by Sam Cheever
“Does Santa go off planet a lot?”
She shrugged her round shoulders, grinning. “Not every year but sometimes. When things aren’t going well in the workshop or he’s having elf troubles.” Her laughter shook her well rounded belly and set her massive boobs to jiggling. “He’s a big bear of a man, Mx. Phelps, and he overcomes an incredible amount of diversity every year to get his gifts distributed to the world, but occasionally he gets overwhelmed. And this year the Elves have been particularly troublesome. They’re demanding less work for more pay...that kind of thing. Santa keeps reminding them that they only work half the year as it is and that they live at the Workshop all year for nothing.” She shook her head. “But they’ve got a bug up their butts and won’t let it go.”
“Even if it ruins Christmas?”
“They think they have Santa over a barrel.”
I dropped my butt into the chair in front of Santa’s desk and reached for a thickly frosted sugar cookie. “Is there something different about this time? Why is Ralphy so sure Santa was kidnapped?”
Mx. Claus flipped sausage shaped fingers into the air dismissively. “Ralphy’s a worrier. Santa neglected to take his extra red suit with him this time, that’s all.”
I bit the head off my frosted reindeer and chewed thoughtfully. “Did he take anything else?” I figured if he was kidnapped he wouldn’t have taken clothing or supplies with him.
The first niggle of doubt trickled through her merry gaze. She grabbed a cookie and started to nibble. Thus the jolly figure. Apparently she was a stress eater.
I figured there was probably a lot of stress dealing with a flash mob dressed in pointed hats and curly shoes every day.
“No. He didn’t. But he’s perfectly capable of finding supplies on the road.”
Which reminded me. “How does he travel when he goes off planet...generally?”
“He takes one of the sleds of course. One of the smaller ones. That way he only needs to take two reindeer. He’s sensitive to tiring them out just before Christmas.”
“So two reindeer are missing, I presume?”
She shoved another cookie into her mouth and said, “Bnotsch eggaxkwy.”
I frowned. “Huh?”
Mx. Claus swallowed and swiped a thick fingertip across her crumb covered lips. “Not exactly, no.”
I just stared at her and she stared back. After a moment her bottom lip started to quiver and her eyes began to leak.
I started to panic.
Oh good Him! Not tears! I didn’t do tears and emotionally wrecked very well. In fact I totally sucked at the “there, there” thing. I was completely not compassionate. Which probably explained why I’d bludgeoned her with questions until she’d started blubbering in the first place.
I stood up and went over to pat a well-padded shoulder. “I’ll find him, Mx. Claus. Don’t cry.”
She sniffled and sobbed anew, causing me to cast my gaze hopefully toward the door. If I broke into a full out run maybe I could make it through the door and out of Santa’s workshop before the stubby legged flash mob could catch me.
I was formulating a detailed plan of escape when the door opened and Bob the randy elf stuck his head in the door. “Rudolph’s back.”
I had no idea what he was talking about but I knew an exit line when I heard it. I gave Mx. Claus another ineffectual pat on a pudgy limb and hightailed it to the door, moving as fast as my skin tight, bell-kneed pants stuffed with giant panties could take me.
CHAPTER 2
According to Bob, Rudolph had been sent out to search for Santa shortly after he was discovered missing. Though I’d never mastered the fine art of conversing with a reindeer, I quickly gathered from the crestfallen look on Ralphy’s face that Rudolph’s search hadn’t turned anything up.
Finally Ralphy turned away and ambled toward me with a face longer than his legs.
Bob led Rudolph away, toward a clean stall filled with fresh water and hay.
“What did he say?” I asked Ralphy.
He shook his head, setting his stupid cap to bouncin’. “He searched the whole area. The snowy plains, the woods, the mountains...”
“And?”
“Nothing. All he found was a set of elf prints running from the main gate into the woods.”
“Elf prints?”
He lifted his foot, showing me a curly-toed slipper. “These leave very distinctive prints in the snow.”
“I bet. So we have nothing.”
“Not exactly nothing. I’d like to know who would be heading into the woods in the middle of our busiest season.” Ralphy’s face was dark with temper.
“Is it unusual for an elf to leave the workshop?”
“On foot? Highly. Two days before Christmas? Unheard of.” He shook his head, obviously disgusted.
“Then that must be connected to Santa’s disappearance somehow.”
That deduction didn’t make Ralphy look any happier. “I really don’t want to believe this is an inside job, Astra.”
I just shrugged. It was what it was.
“There’s one more thing.”
Judging by the look on the elf’s face, I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear what that one thing was. But I sucked it down and asked, “what?”
“Temperatures at the Pole are rising.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Very bad. If the snow starts to melt the magic dies and Christmas will be gone forever.”
“Oh. That is bad.”
Ralphy frowned. “Yes.”
I expelled breath. “Can you show me the trail of prints? I’m going to follow it and see where it ends up. If we’re lucky the culprit will be standing at the end with a guilty look on his face.”
Ralphy put his head down and headed for the door. I shuffled after him in Mx. Claus’ borrowed slippers.
~SC~
The prints were long and narrow, with a little swish mark at the front of each one where the curly bits hit the snow at the end of each step. They extended in a straight line into the woods, and they were single file.
If an elf had left the workshop and struck out for the woods, he hadn’t been walking with Santa. Or carrying him. The footprints weren’t deep enough to indicate that much weight.
Shivering in a bitter, North Pole wind, I trudged through the soft snow alongside the trail of prints. By the time I was halfway there, my ankles and feet were frozen and my teeth were clacking together. It occurred to me that I should have borrowed better clothes for my outing.
But the idea of donning a giant, red coat from Mx. Claus had been just too much for my dignity to bear.
I decided, in that moment, that dignity was highly overrated.
The snow was shallower at the edge of the woods and disappeared altogether when I entered the trees. More than that, the air felt a good twenty degrees warmer. I looked down at Ralphy. “Why is it so warm here?”
Ralphy’s lips curled. “The Grinch considers himself the anti-Christmas. He started heating the woods about a year ago, claiming that his woods wouldn’t be celebrating winter or the most magical time of the year.”
Knowing what I did of the nasty green guy I wasn’t surprised. “So this woods belongs to the Grinch?”
“Yes.”
“And yet it never occurred to you that those prints might belong to him?”
Ralphy looked like I’d smacked him ’tween the eyes. “The Grinch would never step foot in the workshop. He’d rather get gaily wrapped gifts for Christmas.” Ralphy shuddered at the very thought.
“It seems an obvious connection to me. In fact, I actually felt his magic signature in Santa’s office.”
Ralphy’s beady elf eyes grew wide. “That’s a damn lie!”
I was pretty sure elves weren’t supposed to swear. I was about to tell Ralphy this when I noticed a crumpled piece of paper lying on the ground.
A clue!
Reaching down, I picked it up and pulled it flat. It was a flyer advertising a rendition of The Christmas Carol that wa
s playing in downtown Angel City. I’d gone to the show several times in the past and it was very well done. “What would this be doing here?” I asked Ralphy.
Ralphy shrugged. “Santa sends one to the Grinch every year. He always tells us he’s going to talk the Grinch into going with him some time.” Ralphy’s little face took on a dreamy quality. “Santa never gives up. He’s the most determined man I’ve ever met.”
Judging from the fact that the flyer was scrunched into a ball on the ground, I was guessing that Santa would have to dig much deeper into that determination before he talked the Grinch into attending a play that celebrated the wonder of Christmas. “Maybe next year.” I murmured.
Ralphy just nodded. “Can we go back to the workshop now?”
“You can if you want to. I need to talk to the Grinch.”
Ralphy’s little shoulders drooped but he fell in beside me as I headed more deeply into the woods. The path we were on was narrow and the woods grew darker and creepier as we progressed.
Soon the reassuring sound of the wind creating icy drifts in pristine snow gave way to strange chirpings and unfamiliar screaming coming from the dark woods. Every once in a while I’d catch a glimpse of glowing orbs peering at us from the shadows.
The orbs would disappear in the blink of an eye and I’d be left with nothing but a growing sense of unease.
“It’s not too much farther.” Ralphy told me.
I’d noticed his steps had slowed and his worried gaze swept the area more cautiously the farther we got away from the snowy plains around Santa’s workshop. I opened my mouth to ask him why, but never got the chance.
The air in front of us suddenly exploded with flame and the sound of wings pounding the air thundered down on us. I grabbed Ralphy and leapt into the trees at the side of the path, hoping the green dragon pounding the air above us would lose interest if it couldn’t see us.
The dragon decided to fire the trees instead, in an obvious attempt to flush us out. All around us trees smoked and sizzled, but appeared disinclined to ignite.
Unfortunately, Ralphy wasn’t so lucky. The ball on the top of his stupid hat ignited in a flash, and flames crawled quickly over the soft material.
I reached over and yanked the hat off his head. “Hasn’t Santa ever heard of fire retardant fabric?” I shook my head, pulling my power forward. “Stay here.” I stepped back out onto the path and looked around, searching for the green scaled, red eyed fiend.
The not too distant thrum of heavy wings on the air told me the big reptile was circling around for another shot at us. Unlike last time, I’d be ready when it returned.
The green dropped out of a thick bank of snow clouds, its block-long wingspan undulating lazily against the sky as it prepared to dive for me again.
Fire erupted from its snout, the bright red of the flame looking kind of Christmasy against the massive creature’s green body.
The dragon pulled its wings back and stretched its neck in classic dive position.
I pulled power into my fingertips and waited for the green to get closer, planning my attack for maximum damage.
Power popped and sizzled around my hands, behind me, Ralphy whimpered in a less than manly way. I opened my mouth to tell him to man up but a dark shadow suddenly appeared in the sky above me and to the right.
I jerked my gaze in that direction and my mouth dropped open. Then another shadow appeared. And two more, coming from the other direction.
As the massive dragons dropped down from the sky, toward the green, I opened my mental drawers. Hey, Glynus! Fancy meeting you here.
Mother halfling. Did you forget I was here visiting Snoopy’s family?
I snorted, while sending censure through my mind. Glynus, he’s going to be king of the whites someday, you really shouldn’t call him that.
What? He likes it. The elegant black dragon threw back her head and screamed, the sound bringing the rogue green out of its dive, its head jerking upward in alarm. When the green saw my tadpole heading straight for it with fire in her pretty eyes and her contingent of faithful white dragon subjects, the rogue gave a single, alarmed bellow and veered off, leaving me to deal with the future queen of the white dragons and her fiancé, the gorgeous and humble Spencer.
“Is that Glynus?”
I turned to find Ralphy standing right next to me. “Yes. And her boy toy, Spence.”
Ralphy’s small face was pointed to the sky, his expression awed. He’d put his charred hat back on and it sagged pathetically. “She’s gotten big.”
I smiled sadly. “She has, hasn’t she? And beautiful.”
We watched as Spencer shot fire into the sky and roared at his guards to hang back, then he and Glynus headed straight for us.
Ralphy took a step back. “Has she learned to land better?”
I laughed. “I’m pretty sure she has.”
The elf frowned. “Pretty sure?”
“You might want to just step into the trees in case.” I was teasing him of course. Glynus was no longer the clumsy, gawky teen he’d met the previous year. She’d grown a lot in the last months, as dragons tended to do. But then I realized she was going to try to land in an area that wasn’t even as wide as her legs. Um, Glynus?
Yes, Mother halfling?
I don’t think you and Spencer are going to fit.
But they just kept coming.
I think you’ll be surprised.
Glynus...
They neared the tops of the massive trees.
Glynus!
I looked at Ralphy. “Okay, I was kidding before, but I’m not now. They’re about to crash and burn. You’d better step into the trees.”
Ralphy shook his head. “It’ll be okay, Astra.”
The two dragons were ten feet higher than our heads and half a block away when their massive legs dropped and they spread their wings to slow their momentum.
“Glynus, no!” I started toward her at a full out run. Not sure what I was going to do to save her, but going on pure instinct. I’d been her protector for two years and it was a hard habit to break.
To my shock, Glynus laughed in my mind. It’s okay. Really, Mother halfling. See?
To my amazement the two dragons landed safely and gently, only the wind from their wings creating a stir as the trees in the wood somehow gave way to their enormous bulk. In fact, as I watched in amazement, all of the trees disappeared around us, leaving behind a vast wilderness of frigid, white beauty as far as the eye could see.
“It’s an enchanted forest, Astra. It was never really here.” Ralphy supplied helpfully.
I glared at him. “Thanks for telling me. After I almost had a heart attack.”
We were back in the vast wasteland surrounding Santa’s workshop. And in the distance, without the obscuring trees to hide it, a single mountain range loomed.
The Grinch’s mountain.
High in the central peak, a dark archway rose in jagged splendor. And standing at its center was a small green and red speck, whose hostility somehow wafted across the space between us.
The Grinch.
CHAPTER 3
The air above the vast wasteland that is the North Pole was even more frigid than the air on the ground. Glynus’ heat kept me from turning into ice, but just barely. At the moment it seemed ridiculous to be worrying about the North Pole warming.
Flying solicitously close beneath us, Spencer spread an impressive set of glistening, white wings and all but disappeared from view against the snowy ground below. Only the vibrating red and green rodent riding on his back, wearing a charred stupid hat, broke the endless span of sparkling white.
Ralphy clutched one of Spence’s spikes in both gnarly little hands, his knuckles bright white. His eyes were tightly closed and his formerly rosy face was almost colorless. He was terrified.
I grinned. That’s what he got for shifting me into the workshop nakies.
Spencer sure is handsome, Glynus.
Her response was a fire tinged snort.
And he seems very sweet.
She turned her head, fixing me with a beautiful turquoise eye. You sound like my mother.
I sort of am...a surrogate mother anyway.
She shrugged.
Spencer pounded the air hard with his huge wings and rose up beside us. He turned a bright, green eye on Glynus. I could tell they spoke to each other on a mental path and wondered what they were saying.
Spencer suddenly lifted his head on a roar, and several massive white dragons shot toward us across the sky, sliding in behind us in the shape of an arrow.
What is it, tadpole?
Greens. Lots of them.
I frowned. I thought the whites and the greens had reached some sort of a truce?
The queens have. But there are factions of greens who do not wish to follow their queen’s dictates.
The Hell dragons.
Yes.
The previous year, Glynus and I had been in Hell at Christmas. Our unfortunate assignment had been to discover how hundreds of green dragons were escaping Hell. They’d been running for their lives, essentially. Hell’s sulfurous fumes were growing steadily thicker and it was poisoning them. Especially their young.
We learned that Ralphy the quivering rodent had released a few of them to the North Pole before we could stop him. There were a lot of problems with that, but the biggest one was that the Hell greens were hot blooded dragons, having spent most of their lives in the steamy environs of Hell. And being in a snowy wasteland was no doubt making them cranky.
Are they working with the Grinch?
It would appear so, yes. He’s most likely promised them an end to Santa and the workshop. They seek to engage the Escendo Prophecy.
Ahhh. So that’s what he’s up to.
Yes. Snoopy and I have been keeping an eye on the cranky little green creature for months. However, last evening our queens demanded our presence at a bridal meal.
I could clearly hear the disgust in her tone. And the Grinch chose last night to snatch Santa and set the Escendo Prophecy into motion?
It would appear so, yes.
The Escendo Prophecy tells of a time when Santa and Christmas no longer exist. The outcome of that eventuality is in question. Some read the prophecy to foretell the end of the North Pole, thinking that, without the magic and hope engendered by Christmas and its perpetrator, Santa, the whole geographic area would dissolve in upon itself and just disappear.
