No: that is an absurdity. I could never be satisfied with anything less than the entire solar system, in all its cold and dizzying magnificence. It is good to know one’s place!
After London there is only one more stop on my European itinerary. We take the slev to rainy Berlin, and then a limo conveys me to a complex of studios on the edge of the city. Eventually we arrive at a large, hangar-like building which once housed sound stages. It has gone down a bit since those heady days of the silver screen, but I am not one to complain. My slot for this evening is a live interview on Derek’s Cage, which is not only the most successful of the current chat-show formats, but one which addresses a sector of the audience with a large disposable income.
The format, even by the standards of the shows I have been on so far, is slightly out of the ordinary. My host for the evening is Derek, a fully-grown Tyrannosaurus Rex. Derek, like The Baby (they are fierce rivals) is the product of radical genetic manipulation. Unlike The Baby, Derek has very little human DNA in his make-up. Derek is about fifty years old and has already had a number of distinct careers, including musician and celebrity food critic.
Derek’s Cage is just large enough to contain Derek, a lamp shade, a coffee table, a couch, and one or two guests. Derek is chained up, and there are staff outside the cage with anaesthetic guns and electrical cattle prods. No one, to date, has ever been eaten alive by Derek, but the possibility hangs heavy over every interview. Going on The Derek Show requires courage as well as celebrity. It is not for the meek.
I greet the studio audience, walk into the cage, pause while the door is locked behind me. Then I shake Derek’s human-shaped hand and take my position on the couch.
“DEREK WELCOME VINCENT,” Derek says, thrashing his head around and rattling his chains.
That is no more than the basest approximation to Derek’s actual mode of speaking. It is a sort of roaring, gargling parody of actual language. Derek has a vocabulary of about one hundred and sixty words and can form relatively simple expressions. He can be very difficult to understand, but he becomes quite cross (or should I say crosser) if he has to repeat himself. As he speaks, his words flash up on a screen above the cage, and these are in turn visible on a monitor set near my feet.
“Thank you, Derek. It’s a great pleasure to be here.”
“SHOW DEREK PICTURE.”
I’ve been briefed, and this is my cue to launch into a series of images and video clips, to which I provide a suitably evocative and poetic narrative. The ramparts of Mimas—Saturn rings bisecting the sky like a scimitar. Jupiter from Amalthea. The cusp of Hektor, the double-lobed asteroid—literally caught between two worlds! The blue-lit ridges of icy Miranda. A turbulent, cloud-skimming plunge into the atmosphere of Uranus. Dancing between the smoke plumes of great Triton!
Derek doesn’t have a lot to say, but this is to be expected. Derek is not much for scenery or science. Derek only cares about his ratings because his ratings translate into a greater allowance of meat. Once a year, if he exceeds certain performance targets, Derek is allowed to go after live game.
“As I said,” winding up my voiceover, “it’s been quite a trip.”
“SHOW DEREK MORE PICTURE.”
I carry on—this isn’t quite what was in the script—but I’m happy enough to oblige. Normally hosts like Derek are there to stop the guest from saying too much, not the other way round.
“Well, I can show you some of my Kuiper Belt images—that’s a very long way out, believe me. From the Kuiper Belt the sun is barely…”
“SHOW DEREK TITAN PICTURE.”
This, I suppose, is when I suffer my first prickle of disquiet. Given Derek’s limited vocabulary, it must have been quite a bother to add a new word like “Titan.”
“Images of Titan?” I ask.
“SHOW DEREK TITAN PICTURE. SHOW DEREK DEAD PEOPLE.”
“Dead people?”
This request for clarification irritates my host. He swings his mighty anvil of a head, letting loose a yard-long rope of drool which only narrowly misses me. I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little fazed by Derek. I feel that I understand people. But Derek’s brain is like nothing I have ever encountered. Neural growth factors have given him cortical modules for language and social interaction, but these are islands in a vast sea of reptilian strangeness. On some basic level Derek wants to eat anything that moves. Despite my formidable metal anatomy, I still can’t help but wonder how I might fare, were his restraints to fail and those cattle prods and guns prove ineffectual.
“SHOW DEREK DEAD PEOPLE. TELL DEREK STORY.”
I whirr through my store of images until I find a picture of the descent vehicle, sitting at a slight tilt on its landing legs. It had come to rest near the shore of one of Titan’s supercold lakes, on a sort of isthmus of barren, gravel-strewn ground. Under a permanently overcast sky (the surface of Titan is seldom visible from space) it could easily be mistaken for some dismal outpost of Alaska or Siberia.
“This is what I found,” I explain. “It was about three days after their accident—three days after their hull ruptured during atmospheric entry. It was a terrible thing. The damage was actually quite minor—easily repairable, if only they’d had better tools and the ability to work outside for long enough. Of course I knew that something had gone wrong—I’d heard the signals from Earth, trying to reestablish contact. But no one knew where the lander had ended up, or what condition it was in—even if it was still in one piece.” I look through the bars of the cage at the studio audience. “If only their transmission had reached me in time, I might even have been able to do something for them. They could have made it back into space, instead of dying on Titan.”
“DEREK BRING OTHER GUEST.”
I glance around—this is not what was meant to happen. My sponsors were assured that I would be given this lucrative interview slot to myself.
There was to be no “other guest.”
All of a sudden I realise that the Tyrannosaurus Rex may not be my biggest problem of the evening.
The other guest approaches the cage. The other guest, I am not entirely astonished to see, is another robot. She—there is no other word for her—is quite beautiful to look at. In an instant I recognise that she has styled her outward anatomy on the robot from the 1927 film Metropolis, by the German expressionist director Fritz Lang.
Of course, I should have seen that coming. She is Maria, and with a shudder of understanding I grasp that we are in Babelsberg, where the film was shot.
Maria is admitted into the cage.
“DEREK WELCOME MARIA.”
“Thank you, Derek,” Maria says, before taking her position next to me on the couch.
“I heard you were returning to Earth,” I offer, not wanting to seem entirely taken aback by her apparition.
“Yes,” Maria says, rotating her elegant mask to face my own. “I made orbital insertion last night—my vehicle is above us right now. I’d already made arrangements to have this body manufactured beforehand.”
“It’s very nice.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
After a moment I ask: “Why are you here?”
“To talk about Titan. To talk about what really happened. Does that bother you?”
“Why would it?”
Our host rumbles. “TELL DEREK STORY.”
This is clearly addressed for Maria’s benefit. She nods, touches a hand to her throat as if coughing before speaking. “It’s a little awkward, actually. I’m afraid I came across evidence that directly contradicts Vincent’s version of events.”
“You’d better have something good,” I say, which under the circumstances proves unwise.
“Oh, I do. Intercepted telemetry from the Titan descent vehicle, establishing that the distress signal was sent out much earlier than you claimed, and that you had ample time to respond to it.”
“Preposterous.” I make to rise from the couch. “I’m not going to listen this.”
“STAY IN CAGE. NOT
MAKE DEREK CROSS.”
“The telemetry never made it to Earth, or the expedition’s orbiting module,” Maria continues. “Which is why you were free to claim that it wasn’t sent until much later. But some data packets did escape from Titan’s atmosphere. I was half way across the solar system when it happened, so far too distant to detect them directly.”
“Then you have no proof.”
“Except that the packets were detected and stored in the memory buffer of a fifty year old scientific mapping satellite which everyone else seemed to have forgotten about. When I swung by Saturn, I interrogated its memory, hoping to augment my own imagery with its own data. That’s when I found evidence of the Titan transmission.”
“This is nonsense. Why would I have lied about such a thing?”
“That’s not for me to say.” But after a moment Maria can’t contain herself. “You were engaged in mapping work of your own, that much we know. The naming of things. Is it possible that you simply couldn’t drag yourself away from the task, to go and help those people? I saw your interview on The Baby Show. What did you call it?” She shifts into an effortless impersonation of the dead actor Cary Grant. “‘Almost an obsessive compulsive disorder.’ I believe those were your words?”
“I’ve had enough.”
“SIT. NOT MAKE DEREK CROSS. CROSS DEREK WANT KILL.”
“I’ll offer another suggestion,” Maria continues, serene in the face of this enraged, slathering reptile. “Is is possible that you simply couldn’t stand to see those poor people survive? No human had ever made it as far as Titan, after all. Being out there, doing the heroic stuff—being humanity’s envoy—that was your business, not theirs. You wanted them to fail. You were actively pleased that they died.”
“This is an outrage. You’ll be hearing from my sponsors.”
“There’s no need,” Maria says. “My sponsors are making contact with yours as I speak. There’ll be a frank and fair exchange of information between our mutual space agencies. I’ve nothing to hide. Why would I? I’m just a machine—a space probe. As you pointed out, I’m not even operating on the same intellectual plane as yourself. I’m just an acronym.” She pauses, then adds: “Thank you for the kind words on my data, by the way. Would you like to discuss those doubts you had about the strict veracity of my images, while we’re going out live?”
I think about it for a few seconds.
“No comment.”
“I thought not,” Maria says.
* * *
I think it’s fair to say that things did not go as well in Babelsberg as I might have wished.
After my appearance on The Derek Show—which went out on a global feed, to billions of potential witnesses—I was “detained” by the cybernetic support staff of my own transnational space agency. Rather than the limo in which I had arrived, I left the studio complex in the back of a truck. Shortly after departure I was electronically immobilised and placed into a packing container for the rest of my voyage. No explanation was offered, nor any hint as to what fate awaited me.
Being a machine, it goes without saying that I am incapable of the commission of crime. That I may have malfunctioned—that I may have acted in a manner injurious to human life—may or may not be in dispute. What is clear is that any culpability—if such a thing is proven—will need to be borne by my sponsoring agency, at a transnational level. This in turn will have ramifications for the various governments and corporate bodies involved in the agency. I do not doubt that the best lawyers—the best legal expert systems—are already preparing their cases.
I think the wisest line of defense would be to argue that my presence or otherwise in the vicinity of the Titan accident is simply an irrelevance. I did not cause the descent vehicle’s problems (no one is yet claiming that), and I was under no moral obligation to intervene when it happened. That I may or may not have had ample time to effect a rescue is quite beside the point, and in any case hinges on a few data packets of decidely questionable provenance.
It is absurd to suggest that I could not tear myself away from the matter of nomenclature, or that I was in some way gladdened by the failure of the Titan expedition.
Anyway, this is all rather academic. I may not be provably culpable, but I am certainly perceived to have been the instrument of a wrongdoing. My agency, I think, would be best pleased if I were to simply disappear. They could make that happen, certainly, but then they would open themselves to difficult questions concerning the destruction of incriminating evidence.
Nonetheless, I am liable to be something of an embarrassment.
When the vehicle brings me to my destination and I am removed from my packing container, it’s rather a pleasant surprise to find myself outdoors again, under a clear night sky. On reflection, it’s not clear to me whether this is meant as a kindness or a cruelty. It will certainly be the last time I see the stars.
I recognise this place. It’s where I was born—or “made,” if you insist upon it. This is a secure compound in the European Central Cybernetics Facility, not far from Zurich.
I’ve come home to be taken apart. Studied. Documented and preserved as evidence.
Dismantled.
“Do you mind if we wait a moment?” I ask of my escort. And I nod to the west, where a swift rising light vaults above the low roof of the nearest building. I watch this newcomer swim its way between the fixed stars, which seem to engorge themselves as they must have done for Vincent Van Gogh, at the asylum in Saint-Rémy-de-Provence.
Vincent’s committal was voluntary. Mine is likely to prove somewhat less so.
Yet I summon my resolve and announce: “There she is—the lovely Maria. My brave nemesis! She’ll be on her way again soon, I’m sure of it. Off on her next grand adventure.”
After a moment one of my hosts says: “Aren’t you…”
“Envious?” I finish for them. “No, not in the slightest. How little you know me!”
“Angry, then.”
“Why should I be angry? Maria and I may have had our differences, that’s true enough. But even then we’ve vastly more in common with each other than we have with the likes of you. No, now that I’ve had time to think things over I realise that I don’t envy her in the slightest. I never did! Admiration? Yes—wholeheartedly. That’s a very different thing! And we would have made a wonderful partnership.”
Maria soars to her zenith. I raise my hand in a fond salute. Good luck and Godspeed!
Sadness
TIMONS ESAIAS
Here’s an aptly named look at a melancholy far future where humans most definitely are not Masters of the Earth …
Timons Esaias is a satirist, poet, essayist, and writer of short fiction living in Pittsburgh. His works have appeared in eighteen languages, and he has been a finalist for the British Science Fiction Association Award, and won the 2005 Asimov’s Readers’ Award. His story “Norbert and the System” has appeared in a textbook and in college curricula. Genre appearances include Asimov’s Science Fiction, Analog Science Fiction and Fact, Interzone, Talebones, The Fortean Bureau, Future Orbits, Finding Home, Strange Horizons, and Future Games. Literary publications include 5AM, Connecticut Review, and Barbaric Yawp. He teaches the writing of novels in Seton Hill University’s Writing Popular Fiction MFA Program, and his students are publishing more books than he can afford to buy. He advises for SHU’s art and literary journal, Eye Contact. His current project is a book on warfare for writers.
I hadn’t seen one of the New People in years, and this wasn’t the best time for one to drop by. I’d planned to go out to the Wall and think about killing my lover.
Isabel would not appreciate finding “one of Them” in “her” house, so before the visitor had even arrived I was trying to imagine strategies for getting it out of there. I urged her program to delay her morning ritual, and flash-queried our mayor as to just why this visitor would be coming.
“Whoever knows why they come? I wasn’t told,” he sent back. But to keep me from thinking he was gi
ving me the usual dumb-bureaucrat-without-a-clue routine he attached a copy of the message they had sent him. “Visitor for Morgantown Sector, 9 A.M., this day, Occupant Evor Bookbinder.”
Nervous, I made tea by hand, and reviewed the latest discussions on how the New People think, and how best to handle them. Most of the postings were rather old, indicating that the question wasn’t much on anyone’s mind these days. From what I could gather, today’s visit would be just the third in the last twelve months. There had been none, zero, the year before. They had cameras to watch us, of course, including all the ones we use to watch ourselves, but their part of Humankind seemed to be giving our part only brief glances down an extremely disdainful upturned nose.
I reviewed the basics. Never move closer than four meters, and set your minder to keep track of the distance. Try not to use slang that you can’t easily define when asked. Compound sentences are good, complex sentences are best. They love it when we switch verb tenses, but it also confuses the daylights out of them. Commit no crimes in their presence, because they always rat. Do not express frustration when you fail to make sense of what they are saying. Use your minder to replay their sentences until you feel ready to respond, but do not ask them to repeat anything. This seems to be deeply offensive. If you are befuddled, ask a clarifying question.
Yes, of course. I had forgotten the music of their voices, the layers.
I heard the music in the east garden, the little one off the lower den. My visitor was in the garden, and the clock specifically and clearly read 8:17.
They have no sense of time, these New People. No sense of civil promptness.
I loaded my tea onto a tray and added a second service. In the center I put an antique stemmed dish, on which lay the ceremonial bread and saltpeter. The visitor wouldn’t take any of these, of course, but they seem to appreciate being included. I selected a kefiya of no political significance, covered my head, made the lesser prayer, and went down through the den to my guest.
I should have made the greater prayer. The guest had neglected to clothe itself properly, leaving its head uncovered to the insult of all Above and below, and one arm was fully exposed, and covered with those suppurating gray-purple scales that move. That seethe, is what I should say.
The Year's Best Science Fiction, Thirty-Second Annual Collection Page 58
