“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I’m in charge—”
“I have veto power.”
“Just get over here and pose with me.”
“You get over here.”
“I’m gonna sit on your lap.”
He pushes his chair back. Drops his arms to his sides. Pats his thighs. Do it.
“You know better than to dare me.”
He nods of course.
I wipe the tomato sauce from my lips, leave my napkin on the table, move to Ryan.
Lower myself onto his lap.
He goes commando.
There are only three layers of fabric between us.
We’re so, so close to being exactly where we should be.
I fight my blush. Suck a breath through my nose. Press my knees together. “You ready?”
“Yeah.” He slides his arms around my waist.
I frame the photo. Relax into his chest. Rest my head on his.
Click.
“A few more. Just in case.” Every part of me goes warm. He’s holding me like he’ll never let go.
I need that.
I need it to be real.
I let my eyelids flutter closed. I let myself believe it. I let myself fall harder.
My eyes blink open. I stare at the camera. Smile.
Click.
Click.
There. I force myself to rise. Fight the urge to wrap my body around his forever.
“These look good.” I focus all my attention on picking the perfect photo. There. The second looks the coziest. Even if it’s obvious my lipstick is long gone. I show it to Ryan.
“What’s the caption. Wish I could suck my boyfriend’s dick. I’ve got to settle for a phallic vegetable instead. Nice and subtle?”
“You think I won’t post that?”
“You’d make it dirtier.”
I laugh. “Yeah.” I take a seat. Avoid his intense stare.
He’s picking me apart.
Examining all my secrets.
That’s a non-starter.
I’m not telling him how I feel about him.
And the rest…
Nobody knows about the rest.
“No caption.” I hit post. Pull up Instagram. Repeat the process. “How long until she likes it?”
“Don’t know.” He stabs a green bean, brings it to his lips, chews, swallows. “She saw us together. She gets it. We can ease up.”
“No. We have to go harder. We have to make her hurt.”
“Leigh—”
“Don’t tell me not to hate her. I hate her.”
“I know better than to talk you out of anything.”
“Thank you.”
“Wasn’t a compliment.”
“Don’t care.” I eat another slice of eggplant Parmesan. It’s still delicious, but it doesn’t thrill me the way it did a few minutes ago.
It’s nothing compared to Ryan’s body against mine.
Compared to all that concern in his piercing blue eyes.
“Here.” Ryan pushes his plate toward me. “Take what you want.”
“You aren’t hungry?”
“Still feel like throwing up.”
“She does that to you?”
“Worse.”
“Tell me about it.”
He shakes his head.
I fight a frown. I can’t ask him to talk if I won’t. But, God, I want him to talk so badly. “I can’t eat all this.”
“Take it home. Eat it for dinner.”
“Maybe.” The white fish flakes against my fork. Melts on my tongue. Tender. Buttery. Lemony.
It’s delicious, but I’m not eating his lunch.
I push the plate back to him. “No.”
“No?”
“You insist on making me eat.”
“Not like that.”
“Yeah, like that. You give me shit about not eating.”
“Someone has to take care of you.”
Warmth spreads to my fingers and toes. He wants to take care of me. God, does he have any idea what he does to me?
What that means to me?
I feel it everywhere.
My eyelids press together. My head fills with images of a life together. A real one. Waking up in his bed. His arms around me as he scrambles eggs. The two of us arguing about coffee roasts, opting to use the French press so we each get exactly what we want. The smell of java filling the air.
Those soft lips on my neck.
Those calloused fingers between my legs.
That hard cock—
His cell’s buzz pulls me from my dirty thoughts.
He pulls out his phone and checks a text. “Fuck.”
“What?”
“Dean.” He taps a reply into his phone. “He’s throwing us a pool party.”
“Why?”
“To celebrate our anniversary.”
“How long have we been dating?”
“Six months.”
“Not bad.”
“All bad.” His brow furrows as he stares at his cell. “He’s inviting their mutual friends. His friends. Everybody.”
“It’s a chance to rub this in Penny’s face. That’s good.”
“It’s Dean. It’s bad.”
“Does he even have a pool?”
Ryan’s eyes fix on mine. They fill with confusion. “You’ve never been to his place?”
“Why would I?”
“You hang all the time.”
“At the shop. At bars. With Walker. And sometimes with you and Brendon. But never alone.”
“Never?”
“Okay, sometimes.” It’s only natural for us to talk a lot. There are slow times, between appointments, where there’s nothing else to do. Dean is nosy, obnoxious, and over-the-top, but he’s also entertaining. “But not at his place.”
His eyes bore into mine. “You and Dean haven’t?”
“Haven’t what?”
He stares back at me.
“No. God no.” I would never sleep with Dean. Ever. He’s a good friend. But he’s so…
He’s a slut.
And that’s good for him.
But I don’t want to wonder where his dick has been.
That was it at first. But now…
He’s like a brother. It’s weird even considering the possibility of kissing him.
“Not even when you were drunk?” Ryan presses his palm against his thigh.
“Never.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing.”
“Not even a kiss?”
“What about nothing is confusing to you?”
“The way you flirt.”
“We don’t.”
“He offered to make you come.”
“He was kidding.”
“Didn’t bother you.”
“Because he’s just being stupid.”
“He asked you to take out your tits and give him a hand job.”
“He’s just proving a point.”
“What the fuck point is that?”
Something about how Ryan isn’t into me. How I need to get over that idea.
But Ryan’s jealous.
His brow furrows. His jaw cricks. His palm rises, curls into a fist. He blinks, and it’s flat on his thigh again.
People are only jealous of things they want. There must be a part of him that wants me.
Somewhere.
“You can tell me if it’s Dean,” he says.
“It’s not.”
He nods okay, but it’s clear he doesn’t believe me.
Maybe I should let him believe it’s Dean. It will be easier doing this if he isn’t pressing me for details every three seconds.
I turn over my options until a buzz cuts through my thoughts.
Ryan’s phone.
His brow furrows as he stares.
“Dean?”
“Penny likes our photo. Aww, young love. How sweet.”
“God, her nerve.” Anger courses through my veins. I forg
et about Ryan’s jealousy. About Dean. About everything but how badly I want to put a million miles between Ryan and his ex.
“She’s trying.”
“You trust her?”
“No.” He sets his phone on the table facedown. “But I want to.”
“She can’t make amends better than asking you to do her a favor.”
“It’s not for her.”
My heart pounds. He’s sharing something with me. I need it. All of it.
“It costs me too much energy hating her.”
“But she deserves it.”
“That doesn’t do shit for me.”
It’s a valid point.
Incredibly mature.
Incredibly unappealing.
“I still hate her.” My stomach churns. I should get over it, for his sake, but I can’t.
“You don’t have to.”
“How could I not? She destroyed you, Ryan.” My voice rises to something much too loud for the family restaurant. “You were about to fall apart. For months.”
He stares back at me with those piercing blue eyes.
“You barely got through it. And she doesn’t even care. She doesn’t care that she destroyed you.”
“I’m here.”
“But you’re—”
“Hopeless?”
“No, I—”
“That’s what you think of me.”
“It isn’t.” I press my palms against the table. “Stop telling me how I feel.”
“Stop making me guess.”
My fingers dig into the table.
“You make me guess everything, Leigh.”
“And you?”
He ignores the question. “It’s been two years. You still haven’t told me why you left Rock Bottom.”
“And you’re always sharing your feelings with me?”
“You don’t ask.”
No. I must. I want them so badly. I must ask. “I do too.”
He shakes his head. “You think I won’t talk to you?”
Yes. “I don’t know.”
“I will.”
“Then tell me about Penny. About how it ended.”
“Tell me who this guy is.”
“I thought you’d talk.”
“I will.”
“That’s a fucking ultimatum, Ryan. Sharing isn’t quid pro quo.”
His eyes fill with frustration. “You talk to Dean about why you left Rock Bottom?”
“No.”
“You two laugh about how hopeless I am?”
“I DON’T THINK YOU’RE HOPELESS.”
He stares at me.
I stare back.
“Why can’t you admit it’s Dean.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“It’s not.”
“Yes. It is. I know how I feel.”
“But I don’t.”
We return to our staring contest.
His expression screws with confusion.
It’s my fault.
Of course he’s confused. He’s looking for Mr. Powers’ identity. There are only two obvious possibilities. Ryan and Dean. But Ryan is never going to see that it’s him.
I want to tell him the truth. I want to do whatever it takes to erase the hurt in his eyes.
But I can’t.
If I tell him, he’ll leave.
Maybe I can tell him the rest, but I sure as hell can’t tell him this.
Chapter 13
Leighton
We finish our lunch in silence.
Pay the bill in silence.
Walk back to the car in silence.
Ryan says nothing when I plug my cell into the aux, boot up my breakup song playlist. It’s a modified version of the one I made after things ended with Dave.
Destiny’s Child’s Survivor fills the car.
Ryan pulls onto the sleepy street. Cuts through the neighborhood to our left.
I watch five-bedroom houses and lush green lawns blur together until the song fades into the outro.
Our breath fills the car. Then the next song kicks in. Drowns every other sound.
He keeps his eyes on the road. His hands on the steering wheel. His attention elsewhere.
I want it back.
I want him back.
But there’s no way I’m telling him who Mr. Powers is.
And there’s no way I’m getting him back without peeling back the walls around my heart.
It’s only fair to hand him the key if I want to unlock him.
Ryan is wrong.
I trust him.
But I’ve placed my trust in the wrong people way too many times. What if I’m wrong about him too?
It seems impossible.
I’m not a naïve high school girl anymore. I’m not falling for I love you, sweetie, let me show you with my body anymore.
I’m smarter.
Or at least less stupid.
Ryan isn’t going to run away if I tell him why I left Rock Bottom.
But it’s still a terrifying risk.
He stops at a crosswalk. Watches a young mom walk her twin sons across the street.
“Is this where you grew up?” I ask.
“Close, yeah.”
“I’ve never seen the house.”
“You will.”
“Oh?”
“Dean’s pool party’s at my parents’ place.”
“Really?”
“They’re out of town.”
“How high school.” I play with my seatbelt. “So he doesn’t have a pool?”
“It’s a shitty apartment complex pool.”
“But he still sits out there in his swimsuit, flirting with all the women who walk by.”
“Leigh—”
“What?”
“Don’t bullshit about this.” The family steps onto the sidewalk. Ryan looks left. Then right. He taps the gas, moving the car forward. “I’m not gonna fall apart over you wanting to fuck Dean.”
“I know.”
“I’m not gonna tell him.”
“I know.”
His blue eyes find mine. “Why won’t you admit it?”
“Why won’t you believe me?”
He settles into his seat. Turns back to the road.
Ugh.
Fine.
I guess we won’t talk.
He’s so…
UGH.
I pick up my cell. Check my emails. My texts. My social media. Sure enough, our post is popular.
What a cute couple!
OMG, girl, your hair looks amazing.
That eyeliner. Muy caliente!
I knew you two were doing it.
Gwen Stefani’s breathy vocals fills the car. Ex-girlfriend. The ultimate I should have known better anthem.
Ryan and I are still trading cold shoulders.
Still silent.
Still running from every chance at vulnerability.
Am I going to be playing this song in two months?
Tonight?
This silence is stupid.
He’s my favorite person in the entire world.
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
I’ve spent the last half a dozen years running from intimacy.
If I want more of him, I have to let him in.
Ryan turns onto Santa Monica Boulevard. The car zooms over the empty street.
Thoughts bounce around my head as Gwen fades into Kelly Clarkson.
I’m tired of keeping this to myself.
I want to show him my scars. Even if they’re ugly. Even if they scare him.
He might think less of me.
But that’s a risk I have to take.
My fingers curl into my seatbelt. “I left Rock Bottom because of my mom.”
He turns to me. “You’ve never mentioned her.”
“Because I hate her.”
“You hate a lot of people.”
“I know.”
“That shit is bad for your soul.”
“You want to hear this or not?”
“I started working at restaurants in high school. For extra cash. And a way to get out of the house. I wasn’t a great student. The only class I liked was art, and everybody told me that was a good way to live in a cardboard box.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I know that now. But then… I wanted my own money. So I wouldn’t have to ask my mom.”
He nods I get that.
“My dad’s never been in the picture. I know I told you. But maybe you forgot.”
“I remember everything you tell me.”
My stomach twists. This is confusing.
He remembers everything I tell him.
He’s jealous of some idea of me and Dean.
But he doesn’t want me.
It’s just…
He’s so…
I take a deep breath. Exhale slowly.
I’m inventing this confusion.
Ryan and I are friends.
Just friends.
Period.
I tug at the soft fabric of my dress. “I started as a host. Eventually became a waitress. Then a bartender. I skipped around bars for a while. Until I settled in at Rock Bottom.”
“Dean talked about you all the time.”
“Bragged about how he was gonna bang the bartender?”
“Yeah.” His nails dig into the steering wheel. “He ever try?”
“Can we not?”
He nods fine.
“I liked it there. It was busy. The time went fast. My tips were great. Lots of hot guys left their numbers.”
“You slept with them?”
“Dated some, yes. Is that a problem?”
“No.”
“It was a great place to work. But there was something about selling booze all night then going home to…”
He stops at a light. Turns to me. Stares deeply into my eyes.
I don’t want to say this.
We’re nearly to my place. I can get out of the car, lock myself in the apartment, never admit to this again.
Never let him into my heart.
“I didn’t like that I made a living getting people drunk. But I was okay with it. Until one day, I wasn’t.”
I cross my legs. Smooth my skirt over my thighs. Ignore the intensity of Ryan’s stare.
I want to tell him this.
I want to show him my ugly parts.
If he thinks less of me…
That’s a risk I have to take.
My shoulders relax as I exhale. “There was this regular who always had the bar in stitches. She was on her third gin and tonic. Laughing. Telling the bar this epic story about how she met some famous actor. How he begged her to go back to his hotel room and she shot him down.”
Pretend You're Mine Page 9
