“When do you think you’ll be able to spend the night with her?”
“I don’t know. What if I never can?”
Dr. Carmichael smiled. “Talon, you will be able to. We will work and get you through this, and one day, you will be able to spend the night with the woman you love.”
I hoped with all my heart she was right.
“I’d like to suggest something to talk about for today,” she said.
That was fine with me. It saved me from having to figure out something to talk about. “Sure, what do you want to talk about?”
She handed me a piece of paper. “This.”
It was a photocopy of a news article from the Snow Creek Daily. “Local Hero Comes Home.” Damn. But I figured we’d have to talk about this sooner or later. I scanned through the article, my nerves on edge.
* * *
Local resident and Award of Honor recipient Talon Steel returned home to Snow Creek this past week. Talon entered the Marine Corps as a second lieutenant and quickly gained the rank of first lieutenant and then captain due to his hard work and heroism. He was deployed first to Afghanistan and then to Iraq. He received the Award of Honor from the governor of Colorado for making six death-defying forays into a killing zone to save six American troops. Captain Steel was thirty-two years old at the time of his return. He was granted an honorable discharge.
“Captain Steel is a hero to us all and a great example of a model citizen of Colorado,” said the lieutenant governor. “We are proud to have him home to our great state.”
* * *
I stopped reading but glanced at the last line.
Captain Steel made only one comment: “I didn’t do it to be a hero.”
I let out a sigh. “All right. I figured you’d find this eventually.”
“This is amazing. You truly were a hero.”
Hero. There was that word again. People loved to throw it in my face, most notably my little brother. I wasn’t a hero. I sure as hell didn’t feel like one.
“How does this article make you feel, Talon?”
Why not admit the truth? “It makes me feel like a fake, a fraud. I’m no hero.”
“I beg to differ. You saved six soldiers. That equals a hero in my eyes. In most other people’s eyes as well.”
“Let me tell you just how much of a hero I was that day.” I clenched the armchair. “I went back in and saved all of those people because I was hoping to get my ass shot off myself.”
She didn’t bat an eye. “Really? Let’s talk about that a little bit. Why were you trying to get killed?”
“Because I couldn’t deal with my life. Is that any surprise?”
“No, it’s not a surprise, but if you wanted to die so badly, why didn’t you just take your life?”
A question I’d pondered more than once. “I don’t know. I thought about it, but something stopped me.”
“Your will to survive. The human instinct for survival is strong.”
I closed my eyes and thought about things, things that happened back during that horrible time. How I’d said those awful words they’d forced me to say just so they wouldn’t kill me. My will to survive…
“What are you thinking about?” she asked.
“I never thought I truly wanted to live until recently. The fact that I was held captive, and they threatened to kill me if I didn’t do something—something horrible. I always did it. And I hated myself for it.”
“But you did it to survive.”
I grasped my jawline, my stubble scraping my fingers. “But it doesn’t make any sense. I spent most of that time wishing I were dead. So why did I want to survive? Why did I do what they made me do in order to survive?”
“What kind of things did they make you do?”
Admitting this would be torture. But I had determined to get through this. “A lot of times, they made me tell them that I…” I gulped, swallowing back the nausea that threatened. “I liked what they were doing to me.” My knuckles were white with tension as I gripped the armchair.
“I know this is hard for you to say, but it’s part of the healing. Anything else?”
“They threatened me, that if I threw up, they’d kill me. Even that first time, when I saw them…”
“Saw them what?”
“My friend Luke Walker. The kid Ryan and I were looking for that first day we went—when I got taken. He was already dead, but they made me watch as they—” My skin got cold and tightened around me, my bowels gurgled, and my stomach threatened to empty.
“It’s okay. Breathe. When things get rough, it’s always best to go back to the simple essence of life. Breathing.”
I breathed in and out. In. Out. In. Out. My body was not relieved of tension, but it was a start. “They told me if I threw up or shit my pants…they…”
The horrors formed in my mind’s eye. Luke Walker, thankfully already dead, as his body was cut apart, butchered, the splintering sounds as his bones cracked. His brains and eyeballs as they beat his head in.
“Breathe, Talon.”
* * *
“Don’t you dare puke, you little pussy. Watch. Don’t close your eyes.”
I gagged, swallowing compulsively, trying desperately to ease the nausea that rose in my throat.
“See this? This is what happens when we’re done. This is what will happen to you when we’re done with you.”
My knees buckled, but because one of the men was holding me up, I didn’t fall to the floor. His hands were clamped over my shoulders and upper arms, holding me still, while the other…
At least Luke wasn’t screaming.
He was already dead.
No one should have to know what beat-in brains look like. But I would know. For the rest of my short life, I would know. Red sticky jelly, splattering, oozing…
For the rest of my short life, I would know.
* * *
“They chopped him up. Chopped his arms and legs off.” I gulped. “Beat his head in and then chopped it off.”
Dr. Carmichael’s lips trembled. Just a bit, but I noticed. She was trying to keep her cool. She specialized in childhood trauma, but this could easily have been the worst she’d ever heard. I wasn’t about to ask.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” she said, clearing her throat.
“Sometimes, I look back, and I just don’t get it, Doc. Why, in the face of everything that happened to me—why did I fight so hard to survive?”
Chapter Fifteen
Jade
I had gotten a phone call from my father at about noon. My mother was finally awake for more than a few seconds at a time, and she wanted to see me. It was Friday, and since I was now the acting city attorney, I gave myself the rest of the day off. I said goodbye to Michelle and David and drove the Mustang I had borrowed from the Steels to Valleycrest Hospital in Grand Junction.
My father was waiting for me in the waiting area outside the ICU. He gave me a quick hug.
“She’s looking better, Jade. But still she’s not Brooke Bailey yet.” He smiled. “We haven’t let her look at herself in the mirror.”
I couldn’t help a small chuckle. “Yes, that would probably devastate her.” But maybe now she would learn that looks were not the most important thing in the world.
“She’s been asking for you. She also keeps asking for that Nico character.”
My blood chilled at his name. The way Talon had reacted, I wanted Nico Kostas to stay far away from my mother. “So he hasn’t been back around?” I asked hopefully.
My father shook his head. “Not that I know of. Of course I wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him.”
“He’s a tall and burly Mediterranean type. Good-looking enough.”
“And he probably buys her pretty things.” My father smiled.
I couldn’t help but smile back. “Should I go on in?”
My father nodded. “I know she’ll be happy to see you.”
I squeezed my father’s hand and then left him an
d walked into the ICU. A nurse was in with my mother, checking her vitals.
“I’m sorry to intrude. Should I come back in a few minutes?”
My mother’s cracked lips curved slightly upward. “No, that’s my daughter. I want her to stay.”
The nurse smiled, finishing up. “You heard the patient. I’m done here anyway. Just a few minutes,” she said to me. “Ms. Bailey tires easily.”
“I understand.” I sat down in the chair next to my mother’s bed. “How are you doing, Mother?”
She sighed. “Could be better, of course.” Her voice was soft and tired. “Glad to see you though.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be here this week.”
“Don’t worry about that. Your father explained everything. Your work is important, Jade.”
Was this my mother I was talking to? My mother who always put Brooke Bailey first and everything else second? My mother was saying my work was important?
“I can probably stay here for the weekend if you want me to. I have to go back for work on Monday. I’m the acting city attorney right now, so it’s kind of necessary that I be in the office.”
“The acting city attorney? How did that happen?”
I shook my head. “It’s a long story, Mom. I’ll explain later, when you’re stronger.”
She sighed. “All right. If you think that’s best.”
I did a double take. Was this truly Brooke Bailey I was talking to? Never before had she been concerned with what I thought was best. Never before had she been concerned with what anyone else other than she thought was best.
“So do you know what happened to you?”
“An accident. Airbag didn’t deploy, evidently.”
“That’s right,” I said. “You’re really lucky to be alive.”
“Yes, I suppose I am. I guess my modeling days are over, though they’ve kind of been over for a while.”
“Are you in a lot of pain?”
“No. They’ve got me good and drugged up. I don’t want to think about what the shattered knee is going to feel like.”
“They’ll take good care of you here. They have so far. The doctors saved your life.”
“I know that. I just don’t understand.”
“Understand what?”
“Where is Nico? Is there something people aren’t telling me? He didn’t…die, did he? Your father kept dodging my questions.”
I gulped down a lump that had formed in my throat. I didn’t want to lie to my mother, but I also didn’t want to jeopardize her health. “Don’t worry about Nico. You need to focus on getting better.”
She widened her eyes as much as she could. “Jade, your father… He’s always had a soft spot for me, no matter what. Even when I came back when you were fifteen, and I wanted to come back into your lives, he was ready to let me, but he chose not to for your sake. Because you were so against it.”
“Mom, this is not the kind of discussion to keep your stress level down where it needs to be.”
“Jade, please, I have to say this.”
I sighed. “All right. Go ahead.”
“Your father has always tried to protect me, no matter what. But from you, Jade, from you I know I can get the truth. Now tell me, and do not lie to me. What happened to Nico?”
I drew in a breath and let it out slowly. “Are you sure you want to go there right now?”
She nodded.
“All right. Nico is fine. His airbag functioned just fine, and he got out with hardly a scratch.”
“Then why isn’t he here?”
“I don’t know. I saw him briefly the night of the accident when I came to the hospital to see you. Then he left, said he had to fly to Des Moines, and I never saw him again.” Not true. I had seen him talking to someone who I thought was Larry, but there was no need to bring that up.
“That doesn’t seem like Nico. He…loves me.”
“Of course he loves you, Mother. I’m sure he has a very good reason why he’s not here.” I didn’t believe that for a minute, but I didn’t want to upset my mother any more than she already was in her fragile state.
“There’s something else I need to talk to you about,” she said.
“What’s that?”
“I hope you will let me back into your life, Jade. There’s nothing like almost dying in an accident to make you realize what’s important.”
Yeah, there was. Nico. She’d talked about Nico before she got to this. But again, I didn’t want to upset her.
“Mother, we can talk about this when you’re stronger.”
“No, Jade, I want to talk about it now. I was wrong. Wrong about so many things. I brought you into the world, and I should’ve been a mother first. Instead I chose to be Brooke Bailey, supermodel.” She coughed.
“Come on. You’re not strong enough to be doing this right now.”
“No, please hear me out. I’ve already told your father how sorry I am. He was my first love, you know.”
Yes, I knew the whole story of my mother and father. I didn’t think it was any riddle why my father hadn’t remarried. My mother was his one and only love. He was a good-looking man, and many women had expressed interest over the years. But he threw his life into his work and into me.
“Dad forgave you a long time ago.”
“That’s what he told me. Honestly, Jade, I didn’t know until now. But what I want more than anything is your forgiveness.”
I didn’t know what to say. Here my mother was, having just begun recovery from an accident that could’ve easily killed her. I couldn’t exactly tell her, “No, I won’t forgive you.” But I had held on to these feelings of resentment for so long. Talon was going through therapy, trying to heal from his past. Should I do the same thing?
Maybe it was time.
I let out a sigh. “All right, Mother, I forgive you.” I tried hard to mean the words.
She closed her eyes. “Thank you. I want to be a part of your life. I hope you’ll allow me in.”
That was another thing altogether. Did I have room in my life for the woman who’d abandoned me? Who put herself before her only child? I’d have to think long and hard about that. Right now, all I could offer was my forgiveness.
“Mother, you’re going to be here for a while. But when you get strong and healthy, we will talk about all of this, okay?”
She closed her eyes again. “All right, Jade. If that’s the way you want it. I’ll hold you to that.”
I took her hand and squeezed it. “I promise we’ll talk about all of it. When you’re more able to do it. In the meantime, your only job is to focus on getting healthy and strong. Okay? Can you do that for me?”
She nodded slightly, her eyes still closed. “I can do that. For you.” She drifted off to sleep.
I squeezed her hand and then went back outside to the waiting area where my father was. “She’s sleeping now,” I said.
“That’s the best thing for her.”
“She said you told her that you forgave her.”
“I did. Truth is, I forgave her a long time ago.”
“I know you did, Dad. Why didn’t you tell me that you wanted to give her another chance when she came back ten years ago?”
He shook his head. “I couldn’t. You were so full of anger and resentment. You were only fifteen, and my first duty was to you, my daughter.”
“If you’d told me…”
“No. I hold no grudge against you, Jade. I made a vow to you when your mother left that I would care for you, that I would be both parents to you, and that you would come first. Your needs would come first.”
“Maybe it would’ve helped me to have a mother when I was fifteen.”
“As much as I loved Brooke, she wasn’t ready to be mother to a fifteen-year-old girl. It would have made things worse. And there were no guarantees that she would stick around, no matter what she said. I couldn’t take the chance she would do that to you again.”
“Yeah, she might’ve left again,” I
said.
“Exactly. And that would’ve hurt you even more. No, I couldn’t do it. As much as I wanted to be with Brooke, I couldn’t.”
I gave my dad a hug. “I’m so sorry, Dad. I’m so sorry you couldn’t have the woman you loved because of me.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. You were my focus, Jade. You were and still are everything to me. Sometimes I miss you so much I can’t see straight.”
“I miss you too. But I’m not that far away. You can always call or text more or come and visit.”
“You know I hate phone calls. But I think maybe I will visit more often.”
I pulled back from a hug and smiled. “I’d like that.”
Chapter Sixteen
Talon
“The human instinct to survive is strong.”
My mind kept flowing back to Dr. Carmichael’s words.
“You may have thought you wanted to die during that horrific month you were in captivity, but inside, in the very essence of you, your id—the uncontrolled part of your personality that contains your basic and instinctual drives—you wanted to survive. You wanted to live. And that’s why you said those words. To survive.”
“But I hated myself every time I said them,” I countered.
“Humans often do things they hate to survive. You’re hardly the first to do that.”
Deep down, even hating my circumstances, had I truly wanted to survive?
“But what about the news article? I went back in to rescue those people, knowing full well I could get my ass shot off.”
“Maybe your instinct kicked in again, your id. You thought you were going into it to die, but instinctively you dodged fire and pulled others out. Your soldier training kicked in. It was instinctive.”
I scoffed. “Now you’re making me sound like the hero everyone else thinks I am.”
Dr. Carmichael rose from her chair, her eyes serious, her countenance strong and firm. She stood directly in front of me, looking down, her green gaze penetrating mine.
Possession: Steel Brothers Saga: Book Three Page 11
