“What are you talking about?” Xavier cried. “We have to do something! Beth didn’t choose this. She was kidnapped, remember? That’s actually a criminal offense in my world. Are you saying it’s okay in yours?”
Gabriel sighed and replied as patiently as he could. “There are laws that govern Heaven and Hell that have existed since the beginning of time.”
“What is that even supposed to mean?”
“I think what Gabe is trying to say is that we don’t make the rules. We have to wait for instructions,” Ivy said.
“Wait?” echoed Xavier, growing more frustrated at their lack of resolve. “You can wait till doomsday if you like, but I don’t plan to just sit around.”
“We don’t have a choice,” said Gabriel sternly. They could not have been more different, angel and mortal, polarized by their opposing views of the universe. Gabriel, I could see, was losing patience. Xavier’s incessant questions were draining him. He longed for solitude in order to commune with the powers above. Xavier on the other hand was not going to feel better until he was offered a plan of action. He was applying the rules of logic that state for every problem a solution can be found. Ivy, who was much more aware of Xavier’s emotional state than Gabriel, gave my brother a look that suggested he should tread carefully.
“Rest assured, if there’s a way, we will find it,” she said more encouragingly.
“It won’t be easy,” Gabriel qualified.
“But not impossible, right?” I could sense that Xavier was clutching desperately to any hope, however slim.
“No, not impossible,” my sister said with a small smile.
“I want to help,” said Xavier.
“And you can, but right now we need to consider our next move very carefully.”
“Rushing in without thinking could make things worse for Bethany,” Gabriel warned.
“How could it get any worse?” Xavier demanded.
The more I listened to their deliberations the more frustrated I became. I wanted to be part of their discussions and I wanted to help them. It was strange being talked about in the third person when I was right there in the room. If only I could share with them what I knew, it might help them devise a more effective plan. Being both present and utterly useless grew so maddening that I thought I’d explode. There must be some way to make my presence known to them. How could they not sense my proximity? Those I loved most were a hand’s breadth away and yet totally inaccessible.
“We can’t act independently of instruction,” Ivy tried to placate.
“And how long is that gonna take?’
“The Covenant is aware of the crisis. They will contact us when they see fit.” Gabriel refused to disclose more.
“What do we do till then?”
“I suggest we pray.”
Suddenly I was worried. It was obvious they couldn’t act without first seeking counsel. It was not only standard practice but also the wisest thing to do. I could see that. But what would the Covenant advise? Gabriel had sounded so confident moments ago, but even he did not have the power to contravene their decisions. What if in their infinite wisdom they decided to cut their losses? After all, I hadn’t been much of an asset when I was aboveground. I was forever stirring up trouble and creating conflicts for them to solve rather than following instructions. Obedience was not my strong point and while rebellion was expected in a human, in an angel it was inexcusable. Would this trait that had set me apart from my own kind now spell the end of my value in Heaven?
Even if the Covenant was feeling charitable and deemed me worthy of rescue, breaking into Hell would be the greatest challenge my siblings had ever had to face. It was quite likely they themselves might perish in the attempt. Was that risk worth taking? I didn’t want to jeopardize their safety, but at the same time my longing to be reunited with them was enormous. As for Xavier, I couldn’t bear the thought of any harm coming to him on my account. I’d rather endure the torments of the pit before I’d allow that to happen. I looked at his smooth, tanned arms resting on the tabletop, the familiar cord of soft plaited leather twined around his wrist, and the silver ring I’d given him shining on his index finger. I strained toward him, my fingers seeking his.
“Xavier!” I cried. “Xavier, I’m here!”
To my surprise I heard a faint echo of my own words in the room. Gabriel, Ivy, and Xavier all snapped their heads in my direction like satellites seeking radio signals. An expression of disbelief crossed Xavier’s face, as if his sanity had just been cast into doubt.
“Am I losing it or did you guys hear that too?”
My brother and sister looked at each other, uncertainty on their faces.
“We heard it,” said Gabriel, his mind already whirring as he contemplated possible explanations for what’d just happened. I hoped he didn’t assume it was a demon playing tricks on them.
Ivy closed her eyes and I felt her energy in the room, searching for me. But when she reached the place where I hovered, she passed right through me and I realized that any connection I’d made had lasted only seconds and then shattered.
“There’s nothing here,” my sister said, but I could see she was unsettled.
Xavier was unconvinced. “No, I heard her voice … she was here.”
“Perhaps Bethany is closer than we realize,” said Gabriel.
Xavier’s eyes darted around the room, searching the air. I focused hard and tried desperately to transmit my thoughts to him. Instead the opposite happened and my presence in the room became diluted. I felt my consciousnesses pulling away from the familiar kitchen at Byron. I fought hard against leaving and even tried wrapping myself around the back of a chair, but the room only dissolved around me.
Everything went black, and when the blackness cleared, I saw my body lying by the Lake of Dreams, just as I’d left it. Tucker was there, shaking me by the shoulders.
“Come back, Beth. It’s time to come back.” I returned to my body with a jolt. All of Byron’s warmth was gone, replaced with the cold and damp of the canal.
“Why did you do that?” I protested loudly. “I wanted more time.”
“We can’t be missing any longer. It’s too risky. But don’t worry, the magic will stay with you now.”
“Are you saying I can project anytime I want to?”
“Yep,” Tucker said proudly. “Once a person drinks from the Lake of Dreams, it flows inside you. It shares its power. You can only reverse it by drinking from the river Lethe.”
“That really exists?” I asked curiously.
“Sure does,” Tucker said. “It literally means ‘oblivion.’ Some people call it the River of Forgetfulness. It makes you forget who you are.”
“That sounds awful. Is it cursed?”
“Not necessarily,” Tucker said. “Some people have done things in their lives they don’t want to remember. When you drink from the river Lethe, all your bad memories sink to the bottom.”
I peered at him closely. “You sound pretty sure of yourself. Do you know someone who’s done it?”
“Yeah.” Tucker looked at his shoes. “That’d be me.”
“What were you trying to escape?” I asked without thinking and Tucker laughed.
“Not much point asking me that now, is there?”
“I guess not,” I said, taking his arm. “I’m glad the river made things easier for you.”
Tucker squeezed my hand, but he didn’t look convinced.
We made our way back to the hotel at twice the speed at which we’d set out, fearful of being discovered. All I could think about was Xavier’s hands, not tense as I’d just seen them but stroking my face the way he used to when we felt that all the darkness in the world could not dampen our happiness.
How naïve we were to think as we did then. I knew now how lethal darkness could be. It would take every ounce of courage we possessed to fight it. Even then I didn’t like our chances.
12
Hanna’s Story
AFTER my first try at wh
at Tucker called projection, it was hard to think about anything else. Now that I’d had a taste of home, Hotel Ambrosia seemed emptier than ever. As the days passed I found myself going through the motions without complaint, eagerly awaiting the next opportunity to return to Venus Cove and keep up with what was happening there. So when Hanna was brushing my hair or fussing over me my mind was conspiring to achieve my only goal: seeing Xavier again. When Tucker was keeping vigil I was counting down the minutes until he finally went to bed and I was free to roam again the place where I belonged, even if it was only as an unseen entity.
Tucker was better at reading my thoughts than I realized.
“It’s addictive, ain’t it?” he said. “At first you can’t get enough.” I couldn’t deny it. Being transported back to Byron had given me a rush greater than any I’d experienced.
“It felt so real. I was so close I could smell them.”
Tucker watched me closely. “You should see your face. It lights up when you talk about them.”
“That’s because they’re everything to me.”
“I know, but there’s somethin’ you need to keep in mind. Every time you go back they’ve moved on a little with their lives. In time their pain dulls and you become a fond memory. In the end you feel like nothin’ but a ghost visiting strangers.”
“It would never be like that for me.” I glared at Tucker. The thought of Xavier moving on was unbearable and I refused to so much as entertain the idea. “Besides, aren’t you forgetting something? I’m not a ghost. I happen to be alive. See?” I gave my arm a decent pinch and watched a blotch of red appear on the white skin. “Ouch!”
Tucker smiled a little at my demonstration. “You want to go again right now, don’t you?”
“Of course. Wouldn’t you?”
“Have you always been this impatient?”
“No,” I replied tartly. “Only as long as I’ve been human.” Tucker frowned and I wondered whether he doubted my ability to use this new gift responsibly. I decided to try and ease his mind.
“Thanks again for showing me, Tuck. I needed something to help me survive in this place and seeing my family again meant so much.”
Tucker, who was unaccustomed to praise, looked abashed and shuffled his feet on the carpet.
“You’re welcome,” he mumbled. Then his face clouded.
“Please be careful. I don’t know what Jake would do if he ever found out.”
“I’ll be careful,” I agreed. “But I’m going to find a way to get us out.”
“Us?” he repeated.
“Of course. We’re a team now.”
TUCKER had figured right. I did plan to go back that very night. The taste of home I’d been given had only whet my appetite, not satisfied it. I wasn’t lying when I told him I was going to try and get us out, but it wasn’t uppermost on my mind at that moment. My impulse was far more self-indulgent than that. I just wanted to see Xavier again and pretend that nothing had changed. Whatever he was doing, I wanted to be there beside him. I wanted to absorb as much of his presence as I could and take it back with me. It would act like a talisman to get me through the interminably long days and nights ahead.
So when Hanna appeared in the doorway carrying my supper on a tray, my first impulse was to send her away. I was anxious to climb into my oversize bed and start the process that would send me home again. Hanna looked at me the way she always did, like she wished there was more she could do to help. Even though she was younger she’d adopted a maternal attitude toward me, as if I were a fledgling that had to be protected and nursed to strength. It was only to satisfy Hanna that I ate hasty mouthfuls of what she’d prepared — crusty bread, some kind of chunky stew, and a fruit tart. Afterward she didn’t leave right away but lingered and I sensed she had something on her mind.
“Miss,” she said eventually. “What was your life like before you came here?”
“I was in my senior year of high school and living in a small town where everybody knew one another.”
“But that wasn’t where you came from.”
It surprised me that Hanna should make reference to my former home. I was so used to protecting our secret on earth, I kept forgetting that here my true identity was common knowledge.
“I may not have come from Venus Cove,” I admitted. “But it became my home. I went to a school called Bryce Hamilton and I had a best friend called Molly.”
“My parents were workers in a factory,” Hanna said suddenly. “We were too poor for me to go to school.”
“Did you have books at home?”
“I never learned to read.”
“It’s not too late,” I said encouragingly. “I’ll teach you, if you like.”
Instead of reassuring her, as I’d hoped, my words seemed to have the opposite effect on Hanna. She dropped her gaze and her smile vanished.
“There’s not much point now, miss,” she said.
“Hanna,” I began, choosing my words carefully. “Can I ask you a question?”
She shot me a frightened look and then nodded.
“How long have you been here?”
“Over seventy years,” she replied in a resigned tone.
“And how is it that someone as gentle and kind as you ended up here?” I asked.
“It’s a long story.”
“I’d like to hear it,” I said and Hanna shrugged.
“There’s not much to tell. I was young. I wanted to save someone more than I wanted my own soul. I made a pact, sold myself into this life, and when I realized my mistake, it was too late.”
“Would you choose differently if you could have your time over?”
“I suppose I would try to achieve the same outcome but in a different way.” Hanna’s eyes seemed to mist over, and she stared wistfully ahead, lost in her own memories.
“That means you’re sorry. You were too young to know what you were doing. When my family comes for me, we’ll take you with us. I won’t leave you behind.”
“Don’t waste your time worrying about me, miss. I made the decision to come freely and there’s no backing out of a deal like that.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I said breezily. “All deals are open to renegotiation.”
Hanna smiled, her wariness slipping for a moment. “I would like forgiveness,” she said in a small voice, “but there’s no one here to offer it.”
“Maybe if you tell me about it you’ll feel better.” Anxious as I was to return to Xavier’s side, I couldn’t ignore Hanna’s cry for help. She had cared for me and nursed me through some dark hours and I was indebted to her. Besides, I’d only been in Hades a few weeks. Whatever burden Hanna was carrying, she’d carried for decades. The least I could do was set her mind at ease if it was within my power. I shifted my position to make room for her and patted the bedspread beside me. To an ignorant onlooker we might have looked like two girls sharing teenage confidences.
Hanna hesitated and glanced at the door before sitting down beside me. I knew she felt uncomfortable because she kept her eyes lowered and her fingers, red from washing, nervously twisted the buttons on her uniform. She was weighing up in her mind whether she could trust me. Who could blame her? She was alone in Jake’s underworld. There was no one for her to turn to for a kind word or advice. She had come to feel grateful for every meal and every night she slept through unharmed. I had the feeling that if anyone were to try to hurt Hanna, she would endure it like a martyr because she didn’t believe she deserved any better.
Hanna leaned back and sighed. “I hardly know where to begin. I haven’t spoken about my old life in such a long time.”
“Start wherever you like,” I prompted.
“I’ll begin then with Buchenwald,” she said softly. She spoke with detachment; her youthful face devoid of feeling, as if she were a storyteller narrating a fable rather than giving a firsthand account.
“The concentration camp?” I asked incredulously. “You were there? I had no idea!” I instantly regretted my interrupt
ion as I could see my reaction had halted Hanna’s train of thought. “Please, go on.”
“In life my name was Hanna Schwartz. In 1933, I had my sixteenth birthday. The Depression hit workers the hardest. We had little money and I had no skills so I joined the Hitler Youth, and when Buchenwald was opened, I was sent to work there.” She paused and drew a deep breath. “I knew that everything happening there was wrong. Not just wrong, I knew I was surrounded by evil, but I felt powerless to do anything about it and I did not want to let my family down. All around me people were asking: Where is God in this? How could he let this happen? I tried not to think about it, but deep down I was angry with God — I blamed him. I was planning to apply for a transfer and leave the camp to go home to my parents, when a girl arrived who I recognized. I knew her from home. We had played together as children. She lived in my street and went to the local school. Her father was a doctor. He treated my brother once when he had measles and didn’t even ask for payment. Esther was her name. She shared her books from school with me because she knew how badly I wanted to learn. I was too young to understand the difference between us. I knew her life was like mine only she was wealthier, she went to school, and she was a Jew. I knew the SS had evicted and relocated her family, but I didn’t see her again until she turned up that day at Buchenwald. She was with her mother and I tried to stay out of sight. I didn’t want them to see me there. Esther wasn’t well when they brought her in and she seemed only to get worse. There was something wrong with her lungs and she couldn’t breathe properly. She was too weak to work and I knew what her fate would be. It was only a matter of time. Somehow, I knew I couldn’t let it happen.
“That was when I met Jake. He was one of the young officers overseeing the camp, but he looked different from how he does now. His hair was lighter and in his uniform he was not so conspicuous. I knew he liked me. He smiled at me and tried to make conversation whenever I served food to the officers. One day I was saddened thinking of Esther and he stopped me to ask what was wrong. I made the mistake of trusting him and took the opportunity to tell him about my fears for my childhood friend. When he told me he might be able to help, I couldn’t believe my luck. I thought if I could do one good thing I might be able to respect myself again. Karl, that was what Jake called himself then, was so beautiful and so mesmerizing. The fact that someone like him would acknowledge my existence, let alone show interest in my problems, was flattering. He asked me whether I believed in God and I told him that the way my life had played out so far, if there was ever a God, he must have deserted us. Karl told me he had a secret he wanted to share, because he felt he could trust me. He told me he served a higher master, one who repaid loyalty. He said I could help Esther if I swore undying loyalty to him. He told me not to be afraid and that I would be rewarded for my sacrifice with eternal life. When I think back on it, I don’t know why he bothered to single me out. I think he must have been bored and looking for someone to play with.” Hanna paused as her mind traveled back to her dark past. “It sounded so simple at the time.”
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