I just cannot fathom the thought of never seeing him again. Never gazing upon his beautiful face, hearing his laugh, his low voice, feeling the softness of his touch. My mind refuses to accept it. I do not know how I will ever be able to move past this. It is just not possible I can disremember him. But then, why would I wish to, besides?
I can scarcely eat, I sleep the days away in an attempt to escape the relentless pain. Yet when I close my eyes, the image of his face is lingering there behind my eyelids, waiting for me, to haunt my dreams. When my mother forces me to eat something, my stomach is so queasy, it is fortunate if I keep it down.
Finally, after months of suffering this unrelenting nausea, my mother has insisted upon taking me to the doctor. After a rather thorough examination which quite intruded upon my dignity, he gave his diagnosis of my affliction.
“Lidmila, I am fairly certain of what ails your daughter,” the doctor states grimly.
Concern straining her face, my mother probes, “Yes, doctor, what is it?”
The doctor’s face grows more grim. “Katja is with child.” He states the words almost apologetically as though he had something to do with it. Preposterous!
With child? I am pregnant.
My mother’s face falls as her eyes dart to me incredulously and then back to the doctor. “With child? But how is such a thing possible?”
The doctor sighs heartily. “I am not privy to that information, Lidmila. I only give the diagnosis.” His eyes rest upon me sympathetically for a moment before shifting back to my mother. “I shall allow you a moment in private.” With that he exits the room, leaving me to face my Mother.
Quietly, she turns towards me, her eyes an amalgam of emotions as she glances down at my abdomen, bewildered. After what seems an eternity, at last she speaks. “Katja, how can this be?”
I shift uncomfortably in my chair, wondering how I can possibly tell her. Finally deciding there is no way around it, I just say it. “The day I went to meet… Štefan— the last time I saw him— I guess you might say our goodbyes took a passionate turn.”
My body wretches. It pains me dreadfully to say the words, to feel his name upon my lips again, to bring his face to the forefront of my memory, to remember the feel of him over my body. I have tried so hard to numb my mind to the memory of him, of that day, to convince myself it had never happened. And now, his child is growing within my belly. How can I possibly go on denying it now?
“Oh Katja, I am sorry. I know how this must be affecting you right now when you have been suffering such heartbreak over him already. But still, how could you be so foolish?”
“It was only once, Mother. I never imagined this would happen.” As I say the words, there is a surreal quality to it all. I realise it has yet to sink in. I am not sure when it will. The idea feels utterly inconceivable to me.
A child in my belly?
She smiles at me as though I am a naïve child. “It only takes once, Katja. You were just unlucky enough for it to happen on your first time.”
Mother lets out a heavy sigh. “Well, I suppose we will need to go home and inform your father. Then he and I will discuss what will need to be done about the situation.”
My father, I had not yet thought of that. He is going to be irate with me… Done about the situation? What is there to be done? I did not think there was any way out of it.
To say that my father, Jindrich, was not happy to hear this news, would be putting it very mildly indeed. He is mortified, shamed— almost as though he is taking it very personally— to have a daughter, unwed and pregnant at eighteen.
The solution to this problem they devise is to hide me away from everyone until after I give birth, which means I am not to go to market or anywhere outside of our property— not even to romp in the bordering meadows nearby— so that no shame will come to our family. Though our family has a rather modest status, my proud father is more than adamant about safeguarding it.
And then, after I give birth, they will pass off the baby as my older sister, Svetlana’s. She is several years my elder at twenty-three, and married but barren. Since I have no man to care for me and the child, I will have no choice in the matter. I will nurse the baby until it is weaned, which will only make it all the more difficult.
I am somewhat uncertain as to how I feel about this. Part of me is relieved to have it taken off my hands. And yet, still it is not as if I will have the opportunity to truly put it all behind me and forget it ever happened. As Svetlana and her husband reside just steps away from our house, I will continue to be subjected to seeing the child on a daily basis, witnessing her grow up.
Then, another part of me has the urge to run and find Štefan to tell him of our expected child together. What would his reaction be? Would he take me into his arms and kiss me ecstatically or would he look at me in horror? Would he offer to run away together or would he shun me? Perhaps he would not even acknowledge that we had even been together, treat me as though I had imagined it all. No, I cannot believe he would treat me in such a dreadful manner.
Still, how I would love to perceive the expression upon his face when I revealed to him that his child grows within my womb.
Our child.
I was still deliberating over informing Štefan about our child until the day I heard news of his marriage to Naďia. That had to have been the second worst day of my life. If I had any hope whatsoever remaining, it was shattered now. Ironically, it came about the same time I had just began to feel his baby inside of me moving about, assuring me that it was indeed real.
That night, all I could do was lay in bed trying not to think of what he was doing with her at that moment. The more I tried not to think of it, the more I did, and I could not seem to eradicate the heartbreaking images from my mind. It hurt so badly to imagine him kissing another, touching another, making love to another.
A wave of sobs fell over me and I cried till I could not cry anymore, clutching my hand to my swelling abdomen.
Chapter Six
Apart from the pain of my heart and soul, childbirth was the worst physical pain I had ever felt. I tried desperately not to allow my mind to connect this event to its origination, in an effort to spare my soul the additional anguish.
I did not succeed in that.
Oh Štefan, I do not know how to let you go.
When it is finished, the midwife announces, “It is a beautiful baby girl!” Then she places the baby upon my chest. I take a deep breath and open my eyes to look at my baby.
My face smiles, and yet my heart is filled with sadness. Her tiny face is so perfect, so beautiful. Her hands so miniature. I take it into my own, feeling in awe of this little creature who has so instantly captured my soul.
She is my beautiful little baby girl. Mine and Štefan’s child. It is so wonderful and at the same time so heartbreakingly tragic.
“What will you name her?” my mother asks softly.
I have not even given it thought. I did not think I would be allowed the privilege of bestowing her with a name since she will not be mine to keep.
So I say the first thing which comes to mind, the only one I can imagine. “Štefanja.”
My mother smiles a tender, knowing smile at me. “That is lovely, Katja.”
The baby begins squirming and fussing in my arms. I look down at her, not quite knowing what to do.
“You might try to nurse her, Katja,” my mother instructs gently.
I feel daft for not realising what she needed. I open the front of my nightdress and guide her to my breast. Her mouth is so tiny, it appears as though my nipple will scarcely fit in it! It seems as though she does not know what to do either, for she gives no response, other than becoming fussier.
Feeling helpless, I look to my mother. She moves closer and grasps my breast in her hand, brushing my nipple across the baby’s lips. The baby begins to thrash her little head about as an animal, her mouth opening wide. At last, she locates my nipple and latches on, suckling voraciously at first and then
simmering down as she becomes more contented.
As I gaze down at her, I am overcome with the realisation that this has just become the most significant moment of my life.
I already love her so much, yet I cannot help but feel conflicted. On the one hand, every time I look at her all I see is my Štefan and it makes my heart ache all over again. On the other hand, she is all I have of him, a precious reminder of the man I loved.
Oh, Štefan! I am so lonely without you. You were my best friend. Now all I have is your child and these tears which never stop falling.
My family has permitted me to keep my baby to nurse her for the first year. But I am never allowed to be seen outside of the house with her, as all are to believe she is my sister’s child.
And now, my year is nearly up. I never imagined I could love someone as I do my Štefan. But when I look at my little Štefanja, with her flaxen hair and her eyes blue as the sky— she is truly the spitting image of her father— my heart wells over with more love than I can possibly describe. Only it is a different love entirely than what I feel for Štefan.
And I have come to feel that I would do absolutely anything for her without question. I suppose that means I truly have become a mother. Though still, I am not. Or at least, I will not be allowed to be that for her. And that very thought rips my heart out, even more than Štefan shunning our love, something I never would have thought possible.
I feel I am becoming increasingly desperate to keep her, though I do not know what I can possibly do. I am considering running away, but where could I possibly go?
It is now the winter of the year 1634.
“Katja, you will go to the market in Buda today and fetch some goods for us,” my mother tells me during breakfast. I nod my head silently, looking forward to escaping the house for a time.
I finish with my food quickly and plant a small kiss upon the top of Štefanja’s head as I rise from the table, anxious to depart.
It is an opportunity which I welcome. It has been awhile since I have been out, away from here. I put my warmest cloak around me and head out. Finally being away from my family gives me the chance to think straight. As I stroll down the road, thoughts begin sweeping through my mind like a whirlwind. There are so many things to consider.
I reach the market and try to recall what I am to acquire for my mother as I contemplate my circumstances.
In just less than a month I am due to hand Štefanja over to Svetlana for good. I know I have given my word, yet still I do not think I can go through with it. I just cannot give my baby away. I have come to love her too much. She is part of me, part of my Štefan. The sole evidence of our forlorn love. Furthermore, she is the only thing I have left of him, my only solace at losing him.
Then again, if I go back on my word I know it will break Svetlana’s heart. She loves Štefanja as much as I do and she has waited so long to have a child. I had not even imagined, let alone yearned for a child as she has. But now that Štefanja has come into my life, I cannot deny my immense love for her.
I mentally replay my Mother’s words and am fairly certain I have picked up all she asked. I set off to strolling through the market, taking my time, savouring the chance to be around other people again and clear my head.
No, I cannot do it, I simply cannot! I will not give away my child! I do not know what it is I shall do, but I will find a way, even if it means resorting to less than decent acts to sustain myself and my child. After all, what do I have left to lose? I have already lost the man I love. I am no longer a maiden, so I cannot expect to find a husband, lest it be an old man. And if that is what it takes, then so be it.
But I will not lose my Štefanja as well. She will remain mine. I will be her mother. I am her mother! And she shall grow up knowing that.
I shall return and act as normal as I can, spend time with my family for the last. Then tonight, when all are slumbering, I shall take my Štefanja and go away to the nearest city and then keep moving if I must till we are safe and I have secured another situation for myself.
A broad, genuine smile spread across my face as the delight and reprieve of my decision washed through me, warming my long aching soul. I beamed at everyone I passed, eager to begin a new life with my daughter, one free of awaiting another imminent heartbreak.
Despite the circumstances which brought her to me, I vow to be the best mother ever there was. She is my unforeseen treasure, my little miracle and she has alighted upon my heart and opened it to love once more.
Read more of Katja in ‘Soeis’, Book II of the Anam Céile Chronicles
"Do I deserve love again when I have done nothing but murder? And when again I find him, will there be anything of me left to give?"
After having lost everything she centered her life about, Aislinn is left to meaningless wandering. Though she treasures her homeland of Ireland, she only knows she must find escape from the painful memories. Not knowing where she is heading, her intuition beckons her to Italy. Perhaps, she will resume her long ago dreams of becoming a famous violinist - such a thing would be possible there. But that was before her existence had been altered by her love for Donovan. How can those old dreams possibly ever matter anymore - when she has lost everything that did matter?
Barely sustaining herself in the underground of Florence, Aislinn is found by Zahrah & Katja, a couple of stunning seasoned vampires who offer to take her under their wing and demonstrated to her how a vampiress should be conducting herself. While relieved to be taken from her dreary homeless existence and to be living in their beautiful old villa, she finds acclimating to their régime of seducing their helpless male prey with the lure of sexual promises to be inflicting turmoil on her conscience.
There is one catch. Aislinn is truly enticed by Katja, the angelic Hungarian golden-haired vampire. When Katja seduces her, Aislinn is awakened to pleasures she never imagined existed before.
And she wants more. Much more . . .
Even as she battles against everything that they are— and in turn, everything she is becoming—Aislinn cannot help but be overcome with the intense sexual lust, as well as the bloodlust of their realm. Determined to find her love reincarnate once again—as she avowed to him as he lay dying in her arms—she is struggling against losing herself and preserving her virginity in the midst of these increasingly overwhelming desires.
Then, one day, Aislinn is certain she glimpses and catches the scent of her love. With this new driving force, she is desperate to be with him again. But she knows she must be vigilant in safeguarding her secret. It is vital that she finds him before they do and relish turning him into their next victim.
When Zahrah imprisons Aislinn in the dungeon, she sinks into despair. Now, how will she ever find him? Worse yet, trapped there, how will she protect her love from them?
What Aislinn does not know is that she possesses powers of which she is unaware. Will she discover them in time to save herself—and her one true love?
Excerpt of Soeis
Book II of the
Anam Céile Chronicles
The next evening, upon rising from her morbid slumber, Zahrah found me and promptly said, “Come, we are going into town!”
“Thank you, but I’ll remain here,” I said, as always I did when they went on their frequent hunts fer victims.
“I was not inquiring as to whether or not you wished to accompany us,” she informed me curtly. “Now put on some decent attire so that we may depart presently!”
I did not conceal the scowl that came across me face at being ordered about and forced to participate in something I did not wish to.
“What is your problem?” Zahrah asked me. “Why do you insist upon preventing yourself from delighting in the nature of what you truly are? Do you not realise that the beginning of your existence as a vampire is a time when all your experiences are heightened, as I sense your lust is? Never will you enjoy it as much as you are able to now whilst still you are young. Do not deprive yourself, A-sleen!”
Still, respond to her I did not. I turned and walked away, and went to me chamber and slipped into a fine lavender silk gown that complemented me hair nicely.
Pleased Zahrah was with me appearance. She had decided ‘twas time to train me as an accomplice to their seductions of unwitting men. “I shall take you under my wing, as somebody should have from your initiation. It shan’t be long until you are precisely as I need you to be . . .”
Zahrah led our expedition to the nearest town to find a suitable specimen fer me initiation to their lifestyle. She struts down the street, seemingly ignoring every eye she turns. Her head she carries so high, as a sculpture; her eyes wicked as she stretches her long legs, slinking as a feline. Men crouch at her feet as she passes, begging fer her consideration. Rather it was comical actually.
Fools! You hope to make her see you? Do you think you’ll be the one to make her queen of yer world? Fortunate you should consider yourself if she chooses to overlook you!
“Now A-sleen, observe and see how it is done,” Zahrah declared, when she had selected our victim fer the evening. Not that any other undeserving person would have been better, but particularly dismayed I was at her choice. A right lovely young man he was, utterly innocent; he could not have been even eighteen years of age. And, as was to be expected, quite easily enthralled was he by the three of us well-formed women.
Into our carriage he did climb without any hesitation, all wide-eyed. By this time, awful I felt fer what I knew was in store fer him. Never before had I spent even a few minutes of time getting acquainted with those I had fed from— conversing with them and charming them, inspiring them to trust me, to like me, to want me. Dreadfully unethical it felt!
The Falling of Katja: an Erotic Romance (Anam Céile Chronicles) Page 3
