by Sue Fortin
Mum is looking beyond me, recalling the events as if she’s right back there in the moment. Part of me doesn’t want to know what happened next. I can guess. I wish to God I’m wrong, but something tells me I’m not. I have no choice. I have to ask. ‘What happened after that?’
‘There was a scuffle. Your dad lost his balance. I can remember seeing his heel hanging precariously over the edge of the top step. For one tiny moment he was suspended at the perfect point of balance, where one crucial movement would dictate success or failure, taking him to either safety or danger.’ She pauses for a moment. The faraway look remains as she speaks again. ‘I thought I was going to save him, to grab his hands and to stop him from toppling backwards down the steps,’ says Mum. ‘I genuinely thought that.’
‘What did you do?’ My voice catches in my throat.
‘Somewhere between me reaching out for him and actually taking his hand, somewhere in that split second, I thought of all the repercussions your father knowing would have,’ says Mum. ‘He wouldn’t have let us live the lie. He would have been on the Marshalls’ side. I couldn’t let that happen. So, instead of pulling him, I… pushed.’
‘Oh, Mum.’ The nightmare is becoming a reality.
‘I couldn’t let Diana Marshall have claim over your child, not after she was so against it,’ Mum continues. ‘She didn’t deserve it.’ Her voice is firm and hard. ‘I didn’t want anyone to know Roisin was there. I said we were to make it look like an accident or a mugging. That’s why I kept the key. I think Roisin was frightened at the time. She ran off before the ambulance arrived. I thought Kerry might have seen her hiding behind the bins until it was safe to go, but he never said anything.’
I give myself a minute to take on board what Mum has told me. Roisin confronted Mum. They had a scuffle. Dad fell. They were happy to let people think it might be a mugging gone wrong. All this because of a photograph. How I wish now I’d never given it to Niall all those years ago. A stupid mistake that is catching up with me now.
I think about the picture. Is it really that crucial? ‘You know what, Mum, Roisin only had a photograph,’ I say. ‘That didn’t prove anything. It would only be assumption.’
‘You’re right, Erin. On its own it doesn’t prove anything, but at the time I wasn’t thinking straight. I grabbed it from her, that’s what the scuffling was about. Anyway, I kept it for a while, but later I destroyed it. I didn’t want anyone else seeing it, not least Roisin.’
‘That’s what you were burning in the sink,’ I say, thinking back to how I had taken the milk up to Mum and she was standing at the kitchen sink. She’d got all flustered when she saw me.
‘I thought that would be an end to it, but I was wrong,’ says Mum. ‘It was after, when she came to see me at the hospital. She got me so cross, I’m sorry, Erin, it’s my fault. I let slip you had the baby. After that there was no stopping her. Photograph or no photograph.’
‘But it’s okay, Mum,’ I say, trying to reassure her. ‘I’ve talked this through with Fiona. Roisin may know I had the baby, but she thinks I put it up for adoption. There’s nothing she can do about that. Nothing at all. After all this time, I can cope with people knowing this. I thought I couldn’t, but I can. I know that now. She can’t do anything to hurt us.’
Mum is shaking her head. There’s such a look of sadness on her face. It unnerves me. A groan from Dad interrupts the conversation. ‘You all right, Dad?’ I stand and lean close to him. His eyes flicker open, but it seems to be an effort to keep them from fluttering shut.
‘Family…needs mother,’ he says finally.
‘It’s okay, Jim,’ says Marie. ‘Rest now. Don’t worry. I have it all sorted.’
Dad grunts something inaudible.
I shiver. Again, Mum is sending chills through me. ‘Mum, what’s sorted?’
She hesitates before speaking.
‘I wanted to protect my family. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.’
‘Something else has happened, hasn’t it, Mum? What is it you’re not telling me? It’s something to do with Roisin, isn’t it?’
Chapter 34
All the way home, Mum’s words echo around my head. Something is bothering me about the conversation with Mum. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I feel like I’ve missed something in this complicated puzzle of lies.
I have to admit Mum has surprised me. I’ve never thought of her as a particularly strong woman. I know she loves us fiercely and has always done her best by us, but it’s Dad who has always made decisions and commanded the family. It’s a traditional marriage and, in the past, I thought Dad too overbearing and Mum too soft to stand up to him. Now, I realise I’m wrong. Mum is stronger and more resilient than I ever imagined.
I think of how Mum would go about things in a quiet, assured way, how she would often speak to Dad to ensure things went the way she wanted them to go. Mum is indeed a strong woman. What she has just told me confirms that.
Like me, Mum is prepared to go to any lengths to protect her family. I think of Mum and Dad. Of Fiona and the children. I know what I have to do. This mess is all my own doing. Ultimately, I have to take responsibility for the way things have turned out, then and now. The desire to protect my family burns even deeper. I have the least to lose.
By the time I pull up outside the café, I’ve worked it out. I know what I have to do.
Kerry greets me as I come into the café. The lunchtime rush is over and the place is empty.
‘Hey,’ he says. ‘How’s everything?’
‘Not too bad,’ I say. ‘Dad has been more awake this morning.’
‘That’s good.’
‘He’s not really speaking properly, although he’s aware of us and is trying to communicate. The doctors are going to run some tests this afternoon to try to determine how badly he’s been affected.’
‘You look really tired,’ says Kerry. He draws me towards him. ‘Why don’t you go up to the flat and get some sleep. I can stay here. I’ve nothing else to do.’
I let myself rest a moment in his arms. It feels good to be held, to have someone take the strain, if only for a while. I put my arms around him and hold him tightly.
‘I tell you what,’ I say, my face still buried in his shirt. ‘Why don’t we close up this afternoon and go and do something to remind us we’re alive?’
Kerry tips up my chin. ‘You okay?’
I smile and plant a kiss on his lips. ‘Yes. I’m just weary from everything. Let’s get out of here for a couple of hours.’
‘If you’re sure.’
‘Absolutely.’
The Triumph rumbles through the lanes out of the village; Kerry steers the bike out to the countryside. I snuggle in closer to his body and look over his shoulder as the hedgerows and fields rush past us. The thoughts and feelings of today’s revelations seep away from me, blown out by the wind as the bike takes us further and further away from the village. As the road begins to wind its way up to the top of the hill, the old croft comes into sight. Kerry parks the bike at the bottom of the track.
‘Once a place for late-night drinking and chat about how we were going to conquer the world, now a place to sit quietly and think about nothing,’ he says. Hand in hand, we begin our ascent.
The sun is bright in the sky and I squint as I look up the track towards the croft. I find myself touching the Triskelion pendant around my neck as I remember how Niall and I had sat up there, talking about our dreams for the future. He was going to be a top lawyer and I was going to have my own beauty salon. Yes, we were going to conquer the world. And then real life stepped in.
‘You okay?’ asks Kerry.
‘Yes, fine,’ I say. I pull my hand free and break into a run. ‘Race you to the top!’ I don’t want to dwell on the past. It will sour the afternoon. I want a break from thinking about difficult stuff. This afternoon is for teenage kicks and pie-in-the-sky dreams, not the harsh realities of adulthood and responsibilities.
I make it to the top without st
opping. I put my hands on my hips, catching my breath and wait for Kerry to trudge up.
‘I let you win,’ he says with a wink.
The view from the top of the hill is as fabulous as when I was here before with Kerry.
‘Can you still get inside this place?’ I ask, turning around to look at the stone building sitting atop the hill.
‘I don’t know. Let’s have a look. They boarded it up a few years ago. Probably to stop the kids, like us, having all-night parties up here.’
We walk round to the south side. The stone doorway has, indeed, been boarded up, but three of the lower slats are missing. A splintered shard of wood hangs from one side.
‘Looks like the kids still come up here,’ I say. ‘They’re not going to let a piece of wood stop them.’
Kerry crouches down and peers into the blackness. There are plenty of holes in the roof to allow beams of light to shine through.
‘It looks like someone has been camping here,’ says Kerry. His voice echoes around the empty walls.
‘Really?’ I bend down beside Kerry and look inside. I can make out the remnants of a fire in the hearth and a bundle of what looks like bedding laid out in front of it. ‘Why would they leave their stuff?’
‘Perhaps they’re coming back. Or perhaps they don’t want it any more. Didn’t you ever leave your tent and sleeping bag at a festival rather than trying to fold it up and lug it home?’
I look at Kerry and raise my eyebrows. ‘What do you think?’
Kerry laughs and stands up, pulling me to my feet. ‘I take that back. It was a stupid question.’ He grins. ‘It’s not quite your thing, roughing it, is it?’
‘It’s not that,’ I say. I know Kerry’s only teasing, although there is a certain amount of truth in what he says. ‘It’s just…’ I can’t think of a reasonable argument. ‘I’ve never been to a festival,’ I finish lamely.
‘We’ll have to rectify that, won’t we?’
‘We will?’
‘Sure, next month there’s a small local festival. Well, you can’t even really call it a festival. A local farmer puts up a beer tent, throws together a stage and invites the local bands to play. Rock Around the Farm, it’s on every year. You can come and camp with me. If you think you can cope.’
‘Is that a challenge?’
‘If you want it to be.’
‘Then I accept.’ I plant a kiss on his lips. I ignore the voice that tells me it is never going to happen. For this moment I don’t want to think about what I have to do. I smile at Kerry. ‘Now let’s do something that makes us feel alive.’
‘Right here, on the hill?’ says Kerry, kissing my neck. ‘Okay, if you say so.’
I return the kiss, tugging at his leather jacket and pulling it from his shoulders. I pull open the denim jacket underneath and slide my hands underneath his t-shirt.
Kerry returns the gesture, pulling my body to his. He spins me round and lays me down on the grass, then rolls me over so I’m on top of him.
Something makes me look up towards the croft. Out of the corner of my eye, a movement catches my attention.
Kerry lifts his head and kisses me.
‘Stop,’ I say. I move my head away from him, my eyes scan the grass between us and the building. I look from left to right.
‘What is it?’ says Kerry. He cranes his neck to look behind him.
‘I thought I saw something.’
‘There’s nothing there. You’re imagining things. Now, where were we?’
‘No. Wait.’ I scope the terrain again. Something doesn’t feel right. The moment is lost. I give Kerry a quick kiss before climbing off him. ‘Let’s go back to yours.’
Kerry sighs and closes his eyes for a second before opening them again. ‘I thought you wanted to feel alive.’
‘Yeah, I just did,’ I say, getting to my feet. ‘I’ll make it up to you,’ I add with a coy smile as I start walking off.
‘I’ll hold you to that!’ Kerry jumps to his feet and jogs to catch up, but carries on running past.
‘Race you?’ he calls over his shoulder.
I laugh. Kerry is so easy to get along with. I watch him get further and further away. It would be so easy to fall in love with him. To spend my days in his company and my nights in his bed. He’s good fun and he accepts me for who I am, not who he wants me to be. My smile falters and I dismiss the romantic notion. I have no right to think of a future with Kerry. I have nothing to offer him. I haven’t even told him the whole truth about the baby. About Sophie.
‘Come on, slow coach!’ Kerry calls, beckoning me to get a move on.
I know I have to live in the moment. I can’t think back and I can’t look forward; it’s too painful. No, this moment is good, it makes me happy. I have to enjoy it while I can. Live for today, as tomorrow I’m going to give up everything.
Chapter 35
Kerry and Joe were standing in front of Seahorse Café. The lights were off, the sign in the door said CLOSED and there was not a soul to be seen.
‘Strange,’ said Joe, peering through the window. ‘I’ve never known it to be closed. Do you think she’s overslept?’
Kerry stepped back on the pavement and looked up at the flat windows above.
‘She didn’t oversleep,’ he said, looking for any sign of life.
‘You know that for a fact?’ said Joe and then the penny must have dropped. ‘Oh, I get it.’ He grinned at his cousin.
‘She got up about an hour ago, said she was opening up and she’d see me later,’ said Kerry. He took out his phone and called up Erin’s number.
‘So, things with you two, they all great again?’ said Joe.
‘Great might be pushing it,’ said Kerry, as he listened to the phone connect and ring through. ‘Let’s settle for “good” at the moment.’
Erin’s phone went to voicemail. Kerry tried a couple more times but without success. ‘I’ll go round the back, see if I can get an answer at the flat.’
Kerry jogged round to the back of the shops and ascended the metal steps, two at a time. With each stride the feeling of unease grew. He didn’t know what it was, but something didn’t feel right. Especially after all that business with them both being questioned about Roisin’s disappearance.
Reaching the door to the flat, Kerry banged hard on the glass. The net curtain at the window obscured his vision as he tried to look into the kitchen. There was no answer.
Where the hell was she?
‘Have you tried ringing Fiona?’ said Joe as Kerry came back round to the front of the café. ‘Maybe something’s happened at the hospital with her father.’
‘That’s what I was wondering,’ said Kerry. ‘I don’t think I have Fiona’s number.’
‘Take a ride up there. I’ll hold the fort. Although, if it’s Jim, then Fiona might not be there either.’
Kerry checked his watch. ‘I’ll give it a while longer. I’ll go up a bit later if Erin doesn’t turn up.’
The niggling feeling that things weren’t right didn’t leave Kerry at all. He was finding it hard to concentrate on his work. Twice now he had fumbled the screwdriver when trying to take an exhaust pipe off.
‘Shit,’ he muttered as the screwdriver slipped and scored a gash across the newly polished pipe. Extra work now to repair the damage he’d caused. Just what he needed.
Kerry checked his phone again, even though he had done so several minutes ago. No missed calls or text messages.
‘I’ll go over to Fiona’s now,’ he said, standing up.
Joe gave a nod of acknowledgement. Kerry jumped on his Triumph and roared off up the road.
As he pulled up outside Fiona’s detached house on the new estate, he was surprised to see two Guards cars parked up outside. He recognised one of the number plates as Sean’s vehicle.
For a moment, Kerry contemplated leaving but his need to find Erin overwhelmed his natural instinct to steer well clear of the Guards.
He switched off the engine and placed his crash hel
met on the handlebar. Before he reached the front door, it was opened by a Guard. Kerry recognised him as the one who had taken Erin off for questioning.
‘Can I help you?’ said O’Neill.
‘What’s going on? Is everything all right?’ said Kerry. ‘Is Erin Hurley here?’
‘It’s not a good time right now,’ began O’Neill.
‘It’s okay. Let him in.’ Sean appeared in the doorway.
Straight away Kerry could see that Sean’s face looked drawn; he had a haunted look about him. His shoulders drooped and his mouth was set in a downward turn.
O’Neill stepped to one side to allow Kerry in. ‘What’s up, Sean?’ said Kerry. ‘What’s happened?’
He followed Sean into the living room. Fiona was sitting on the sofa and looked up as Kerry came in. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying.
Sean took a breath before he spoke. ‘It’s Sophie. She’s gone missing.’
‘Oh, Jesus,’ said Kerry. ‘When?’
‘She went missing this morning. She was playing out in the garden. Fiona was inside seeing to Molly,’ said Sean. ‘Sophie’s played out there on her own before. The garden’s safe. There’s no way she could get out, but she’s simply vanished.’
‘I only took my eyes off her for a few minutes. Molly had fallen over, so I was cleaning her knee up,’ said Fiona. ‘I came back out…and…and…she was gone.’
‘Stop it, Fiona,’ said Sean, sitting down next to his wife and putting his arm over her shoulder. ‘It’s okay. It’s not your fault.’
‘The Guards are out looking for her now,’ said Sean. ‘We’re to sit tight in case she turns up or they find her. They want us to be here for her.’
