“Please take care, Emi, and come back in one piece. You know I need you here.”
“I will, Jenny, don’t worry. And you take care, too.”
Emilia kisses me one more time, before she gets up, and closes the locks of her suitcase. She grabs her backpack and the trolley, and walks to the door. Before she leaves, she turns around and blows a kiss to me. “Bye, Jenny, I’ll call you as soon as I’ll have arrived.”
“Bye, Emilia, have a pleasant journey.”
The door closes behind her, and I’m alone. Again.
CHAPTER 2 – MORE GHOSTS OF THE PAST
“Hi Blackie, what’s up?” Martin says as he takes my call. “Where the hell are you? The connection is lousy.”
“Hi Martin, I’m on a train,” I answer.
“You’re on a – a train? Are you kidding me?”
“No Martin, I’m serious. I’m on a train to Munich. I’m going to see my Dad.”
I tentatively look at the passengers around me, but nobody seems to mind me using a cell phone. I’m just not used to traveling by train in a first class coach.
“Does that mean you won’t be here tomorrow, on Christmas Eve,” Martin asks, and I recognize the disappointment in his voice.
“No, I won’t be there, Martin. Please say ‘Hi’ and ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone from me.”
“Okay, I will.” There’s a short pause before Martin resumes. “I guess the good thing is I don’t have to accompany you to the Cathedral on Christmas day. For once I can sleep in.”
I have to laugh at that. “No, Martin, this year you don’t have to.”
It’s one of my quirks that I’m becoming all sentimental about Christmas, and I crave the special atmosphere in the old cathedral, with candlelight and the smell of incense. Of course Martin has always been my willing victim and been there with me.
“How long are you staying?”
“My Dad has asked me to stay a little longer. I will be back in five days, Martin.”
“I suppose that’ll be nice. I hope you have a great time. And please, take care Jenny.”
“I will. And Merry Christmas, Martin.”
“Merry Christmas, Jenny.”
I hang up with a sigh. It would be the first time in a couple of years I wouldn’t be spending Christmas with Martin. This year things are going to be different.
After Emilia left, I was lying in bed for a while, feeling lonely and sad. I thought of our Christmas celebrations when I was younger, when my whole family was still together, with my parents and my younger brother Chris, and before my stupid mother broke up with my dad. And I remembered how my Dad said I could always call him if I needed him. Quite obviously that was the case now. I got up from Emilia’s bed, and took my phone from my backpack. I crawled back under the sheets, shivering. I usually don’t sleep naked. I dialed my Dad’s number, and when he took the call I told him how I felt.
“Jenny, why don’t you spend Christmas in Munich? I’d be really happy to see you, and I’m sure Sabrina doesn’t mind either.” Sabrina is Dad’s new partner.
“I’d love to see you and Sabrina, Dad.”
“That’s decided then. Book a train ticket online, Jenny, and come here as soon as you can. Buy a first class ticket, I’ll pay for it.”
“Dad, you’re the best.” This made him smile. I could literally see him before my inner eye.
“And Jenny? Don’t worry about buying Christmas presents for us. Having you here will be my best Christmas present.”
Four hours later I’m on board of a train to Munich. When I finish my call with Martin, I put my earbuds in and listen to a few songs by The Pretty Reckless from my phone, when it goes off again. A photo of my brother Chris appears on the screen.
“Hi Chris, what’s up?”
“Hey Jenny, I just wanted – where the fuck are you?”
“I’m on a train, Chris.”
“To where?”
“Going to hell. With Taylor Momsen.”
“What? Who’s Taylor Momsen? I thought Emilia is your girlfriend.”
I roll my eyes. My little brother can be so stupid. “Taylor Momsen is a singer, Chris. You know, for The Pretty Reckless! I was just listening to them on my phone.”
“Oh. Okay.” There’s a brief silence while my brother finishes figuring that out. “But where’re you going in real life?”
“I’m going to see our Dad, Chris.”
Again there’s silence for a few moments. “So you’re going to Munich over the holidays?”
I can’t help giggling. “Yeah. I decided all of a sudden first thing this morning, and now I’m on the train.”
“Is Emilia coming with you?”
“No, she’s seeing her own family.”
“Why aren’t you with her? Did you have a fight?”
I sigh. “No, we didn’t have a fight, Chris.” I’m in absolutely no mood to explain why Emilia went alone.
“Anyway,” Chris clears his voice, “mother asked me to ask you if you wanted to see us for dinner on Christmas.”
I’m shocked. My mother and I had a huge fight six months ago when I told her I liked girls, and she kicked me out of the house. We haven’t spoken since. As much as I’d like to be on reasonably good terms with her again, I’m still pissed off. Anger shoots through my body like a bolt of lightning.
“Why can’t she call me herself and ask me? Why does she need you as a go-between?”
I can just picture the look on my brother’s face. He knows I can be a patient and caring big sister, but he also knows I can be a total bitch! I can hear him sigh.
“Well, you know how she is, Jenny. Don’t shoot me, I’m only the messenger.”
I picture him standing in front of me holding his hands up in surrender. Suddenly something dawns on me.
“She has a new man and wants to show off her family, right? That’s why she wants me to be there.”
Chris huffs. ”I don’t know, but well, maybe yes, but why would she have you, knowing it might be trouble?”
I have no explanation for that either.
“If I tell her you’re seeing Dad over the holidays, she’ll go fucking crazy,” Chris adds.
“I sure hope she will, but that’s her problem, Chris. What are you going to do on Christmas?”
“I guess I’ll have to be at home for the Christmas Eve dinner, but Leonie will come over later.”
Leonie is Chris’ girlfriend whose name I can’t seem to remember. She looks like a Barbie doll to me, but she seems pretty sweet.
“Oh, that’s nice, I guess. Will her parents let her? I mean she’s what – fifteen?”
“She’s sixteen, and yes, her parents let her. They seem to like me. I’m invited for lunch on Christmas day.”
“Wow, Chris, will Mom let you?”
“Of course she will, Jenny, so she can be alone with her new boyfriend.”
“Ewwwww.” The thought makes me want to throw up.
Chris laughs. “Okay, Jenny, I will tell Mom you won’t be able to come, and to call you herself. And I’ll call Dad. See you around, sis.”
“See you soon, Chris.”
I hang up, and go back to listening to The Pretty Reckless. I look out of the window while the train rushes through the countryside at high speed. The barren fields are all brown. There’s no snow. I try to think: why my mother would want to see me? I can’t imagine she’s come around. But then who knows?
+++
“Hello Jenny, so good to see you,” a smiling Sabrina says as she opens the apartment door to let me in. Sabrina is a brunette beauty in her late thirties, with shoulder-length hair and grey-blue eyes. She’s wearing jeans and a grey sweater.
“Hi Sabrina, great to see you!”
Sabrina pulls me into hug. It feels surprisingly good. “I’m glad you came, Jenny, please come in.”
“Oh, who do we have here?” I hear my Dad’s voice as he comes around the corner from the living room. He smiles at me, and my heart jumps. The sight of him m
akes me realize even more how much I have missed him.
“Daddy!” I drop my duffle bag to the tiled floor in the hallway, and literally fly into his arms.
“Oh God, my Jenny, it’s been too long,” he says, holding me tight.
My eyes are brimming with tears, and I’m unable to speak.
“Don’t cry, Jenny, you’re here now,” Dad says, stroking my hair. Releasing me from his hug he holds me at arm’s length, taking me in. “You’ve become a pretty young woman, Jenny. Wow.”
“Thank you, Dad,” I say, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
“You can give me your jacket, Jenny, I’ll hang it on the rack here,” Sabrina says from behind me. I get out of my winter jacket and hand it to her.
“Please come to the living room,” my father says, and I follow him into the open space living room and kitchen area. I gratefully accept the beer he offers me, and I sit down on a comfy black leather armchair. While Sabrina puts frozen pizzas into the oven, Dad sits down on the couch, asking me about my trip today.
While we talk I take him in. Dad is in his mid-forties now. I definitely have inherited my jet-black hair and my green eyes from him. Only his hair shows the first hints of grey. He’s sitting on the sofa, wearing jeans and a denim shirt. I find he’s still a good-looking man, and I understand why Sabrina - and my mother at some point, too – has fallen for him.
I’m thankful he doesn’t ask any sensitive questions right away. I’m painfully aware there are so many issues he’d want to address, like my relationship with Emilia for example; or my still undecided professional future. I’m sure those things will come up at some point during my stay, but not now.
We spend a nice and relaxed evening, eating pizza, drinking beer, and talking about everything and anything. At some point I suddenly feel very tired, and Sabrina shows me to my bedroom.
“You can sleep on the foldout sofa in our spare bedroom. We use it as our home office and library.”
I say goodnight to Dad and Sabrina, go to the bathroom, and climb into bed afterwards. Lying in bed I check my cell phone. I have missed three calls from Emilia. Fuck! It’s not yet midnight, so I call her right away.
“Hi Jen, where the hell have you been? I called you three times, but you didn’t answer. I was really starting to worry about you.”
“Hi Emi, I’m so sorry for missing your calls. I’m in Munich, seeing my Dad.”
“You’re in –Munich? Oh wow.” Emilia sounds totally surprised.
“Well, after you left this morning I started feeling really down, and I called my Dad. He told me to come to Munich, and here I am.”
“I’m happy to hear that, Jenny.”
“It’s really awesome. You know, he paid for a 1st class ticket, and we had pizza and beer. How was your trip?”
“It could have been worse. As usual my train was delayed, but we just made it on time for my connecting train. And funny enough, we had pizza, too. Seems like our parents think we’re starving.” Emilia laughs. Her laughter is infectious, and I start giggling.
“It’s good to talk to you, Emi.”
“Likewise. I was really becoming worried when you didn’t answer to my calls.”
“I’m sorry.” We talk for a while, before I’m finally too tired to go on.
“Nite, Nite, Emi, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Jenny. Nite, Nite, sweet dreams.”
+++
“This is for you, Jenny. From Sabrina and me. Merry Christmas,” Dad says handing me a nicely decorated red envelope. It’s Christmas Eve and we are standing in front of the brightly lit Christmas tree.
Earlier this day we went downtown to visit the famous Christmas Market on the City Hall Square. Feeling quite relaxed we drank ‘Glühwein’, and enjoyed watching the happy chaos of crowds doing their last minute Christmas shopping. Among them were two celebrities, an actor, and a soccer star. Slightly tipsy from the mulled wine, we returned to the apartment. Dad began decorating the Christmas tree, playing oldie music, while I helped Sabrina prepare our dinner.
And then my Dad had a present for me. He handed me an envelope. I open the envelope carefully. The first things I see are some vouchers for music downloads from iTunes. And then…several big bills. It’s a generous amount of money.
“We thought you could use it,” Dad says.
I can only nod. Last but not least the envelope contains a concert ticket. Looking at it I gasp. It’s a ticket for ‘Black Halo’, one of my favorite female-fronted bands. The concert is to take place the day after tomorrow, the second Christmas holiday.
Squealing I throw my arms around my Dad, hugging him and kissing his cheeks. “Thank you so much, Dad, thank you.”
Then I hug and kiss Sabrina. “Thank you, Sabrina.”
“You’re welcome, Sweetheart,” she says. “You don’t know the best thing yet. Your Dad and I are coming to the concert with you. We are both ‘Black Halo’ fans too.”
“That’s why I asked you to stay a day or two longer,” Dad adds.
“Awwww. That’s absolutely fucking awesome,” I squeal. “I love you both. I’m so sorry that I don’t have any Christmas gifts for you.”
“I told you not to mind,” Dad says. “It’s wonderful having you here, Jenny. It’s the biggest present you could give me.”
After dinner I can no longer stand it and have to call Emilia.
“You won’t guess what I got as a Christmas gift, Emi,” I tell her.
“What did you get? Money? Clothes? Books?”
“Money? Yes! And iTunes vouchers! But the most amazing thing is – a concert ticket for ‘Black Halo’!”
“Oh my God! ‘Black Halo’! I love them. And I love Jenna. She’s such an awesome singer. When is it?”
“The day after tomorrow.”
“Oh my God, that’s so awesome. I wish I could be there.”
“Me too, Emilia.” I miss her so much it hurts.
We talk for a few more minutes, before we kiss goodnight through our phones. I sigh as I hang up. Why is being separated from her so hard for me?
+++
I love the flicker of candles and the smell of incense during Christmas time. I’m no longer religious, but during Christmas time something compels me to go to church. And so I find myself attending holy mass on Christmas Day. It had to be. Neither Dad nor Sabrina wanted to join me. So I took the underground train to go to the ‘Theatinerkirche’, the church you always see on Munich postcards.
I did not really follow what the priest said or any of the Christmas carols that were sung. For me it was more like a meditation.
Only one year ago I attended mass in the old cathedral of my hometown together with Martin. At that time I had a crush on Lena Davids, my beautiful classmate. And I happened to see her right there, attending mass with her family. It was just a few days after some jerk had outed her and her girlfriend Paulina Janssen at high school. Only twelve months ago I believed my infatuation with Lena was just a crush. I even went as far to make an indecent proposal to Lena to satisfy my curiosity, but she turned me down.
Since then it has turned out that I really like girls, and have to accept I’m a lesbian. I slept with Emilia for the first time, but I fell for Sherinia, the beautiful, but spoilt rich girl who became the new voice of our band, and who only used me as one of her playthings. And then I realized I had always been in love with Emilia, too. Could it be possible to fall in love with two girls at the same time? I have no answer to that question. I do remember however that one moment when Emilia and Sherinia together arrived for the band rehearsal, that at this special moment I desired them both. Strange, Jenny, very weird. And why do you think about it right now? In a Catholic church? Maybe it’s because I feel lonely, somehow betrayed by Emilia? I have no answers, only questions.
I still haven’t decided what to do in my life. I’m still working as a waitress at a wine bar. It’s not too bad, but certainly not something I’d want to do for the rest of my life. And what about what I ca
ll ‘the Britzinger incident’? A couple of days before Christmas I went to the mall downtown, and ran into my old history teacher, Mr. Britzinger.
“Hello Ms. Meier, what a nice surprise,” he said to me. “How are you doing?”
“Oh hi, Mr. Britzinger,” I mumbled, “I’m fine, thank you for asking.”
“May I ask what you’re doing, Ms. Meier, have you started college?”
I was pretty embarrassed when I had to answer his question. “Uh, actually, no. I haven’t started college yet, Mr. Britzinger.”
His face fell for a moment, but he regained his composure quickly.“Well, Ms. Meier, maybe you needed a break after high school, and maybe it’s for the best to take your time to make such a decision. On the other hand you shouldn’t take too long. Once you have become used to that – let’s call it easy living – it will be harder to go back to being a student. I think you should know I’ve always thought you were one of my best students in my history class, and I was convinced you had a real interest in the subject. We talked about it, you remember?”
Blushing, I nodded my head, unable to respond.
“I don’t want to convince you of studying a subject you don’t like. It is a far too important decision in your life. I can only ask you to think about it, Ms. Meier.”
He began to search in his jacket pockets, and eventually found what he was looking for. It was one of his business cards. “Here is my phone number, Ms. Meier. In case you had any questions, don’t hesitate to call me. I’m willing to help.”
“Oh, that’s very kind of you, Mr. Britzinger, I will definitely consider your suggestion.”
He shook my hand to say goodbye. “I’m looking forward to hearing from you, Ms. Meier. I wish you all the best.”
“Thank you, Mr. Britzinger, the same for you.”
With that he took his leave, and I stood frozen to the spot, totally flabbergasted.
More issues I still have to resolve. And I am sure my Dad will ask questions, too, sooner or later.
All of a sudden I become aware that people in my pew were getting up to leave, which meant mass must be over. Okay then, I missed most of it while I was overthinking things. With a sigh I get up, and I follow the slow procession of people to the church exit.
Jennifer's Triad Page 2
