by LP Lovell
I can’t help but laugh at her expression. “Yes, everything.”
“What did he say?” She finally manages to ask.
I smile. “Nothing. He was angry, but I guess I should have expected that. Bloody man thinks he can protect me from all demons, past and present.”
“I’m proud of you Lill’s.” She smiles softly. “I genuinely never thought I would see the day when you would place that much trust in someone.”
I shrug. “What can I say? The guy is obsessed with me. A girl can only take so much.” I smirk, blowing off her sappy comments. It’s not that I don’t agree with her, but it makes me uncomfortable.
She snorts. “Understatement of the century.” She mumbles.
“I figure, if he can deal with my ugly shit, then I can deal with Cassie.”
She frowns. “There is no dealing. He’s lucky to have you.” She huffs.
I roll my eyes and change the subject. “Anyway, enough about my odd relationship and onto yours…what is going on with you and Hugo?” She starts to speak but I hold up my hand. “If you say ‘we’re just having fun’, I may have to kill you.” I eye her meaningfully.
She scowls at me. “It is not a relationship.” Glad to see I’m not the only one with issues. Truth be told, I’ve been so wrapped up in all the shit that’s been going on, whilst also trying to avoid Theo, that I don’t know what is going on any more. I’m a shit friend.
“Defensive.” I mutter with a small smile on my lips.
She sighs. “I don’t know. We are having fun, but it’s just getting complicated. I mean, these things have a time limit don’t they?”
I shrug and take a sip of my coffee. “Not necessarily, I mean there are no rules.”
“I know, but…I need more. I don’t want more from Hugo. He’s not that guy. I like him though.” She releases an exasperated sigh. “Ugh, fuck, it’s just…messy.”
“I get it.” I tell her.
“You do?”
I shrug. “I like Hugo. He’s funny and loyal to those he cares about, but he’s a dog.” I shake my head. “I can’t even dislike him for it, because it’s just who he is. If it’s any consolation, in as much capacity as Hugo has I think he likes you.”
She rolls her eyes. “That just makes it worse. I’d sooner he just saw me as a casual fuck. He likes me, but not enough to stop putting his cock in any fucking orifice he can find.” I snort. “I tell myself I’m stupid. I keep thinking that we’d be better as friends, but then the next thing I know we’re having sex.”
“Oh, I know all about that.” I laugh.
She nods. “Still, you managed to pull something from the ashes.” She remarks.
“Oh, sweetie, do not go putting Theo on a pedestal. Our situation is so far from perfect, it’s laughable.”
“It’s romantic.” She sighs, her blue eyes going all gushy. Oh god.
“Oh god. You did not just say that. We fucked, we split, he fucked, we got together, his one night stand came back knocked up, we split, and now it is definitely a ‘three’s a crowd’ situation. Romantic is not what I would call this.”
“It’s just…it’s the way he looks at you.” She says dreamily. Kill me now.
“I think I just vommed in my mouth.” I mumble into my coffee.
She offers me a small smile and glances out the window. I love Mole, and I really want her to find her perfect man, her happily ever after, because it’s all she wants. Hugo isn’t it though. Hugo has his own issues. I don’t know what has made him that way, but his care-free attitude and fuck everything with a pulse ethos are not the behaviours of a man who is truly happy. That may sound cliché, but it takes one to know one. I just don’t want my best friend getting hurt in his bid to try and feel something more than one night, because although he may feel something, it won’t be enough.
“At the risk of sounding like a total hypocrite, Molly, you need to get out. Get out before you get even more hurt.”
She focuses on me. “You’re right. I know you’re right.” She nods meekly, her expression a mixture of loss and acceptance.
“We should go out when Harry is out. The four of us will go out.” I say in an attempt to cheer her up.
She frowns. “Well, actually Hugo said to invite everyone to his Halloween party next weekend. I assume Theo will be there.”
I raise my eyebrows. “I thought we just agreed you needed to get out.”
She sighs. “We can be friends can’t we?”
“I don’t know. Can you?”
She lets out an exasperated huff. I take her following silence as a cue to move on. “Is it fancy dress?”
She scoffs. “Of course. It’s a Halloween party!”
“I swear down Molly, I am not going as a slutty nurse, or a half-naked devil.”
“Oh please, that devil costume got you more attention in one night than you get in a year.” She grins.
“We went out in underwear Mole. The only thing we achieved was becoming the content of every spank bank for miles around.” I huff.
“Oh to be young and wild again.” She laughs, checking her watch. “Shit, I have to go.” She says. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I wave her off as I stand up, wrapping my scarf around my neck.
She stands and pulls on her coat. “I can’t remember the last time we hung out sober…well, when you were sober.” She laughs.
I narrow my eyes. “Ha fucking ha.”
I drop Molly off at a meeting, not far from the coffee shop. I have to swing by the flat to grab an overnight bag. I shower and change quickly whilst I’m there. I check my watch. It’s still only four o’clock. I‘m not ready to go back to Theo’s yet. I know that we’re going to have to broach what are several big fucking pink elephants. Hanging out with Molly was a welcome reprieve. A moment, where I could pretend that things are normal. But now…as I stand here in my empty flat, it all comes rushing back in again. I need just a little longer, and so I decide to just drive.
I drive for about half an hour, until I eventually find myself parked in front of a modern looking building. The sign reads South View Rehabilitation Facility. I don’t really know why I’m here. I wasn’t even consciously driving here. I think I feel as though I’m freefalling, out of control and scrambling to grasp onto something. In the last week, my world has turned on its axis, and my usual careful control has all gone to shit. Even this thing with Theo, it’s so intense. We’re either on or we’re off. We hate each other or we love each other. There’s no middle ground, no off switch, and I just…I need a moment. I’m scrambling to catch up. My focus is pulled in what feels like a hundred different directions.
I guess I want to see Cassie. In a cruel way, I think it’s refreshing to hang around with someone whose life is more of a mess than mine. I can help Cassie, where I can’t even help myself, and that somehow makes me feel better. I pity her, and even though I fucking hate pity myself, it makes me want to be here for her, even at the risk of stirring some unwelcome feelings.
I’d be lying if I said the baby thing didn’t bother me. I love Theo, in a way that I’ve never loved anyone. I’ve never been the girl that wanted the fairy tale life. Hell, I’d settle for just a little peace and happiness. I accept this, I accept that she will have his child, and I don’t begrudge them for it. I can’t resent Cassie for giving Theo something that I never will. Life is so brutally ironic. I never thought I would find someone who made me want that, and yet when I do, someone else gives him the one thing that I can’t. That’s just the way the chips fell.
I think what makes this harder, is watching Theo shun her. I worry that it’s because of me. What he doesn’t realise is that he’s just making it harder, because I would never forgive myself if I thought he left that child because of me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m scared of what will happen if he won’t step up for that child, because I don’t think I could love a man who could just turn his back on an innocent baby.
Yeah, my head literally feels like it’s ready t
o explode.
I turn off the engine, open the door and step out onto the tarmac. My heels click rhythmically as I walk across the car park.
I don’t know what I’m going to say to Cassie. I just know that I made a choice, and that choice includes her. Theo can’t face this right now. I have to have faith that he will come around, and I will stand in his stead until he does. I will make sure that baby is okay, even if it’s parents don’t seem to be overly bothered.
The nurse at the reception desk directs me through to a common room. It’s all modern and sleek, with several flat screen TV’s mounted on the walls. Cassie sits in the corner of the room on a big leather chair. She has a book in her hand and her attention is fixed on its pages. The window next to her has the curtains pulled back. The red light of the fading autumn sun washes over her features.
“Hey, Cassie.” I say quietly when I approach her.
She looks surprised before offering me a small smile. “Oh, hi Lilly. What are you doing here?” Guilt niggles at me. I haven’t been to see her since I brought her here over a week ago. I know she has no-one, and I feel awful knowing that she’s been here all alone. I’ve just had too much of my own shit going on.
I take a seat opposite her. She looks good. Well, better. Her skin has more colour, and she’s put on a little weight. “Well, it’s been a week. I wanted to see how you were doing.” I say quietly.
She nods and closes her book. “I’ve been good. I just…this is a safe place for me.”
I nod. “You’ll get better Cassie, and then you’ll be fine.” I smile at her.
She nods, and a small frown line appears between her eyes. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever been addicted to anything?” There’s no accusation or inflection in her voice, just a simple question. There is only one thing in my life that I can say I have been properly addicted to; Theodore Ellis. If addiction is the inability to give up something because of the euphoric feeling it brings you, then I am addicted to Theo. I have a feeling that she knows that feeling all too well.
“Uh no.” I respond, partly because being addicted to another human being is insane, and partly because I don’t think I can compare that to cocaine addiction.
“It’s a constant struggle. I mean, why wouldn’t you give in to feeling amazing? How do you have the will power to remain miserable, when happiness is so easy?” I can relate. I used to use sex in the same way. Maybe I do have an addiction? “It’s different for you. You have a nice shiny life, something worth fighting for. I’ve always had nothing.” Funny how people perceive things sometimes.
She’s right though, in a way. I judged her for being a drug addict. I couldn’t believe that she could do that whilst pregnant, but I don’t know her. I don’t live in her life. I know what I would do, but she isn’t me.
“You’re right Cassie, but you don’t have to just accept your life for what it is. You don’t have to be resigned to being a drug addict, a stripper, a friendless single mother. You can turn that around at any point should you choose. Life is whatever you make of it. Nobody owes you anything. You only get in life what you are willing to go out and fight for.” She says nothing. “And you have something to fight for. That baby.” She glances away guiltily. “I get that this didn’t pan out the way you wanted it to, but that baby is the good in all this.” I smile faintly. She doesn’t respond. “Look. I can see you’re not quite in the place to see this clearly yet, but you think about it.”
She nods. We talk for a while. I try to get to know a little about her, but there isn’t really much to know. Abusive father. Ran away from home at sixteen. Drugs, sex, stripping. It’s a sad but all too common story.
“I have no-one.” She says quietly when she’s finished.
“Look, I know this is weird for both of us, but I will help you, okay? You need anything, you call me.”
“Thank you.” She whispers. I stand up, pulling on my coat. Her eyes follow me as I rise.
“Why? Why do you keep doing this?” She asks.
I smile sadly. “When I needed rescuing, someone risked everything for me.”
“Who?”
“My brother.” I choke.
Her lips kick up a little, a dimple sinking into her cheek. “He sounds like a good man.”
“The best.” I whisper.
“I’ve never had anyone like that.” She says quietly.
I nod. “Exactly. I may not be the most likely candidate, but I’m apparently all you have right now.”
She drops her face, her hair falling forward to hide her features. “Theo hates me.” She says it as a statement.
I sigh. What am I supposed to say to that? “Theo…Theo will come around eventually. I know him. He would never abandon that baby.” I have to believe that.
She looks up meeting my eyes. “You still love him.” Of course I love him. There’s a sadness in her eyes that makes me bite my tongue. I should be honest. I should tell her that Theo and I are together, and yet I don’t. She may be deluded and irrational in her feelings toward Theo, but sometimes you can’t help the way you feel. She is in love with him. She’s hormonal and in rehab for a severe drug addiction. Now isn’t the time.
“I’ll stop by next week Cassie.” I don’t wait for an answer. I leave the way I came in. Seeing her isn’t easy, but it makes me feel better, as though it makes me a stronger person somehow. It feels good to be strong for someone else. Funny that I’ve never been able to do that for anyone before.
I get back in the car and check my phone. There are three missed calls from Theo. I sigh and start to make the short drive home. We need to talk. It feels like a swarm of bees have taken up residence inside my head. There are so many thoughts, questions and doubts flying through my skull. I feel like the game has totally changed, and I no longer know the rules. Theo and I have always had a difficult relationship. We’ve never been on the same page. I’ve always kept him at arm’s length, never quite letting him get close. Now though, I haven’t just let him get close, I’ve let him in. He sees me for what I am. How can two people who have had a largely sexual relationship, make it through all this shit? Fuck, after what I told him, he might not even want me like that anymore. Insecurities start to surface and I feel physically sick. Time to face the music. I wish I could muster some armour, but it’s blown to shit, shattered and irredeemable.
CHAPTER FOUR
THEO
I’m in the kitchen attempting to actually make food, when I hear the door downstairs shut, and Lilly’s heels tap across the wood flooring. It takes her a while to come upstairs.
“Hey.” She says as she reaches the top of the stairs.
I narrow my eyes at her. “Where have you been?”
Her face becomes expressionless. “I went to the police station and then I went to see Molly. Why?” She approaches the breakfast bar. I meet her guarded eyes across the enormous marble slab.
“I tried to call you, and then I called Molly, who said you left two hours ago.”
She turns on me with a fierce expression. “Jesus, Theo, what are you my keeper? We’ve been back together five minutes. Do not act like you own me.”
I stop what I’m doing and meet her glare. “What the fuck? I’m concerned for you.”
“Yeah well, I don’t need your concern.” She snaps.
“Oh no, you’re not doing that.”
“Not doing what?”
“The whole, ‘I don’t need you’, and I look after myself.” She says nothing, but if looks could kill… “Just stop. Put the claws away. I’m just asking.” I say calmly.
“Well maybe if you didn’t interrogate me the moment I get here, then I won’t feel the need to scratch your eyes out.” She hisses. “I went for a drive. It’s been a tough few days. I needed…space.” She mumbles.
I place my hands on the breakfast bar and drop my head forward. This was never going to be easy, but I had hoped that I would stop coming up against constant walls where she’s concerned. “Space from me?” I ask
without looking at her.
“No, I…I don’t know.” She mimics my stance, with her hands against the breakfast bar. She lets out an exasperated breath. “Look, I’m fine now.” She flashes a small smile as if to prove it. Tension radiates from her.
“You sure?” I ask. Lilly’s default when it gets tough is to run. I want her to just stop for once, to realise that I’m on her side. She nods.
Unconvinced, I move around the breakfast bar, closing the distance between us. I grab her, pulling her up against my chest. Her stance is still stiff and guarded.
“I love you, sugar.” I murmur into her hair. Her muscles relax, as she softens into my hold. She’s like a cat, all predatory teeth and claws, but all she really wants is to be petted and loved. Not that I would ever fucking tell her that.
“I’m sorry.” She whispers. “I just feel…different.” Her voice is laced with confusion.
“Different?”
She pulls her head away from my chest, her brilliant eyes glancing up at me. “We’re different now.” She’s right, things have changed.
I remember the first time I ever saw her. She was beautiful, so sexy. She grabbed me by the balls, and she’s never fucking let go. I remember thinking that she was so unattainable, so untouchable. It’s only now, when her walls have crumbled around her, that I see just how untouchable she always was, even when she was telling me she loved me, there was always a wall between us. She was always protecting herself, protecting her secrets, just waiting for rejection. But I won’t reject her, not ever, and she knows it. She’s no longer protecting herself, and I see her. For her to trust me with that is huge. She’s right, we are different, because she is different. I can see it makes her unsure, uncomfortable even. I watch as a small line appears between her eyebrows.
