by Ramy Vance
The shock of the attack pushed Suzuki back to the ground as another goblin flanked him. He felt the force of the blow and his armor vibrated so hard that Suzuki thought he was having a heart attack.
“Stew,” Suzuki shouted as he tried to beat back the goblin in front of him with his shield.
There was another explosion of fire. Sandy was floating a little way off, tossing fireballs, laughing as if she had gone mad.
A dagger flew through the air and impaled the goblin in front of Suzuki. Stew ran over and tackled the goblin hacking on Suzuki’s back. Blood was running down Stew’s chest, and his eyes were wide with panic. He helped Suzuki to his feet as the goblins banded together.
“They’re too fast.” Suzuki gasped. “Too fast.”
“It’s your armor,” Stew growled, turning to face the advancing goblins. “It’s too heavy. You’re too heavy.”
Suzuki scrolled through his HUD as Stew stepped forward and slashed a goblin across the face. He switched to leather armor and felt his body instantly lighten.
And then he felt the sharp, hot pain of steel cutting into his skin. He turned around as fast as he could. There was a goblin behind him, preparing to attack again. Suzuki looked at the blood pouring down his arm.
He felt cold all over.
He needed to run.
He needed to get out of this place as soon as possible.
The goblin lunged forward. Suzuki raised his shield out of instinct. The goblin’s attack rolled off Suzuki, who felt his body moving on its own. He sidestepped and brought his sword down on the goblin’s neck, sending the goblin’s head flying.
“That’s one,” Suzuki shouted, adrenaline coursing through him, imbuing him with courage. “I can do this,” he told himself. “I can do this.”
Stew turned and looked at Suzuki. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Suzuki let out a war cry before leaping higher and farther than he ever could have on Earth. He landed in the middle of the mob, spun around, his shield knocking two of them over, his sword ending another one. “I am friggin’ Captain America,” he shouted with glee.
Impaling one with his sword, he slashed at another goblin with his kite. But he wasn’t quick enough. The goblin managed to slash at Suzuki’s leg.
Not that Suzuki noticed. He was in it now, and the adrenaline coursing through him covered the pain.
“Four,” Suzuki shouted. “Where are you at, Stew?”
Stew blinked in shock. “Four,” he said as four goblins advanced on him. “Four?”
“Yeah! I got four. Where are you at?”
Stew pulled two daggers from his side. He pressed them to his chest and drew blood as he screamed in pain. The panic had fled his eyes. There was something else now. Suzuki could see it from afar. It was just what they needed.
“Where are you at, Stew?” Suzuki shouted again.
Stew ran forward, his daggers flashing. Two of the goblins swung at him, cutting him, but it didn’t stop his onslaught. Stew barreled into the goblins, sending them flying. He grabbed one of the goblins from the air and throw it into the ground. He brought a dagger down, cracking the goblin’s chest, and he flung the other dagger at the adjacent goblin, finally pulling his short sword out and burying it in the last goblin.
“Five,” Stew shouted.
Sandy landed, sending fire flying everywhere. Suzuki could feel the flame’s heat, and he grabbed the closest goblin and tossed it into the fire Sandy was generating.
“How about you, Sandy?” Suzuki called.
“Lost track,” Sandy said, smiling. Then an arrow hit her in the arm, breaking her concentration, causing her to fall to the ground.
“Sandy,” Stew shouted. He pulled his short sword out of a goblin and leapt, soaring over the remaining goblins. He landed with a heavy thud that sent the goblins near him flying through the air. Stew helped Sandy to her feet. “Are you okay?”
Sandy touched her shoulder. The arrow was still in her. She screamed, horrified, as she tried to pull the arrow out. “It’s fucking in me,” she shouted. “There’s a fucking arrow in me!”
Stew grabbed the arrow and broke it off, leaving the head in her skin.
“Yeah, there’s an arrow in you.” Stew pointed at the remaining goblins. “And it was one of those bastards who did it. So the question is, are you gonna cry about it, or are you gonna go all DeeStruck on their asses?”
Sandy nodded as her brow furrowed and dark energy enveloped her.
She floated back into the air and raised her hands to the sky. She touched her shoulder again for a moment before calling a lightning bolt down in the middle of the clearing. Electricity shot through the ground as Suzuki and Stew leapt in the air. The goblins jerked as they were electrocuted.
A few fell.
Most of them remained standing, screeching.
“Let’s end this,” Suzuki growled as he sprang forward. He blocked a goblin, spun around and slashed the goblin in half.
Stew bellowed with berserker rage to get the attention of the rest of the goblins. He swung his short sword and floored two more as Sandy dashed forward, disappearing for a second and reappearing in front of a goblin, her hands glowing brightly. She grabbed the goblin by the throat and it burst into flames.
Within a few seconds, the Mundanes had cleared out the last of the goblins. They stood in the clearing, surrounded by dead goblin bodies, panting, trying to catch their breath.
Stew found a tree and collapsed next to it. “Holy fucking shit,” Stew breathed. “Holy fucking shit.”
Suzuki took a seat next to Stew, as did Sandy.
“Now that was a fucking fight,” Sandy panted.
“Yeah. It was,” Suzuki agreed.
“I can’t believe we just did that. I can’t fucking believe we just did that.”
Stew felt his chest. He was covered in open wounds. “You know, casting Berserker Rage in the VR game didn’t use to hurt this much,” he complained. “I think I’m going to have to pick another class that doesn’t need to hurt themselves to use magic.”
“I’m gonna have to watch the mana use too,” Sandy mused as she touched her HUD, assessing her inventory. “I was practically running on empty back there. If Niv hadn’t told me about channeling a little magic into my hands, I would have been shooting blanks.”
“Looks like we all learned something useful,” Suzuki agreed.
“Yeah, like you learned you can fight like a badass,” Stew exclaimed. “I never saw you move like that in-game. And that Rally spell really fucking worked.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You cast Rally, didn’t you? Back when I was freaking out. That’s when I got that…I don’t know…like a surge of confidence.”
“Huh…” Suzuki thought back to the fight. He had noticed that his chance for survival had jumped up when he was shouting at Stew. He had been thinking about casting Rally but hadn’t actually called the spell.
Was casting magic that easy?
I took the necessary steps of casting your spell, Fred interjected into Suzuki’s mind. For future reference, actually communicating what you would like to do would be extremely helpful. I do not have a running list of spells to save your life.
Thanks, Suzuki said. I’ll keep that in mind.
“So that’s a fight in Middang3ard.” Sandy was looking herself, over noting the tears her robes had sustained. “I don’t think we held up too badly.”
“I still feel a little beat up,” Stew complained.
Suzuki stood up and raised his shield. “Let’s see if we can fix—”
There was a massive crash from the trees a little distance away.
The Mundanes looked up at the sound of cracking wood. Something big was moving through the swamps, pushing the trees out of the way as if they were sticks. Suzuki could see the trees falling in the distance.
The cracking of the trees intensified. In the faint shadows, Suzuki saw the face of a giant, a giant who was at least twelve feet.
Its face looked human but stretched out, as if it had been pulled taut by a great weight. Its arms nearly touched the ground, and it roared furiously as it broke into the clearing.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck,” Suzuki shouted as he and the Mundanes jumped to their feet and took off running into the swamp.
Branches whipped across Suzuki’s face as he ran, trying to form a plan while concentrating on not falling.
That was impossible, however, so Suzuki decided to focus on running for the moment.
Sandy was already ahead of the rest of the group. She motioned in front and to the right. There was a group of bushes that had low hanging branches partially obscuring them.
The Mundanes pushed into the bushes and pulled the branches lower.
“Sandy,” Suzuki stammered as he wildly looked around, trying to keep his cool. “Can you cast invisibility or something on us?”
“I don’t know how,” Sandy said.
“I thought you were the mage?”
“Only offensively. I mostly know attacks and small bluffs. Nothing like that.”
Stew was scanning the ground behind them. “For fuck sake, try!”
“All right, all right!” Sandy closed her eyes. “Invisible. Invisible. I cast Invisibility.”
Stew raised his hand and stared at it as if he were trying to solve the world’s oldest puzzle. “Are we invisible?”
Suzuki shook his head. “I can still see you.”
“Maybe it’s 'cause you’re invisible too. Is that how it works?”
More trees crashed in the distance. The giant roared loudly, and it took everything in Suzuki’s power not to piss his greaves right then and there. He was trying to get his nerves under control.
A giant couldn’t be that much worse than a whole tribe of goblins. They had just been caught off guard, that was all. This was something they could handle. There was a way. Now he just had to figure out how.
“God damn it.” Sandy sighed. “We’re not invisible. Niv says I can’t cast it because I don’t know how light refraction works.”
“What the hell does that have to do with being invisible?”
“If I knew that, we’d be pulling a Frodo right now!”
The giant screamed again, and Stew peeked over the leaves to see where it was. “I can’t see it.”
Suzuki touched his HUD. “I’m more worried that we can’t hear it.”
“Maybe it left and—”
The silence was shattered by the branches covering the Mundanes being ripped away, along with the trees they hung on.
The giant loomed over the Mundanes, drool dripping from its slack-jawed mouth. He pointed at Suzuki with a huge, stubby finger.
“Englishman,” the giant bellowed as the Mundanes scurried away.
The word was like a slap in his face. They couldn’t run or hide from this thing, not as long as Suzuki was there. His blood—well, his grandfathers’ blood—was like a homing beacon to this thing.
“Come on,” Suzuki shouted. “We gotta make a stand!”
The Mundanes squared up against the giant, unsheathing their weapons, Sandy floating slightly above the ground, her hands glowing. The giant looked at them. His face was devoid of any understanding, with barely a glimmer of awareness in his eyes. Then he pointed again and screamed, “Englishman die now!”
“Sandy,” Suzuki commanded, “Try to slow it down with Paralyze. His skin is going to be—”
Suzuki was cut off by the giant’s club smashing into his chest, sending him flying through the air, crashing into a tree. He coughed blood, turned off his helmet, and spit it out. Ahead, Sandy barely dodged the giant’s club as Stew slashed at the giant’s leg.
The giant hardly noticed. Suzuki looked down at his sword and his HUD read ten percent.
“This isn’t going to cut it.” Suzuki groaned to himself.
He wiped the rest of the blood off his lips and jumped through the air, landing a few feet in front of the giant. He swung his sword over his head and slashed at the giant’s leg, alongside Stew. The giant swatted Stew and sent him flying. Stew hit the ground hard and didn’t move.
Suzuki leapt to Stew and shook the barbarian awake. “Come on, get up.”
“Christ, that thing hits like a truck. And I don’t think I’m tanking this thing.”
“It’s okay, I got a plan. Sandy! I need some water. Drench it and the ground. Stew, follow my lead.”
Suzuki raised his sword and pressed his forehead to its blade. He hoped that Fred was listening. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say though. He’d never cast a spell in real life before. Did he just shout it out like an anime character calling out an attack? What was the spell that he was thinking about anyway?
Fuck it, Suzuki thought. Gotta start somewhere.
“Let our holy strength vanquish our enemies,” Suzuki shouted. His sword glowed a pale gold and from that glow emanated bright, burning fireflies which flew from his sword to Stew’s. Both of their weapons took on the same hue of gold. “Come on, we need to get its attention.”
Stew and Suzuki charged the giant. Suzuki slid through the mud, in between the giant’s legs, and slashed at its ankles. The giant screamed and lumbered forward as Stew stabbed at the giant’s kneecap. Water was pouring from the sky, and the ground was slick and muddy.
The giant took a step forward, swinging its club, its feet sinking farther into the mud.
“Snap-freeze it, Sandy!”
Sandy flew in front of the giant and clasped her hands together. “Taste the chill of death, beast,” Sandy screamed as frost formed over her hand.
The giant was knee-deep in mud. Ice crystals formed over the mud and up the giant’s body. It screamed in rage as it thrashed about, but it could not break the ice trapping its legs.
“All right,” Suzuki shouted, “Death by decapitation!”
Suzuki knelt down and clasped his hands together for Stew, who ran toward him, stepping into Suzuki’s foothold.
Stew soared through the air, two short swords in hand, and collided with the giant’s chest, driving his swords into the giant’s pale, discolored flesh. The giant fumbled about, trying to break free. Suzuki’s HUD flashed one hundred percent as he flanked the creature, slashed at the back of its partially exposed kneecaps as Sandy hit the giant’s chest, sending fire and ice flying everywhere.
And with that, the giant fell, shaking the ground as it crashed.
Stew pulled his broad sword from his back and approached the giant. It fell with a heavy thud. The giant lay before them, beheaded.
The Mundanes looked down at the bloody mess they had made.
Stew’s face crinkled into a grimace. “That is so gross.”
“Better him than us, babe.”
“True too. Too true,” Suzuki agreed. He raised his shield, and it began glowing. “Healing.”
The scars on Stew’s chest scabbed over. After a few seconds, the scabs burst and there was pink flesh underneath.
Stew prodded the giant with his sword. “Usually a chest or something shows up after these things are finished, right? And dude, you’re going to have to work on your spell casting. You sound lame as shit.”
“Sandy didn’t sound any better,” Suzuki objected.
“True,” Sandy agreed. “We both could use some work. Not bad for a first time, though.”
“I guess we could check the camp. There might be some cool loot there. Hm…this feels a lot more like looting. Like actually looting.”
“We did just murder a bunch of goblins. I think it’d be disrespectful if we didn’t loot their corpses.”
Stew nodded in agreement. The Mundanes left the giant and made their way back to the goblin camp. Suzuki lowered his helmet and smacked his head. “Sandy?” he asked. “Could you go back and torch that giant? And then the goblins?”
“What for?”
“The whole reason we’re here is to deal with that black fly problem. If we’re just leaving more dead creatures in the swamp, we’re just gonna get more flies.
Stew and I will stack the bodies.”
“What,” Stew objected. “Why do we have to touch those—”
“We do the dirty work. I guess Manny wasn’t joking about that.”
Stew sighed laboriously as Sandy floated off, her hands flaming brightly. Suzuki walked up to a goblin. The smell of decay was already setting in. Suzuki leaned over, held his breath, and hoisted the goblin’s limp body over his shoulder. He walked it over to another one of the goblins and tossed it on top of its fallen comrade.
Stew sighed loudly again, and Suzuki snapped at him, “Come on, Stew. This is what we’re getting paid for.”
Both Stew and Suzuki collected the rest of the goblin bodies and piled them onto each other in a large pile. By the time Sandy came back, they had erected a monument to their victory. Sandy didn’t look twice at the gruesome display before she set it on fire.
“I took care of the deer carcass too. Now let’s go find some loot.”
The Mundanes went to the goblins’ tents. They went through everything that they could find. The process made Suzuki feel sleazy. This felt less like getting a reward and more like spitting on the graves of the goblins they just killed. Suzuki could still see the goblin’s flashing teeth and sneering smiles as he had sunk his sword into them.
None of these were comforting thoughts.
“Hey, guys,” Stew shouted. “I found something!”
Suzuki and Sandy went over to Stew, who was standing in one of the large tents. There were a few chests and a rack of weapons. Stew broke the locks on the chests and then kicked them open.
As Sandy and Suzuki dug through the chests, Stew wandered off to look at the weapons rack.
One of the chests was filled with a bag of copper pieces and trinkets. A silver cup. A couple of pieces of dining ware.
Suzuki picked up the cup. “Seriously? This is the first haul?”
“Maybe for you.” Stew sauntered over to the other Mundanes. He was holding a large battle-ax. The ax had a gold hilt, and there was an inscription in elvish that wrapped up the handle, starting at the hilt, and then splitting to cover both blades. “My HUD says that it's magical. It’ll boost my elemental damage.”
