What Goes Down: An emotional must-read of love, loss and second chances

by Natalie K. Martin

  Laurel nodded. It was a good strategy. Maybe if her parents weren’t such workaholics, they’d have more time to spend with her and George like they’d used to and they’d get along better. Laurel vowed to be different when she had children of her own. She wanted to be the kind of mum who was laid back and more like a friend than a parent.

  ‘Speaking of the good stuff…’ Nico reached out and took her arm, pulling her onto the ground next to him.

  Her heartbeat ratcheted. She’d wondered what would happen when they finally got out of the car, whether they’d only kiss like they had last week or go further. She steadied herself by lying on her side and propping herself up on an elbow, mirroring Nico. His eyelashes looked impossibly long as his dark eyes scanned her face. He leaned in closer and then stopped just a few, tantalising millimetres away, so close that the warmth of his breath on her lips made them tingle. His eyes were filled with the same intensity she’d seen when they’d sat on the stairs at Tom’s party, just before they’d kissed for the very first time. It made her feel naked, as if he could see right through her, deep into her soul. Her breath grew shallow and a shiver ran through her as he traced a line across her skin, up her arm to her shoulder and neck. She closed her eyes, swallowing as his finger reached her jaw, leaving a burning trail behind until he let his finger rest on her bottom lip.

  He hadn’t even kissed her yet, but Laurel’s whole body came alive. She felt every inch of her skin, every pump of her heartbeat, every surge of adrenaline and every nerve ending, tingling and rushing. Her insides trembled as she became fully aware of the patch of skin on her lip where his finger was. She couldn’t stop herself from opening her mouth a little and touching the tip of it with her tongue. The anticipation of his kiss made her breath stop and somehow, even though her eyes were still closed, she knew that his lips had moved even closer to hers. She could almost feel them.

  The whoosh of traffic in the distance roared in her ears and the air felt cool on her skin. And, finally, just before the wait became unbearable, his lips connected with hers. Just like last week, everything became Nico and anything that wasn’t fell away into nothingness. His tongue was on hers and her head swam with the smell of him as he pressed his body along the length of hers. The feel of him bathed her in warmth and he gently lifted her T-shirt to slide his hand underneath it. Laurel reached her arm around to let her hand rest on his back, firm and strong under her palm. Her belly quivered as his hands brushed against her skin with a feather-light touch and she swallowed hard, determined not to let nerves get the better of her. She was no virgin, after all.

  After her first and only time, she’d thought that sex was overrated and no big deal. But now she had the feeling that she’d been very wrong. Nico reached between her legs, cupping her in his hand. She whimpered. Maybe this was what it was supposed to feel like, what it was really all about. She didn’t care that they were sitting on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere, technically out in public. Nothing else mattered.

  He left a trail of kisses up her neck before looking up at her. ‘Still think I’m crazy?’

  Laurel could barely breathe, let alone say anything back. All she knew was that whatever he was doing made her feel alive. It was as if she’d been walking around with her eyes closed until now, and all she wanted was for this feeling to continue. She wanted to hold onto this glow that was radiating from the inside out. She wanted to feel his hands in her hair and on her body, to feel him.

  She didn’t care if he was crazy. Because if he was, then she had to be too.

  *

  ‘You did what?’

  Laurel looked at her brother as he sat up in his bed with his jaw hanging open. His hair was sticking up in the middle like a woodpecker’s tuft.

  ‘Ssh,’ she hissed. ‘You’ll wake up Mum and Dad.’

  ‘Are you mad?’ he replied, quieter this time.

  All she could do was smile as she played with a small tear in her jeans. The backs of her thighs were damp and the scent of dewy grass still lingered in her nose.

  ‘You told me you gave someone a blowjob in a park once, remember?’ she said.

  ‘Yes, but that’s me. You’re you. My little sister. You can’t go around shagging people in a field in the middle of nowhere.’

  Laurel shrugged.

  ‘Tell me you at least used a condom,’ he demanded, scrutinising her face.

  ‘Of course. I’m not stupid.’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘After what you’ve just told me, I wouldn’t be so sure.’

  Weak predawn light filtered through the gap in his curtains, shining on his disapproving face. A flash of irritation hit her. George knew how much she’d pined for Nico more than anyone, and he’d given her a high five when she’d told him what had happened at Tom’s party. If she’d have known he’d react like this, she’d have gone straight to bed to hold onto the afterglow of it all instead of having it stamped on.

  ‘Thanks a lot,’ she mumbled, looking down at his bed sheets. ‘I thought you’d be happy for me.’

  George sighed and raked his fingers through his hair, displaying the alarmingly large tufts of hair under his armpits. ‘Kissing is one thing. I just can’t believe you’ve slept with him already. You hardly even know him and you’re going to god knows where in the middle of the night with him. Anything could have happened to you.’

  ‘But it didn’t.’

  ‘I don’t like it. I don’t want him taking advantage of you. You’ve given it up to him so easily.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that. I wanted it just as much as he did. We really like each other. I wouldn’t sleep with just anyone, you know.’

  She looked at him with a face that she hoped looked responsible instead of one that was giddy with the high of having just slept with her new boyfriend for the first time. She was sure George was only playing the concerned older brother role and that somewhere, deep down, he was happy for her. He had to be.

  Laurel climbed across the bed to sit next to him, hoping and waiting for him to soften.

  ‘It better had been good,’ George said, with disapproval still lingering on his face.

  She smiled, remembering just how good it had been. ‘Oh, it was. It was amazing.’ She quickly looked at George’s door to make sure it was properly shut. ‘There’s something else.’

  ‘What?’ he asked warily.

  ‘He’s asked me to move to London with him.’

  George looked back at her, stunned. His face probably looked exactly like hers had when Nico had suggested it. ‘What?’

  She took a deep breath. ‘He’s really serious. About me, and about us. He wants me to move to London with him to help with his new business. He said I could do a photography course, and he’d even help with the fees.’

  George laughed. ‘O-kay. You really had me going then.’

  ‘I’m serious.’

  ‘Blimey, he moves fast. He must’ve been disappointed when you said no.’ George laughed lightly again but when he looked at her face it quickly fell away. ‘You did say no, didn’t you?’

  Laurel puffed her cheeks with air before blowing it out through her mouth.

  ‘Lorie,’ he said, shaking his head. His eyebrows were so creased together they could have been a unibrow. ‘Tell me you’re not considering this.’

  ‘Why not?’ she asked with a shrug. ‘You know I don’t want to go to uni to study English. I want to get out of here. I want to be somewhere I can let my creativity shine.’ She repeated Nico’s words because it was true. How was she supposed to ever do anything, be anything, in a sleepy place like this?

  George smirked. ‘That’s just about the cheesiest thing I think I’ve ever heard. You’re mental. Absolutely insane. You don’t even know him.’

  ‘I do. I might not know all the details of his life, but I do know him. I know him better than I’ve ever known anyone else.’

  ‘No, you don’t. You’re bowled over by your feelings, you’re walking on air, and you feel like you can do anything
. It’s called lust.’

  Laurel shook her head. ‘No, it’s not. It’s more than that.’

  ‘You can’t just go running off with the guy. You’re only seventeen.’

  ‘I’m eighteen next month,’ she reminded him with a hint of defiance.

  ‘And what do you think Mum and Dad will have to say about it? You don’t even have any money of your own. How do you expect to live?’

  ‘I can get a job.’ Laurel pouted.

  George tutted and shook his head. ‘It’s just so quick, Lorie. Seeing each other at the weekends is one thing but this is something else. You’ve only known the man a week.’

  ‘I know, but we’ll have known each other a lot longer by the time I’d move.’

  ‘He’s twenty-five years old.’

  ‘Which means he knows about life and relationships. He’s not some silly boy from college. You should spend some time together, you’ll really like him, George. He’s so driven and motivated and…’ she sighed happily.

  ‘Anyone would think you’ve just found the Holy Grail the way you’re talking.’

  ‘I have.’

  Everything seemed like an adventure with Nico, a new possibility just waiting to happen. She’d never met anyone like him and after tonight, she knew that she’d do anything to keep him. And if that meant moving to London, then that’s what she would do.

  ‘How do you know he’ll still want you to move in a few weeks’ time?’ George asked. ‘Men are fickle creatures, trust me.’

  She thought about the ardent way Nico had spoken about it. He sounded so sure and confident about what he wanted that she couldn’t imagine he’d ever change his mind.

  ‘He will,’ she replied. ‘He’s really serious about this, George.’

  ‘If it were me, I’d wait a lot longer.’

  ‘But it’s not you, is it?’

  ‘Ten quid says it’ll never happen.’

  ‘That’s ten quid towards my London fund, then.’

  ‘London fund…’ George tutted. ‘I don’t fancy being you when you have to tell Mum and Dad.’

  ‘I’ll think about that later,’ she replied, pushing the thought of her parents’ inevitable disapproval away. ‘By the time I tell them, I’ll have signed up to a course somewhere and they’ll know I’m taking it seriously. I’m not going there to faff around, George. I’m going there to live the life I’ve always wanted.’

  George looked at her, shaking his head. ‘Oh, Lorie. I just hope you know what you’re doing.’

  ‘I do.’ She smiled dreamily. ‘I’m telling you, I’ve never felt like this before. Not ever.’

  ‘God, help us all if you’re going to go around with that look on your face forever now.’

  Laurel laughed. ‘I’m off to bed before Mum and Dad wake up. I’m mega tired.’

  George slid back down under the covers, pulling them up to his neck as he turned to lie on his side. ‘That’s what gadding about having sex in fields will do to you. You need to stop that before you get yourself a reputation.’

  Laurel rolled her eyes with a smile as she left his room and quietly crept down the hallway to her own. She closed the door behind her and surveyed the room. It was just as she’d left it when she’d crept out a few hours before, but it felt different now.

  She looked at the worn carpet, the rows of books stacked on the shelves and the make-up clustered on her desk. It was no longer a room to contain her. All it was now was a holding place, until she could finally start living the life she’d always dreamt of. She smiled as she pulled off her jeans and T-shirt, and threw them into the laundry basket. George hadn’t jumped up and down with approval about Nico’s suggestion but she knew he’d come around. Laurel climbed into bed and stretched her limbs out under the cool sheets. Nico was like a supernova, bursting into her life with light and the promise of everything she could ever want. George was right, their parents would go mad but, as far as she was concerned, she only had one life. It was time for her to start living it.

  SEPH

  Twelve

  Was it normal for palms to sweat this much? Seph wiped them on her jeans for the hundredth time as the Piccadilly Line train sped through the tunnel. She rarely caught the Tube, preferring her bicycle instead. She’d made a mistake leaving it at home because now she felt claustrophobic, wedged into a packed carriage with a class of kids on a school trip and tourists with suitcases. By the time she finally got off at Covent Garden, she stood on the platform, vowing never to do it again. Her heart was racing and the heat of the train had made her legs tremble.

  Stepping out of the station and into the daylight was like swapping one furnace for another. The sun beat down on Central London, and she fanned herself with her wide-brimmed hat. It was much too hot for a hat like this. Why had she brought it in the first place? Or her leather jacket? What had she been thinking? She’d planned to wear a dress to stay cool in the heat but had opted for her fail-safe of a light shirt and jeans at the last minute. She’d been so jittery getting ready that it had been a miracle she’d managed to get dressed at all.

  Someone barged past her, talking loudly into their mobile. It was five minutes to three on a Wednesday afternoon but people were everywhere, waiting outside the station, walking past with shopping bags and briefcases, smoking, laughing, talking. She checked the address she was supposed to go to on her phone before turning the corner into a small side street and following it until she saw a cafe with a sandwich board standing outside on the pavement.

  The leaping of her stomach upgraded itself to fully-fledged nausea. If she went inside that cafe, everything would change and things would never be the same again. She toyed with her pendant, rubbing it as if it were a magic talisman that could spring a genie who could tell her what to do. Seph glanced behind her, in the direction she’d just come from. Nico didn’t know she was here yet. She could turn around now, go home and go back to the life she’d always known. Or…

  She turned to look back at the cafe and before she could think her way out of it, put one foot in front of the other. She could feel every inch of her foot spreading across the pavement in her plimsolls as she walked. She even detected the slight trembling of a tube train rattling under the ground beneath her as she came to the cafe door. The brass handle was cool under her hand as she pushed it down and stepped inside. She looked briefly across the small space before stopping dead in her tracks. She’d never seen him in the flesh - at least not that she could remember - but she’d recognise him anywhere.

  The aromas of coffee and bacon surrounded Seph as she stood still, her heart pounding loudly in her chest. She slowly let go of the door handle, her eyes fixed onto the man sitting in the corner. As the door closed behind her, the faint tinkle of a bell rang out and a ball of something that felt like a strange concoction of happiness and fear and disbelief wedged itself in her throat. Seph continued to stare as he stood up.

  He was taller than she’d expected, with broad shoulders. He was wearing a shirt and tie over chinos, and his hair was tied back from his face. His eyes were dark, darker even than hers. She detected nerves behind them as they scanned her face. And as the ball in her throat grew larger and larger, she realised that she looked just like him. Seph committed every inch of his face to memory, the neat, close-cut beard sprinkled with grey, his heavy eyebrows and olive skin.

  ‘Seph?’

  She blinked and slowly nodded. Her head felt light and her throat dry. She was desperate for a glass of water or a cup of tea or something to dislodge the ball in her throat.

  ‘Do you want to sit?’ he asked softly, but didn’t wait for a reply.

  He led her to the closest table and Seph slid into the hard chair, clutching her hat in her hands. She scrutinised his face as he sat in the chair opposite. Was it really him? It was a stupid question. Of course it was. They had the same eyes and chin, but it wasn’t just that. She recognised him on another level too, one she couldn’t describe or even begin to understand.

  As soon as
she’d got off the phone with him two days ago, she’d convinced herself that she’d made the wrong decision. Her stomach had churned and twisted itself into knots and her mind had turned against her. What had she been thinking? Was she insane? Didn’t she have enough on her plate without adding to it? Her mind had tormented her, reminding her that he was the same man who’d left her and her mum to fend for themselves without a backwards glance. That it would be a huge, enormous mistake to try and establish any kind of connection with him. She’d almost called back to cancel. She’d picked up the phone, her finger poised and ready to press ‘call’, but curiosity had got the better of her.

  ‘Do you want something to drink?’ he asked, looking at the laminated menu on the table between them. ‘A Coke, or tea?’

  Seph stared at the point between his eyebrows, set into what looked like a permanent crease. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. She’d anticipated a feeling of distance, like an automatic barrier against him but instead, he was strangely familiar. Resonance of any kind was the last thing she’d expected to feel.

  Nico dug a finger into the tie around his neck and pulled it to one side, grimacing. ‘Blimey, it’s hot in here.’ He stopped and looked at her. ‘Tell you what, there’s a pub on the corner. We could have a drink outside instead, if you fancy it?’

  Seph’s shoulders dropped as a bolt of nervous laughter involuntarily shot up from inside, breaking through the ball that had lodged itself in her throat since she’d laid eyes on him. She nodded through the laughter as the promise of fresh air lifted the invisible weight of nerves a little from her shoulders.

  ‘Yeah.’ Another trickle of giddy laughter left her mouth before she took a deep breath to steady herself. ‘That would be great.’

  He grinned, revealing deep dimples on both cheeks and got up from the table. Seph ducked under his outstretched arm as he held the door open and stepped outside. The pub was only two shops down and, as promised, offered high tables outside, two of which were empty. It was standing room only, but at least they’d be out in the fresh air and away from the cloying smell of frying oil. Inside, the pub was small and stuffy and, thanks to its tiny windows and traditional timber interior, it felt horribly dark and sombre.