“Please… I know it’s…not easy…but I need to hear this.” My voice was weak and defeated. I went down onto my knees in front of where he was slouched to look him face to face.
When our eyes finally fell back into a stare, Walker hesitantly began to tell me what happened. “Mags, I wanted to tell you from the moment it happened, but you were so broken and I was so weak. I just did not know how to start that conversation. That journal you found was the only way I kept from going insane for a long time, and even with that, the rage started to boil over a little too often. I was scared, so I hid, like a fucking coward.”
“Fuck you!” They were not the words I had intended to let escape, but they rolled out of my lips too quickly to register until they were staining the air.
Walker pulled his hand away from mine, shooting up from his seat, grabbing both of my shoulders firmly, and pulling me up to stand in front of him. “Look, Mags. I did not mean for any of this to happen. I did not ask for this, but this is life and I am so damn sorry. I should be dead, not him. It was supposed to fucking be me.”
I could feel his hands shaking just as much as his voice was, and a few tears started to roll down both of our cheeks.
“I know you’re sorry. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? Forgive you? Say it’s okay? Tell you I still love you?” My feet started moving, and my body shuddered as I paced the small space. All of the bottled emotions were starting to ooze. There was no way I could contain my frustration, hurt, longing, or loneliness any longer. I desperately wanted Walker to fix it, but magic and fairy dust didn’t exist and those were the only things that could make that all go away.
Walker’s eyes narrowed but his jaw went lax. He rubbed the back of his neck feverishly, hastily stepping in front of me. His abrupt stance got in the way of my pacing and we were standing toe-to-toe. I kept my eyes fixed on his chest. I feared that if I looked into his eyes my anger would melt away, and it was my only fuel. His hands shot out, grabbing my waist to steady my trembling frame.
“Mags.” He sighed and then brought his hand to my chin, forcing my gaze upward. “You loved me?”
There it was—the look that could melt a damn iceberg in mid-January during a blizzard. Hope, joy, frustration, and sorrow all collided in his eyes as he drank in my last words. A flicker of the man I had thought was my saving grace flew across the room like a Roman candle, crashing with my heart and forcing water to rush into my eyes as my mouth fell open and I stuttered for an explanation.
“Of course I did.” I pulled on his hand and we both took our seats again. “You don’t think I did?”
“I did until the last day, and then I convinced myself that it wasn’t real because I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be alive, much less be with the one person I want to be with.”
“Walker, I just don’t get it. If you still care about me, where have you been for the last few days? Do you actually have orders? Or was that another lie too?”
“I do have orders. I have to report in two days. I got the letter in the mail the day Candice died. I was going to tell you when I got back from the fishing trip.”
“So if you have a few days to report, what have you been doing up here?”
“I have been dealing with that asshole you saw earlier.” A faint grin perked up the right corner of Walker’s mouth as he glanced down at our intertwined fingers. “That was my brother, Silas. He’s a rotten egg to say the least. Actually, my whole family up here consists of shit.”
I put my free hand on Walker’s knee, trying to comfort some of the pain that was washing over his face. His rising pulse could be seen through the throbbing of his artery in his neck. “Why didn’t you tell me about them?”
“Ain’t nothing to tell.” He faked a smile as a tear rolled down his cheek.
Eleven
Being that close to Walker was exhilarating and intimidating. As I fought through trying to stay strong and resolute, I was getting weaker. I could see his heartbeat thumping in his neck as he struggled to answer my questions. The frustration and pain in those beautiful green eyes killed me every time I mustered up the guts to look in them.
“I don’t understand, Walker.”
His jaw flexed as he chewed on the corner of his mouth.
“Because once I left this place, I knew there was no going back to them. They are scum-of-the-earth awful and they ain’t worth wasting a breath on.”
Hearing him finally open up about his family broke me down. That was it. I was steadfast in that moment that all I wanted to do was comfort him. I lost myself in his musky scent of sweat and cologne, wishing I were wrapped up in his arms. A quick chill came over me, so I grabbed my jacket from the counter where I’d tossed it and pulled it back over me.
The next thing I knew, I was climbing in his lap, nuzzling up into the nape of his neck, his muscles flexing under my weight to hold on to me as tight as possible without breaking my ribs. I felt droplets tap my forehead as his chest heaved and shuddered under silent sobs. I kissed his cheek and nestled back down, breaking down my wall and letting myself just love him in that moment.
“Is it your brother, mom, and dad? Or do you have more siblings?”
His body grew rigid as he stood to carry me before he sat me back down on the other chair. “Look, Mags. This life up here makes me that bad person I am, the one I was trying to never be again. I don’t deserve more than this. Now I see it. And I definitely do not deserve you.” His eyes broke from mine before continuing, locking onto the gray-speckled terrazzo flooring. “You should fucking hate me for fuck’s sake!” His usually strong voice broke and whispered as his trembling body sat before me.
And my heart shattered again. Not for my sadness, loneliness, confusion, or love; it broke because I knew that he believed the words he was saying, and no matter how much I loved him, worked to forgive him for all his awful actions, or tried to fix him, he could not be fixed until he wanted it for himself. It also broke because I knew that I was not ready to forgive him or love yet, but I wanted to be. With everything I had, I wanted to change and become a better person to deserve him once he was ready for it.
I got down on my knees before Walker, resting my head on his forearm, in between his knees for a moment. “I wish I could take your pain away. I really do.”
In one swift motion, Walker’s warm, full lips were crushing mine, catching the last of my words in his mouth. Walker’s strong arms wrapped around my body as he picked me up and sat me down on an empty spot on the back corner. At first, kissing him felt so foreign and wrong that I cringed and shook from nerves and confusion, but slowly our lips started to soften and move together in a blissful ballet. His hands worked slowly from my middle down to grip my hips under my shirt. After a few second, his hands started stroking up and down my back, sending chills of pleasure through my body.
Kissing down my jawline to the nape of my neck, Walker breathed, “I have missed you so much, Mags. You’re all I think about.”
I gripped his face with both my hands, pulling him to meet my gaze. “Walker, I want to forgive you.”
He sighed into my cheek, kissing just below my ear before whispering, “I don't know if it’s fate, coincidence, or my curse, but I'm still breathing and my breaths are for you.”
I took fistfuls of his black, long-sleeved, cotton shirt, pulling him as close as I could get him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and began to kiss as passionately and roughly as I ever had. I was hungry to taste him again, to feel him again, to simply love him again.
Right then, everything melted away—the fact that we were in the middle of nowhere in a gas station, that I was supposed to hate his guts, that he had a Hyde side of him that was evil and tortured. In that moment, we were simply us—desperately and madly us.
Walker slowly shoved my jacket from my shoulders and tossed it on the metal chair next to us. Panting and gripping the hem of my shirt, he pulled away to look in my eyes. “Mags? Are you sure about this.”
I kissed him
softly on the cheek. “Let’s just not think for a little while. Please.”
He nodded and pulled my hips hard into his, letting me feel how ready his body was for me. I pulled his shirt up over his head, revealing all the gorgeous artwork that covered his chest, shoulders, and arms. I traced my fingertips from the start of his wrist, following the flow of the inked lines until my fingers were stroking his rigid abs just over his belt buckle. Walker’s breathing was heavy as he watched me take in the manly beauty before me. Slowly, I started to kiss from his collarbone to his jaw, finally finding his soft, desperate lips.
Within seconds, our shirts were on the floor along with my bra, and I was working on Walker’s belt when the reality of everything hit me hard in the gut right as Walker’s fingertips met the bird permanently painted on my hip. Flashes of our scuffle in my room just a few days before came to me instantly, and I screamed out in fear and pulled harshly away from Walker.
Trembling, I jumped down from the counter, tears burning the backs of my eyes as I grabbed my shirt and shoved it over my head. I bent down grabbed my purse, shoved my bra into it, and pulled my jacket on, hugging myself as emotions started to rush all over my body, chills and fiery-hot flashes colliding.
“Mags? What is going on?” Walker stared at me, his chest heaving as tears started to trickle down his face.
“Walker, I just…” My throat went dry as I begged for the tears to stop cascading down my face.
He reached for my hand and slowly locked our fingers together. “Mags, I don’t know how to make this better.”
Right then, I panicked, ripped my hand from his, and stumbled backward. I hated and loved him so much, but what took over all of it was the simple fear of not knowing completely what he was capable of. I had only seen glimpses, and in that moment, I truly understood that I did not know everything about Walker Eastman and I was not in any shape to figure it all out just yet.
The pain in his eyes threatened to break down my resolve and force me to want to comfort him. But there was no way I could start to mend his broken heart with the shattered one still pounding in my chest.
So I did the only thing I could do. Against my better judgment, I turned and made my way for the gas station’s door. Shaking and about to break down into a fit of tears and blubbering, scared to death I was making the wrong decision, I got a few steps away from the exit.
Walker’s hand came shooting out to stop me right before I could turn the handle. “Please, Mags…” His eyes were painful to look at, but I needed to stay strong this time. I needed to heal more. I was not ready to forgive the Hyde side of this man, who I knew deep down still held my heart in the palm of his hand.
I knew that I’d melt like butter if he kept pleading, so I did the only thing I could: I hurt him. “You killed my husband, you selfish bastard. Now let me go, you fucking coward.”
And with that, his hand released mine and he turned his back to me. As the bell chimed overhead, I walked out the door, slamming it behind me. As I made a mad dash for my car, the tears started to run. I didn’t turn around even though my heart was screaming for me to and beating uncontrollably out of my chest. I could not let Walker to see how much I still cared about him, that I still craved his touch, that I was still so terribly lonely without him. That deep down I was in love with him.
I started the engine and sped out of the station and onto the dusty dirt road, speeding toward home. Finally, for the first time since I’d crossed into Georgia, I checked my phone and saw tons of missed calls and texts from Cali and Mitch. I did not feel like checking them all, so I dialed Cali’s number.
Before the second ring came, Cali’s voice was on the other end of the line, completely frustrated and nervous. “Mags? Where the hell are you?” she shrieked into the phone.
“I’m heading home.” My voice sounded weak from my exhaustion.
“Home? From where?” She was short, not really having much patience when she was worried.
“I found him, Cali. Walker’s been at his parents’ place up here. I needed answers and I got them.”
“Oh, honey. Do you want Mitch and me to come get you?” Cali finally sounded sweet and genuinely loving with a hint of concern— the normal mix I was used to in my best friend’s voice.
“No, I need some time. I think I am going to head back to my place finally.”
There was no way I wanted to talk about my experience with Walker just yet. I was too scared to be wrong about driving away to share my hasty decisions. Once I was finally ready to open up, Cali and Mitch would make me talk about Walker and my feelings. Fucking feelings. I really had grown to hate feeling anything.
“All right. Well, your mom called. She had your place cleaned this morning and dropped Randy’s truck off at your house. Please call me if you need anything. But I understand. Love you.”
“Thanks, Cali. If you talk to Mom again, thank her for me. Love you too.”
I set my course for my lonely, memory-infested abode. Panic started to rise in my chest as my memories tripped through everything building. I wanted to be with Walker and I was driving away from him. I was torn. I loved and hated different sides of the coin. Jekyll was my dream and Hyde was my curse, but I had to accept both to fill my heart. All or nothing. As I drove into the blackness, my hands stayed firm and my mind was made—at least for the time being. Fuck it, I need a drink.
Twelve
Pushing the doors open to The Saloon alone was weird, but it felt liberating. Since my promise to Buck, I felt really guilty for entering the bar in that mental state, but after the day I’d had, I was willing to not be too ashamed of one lapse in judgment.
As I walked into the busy bar, I blocked everything out—the sound of the boots slamming against the wooden dance floor; the blaring music booming over the yelling, drunken crowd; the people shoving past me to get another round before the next song came on. I made my way to my usual spot at the back bar. My stare was fixed on the old oak bar top, my hands shaking and my heart beating out of my chest. I needed to forget everything that had just happened and I begged to forget Walker and to have him there all at once. So there I sat, at the only place I knew drinks would flow freely enough to induce temporary memory loss. It’s at least a start.
To my horror, a perky little blond ponytail bounced into my view, whipping around to show the face of the whore-bag I definitely was not in the mood to deal with that night. Cindy’s shocked face fed me a little bit of pleasure as she scurried away from my end of the bar and got another bartender over to take care of me.
A tall, skinny bartender strode over, putting a coaster in front of me. “What the hell did you do to make that bitch so upset?”
Her words oozed enjoyment and I let a faint smile wash over my face. “She tried to steal my man and I wasn’t having that.”
My mind went back to the terrible morning when she’d done a walk of shame out of Walker’s room and out my front door. Even though they hadn’t slept together, it had still been a terrible situation, and she would forever be labeled as a slut in my book, right along with Eva, Mitch’s two-timing ex-stepmother. They both could go to hell for all I cared.
The bartender stared down at me, hand on her hip. “Well, nice job! Most of us can’t stand her! What’ll it be…?” Her words lingered, hoping to catch my name, but I ignored her attempt to get to know me. There was no way I was going to let myself be vulnerable and chitchat about my shitty-ass mood or how it got that way.
“Bud bottle and a double of Jack straight up back please.”
She smirked at me. “You got it, and the first round is on me.”
About a minute later, my beverages were set on the coaster and the tall bartender was still waiting in my view, expecting me to want to pour my heart out. I knew that it was customary for people who were drinking alone to find solace in the kind ear of the barkeep, but I did not care at all. I raised my eyebrow at her questioningly, waiting to see if she had anything else to say.
She smacked her hand
on the bar. “Well, if you need anything, I’m Rachel. Just holler.”
With a sigh of relief, I thanked her and fired down my warm whiskey. The shivers went down my entire back, sending a tingling sensation into my fingertips. Yup. That is exactly what I wanted.
I was able to drink two beers and another shot of Jack in peace before my nightmare of a barfly fluttered over into my miserable little bubble. I could see his lean frame thump onto the stool next to mine, his hand gesturing to Rachel for another round of “whatever this cutie is having.” I gagged a little at his words as I looked over to Rachel with pleading eyes. She winked and went to make his drink order with a devilish grin forming quickly. My eyes were fixed on the row of liquor bottles lining the back wall of the bar, determined to make it known that his presence was not welcome in the slightest. Apparently, I did not do a good enough job.
His hot breath dusted over my ear as he whispered, “Hey, you. Where’s your tough-guy boyfriend?”
I took a long swig of my beer, finally breaking my stare-down with the wall, and whipped around to look at my unwelcome companion. “Hi, Kris. Can’t you tell when a girl just wants to be left the fuck alone?” My voice was so rigid that I was sure it would pierce into that thick skull of his, but instead, a sly, flirtatious smile perked up his cheeks and a frustrating little twinkle flickered in his gaze.
Rachel brought our drinks over and Kris slid his credit card across the bar to her. “Open up a tab for me, will ya, doll? And add this little filly’s drinks onto it. She’s on me tonight.”
His words made me want to vomit in his lap, and I could tell by the look Rachel shared with me that she felt the same way. Right then I knew that Rachel and I were going to be getting along very well that evening and I was probably going to have to enlist her help in getting this creep of an ex-hookup away from me.
The Crashing Series Page 29
