“Then don’t let me walk out. Be with me, Maddie. I love you, okay. I love you, I need you, I want you. I can’t exist without you.” I felt pathetic, like I was begging her to save my life. In a way I was. At that moment, she was the only one who could save me.
Before she could respond I brought her lips to mine and kissed her deeply. At first she hesitated and tried to pull away, but I persisted. Finally, she relented and wrapped her arms around my neck. She placed her fingers in my hair and returned my kiss with intensity.
The passion between us grew quickly as we both searched to fill the void in our lives that had developed in the past month by not seeing each other. Maddie moaned as she unbuttoned my jeans making sure her lips didn’t leave mine for too long. I felt around on the back of the dress for some sort of zipper or clasp, but couldn’t find it.
“I’ll do it,” she said standing. She undid the side zipper, stepped out of the dress then joined me back on the couch. We kissed with rapacious fervor as we continued to disrobe until we were both naked and breathing heavily burning with anticipation.
We made love quickly and passionately releasing the tension and anxiety of our lives into each other. It was animal, primal, yet completely fulfilling. It was a breathtaking physical expression of love that solidified the fact that we belonged together, we belonged to each other. Afterward, we clung to each other like we were afraid to let go.
Comfortably nestled on her warm bare stomach, I started to doze off. For the first time in a week I felt like I might be able to sleep peacefully. “I love you so much, Garrett. Please don’t ever doubt that.” I heard her whisper. Then she kissed the top of my head and slid out from under me. “I have to go,” she said as she started to get dressed.
“Don’t go. Stay with me just a little while longer.” I reached my hand out for her.
“I can’t Garrett. My dad’s giving a speech in like 20 minutes and I need to be there. This is a huge fundraiser for him. If I’m not there, he’ll know something’s wrong and he’ll come looking for me.”
“Fine, I get it. I’ll go.” I angrily hopped off the couch and found my boxer shorts.
“You can stay for a while if you want. I just really need to get downstairs before I’m missed. Stay, okay? Just stay and…and I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
“What good will that do, huh? You’ll just make me leave as soon as your father comes within 50 feet of me. I feel stupid for even coming here tonight.” Things were never going to change between us. No matter how much she said she loved me I would never be good enough for her. I would never be able to be with her the way I wanted to be.
Maddie watched quietly as I got dressed. I refused to look at her. I didn’t want her to see how much I was hurting. “What do you want from me, Garrett? What the hell did you expect?” Her voice was a plea singed with frustration and anger.
“I want you to be there for me. I want you to support me. That’s what I expect from someone who claims to love me.”
“Why is it always about you, Garrett? What about me? You think you have the market cornered on suffering? At least you have parents who love you. My mother is dead and my father cares more about what I wear to an interview than how I feel.” Maddie yelled as her shaking hands tried to pin her tousled hair back up.
“I have a stalker, Garrett. Did you know that? Did you even care to ask how my life was going? There’s a creepy 30-year-old man that I’ve never met professing his love for me and begging to marry me. I’m not allowed to go to school, I can’t go to a movie with friends, I can’t even go to the bathroom without Roscoe going in first and making sure it’s all clear.”
I thought about what she said. Of course, she was right. I had only been concerned with my own needs. I didn’t even ask about her heart condition or how her health was. I had been completely selfish.
Maddie went into the other room and quickly touched up her make-up in front of a mirror. Then she came back and slipped on her shoes as she said, “I’m sorry for everything you’re going through right now, okay? I really am. But I’m going through stuff, too. And I’m sorry I can’t be everything you need me to be when you need it.” Maddie fought back tears as she glared at me from across the hotel suite.
“So, what do we do? Where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know.” Maddie took a tissue from her purse and dabbed her eyes trying to preserve her make-up. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then she approached me and held me with her eyes. She kissed her fingertips then placed them on my lips. “I gotta get downstairs.”Then she grabbed her purse and left me. Alone.
Chapter 25: Abandoned Again
I paced the hotel room contemplating sticking around. I wanted to apologize for not taking her feelings into consideration. I wanted to make her feel better and get her through the trying times in her life. And more than anything, I wanted to make love to her again. But I didn’t want to feel like some kind of lap dog who stayed when she commanded it. My pride wouldn’t let me. Even if I wanted to stay, I couldn’t. Eden spent Christmas Eve with a classmate and I had to go pick her up before it got too late.
We weren’t big on holiday traditions in my family so Eden spending Christmas Eve out of the house was not only okay with me and Holly, it was welcome. I thought Eden should have a chance for a happy Christmas Eve.
Eden had spent the evening with the Kobayashi family. A family with a Japanese father and a black mother. The mixture had produced four gorgeous children including 12-year-old Tracee, Eden’s best friend at school.
“Eden can spend the night if she wants,” Mrs. Kobayashi said when I entered their home. “She can borrow some clothes from Tracee. We really don’t mind. We even have gifts for her already under the tree.”
I looked over at Eden and Tracee staring at me with big hopeful eyes. They each wanted me to say yes. My heart ached. I wanted Eden to have a happy Christmas, but I also didn’t want to give the impression that something was wrong at our home. Apparently, Eden had already given that impression or Mrs. Kobayashi wouldn’t be asking in the first place.
“We appreciate the offer, Mrs. Kobayashi, but we need to get home. Our mother is expecting us and…we, um, always decorate the tree together on Christmas Eve,” I lied.
“We don’t even have a tree!” Eden blurted.
“Eden!” I snapped and admonished her with my eyes. Eden huffed then rolled her eyes. She gave Tracee a hug, then grabbed her coat and stomped toward the door.
“Thank you for having Eden over. Maybe we’ll have Tracee over soon as well.”Mrs. Kobayashi gave a fake smile and a slight nod of the head. I could tell she knew that would never happen. I could tell she knew too much.
“What did you tell them?” I asked Eden through clenched teeth as we walked to the bus stop.
“I told them the truth. That my mother is an alcoholic who doesn’t love me.”
“That’s not true, Eden and you know it. Mom loves you. She’s just sick right now. But she’ll get better soon.”
“Whatever. Even when she’s well, she doesn’t love me as much as she loves you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Do you know how many times mom has raised her hand to me and you’ve been there to stop her? I can’t even count. Well, think about it Garrett, has she ever once tried to hit you?”
I did think about it. Could Eden be right? Eden usually did get the brunt of our mother’s anger.
“Eden, that doesn’t mean-”
“Just forget it.” Eden crossed her arms and refused to talk to me the rest of the way home.
When we got home, I knew we were in for a rough night before I even opened the door. All the lights were off in the house and the song “A Whiter Shade of Pale” blared over the stereo. My mother hated that song. Once when Eden was four or five, Eden turned on the radio and the song happened to be playing. My mother picked up the radio and smashed it against the wall then reached out to smack Eden as if it were her fault the radio d
ecided to play that song at that moment. Luckily, I was there to intercept the blow. My mother then went to her room and cried for hours. I hadn’t heard that song since, but I knew she despised it. I wondered what possessed her to play it now.
“ ‘bout time you two got home,” my mother slurred. She was seated on the floor resting her head on the entertainment center and nursing a bottle of scotch. “Come give your mother a hug. It’s Christmas.” She reached out her arms and lifted her head, but she couldn’t hold it steady. She got off balance and slumped to the side spilling scotch all over the rug.
Eden shook her head in disgust then ran off to her room.
“That’s right! You go to your room you little tramp. You whore!” My mother threw the bottle in Eden’s direction, but it didn’t go very far shattering on the coffee table two feet away.
“I hate you, you drunk bitch!” Eden yelled before slamming her door.
I went over and tried to help my mother up. “Mother, I won’t stand for this. You can’t talk to her that way.”
“But it’s true. All little girls are whores, begging men to taste the succulent fruit of their virginity.” She didn’t even sound like herself. My mother would never use the word ‘succulent.’
“Mother, don’t say that. You’re not making any sense.”
“Garrett, baby, do you think I’m a whore?” Her demeanor changed and she suddenly seemed like a little girl in my arms begging for approval.
“Of course not, mother.” She went limp. She had passed out cold. I carried her to the bedroom and tucked her in. She woke up every few moments thrashing her arms and legs wildly into the darkness then she would fall back down to the bed asleep. I stayed with her until I felt sleep had won the fight for the night.
I went to check on Eden. I wanted Eden to understand that Holly wasn’t herself when she drank. We needed to come up with a plan to help our mother. By the time I got to her room, though, Eden was already fast asleep.
I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling unable to sleep again. I closed my eyes and pictured Maddie’s face hoping that the love we shared would be enough to calm my spirit and allow me to drift off. It didn’t work. In fact, I felt worse because of the way things ended with us. I wanted to go for a jog, but I didn’t want to leave Eden alone in the house with our mother. Her violent attitude toward Eden frightened me. I started to think maybe Eden was right. Maybe she did love me more than Eden. But how could a mother not love her own daughter? I didn’t think it was possible. But, then again, with alcohol involved, anything can be possible.
Four hours later, I snuck into my mother’s room to make sure she was all right. To my surprise, she was gone. I ran to the front door just in time to see her car pulling away. I stood there wondering if I would ever see her again.
Chapter 26: Guardianship
One good thing about public school is that it’s easy to blend into the background and not be noticed. At my old school, I was able to hide most of my problems at home. Not the case at Barton Arms. Right before Christmas break, my teachers started noticing changes in me and Eden. I started sleeping in class since I didn’t get much sleep at home and Eden started mouthing off to teachers. When their requests for a parent conference went unanswered, they got our social worker involved.
“Garrett, open up. It’s me, Bernice,” she called as she banged on the door. It was four days before the end of break and Eden and I were getting used to fending for ourselves again. I cleaned the dishes while Eden took a shower and got ready for the day.
I don’t know why I didn’t answer after the first knock. I saw her car pull up and even watched as she approached the door. I just hoped she would go away if I pretended we weren’t home. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Bernice Johnson. She had been my social worker since my grandmother died. I’d grown quite attached to her. I can remember several occasions when I begged to live with her instead of going to another foster home.
When I was five, she was only about 22 and I thought she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life. I wanted her to be my mother instead of Holly. Since Bernice was black, I thought my life would be easier that way. Over the years I even developed a little crush on her. When she came to see me in the hospital after my fight with Jimmy, I remember I proposed to her. She let me down easy saying that she didn’t want to take me away from Eden and Holly. And that one day, when they were all right, she might take me up on that offer.
Today, she was still just as sweet and beautiful as ever, but I still didn’t want to talk to her. I didn’t want to explain to her that I hadn’t seen my mother in days. And I certainly didn’t want her putting me and Eden into foster care again. So, I continued cleaning the dishes and ignored her calls and knocks.
She was just about to leave when Eden came out of the bathroom in her robe and noticed Bernice's car.
“Bernice!” she exclaimed as she ran to the door and flung it open. She jumped into Bernice’s arms and nearly knocked her over.
“Hi, sweetie,” she said as she returned the hug then entered the house. “It’s so good to see you.”
“Here sit down,” Eden said showing her to the couch. “Do you want some pancakes? Garrett showed me how to make some this morning.”
“No, sweetie, I already ate, but thank you,” Bernice said as she took off her coat and took a seat on the couch. “Eden, why don’t you go finished getting dressed and let me talk to your brother for a while?”
Eden nodded, kissed Bernice on the cheek then bounced off to her bedroom. I dried my hands on a dish towel then went to join Bernice in the living room.
“How are you, Garrett?” she asked. She patted the seat next to her indicating that I should sit down, but I continued standing at the end of the couch.
“I’m fine. We’re fine,” I said crossing my arms.
Bernice nodded then pressed her lips together. After twelve years, she knew how to handle me. She knew she had to try a different approach. “You’re school called me a few weeks ago. They’re concerned about you and Eden.” She waited for me to provide an explanation. When I didn’t, she continued. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to get out here. I have about a million cases and it’s Christmas time. I’m just completely swamped.”
I still didn’t respond.
“You’re just as stubborn as ever. Richard says he hasn’t been able to break through your obstinate exterior.”
“I don’t want to talk about Richard,” I said flopping down into the recliner next to the couch.
“Why not? What did he do to you?”
“He talks to Eden about sex.”
Bernice paused and pursed her lips. “Is that why you won’t talk to him? Is that why you skipped your last appointment?” I didn’t respond. “Look, why shouldn’t he talk to Eden about sex? He’s a doctor. A licensed professional. I’d rather her learn about sex from him than from her bonehead classmates.”
When she put it that way, it didn’t seem so bad. It kind of made sense, but I was in no mood to admit that I might possibly be wrong, so I just sat there and stared at the wall.
We sat in silence for a while as Bernice looked around the living room. I don’t know whether it was the lack of a Christmas tree, the lack of cars in the driveway, or my lack of warmth towards her, but she knew something was wrong.
“How long has she been gone, Garrett?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I hopped out of the recliner and went back to the kitchen.
She followed and said, “I’m talking about your mother Holly. When did she leave?”
“She’s not gone. She just went to the store to get some milk. She’ll be back any minute,” I said leaning over the sink hiding my face from Bernice.
“Fine.” Bernice took a seat at the table. “Then you won’t mind if I just wait for her. Maybe I’ll have some of those pancakes, Eden was talking about.”
I sighed. I knew she would stick around until the truth came out. There was no use hiding it from he
r. “She left Christmas morning.”
“And you haven’t seen or heard from her in almost two weeks?” I shook my head. “Oh Garrett, why didn’t you tell someone?” Bernice stood up and embraced me.
“I don’t want to end up in foster care,” I said as I hugged her back and fought the urge to cry.
“Garrett, this is serious. Holly could be hurt. We need to file a missing person’s report. We have to get the police involved.”
“No, Bernice, please. She’ll come back. She always does.”
“I can’t leave you two here alone. Where’s your stepfather?”
I shrugged. “We don’t need him. I’m 17. I can take care of Eden. Just let me handle things. I can do it. I always have.”
“Garrett, I can’t in good conscience-”
Guardian of Eden Page 17
