Chapter 7
If not for the fact that Melanie’s outfit from this morning is laying on her bunk when I get back to the ship, I would be worried that she hadn’t made it back. I swear I’ve searched every corner of this damn boat looking for her, but she’s nowhere to be found. I’m wondering if it was a mistake to try to apologize to her this morning. Had I known how much pain it would cause both of us, I would have taken my regrets to the grave.
On top of that, I can’t deny the fact that I still feel something for the woman. While it’s not the same as what I share with Alyssa, today made me see that I definitely love Melanie. What type of low-life asshole does that make me? I’m on the last trip my wife will ever get to take, in one of the most beautiful places on Earth, and I’ve been slapped in the face by my past. I’m walking to dinner with Alyssa and Jacob, but the only thing I can think about is watching Melanie run from me.
I wanted to chase after her and beg her to tell me what she was thinking but I couldn’t. The time may come when we revisit the topic, but it’s unfair to both women for me to press Melanie to admit what she may or may not feel for me. At the same time, we were robbed of closure six years ago and it would be nice to have that now.
“Xavier, are you okay?” Alyssa asks, running her delicate hand down my arm. I look down at her, noticing how tired she looks today. I swear she’s lost so much weight now that I can see every single bone that’s not covered by her pink tank top and khaki shorts. Once I gave her my heart, I promised Alyssa there would be no more secrets, no lies. Now, I’m keeping one of the biggest secrets, avoiding her questions so I’m not forced to openly lie to her. And as much as I tell myself it’s to spare her the pain she doesn’t deserve to be burdened with, I know it’s to assuage my own guilt for allowing Melanie to come back into our lives.
“I’ll be fine,” I tell her, giving her a rigid smile. From the look in her light green eyes, I know I’m not fooling her. “It was just a long day.”
“Okay.” Despite her answer, I’m not foolish enough to think she’s accepting my excuse. I close my eyes, berating myself for letting this happen. “Where’s Melanie? Did the two of you have fun today?”
If you call running both of our hearts through a meat grinder, sure we had fun. If you call realizing that you love someone from your past while still being completely in love and devoted to your wife fun, yep, it was a blast.
“It was good. Would have been better if you were there,” I say, this time giving her a sincere smile. As we walk through the corridor, all three of us holding hands, I vow to give Alyssa and Jacob one hundred percent of myself each and every day. When we get home, I’m going to put in a request for family leave time so I don’t miss a moment.
When I hear Xavier and Alyssa talking as they walk through the long corridor of the ship, I rush to find the nearest exit. Call me a coward, but I’m not ready to see him yet. I need time on my own to figure out what I feel about our talk. I need time to convince myself that I didn’t feel the undeniable chemistry between us. And most of all, I need to find a way to look a dying woman in the eyes, knowing how I feel about her husband.
I’m not sure how this situation could be much worse. It’s only the second day of a four day cruise and I have no choice but to share a room with them. Maybe I could sleep during the day and spend my nights on deck.
“Miss Melanie!” a little voice squeals from behind me. Shit, didn’t hide fast enough.
“Hey, buddy! How was the boat today?” I say, turning around and giving every ounce of attention to Jacob. I can feel his father staring me down but I refuse to lift my eyes. “Did you see any fish?”
Jacob closes the distance between us, running into my arms. As I swing him back and forth, it hits me that I’m losing so much more than a client or even a friend right now. When Alyssa succumbs to the cancer, I’m losing an entire family. I love this little boy more than I ever thought possible. He and his parents have become my life this winter and I’m going to be forced to say goodbye to all of them. It’s impossible for me to bite back the tears this time. I’m so fucking sick of crying. This is a Disney cruise, it’s supposed to be an extension of the “happiest place on earth” and yet it’s where my heart has been trampled repeatedly and I’ve cried more than I can remember in recent history.
I need to do something to keep me from dwelling on the fact that I’m going to be totally alone soon. I won’t have Alyssa, Xavier and Jacob in my life, and for the first time in ten years, I won’t have Stacey to cheer me up. I still can’t wrap my head around what she did. Now that the anger has subsided, knowing that I have to confront her as soon as we’re home slays me. She was the one person I thought would be by my side forever. We’ve even joked that when we both wind up spinsters, we’ll sit around watching Wheel of Fortune, eating dinner at four in the afternoon and playing canasta until we pass out. The loss of such a silly notion shouldn’t hurt me this way.
“Hey, why don’t the two of you go to dinner and I’ll go on a date with Jacob?” I ask, knowing that the alternative is eating dinner with them and I’d rather starve at this moment. Jacob jumps up and down, begging his parents to let him come with me. We all smile at his enthusiasm, each of us seeming to forget our “grown-up problems” for the time being. “If you want, find a quiet corner and relax, I can put him to bed tonight.”
Alyssa leans in close to Xavier, whispering something in his ear. Most likely, she’s reminding him that this is the last trip she’s taking. She’s been doing that a lot lately, especially since we left for Miami. When I tried talking to her about it, she insisted that it’s just as much to remind herself to enjoy every minute of every day. She claims it’s helping her accept the fact that she’s going to die relatively soon. I don’t see it, but who am I to fight her on how she chooses to cope? He nods before crouching down to talk to his son. Seeing these simple interactions is like a knife to my heart.
Not able to stand the pain of watching how good he is with his child, even if he doubts his abilities, I turn my attention to Alyssa. She looks more run down today, even if she thinks she’s hiding it. “Everything okay?” I whisper in her ear while Xavier is occupied. I force myself to slip into caretaker mode, as much to remind myself that this is why I’m here as to check on her.
“I’m fine,” she lies. We both turn to see Jacob giggle at something Xavier says. “I pushed too hard with Jacob today. I could use a nap more than anything.” If she’s admitting to me that she’s tired, it was time for a rest hours ago. Alyssa Ross is one of the most stubborn women I know and she never admits to feeling less than well.
I haven’t mentioned anything to Xavier, and Alyssa and I don’t talk about it, but she’s been relying on pain meds more frequently for the past week as well. Even I can’t ignore the fact that it’s getting close to time.
Jacob begs me to spend the night as we unload suitcases from the car. The only thing I want right now is my bed. And some space. Xavier and I have spent the last two days of the cruise trying to pretend everything was normal, carefully avoiding any risk of having to truly interact with one another.
“Buddy, I have to go pick up Brody from the dog sitter. I think he misses me.” At least I’ll still have him when this is all over. Then again, with as much time as he’s spent alone, and now five days at the kennel, I wouldn’t be surprised if my dog turns his back on me, leaving me completely alone. “But I’ll be back early tomorrow morning, okay?”
Jacob’s face contorts as he thinks about whether this is a satisfactory compromise in his opinion. It’s amazing how much he’s changed since I met him. He’s like this mature little man, thinking about everything he’s doing, asking questions as to why things are the way they are.
“I guess,” he pouts. Less than a minute later, he’s running through the house, his disappointment forgotten.
After Alyssa is settled in for the night, I excuse myself. I’m already pushing it to get to the kennel before they close for the night. I could leave Brody
there until morning, but after I talk to Stacey, I’m pretty sure I’ll want him curled up in bed next to me tonight.
Hoping to get this over with as quickly as possible, I reach into the bottom of my purse for my phone. Stacey’s number is programmed into speed dial, so I’m able to connect without taking my eyes off the road.
“Hey, hot stuff!” she answers before the first full ring. “How was the trip? Man, I think I’m in the wrong line of work, I need a rich family to take me on a freaking cruise in the middle of winter!”
Knowing what I do now, it amazes me how Stacey is able to go on with her days, acting as if she wasn’t single-handedly responsible for causing me years of turmoil and heartache. If it hadn’t been for her, I would have at least found closure, but she robbed me of that. I’m tempted to scream at her for what she did, but I bite my tongue. She’s not going to get off the hook with nothing more than a tongue lashing, I want her to look me in the eyes when she tries to justify what she’s done to me. “It was interesting, that’s for sure,” I respond, hoping my voice is steady. God, I hate that she knows me so well. “Can you meet me at my place in about an hour?”
It’s going to be cutting it close to head to the outskirts of town and make it back to my apartment in an hour, but I don’t want to put this off any longer. I would rather she be waiting for me when I get there than pace around my living room waiting for her to show up. I hope I have a bottle of wine ready for when she finally leaves.
“Yeah, you sure you don’t wanna head out? You’re always working, even more than you used to. Are you getting paid for all this time?” I’m not, but that doesn’t matter to me. I don’t spend extra time with Alyssa and Jacob for the money, I do it because they need me. There’s no sense pointing that out to Stacey because she’s the type of person who only goes above and beyond the bare minimum expected of her if she’s well compensated. For the past forty-eight hours, I’ve been trying to figure out how we stayed friends as long as we have. We have nothing in common and most of her personality traits are more grating than endearing.
“No, I want to chill at my place. You know how it is when you get home from vacation.”
Stacey pulls into the apartment complex parking lot at the same time I turn in. I’m shocked she’s already here. Luckily, I have the time it takes me to go up to my apartment from the underground parking garage to compose myself. Now that this is really happening, I’m not feeling nearly as brave as I was an hour ago. I hate confrontation.
“Hey, chicka!” she squeals, running across my living room as she opens the door. Mental note, get locks changed tomorrow morning.
“Hey,” I say unenthusiastically. I toss one arm limply over her shoulder when she hugs me as if this is the first time we’ve seen one another in decades. I shudder, wishing I hadn’t touched her. Bile rises in my throat as I get ready to jump into what’s bound to be an epic blow-up for us. I motion for her to take a seat on the couch as I curl up with Brody in the papasan chair. “So, I have to tell you something…”
Brody climbs up my chest, giving me kisses which does help ease my nerves. At least he still loves me. “I’m working for Xavier.” I’m surprised Stacey’s head doesn’t spin out of control with how quickly she turns to look at me.
“What in the fuck are you talking about? I thought you got that stupid fucker out of your system years ago,” she snaps. Her nostrils flare as she lets out a deep breath, her loathing of the man still quite evident. “How in the hell did he even find you?”
“We’ll get to that whole ‘out of my system’ business in a minute. As for your last question, it was completely random. His wife is dying and she’s my client.” Stacey’s brow arches as she listens. I’m wondering if she heard a word that I said after mentioning her statement about me getting over Xavier. She has to know that I know the truth. Even she’s not that vapid. I hope.
“Uh, and why am I just finding this out now? You’ve told me about Alyssa, but you somehow failed to mention that she’s the wife of the man who tore you down to nothing!” I hear something clatter to the floor of the kitchen when Stacey goes in search of something to drink. I would tell her to get out of my fridge, but I figure she might as well have something strong because I’m not going to let this go. “And why in the fuck wouldn’t you tell him to go to hell when you realized who he was?”
“You are just finding this out now because I knew that this,” I say, motioning toward her, “is how you would react. And I was tempted to turn down the assignment, but I thought better of it. And I’m glad I did. Do you know why?” My voice is so steady and calm I’m scaring myself.
“Can’t wait to hear this one,” Stacey grumbles, flopping back on my couch, beer in hand.
I set Brody on the ground so I can lean forward in my chair. “I’m going to ask you some questions and you had better not fucking lie to me,” I seethe. That calm I felt, yeah, it’s leaving. Stacey’s eyes bug out, likely because I have never talked to anyone with such vitriol. She nods but remains mute. Probably for the best at this point. “How often did Xavier call the apartment after I moved back?”
“Fuck, I don’t know! That was a long time ago, Mel.” At least she didn’t try telling me he didn’t call at all. “What is this about?”
Either my best friend thinks I’m a moron or she’s dumber than I thought. I cannot believe she has the audacity to look at me with her big blue eyes, acting like she has no clue what I found out while I was supposed to be enjoying Nassau. Rather than continue pressing her about the phone calls, I move on. I got all the answer I needed on that issue.
“Care to tell me about the letter from Xavier?” She visible flinches at my question but doesn’t say anything in response. We sit there staring at one another, each waiting for the other to speak. Poor Brody sits on the floor between us looking utterly confused by the tension. Finally, I crack. “You’re not even going to deny it? Come on, Stacey, you have to have something to say.”
When she simply shrugs, I wish I was a violent woman because I’d love to knock her head right off those fidgety shoulders. “Wow, I can’t believe you,” I groan. The acid churns in my stomach, leaving me worried that I will have to rush to the bathroom soon.
“I’ve spent the past two days wondering what you would have to say for yourself. What you would come up with to justify not letting Xavier talk to me the many times he called. And most of all, I have been dying to hear why you thought it was, in any way, acceptable for you to write that letter.” Silence. My supposed best friend has nothing to say and can’t even have the courtesy to look upset about the fact that she’s been busted.
Her reaction makes me feel even more like a fool. If I had a momentary lapse of sanity and did something like this to her, I would be on my knees groveling for forgiveness, trying to make her see why I did what I did. But no, she just sits there picking at the label on her beer bottle.
“Fucking talk to me!” I scream, jumping out of my chair. Brody yelps before hiding behind the couch. “If the past decade has meant anything to you, talk to me and tell me why you did it!”
“You want to know why?” she yells back. Finally, a reaction out of her. “Because you weren’t strong enough to deal with him. If you had talked to Xavier, you would have forgiven him and the cycle would have started all over again! I watched you give yourself to him and he treated you like a fucking child.”
Stacey never has, nor will she ever, understand the dynamics of my former relationship with Xavier. I’ve tried to make her understand more times than I can count, so I don’t expect one more round to bring her clarity. “It wasn’t your place to make that decision for me, Stacey.” I’m calmer now that she’s actually talking to me. It hurts because I know we’re not going to kiss and make up, but at least I’ll have the closure with her that I never had with Xavier. “I was an adult. I should have been allowed to make my own decision.”
“Do you not get it? You were a fucking wreck,” Stacey yells, pacing from the living room to the kitc
hen. “And for what? Because you dared to go to a party without his consent? Who the fuck kicks the woman he claims to love out of the house they share because she disobeyed his wishes?”
“That’s not what it was and you know it,” I say softly. When it comes to Stacey, I can’t bring myself to fight. Maybe I would have if Xavier and I had talked while at home, but having time and distance to process my thoughts, I see that there’s nothing there to salvage. In reality, I think she and I have been drifting for a long time, this issue coming to light has just served as the catalyst for both of us to head in the direction our lives are supposed to take. “I think you need to go.”
On the off-chance that my serenity is a façade, I retreat to my bedroom, leaning against the door until I hear her leave. And then, I slide to the floor and cry.
For the loss of my best friend.
For the knowledge that Xavier had tried to talk to me. And that there’s not a thing I can do about it.
For Alyssa, the woman I wanted to hate and couldn’t, who will be taken away from us far too soon.
And I cry, knowing that in less than seventy-two hours, my heart has gone from somewhat healthy to completely and devastatingly empty.
Chapter 8
If avoidance was a sport, Melanie would be well on her way to the professional ranks by this point. In the three weeks since we flew home from the cruise, it’s been entertaining to see the lengths she is willing to go to in order to avoid being in the same room with me. At first, it was that she needed to switch out laundry, at which point I reminded her that she is not the housekeeper. She ignored me, mumbling something about wanting to give me more time to spend with Jacob and Alyssa.
Fragile Bonds Page 7
