Never Surrender

by Lindsay McKenna

  She sighed, closed her eyes and squeezed him. “I’ve never made love in a shower before.”

  “You said you wanted to swim with the sharks.”

  Laughing softly, Bay nodded. “So I did. It was my fault, but I’m not sorry. Are you?”

  “Sorry for loving you?” Gabe pressed a kiss to her brow, the curls soft and silky around her temple. “Never. I’ll have to be dead and gone before that would happen.” A chuckle rumbled up through his broad chest.

  “That’s true,” Bay whispered, turning her cheek to kiss the strong column of his neck. “A bath sounds perfect….”

  “Then let me get it ready for you. Stay here and just rest. All right?”

  Bay didn’t want to leave the circle of Gabe’s arms. His unselfish protection surrounded her and made her feel utterly loved. Pouting, Bay tipped her head back just enough to catch his lambent gaze. His green eyes glittered with lust for her. Instantly her body reacted, a slow heat spreading throughout her lower body once again.

  In truth, she was sore. Gabe was a careful lover, and she knew he would live in a special agony if somehow he accidentally hurt her. He knew what pain was all about and was always concerned he’d hurt her. It had never happened, and Bay knew it never would, but Gabe didn’t. Childhood pain patterns, she knew, bled over into an adult’s life like a stain they could rarely erase from their being. The care burning in his eyes touched her deeply.

  “Okay, call me when it’s ready?” His secrets were safe with her. Sometimes, Gabe was that scared little ten-year-old where she was concerned. She saw Gabe struggle every day with that unconscious knowledge that he’d never been good enough to really have been loved by his abusive father. To know he deserved to be hugged. To be told by his father that he was proud of him. To know that he didn’t carry his father’s sickness or need to hurt others. It was up to her to fill that void. Heal that deep wound within him.

  As Gabe kissed her brow and then left their bed, Bay closed her eyes. She was afraid he’d see or sense her sadness for him, and she in no way wanted him to see her unhappy. He could easily misinterpret it, blame himself instead of blaming his father who imprisoned him in that terrible, lonely, loveless space no child should ever experience. Bay had promised herself long ago that she would love Gabe with all she had, replace that darkness with her light, heal that soul-stealing wound within him and make him whole once more. She knew she could do it with time. She’d seen her mother heal her father’s war wounds, so she knew it could be done with her patience and love for Gabe.

  As she lay there, head nestled on the pillow, Bay stretched out her hand, slowly running her palm over the warm sheet where he’d lain moments before. Maybe that was why Gabe had been powerfully drawn to the SEALs. They were an intense, small family in their own right. The men called one another brothers. They were fierce warriors who always protected one another. Gabe needed a positive male environment, and Bay thought the SEALs had provided him with that. The SEALs had, in effect, become like a surrogate father for him to grow into the man he was with her today.

  God, how she loved him. She would work hard to ensure that he healed from his past and that their love was enough to make them whole.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  BAY TRIED HER best to hide her sadness over their inevitable separation, but it was a losing battle. Today was their last day together. She wanted to cry, feeling as if she were being wrenched away from Gabe. Her heart wept with sorrow.

  She saw him sitting out on the jetty where massive rocks had been laid a hundred years before to stop the erosion from occurring to the island of Coronado. The evening was upon them, the sun near setting. High clouds hanging on the western horizon were turning a gold-pink color, infusing everything, even the flat, mirror-like bay. The salty water was calm, and she noticed Gabe carving something between his long, spare hands. Hands that had loved her so well that she still felt wrapped in euphoria from their afternoon in bed together.

  Bay moved quietly, never believing for a moment Gabe didn’t sense and hear her approach. The first morning at his condo, after getting a delicious bath, she’d told him the story about the Incan jaguar warriors and their powerful clairvoyant abilities. He’d grinned and ruffled her hair, teasing her about it. Yes, SEALs did have heightened awareness. But to be able to invisibly travel to their loved one? Impossible, and Gabe had laughed, shaking his head over her flights of fancy.

  Hurt had flowed through her, and she’d tried to hide her reaction from him. Gabe had sensed it immediately, awkwardly trying to make amends. Grudgingly, Bay had allowed him his belief, but there was something inexplicable going on between them. Maybe telepathy? She didn’t know.

  Her mother, Poppy, had raised her to believe in the invisible realms that surrounded humans on this planet. She believed in fairies, gnomes and elves, too. And Bay had seen her mama at work with the invisible realms. Why were her herbal tinctures, her homeopathic remedies she made by hand in her medicine room, so potent? So healing and life-changing in the best of ways for others?

  She wished with all her heart Gabe could believe in her world, but his childhood had been taken away from him. No one had set him upon their knee to read wonderful tales of fantasy to him. No one had infused his mind with the possibility of magic and creativity actually existing side by side in their everyday world. He was a no-nonsense SEAL. She released her longing for him to share her world. He loved her fiercely; Gabe was doing the best he could, and it was enough for her.

  “Hey,” Bay called to him softly, moving from the lawn to the big black rock where he sat. “What are you doing?”

  Gabe barely turned his head, catching her curious gaze. He’d heard her approach, knew her footstep and the sound of it. No matter what Bay wore or didn’t wear, she was breathtakingly beautiful in his eyes. She had on a soft pink tee and body-hugging jeans that outlined her lower body to perfection. Her curly brown hair was loose and free about her shoulders, a perfect frame for her oval face.

  “Just whittling,” he murmured, gesturing for her to come over and join him. Gabe sensed her sadness, the parting coming tomorrow morning.

  She took his proffered hand, felt his strong fingers wrap securely around her own. She’d chosen a rock next to him, but instead, Gabe gently guided her across his long, hard thigh to sit upon his lap. Gabe wore a desert-tan T-shirt and a pair of dark blue swim trunks. He’d just run five miles a little earlier. Every day he ran down the beach of Coronado where the SEAL BUD/S trainees were trying to make the cut. He called it The Strand. Some small beads of sweat still clung to the short, fine hairs along his temple.

  “What are you carving?” she asked, settling on his lap, curving her arm around his broad shoulders. There was such stability and rocklike steadiness to Gabe. Bay could feel it, inhaled it and absorbed it. He was a rock of the best sort in her world. Sometimes, she was overemotional, and he could reel her in with a word, a tender look or by simply holding her.

  “Something for you,” Gabe murmured, working on a small figurine he’d been shaping for her all week. He closed his Buck knife and handed the carving to her. “Keep this in your Kevlar pocket. Another kind of guard dog to keep you safe while you’re downrange.”

  Gasping as he placed it in her opened palm, Bay’s eyes grew wide. “I-it’s a jaguar!” She stared in disbelief at the finely detailed jungle cat. He’d even stippled tiny patterns across the jaguar to symbolize the black spots on its golden fur. Bay didn’t know what kind of wood it was, but Gabe had chosen it carefully because of its golden color, the same color as a jaguar’s coat.

  The figurine wasn’t more than two inches long, delicately carved and with painstaking care and attention to detail put into it. She’d seen many of Gabe’s carvings he kept in a locker. He was an artist few could rival when it came to wood being gently shaped between his large hands.

  “This—this is so beautiful, Gabe.” She leaned down, sought and found his mouth. For long moments, the wooden carving sat curled safely in her palm as Bay f
elt his mouth gently taking hers. Sorrow tore through her as Gabe’s mouth moved strongly against her lips, reminding her once again, she was his woman. This was their last night together.

  Oh, Lord, give me strength to be strong for him. Don’t let me cry. Don’t let me show him how sad I am about leaving him. Please…

  Gabe reluctantly left her warm, wet lips. He saw love shining in her eyes for him alone, saw her sexual desire for him, as well. He had a night planned for her, a surprise, he hoped in keeping with the magical world she lived within. Somehow, Gabe wanted to atone for hurting her that morning when she’d talked about the jaguar warriors. He’d laughed at her silliness.

  Desperately casting around for some way to make it up to her, Gabe recalled something Bay had told him last year that he’d never forgotten. Tonight, he was going to surprise her with it and prayed it would touch her heart and she’d forgive him for hurting her. Bay loved surprises, more child than adult when it came to Christmas gifts, as Gabe had discovered. By her being able to be childlike, it had helped him to discover his own inner child. Gabe never thought he had one, always the adult who had matured very early in his life. His heart warmed as he watched the awe in her face as she delicately picked up the jaguar and closely studied it.

  “When I told you about the jaguar warriors,” she said, breathing softly, holding his dark gaze, “you made fun of me.” Holding up the delicately wrought cat, she shook her head. “You believed me, didn’t you?”

  Sliding his arm around her waist, drawing her against him, Gabe felt a sense of peace descend over him. To the west of where they sat, the sun was almost touching the Pacific Ocean. The high clouds lying horizontal to the ocean looked like cake layers above it. The clouds were suffused with pink-and-orange tiers of color, as if celebrating their joy with one another. “I should never have teased you about it.” Why had he? Gabe didn’t know, and it had bothered him all week. He loved Bay. He never wanted to intentionally hurt her. And he had.

  “I’m not one of your SEAL buddies,” she said, her voice low with feeling. She closed her hand, tucking the carving in her palm and holding it against her beating heart. “I know SEALs play mean and rough with one another. But I’m going to be your wife in six months. I know you guys are unmerciful, but I’m not from your world, Gabe. We have to create a world that is only for us. You can’t drag your SEAL teasing into it.”

  Gabe felt his heart rush open with incredible love as she slid her arms around his shoulders and rested her head against his. “Sometimes,” he admitted quietly, “I think you’re nothing more than my lonely imagination, Bay. As a kid, I used to dream…but I stopped dreaming when I was about five. I felt lost. Like I’d lost something precious that I should have had, but no longer had. And then you dropped into my life. All my lost dreams had suddenly come true right in front of me.” He lifted his chin, catching her gaze. There was moisture in her eyes. He gave her a gentle shake. “Hey, no tears. Not for me. Okay?”

  Nodding, Bay compressed her lips, swallowing several times. “Tears scrub your soul clean of the dirt we collect from life, Gabe.”

  “Something your mama taught you?”

  “Yes,” she sighed, content to sit on his lap, her head resting against his. The gentle lap of water on the rocks was soothing and calming. “I’ve always believed in magic, Gabe. I believe in the unseen world that’s all around us. I’ve seen my mama talk to flowers, to trees and bees. I once saw her ask a honeybee to come over to a flower in her herb garden, and ask it to pollinate it. I watched that bee follow her to that flower. And when she pointed out which flower, the bee went right to it and pollinated it for her.” Bay gently squeezed his shoulders. “There’s more to our world than you see, Gabe. I know that, but you don’t.” At least not yet. Bay silently promised him when she got off her last deployment downrange, she’d help Gabe discover her world. He had high curiosity. And she would use it as a show-and-tell, in real time, so he could experience the magic firsthand that was all around them.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t believe your story about jaguar warriors. I got to thinking about it later, and they sounded like early SEALs to me.” He laughed quietly. “They were badasses, no question.” Gabe sobered and held her melting, warm gaze. “Can you forgive me, Bay? Honest to God, I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t realize what I’d done….” His voice turned hoarse.

  Gently, she touched his cheek. “Of course I forgive you. We love one another, Gabe. Things like this are going to happen. You did the important thing. After you thought about it, you came back and apologized. That’s as good as it gets, don’t you think?”

  Relief surged through him, and he violently quashed his emotional response. “You deserve better, baby. I’m not good enough for you. I’m really not.” But he was so grateful that she loved him unabashedly. Gabe honestly didn’t know what Bay saw in him.

  She kissed his temple, tasting the salt of the sweat beads still clinging to the strands of his hair. “Thank you. It means a lot to me, Gabe. And you’re more than good enough for me. I know you’re with me whether you realize it or not. And I feel the same way about you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I’m so grateful you’re a part of my life.”

  She eased back just enough to hold his gaze. “I’ve felt you too many nights come to my side after I went to bed while I was away at medical training. As exhausted as I was, I could feel your weight depress the mattress on the bed when you sat down next to me. I could feel you move your fingers through my hair, soothing me after a rough day. And then I’d feel you move, stretch out and curve me against your body.” Bay swallowed and looked down at him. “You were there, whether you knew it or not. You have no idea how much it fed me, helped me. Almost every night, you came and you held me. It was—wonderful… It was a comfort, really because I was missing you so much….”

  The shimmer in her eyes, those tears that threatened to fall, ripped his aching heart. “Baby, I believe you. Okay?” Gabe squeezed her gently as if to persuade her. “Why do you think I carved that cat for you?”

  She closed her eyes, knowing he was apologizing the only way he knew how. And it was more than enough for Bay. Trying to keep the tears out of her voice, she whispered unsteadily, “I know you had a horrible childhood. I know so much was taken away from you, darling. I—I just wish with my heart and soul, I could somehow transfer my world to yours.” Bay opened her eyes and gave him a sweet smile. “I know you would love it, believe in it as I do. But I can’t. It’s not transferable. It can only be experienced…”

  “In my own way,” Gabe told her, sliding his hand and cupping her chin, “I believe in magic. I see it out on patrols. There’s times when I swear the SEALs I’m with have shared telepathy between us. We never have to talk to one another or even use hand signals. We’ll somehow sense a trap that’s been set for us in the middle of the night, even if we can’t see it. We sense it. Maybe, when you’re lonely for me, your magic happens for you in the same sort of way? And you draw me into your fairy-tale world?”

  “That’s magic, too,” she agreed, her voice hoarse because she fought against crying for him, for what he’d endured. Bay didn’t want discord or upset on their last night together. All she wanted was for good memories to come out of it, instead. For both of them. She could cry later. Alone. No one would see her tears or hear her sobs. She was very good at hiding her emotions in the world of combat, because tears always bothered the men. For her, they were a release, enabling her to return once more to her core center where she needed to live in order to survive to help others.

  “You’re more magic to me than real, baby. You always have been.” Gabe held her gaze, feeling her boundless love encircling them. “Yeah, you’re magic for sure.” He patted her hip. “Come on, I need to fire up the grill and cook those hamburgers for our dinner. You want to get the cold beer out of the fridge?”

  As he rose, he kept his hand around her waist and guided her toward the condo. Gabe often thought of her as an otherworldly, beauti
ful being. And she was his.

  “Yes, I can set the table and get out the beer for us,” she said, content to lean against his tall, strong body. The wooden jaguar in her palm felt as if it were burning a hole straight through her flesh. The sensation was real to Bay. The love she felt radiating out of it like a powerful beacon was just as real, feeding her heart and soul. It was Gabe’s way of loving her, of acknowledging her world of magic and possibility. Of apologizing. Bay sighed softly and closed her eyes, allowing him to guide her. She trusted Gabe with her life, and he’d never failed her. Ever.

  *

  “ARE YOU READY?” Gabe whispered near her ear, his hands lightly across Bay’s closed eyes. They stood in front of the master bedroom. He could feel her excitement.

  “I am. What have you done, Gabe?” Bay heard a rumbling chuckle in his chest. He’d hinted after dinner that he had a surprise for her. Gabe knew she was such a kid when it came to surprises. Bay felt his rough hands resting lightly across her closed eyes. Felt his heated body inches from her own.

  “Well,” he teased her huskily, “let’s open the door and find out, shall we?” He nudged the door with his toe, and it slowly yawned opened. “Okay,” he said, “now you can open your eyes….”

  Bay gasped as he removed his hands and settled them on her shoulders, standing quietly behind her. The room had been transformed by soft candlelight. She loved candles! And she remembered telling Gabe last year how candles created magic and transported her to the other worlds. She loved the dancing, flickering light and shadows because she could close her eyes and, in her wild imagination, see such incredible, mythical beings.

  “Ohhhh,” was all she could manage, her throat tightening with tears of joy. “This is so beautiful, Gabe!” Bay gave a cry, turned and threw her arms around him. “I love you so much! Thank you! It’s such a beautiful gift! It really is!”

  His arms encircled her, holding her gently against him. She felt his mouth against her temple, placing small kisses down to her cheek, and finally, as she raised and turned her head, she met and melded against his waiting lips.