quickly shook her head. “No…t-that’s n-not necessary. He will come. He’s just…late. But he will come.”
****
It was surreal, seeing Karla Niall again after all these years.
She was thinner, older, and somehow more fragilely beautiful than he could remember. He felt like he was sixteen again with her, and it wasn’t a good thing.
“Nick,” she whispered.
A shaft of pain burst through his head and Nick rubbed his temples, his vision blurring. When he opened his eyes, she was standing next to him again. Her eyes had welled up with tears.
“Don’t cry.” The words were wrenched from Nick. Every time she cried, it hurt him. And after all these years, that hadn’t changed. She had been his strength. He just couldn’t bear seeing the girl who risked everything for him hurt this much.
When he reached for her, Karla shook her head, stepping back. “Do you love her?” She needed to hear Nick say he loved her, only her. The look on Nick’s face made her cry out, and she did not have to feign the pain.
“You love her?”
“I…” Karla st
arted to sob and Nick felt strangled by each sound. “Don’t cry.”
“Then tell me the truth!”
He looked away, a sense of betrayal slicing his heart as he admitted rawly, “I had to pretend…I was in love with her. When you left, she brought me back together again and the only way…the only fucking way I could keep her with me was to tell her I love her.”
At his words, she threw herself at Nick, and his arms immediately wrapped around her. Karla’s scent was familiar, but it was not…reassuring. Again, a bolt of pain struck his head but Nick did his best to ignore it.
“I knew…” Karla said over and over as she wept against his chest. “I knew I could count on you, Nick. I knew, I knew you would always love me.” She tried to reach up to kiss him, but he twisted his head away.
Something did not feel right.
When her tears died, he stepped away.
“I…”
Something just did not feel right.
Her eyes became wild. “Don’t leave me.”
Nick swallowed. “I’ll come back. I just have…” Betrayal – his betrayal – had him feeling like he was gasping for breath. “I just need to tell her I’m sorry…and goodbye.”
She cried for him to come back, but for once her tears did not keep him chained to her. He drove like a madman, his heart hammering with the fear that something ominous was about to happen. Maybe, maybe it was all because of the guilt – that he had left Lilac without explaining anything. She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve any of this. He had to make it right, make Lilac see that a better man – a man like his brother – was out there for her.
She deserved someone who was not weak and ugly like him.
His phone beeped, Reid’s name flashing on the screen.
IF YOU WANT TO DUMP YOUR GIRL, FUCKING BREAK IT OFF WITH HER LIKE A MAN.
The venue where the meeting was supposed to take place was a lot bigger than Nick had expected, and something nagged at the back of his mind as he took in the dozens of tables lining the sides of the room. It was, he realized, decorated like an English ballroom. It was also completely dark and quiet, with just a single beam of light shining from one of the doors at the other end of the room.
He followed the light, and through the sliver of opening Nick saw Lilac, her beautiful dark hair twisted up, a tiara on her head. She was dressed in a strapless gown with a full skirt, its icy blue shade easily matching the shade of his eyes.
She looked like a princess – one who was in another man’s arms.
Jealousy and rage spurred Nick into action.
“BASTARD!”
Lilac screamed as Reid was suddenly wrenched away, and the next thing she knew Nick was swinging a fist at Reid’s face. “Nick…no!”
Nick held his fist just in time.
Reid furiously shoved him away. “Go ahead,” he snarled. “You fucking asshole, go ahead and hit me so I can fucking beat you.”
“You can try,” Nick hissed, going after Reid again.
“No!” Lilac pushed herself in between the two.
Lilac’s tear-streaked face inflamed the sense of betrayal inside him, like a fucking poisoned wound whose venom burned him from the inside. “So you want him now?” he shouted. “You’re fucking collecting billionaires, is that it?”
“Goddammit, Nick---”
Lilac was crying, but it didn’t make his heart ache like Karla’s tears did. All it did was make him feel like he was the one dying, every tear a stab of betrayal. All he could see in his mind was Lilac in another man’s arms and Nick wanted to kill.
“I came here to say I’m fucking sorry, but I guess I shouldn’t have bothered,” he said bitterly. “You’ll do just fine if I go, won’t you, sweetheart?”
Her skin crawled at the way he said the last word. “S-stop it.” She didn’t understand what was going on, but all she knew was that Nick’s every furious word was meant to hide his pain. He was hurting so much he couldn’t breathe because of it, and his pain reached her, making Lilac want to take him into his arms.
He was hurting her, but more because he was…in pain.
“Nick, p-please.”
The poison inside him burst out, giving birth to an urge to hurt Lilac as much as she had fucking killed him, going to the arms of another man. Jason, Reid – she was a goddamn slut and he couldn’t fucking believe he had been so guilty about hurting her.
“It’s not l-like what…you think---”
Nick laughed mirthlessly. “No. It’s not like what you think. It never was. So don’t fucking look at me like you pity me. I never loved you. Never.”
Lilac’s stomach heaved at his words, and her world blurred. “Why are you s-saying these t-things?” “Because you sicken me.”
She stumbled back. It was getting harder to breathe. “Nick, Reid a-and I---”
“I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING HEAR ABOUT YOU AND YOUR MEN!” He shot a look of hatred at Reid. “I never loved you, but I goddamn despise you---”
“Never?”
Lilac’s whisper cut his words off.
She was looking at him brokenly. “Never…loved…me?” Her voice caught.
“Never.”
Something inside her died. “Then there’s…no use t-talking now. Because even though…I l-love you s-so m-much---”
Nick’s body jerked at the words.
Lilac broke down. “I l-love you so much, Nick. This whole p-party---everyone knew I w-was waiting f-for you, N-Nick. B-but you n-never came. Y-you n-never c-came.”
Every word pierced Nick’s heart.
“And R-Reid---” Lilac gasped for breath because her chest was hurting too much. “He h-hugged me and t-told me you p-probably had a s-serious r-reason for n-not c-coming here on t-time.” She closed her eyes. “N-now we k-know w-what that is, right? W-when K-Karla c-came b-back, you c-couldn’t p-pretend to l-love m-me a-anymore.”
The truth was out. The poison that Karla’s words had infected him with went out with it, too, leaving Nick with the most awful realization – that he had let the most precious thing go and it could be too late to get her back.
He took a stumbling step towards her. “L-Lilac---”
A cry of pain came out from her, and a moment later he realized Lilac mistakenly thought he was mocking her, doing the same thing James Caruthers did to her.
“NO!”
She pushed past him, the look of devastation on her face something he would never forget, and it fucking hurt – oh fuck, it hurt even more than the time he had ten men shove a bottle up his ass.
Painful desperation had Nick gasping, and he tried to run after Lilac, wanting to make it right – he needed to make everything all right but Reid held him back. “Let her go for now, Nick.”
Nick was shuddering. “Lilac---”
“I saw your man earlier. He’ll make sure she’s fine. I need to show you something before you go to her.” Reid forced him back to the ballroom. “You have it all fucking wrong, man.”
His friend flipped a switch open. Chandeliers blazed into life, hurting Nick’s eyes for a moment. And then he saw it---
YOU ARE THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT I CAN EVER HAVE.
“She did all of this for you, Nick.”
****
“Please, Lilac, please, let’s talk.”
Nick had been begging for hours, and Lilac had been sitting on the floor, her back against the door, covering her mouth to keep the sounds of her tears from coming out.
He banged on the door. “Please, Lilac, please. Sweetheart, please, I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so goddamn sorry.”
His voice was raw with hours of pleading, but Nick couldn’t stop. He would never stop.
****
Jason found his brother kneeling in front of Lilac’s front door, a broken and penitent man.
“Lilac, sweetheart, please. Just one chance, sweetheart.” Nick choked. “I love you. I mean it now. I fucking love you so much I won’t ever love another girl. You’re my world. My everything.”
&
nbsp; Jason slowly walked to Nick, unable to find it in himself to hate his brother even after what Reid and the others had told him.
“Nick.”
His brother looked at him dully.
Jason forced Nick to his feet. “We need to talk.”
Nick struggled against his hold. “I need to make Lilac listen---”
“You need to hear this.”
Nick’s head shot up at the tone of his voice.
“I got a confession from Beatrice.”
“How?”
The question made Jason’s fists clench. Even with all the fucking heartbreak Nick was suffering, the brother in him had been alert enough to ask the question. Only Nick knew just how much it sickened Jason to even be in the same room as Beatrice.
“It doesn’t matter how,” Jason said tightly. He gave Nick a folder. “Davos was behind your attack.
We’ve always suspected that. But…” He made himself look into his brother’s eyes. “Karla was---”
Pain exploded in Nick’s head, and he started to fall as Jason’s words ripped the gray veil that had always kept one part of that night hazy.
****
His ass burned like hell, the bottle that was being shoved in and out of him like a fucking cannon firing continuous shots into his body. But none of it could compare to the shame that was drowning Nick, making him wish he died right there.
One of his attackers was leaving.
Somehow, everything about being a victim – the pain, the agony, the acute helplessness that gripped his limbs – it all heightened his senses to something beyond…human. The thrusts in his ass were more excruciating than it should be, the grip around his wrists tighter than it really was.
He heard the distant crash of water against the shore like it was just next to him, and he smelled the liquor in his attackers’ breaths like they were kissing him.
And he listened…he listened to that one lone man’s receding footsteps because it was all he could do. Listen.
He was talking---
Another voice---
A small sound, crying, and painfully familiar---
“You weren’t supposed to hurt him like that!”
“I would never have told you where he was if I knew this would happen!”
