by Tara Spears
“Go change. I can’t stand to watch you shiver any longer.” He wriggled his fingers towards the bathroom.
I set my glass down, turned and headed into the bathroom. I punted the door closed, then leaned against it, just breathing. My chest burned with every intake, and my pulse was rioting out of control.
We’d spent one drunken night together and I felt like a kid with a crush. What was that word Justin had used? Flitterpated? It was a little gay, but that summed up how I felt. Fluttery, nervous, excited, and terrified all at once. I’d experienced so many firsts in the last day... hell, the last twelve hours that I couldn’t help fearing the crash I knew was out there, somewhere, waiting to trip me and send me sprawling into a bloody heap. For some reason I couldn’t get myself to want to leave, even if I knew I needed to.
Scrubbing my face with a hand, I pushed off the door and stripped out of my damp clothes. I took a piss then pulled on Justin’s robe. The medicinal Mai Tai smell that was Justin wafted up, and in a very girlish move I buried my nose into it, sniffing deeply. I was starting to grow fond of his peculiar scent. I was reasonably certain that wasn’t a good thing in my world. Regardless, I breathed in his scent for a good minute.
I threw my clothes in the washer, added some detergent then started it. Once my face and hands had been scrubbed clean, I headed back out to the spiky-haired mystery that had flipped my life upside down in one drunken night.
As I came out of the bathroom, he held out his hand.
“Come on, let’s go back to bed. I don’t know about you but I still feel whipped.”
I slid my hand into his, letting him tug me down the hallway to the master bedroom. I wasn’t sure what I thought I was doing, but when he cuddled up to me under the huge down comforter my whole body relaxed into him.
We were on a very cushy king size bed, and I fell asleep quickly with Justin wrapped tightly around me. Not once did it cross my mind I might wake up in my world of nightmares. It did, however, cross my mind that I needed to desperately brush my teeth.
We both woke at the same time to noises coming from the main part of the house. Justin listened tensely for a moment then snuggled back against my side. I dropped my head and nuzzled his hair, a smile playing with my lips.
“Cleaning crew,” he mumbled.
“You have a crew that comes and cleans up after the parties?” I asked, amazed.
He nodded, his hair tickling my jaw. “It’s a rotating thing. Everyone has to do it at some point.” He stretched then settled farther onto my chest.
“That’s... that’s really smart actually.” It was too. I couldn’t help but be impressed with how organized the group was. Much more so than the dorm parties. Yuck. They were drunken, tragic things I avoided after the first few.
I absently stroked my fingers up and down Justin’s back while his breath fanned my chest, and his hand curled possessively around my ribcage. My cheek fell against the top of his head, and I couldn’t believe how content I was right now. I’ve never felt so calm. So still.
He stirred. “Damn.” Sitting up on his elbow, he rubbed his eyes with his fingertips. “I gotta pee,” he shared.
I shuffled up, lacing my fingers behind my head. “Don’t do that on me either.” I warned him with a chuckle.
He pounced up with surprising agility and straddled my hips between his knees.
“You don’t like golden showers?” He leaned over, eyeing me as his hands slid under the robe and braced on my sides.
“NO,” I replied emphatically.
He dropped down and kissed my chest, running his hands up my ribs. He licked and bit my nipple, then flounced off the bed and sauntered to the bathroom, leaving me grinning at his weirdness.
“That’s good, because I think their grossly barbaric.” He kicked the door closed.
I couldn’t agree more. I really tried not to think about the times I had been forced to be the recipient, or the times I was the abnegator under Willie’s dominion. It was useless as images stormed my mind.
The first time he made me do it to a john had been in our garage. The guy knelt in the middle of a tarp, and as I pissed on him, he jacked off. I was thirteen at the time, and it was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen or done. Up to that point anyway.
More memories invaded my quiet like a virus, reminding me of who I was.
“What the fuck am I doing?” I growled behind my hands. I dropped them to my lap, and shook my head, trying to clear it.
What I had here was a fantasy. Something tenuous and wonderful and I didn’t deserve it. Justin didn’t deserve to be saddled with the demon that was me. A slow dreaded quiver began in my hands and feathered my gut. I flexed my fingers, curling them tightly into the comforter.
I knew I’d fuck it up if I stayed. Not to mention the possibility of damaging Justin in the process. I rocked my head back, bonking it on the bird’s-eye maple headboard. “Ow.” I reached up and rubbed the spot.
Justin came out of the bathroom with a huge smile plastered on his face. And more than anything I wanted to be normal right this minute. I wanted to be able to have sex, and fall asleep tangled, and wake up just as tangled with someone I cared about, that cared about me.
I didn’t want to think about male emissions, and scrub brushes, and black outs. I wanted to live, and have fun, and be a college boy. I swallowed a moan and covered my face. God, I sound like Pinocchio. I peeked through my fingers at Justin.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked, his smile faltering.
I rubbed my eyes with my palms as I swung my legs over to sit on the edge of the bed. “Yeah, why?”
“You looked... um, lost there for a minute,” he replied, concern etching his features.
“I’m good,” I lied then added, “I think a whole family of organisms has set up house in my mouth though. Any chance—”
“Second drawer.” He gestured over his shoulder. “Should be one or two of the crappy ones you get from the dentist.”
I stretched a smile across my face. “Thanks.” I stood up and didn’t miss the sultry sigh from Justin. It made me warm everywhere at once.
“God, you’re beautiful.” His cheeks colored as he turned and headed towards the door.
I think my whole body colored over his praise. More than a few people had commented on my looks over the years. I was prettier than most girls for God’s sake. High cheekbones, dark lashes so long they tangled annoyingly in my eyebrows, petite nose and fleshy, sensuous lips. But this was the first time I gave a damn what someone thought.
I entered the master bath and grinned stupidly when I saw the big whirlpool garden tub. It was set into a corner of windows that looked onto the garden. Lecherous ideas of what could be done in that tub... shit, I needed to not be thinking like that. I glanced around instead.
The spacious room was bright and cheery despite the grey attributes and charcoal Corian counter holding his and her brass sinks, or his and his depending upon how one looked at it. Not as pristine as Freddie’s, but it was clean. Just cluttered with toiletries and a few pieces of clothing thrown carelessly onto the pewter carpet.
While I was peeing it hit me that I kept comparing Justin to Freddie. Even though I’d had a wide and varied sex life, I’d never had a relationship. Not even when I was younger, unless you counted Willie, which I didn’t. Freddie was the only one that fit into the old boyfriend category. That was rather saddening when I thought about it.
My relationships were set in hours not days, weeks, or months. How depressing was that? I decidedly squashed it into the overflowing closet in my mind, with all the other things I didn’t like to think about. One day I would have to have a breakdown, accompanied by more than a little alcohol, and go through all those hidden away thoughts and empty that closet. Today wasn’t going to be that day though.
I flushed the toilet, then pilfered through Justin’s drawers and found a cheap yellow toothbrush still in the cellophane.
I felt better after I evicted the organic family
reproducing in my mouth. I tied the robe around me as I headed towards the kitchen, and a smoke.
As I stepped into the living room six pairs of eyes turned to me. I held up my hand in a pseudo-wave, sauntering straight through. Thankfully, the only comments I heard were; “I thought Justin was pulling our leg.” “I guess not.” “He’s adorable.”
The smell of coffee brewing greeted me as I entered the kitchen. I must have made a purely sensual noise of delight because Justin barked with laughter. I grinned and went into the laundry room.
“I already put your clothes in the dryer,” he called.
“Thanks,” I said, coming out with my coat in hand. I retrieved my cigs, and tossed it over the back of an oak chair. I didn’t hear him come up, but I sensed him and turned. His hands circled my neck as his lips came down onto mine, soft and sweet. I set the pack on the counter then wrapped my arms around his waist.
The kiss wasn’t urgent or desirous, it was slow and languorous. Even so, when we separated, we were both having trouble breathing. Justin rested his forehead on mine, his golden lashes hooding his eyes.
“I don’t want you to freak out... I know it’s too soon... but, I think I’m in trouble.”
I swallowed. “Me too,” I told him. We shared a low chuckle and I kissed him quickly as we pulled away.
“Now that we’ve established we’re both crazy— coffee?” he asked. I nodded, and he flicked his fingers at me. “Go smoke. I’ll bring it out.”
I retrieved my pack and turned on light feet.
“How do you like it?” he asked.
“Black, thanks.”
Outside I left my head alone, letting it settle on its own. The air was damp, heavy, and gray, yet I didn’t feel it. I concentrated on the warmth rippling through me, seducing me with promises I knew I couldn’t accept. I refused to think about that right now though. I just wanted to live the moment.
I heard the door squeak open then shut softly. Justin came up and handed me my coffee. His arm circled around my waist as he leaned against the railing. We stayed quietly in our own heads as we sipped awfully good coffee; smooth and robust... perfect. It was all too perfect.
I could feel myself stumbling around inside my own mind, and I wasn’t really sure where I should be anymore. I wanted to be here, but I was fairly certain that was crazy talk.
When my cigarette was almost a nub, Justin set his cup on the rail and took it from me, inhaling to the filter with carnal pleasure.
“I take it you used to smoke and quit?” I asked.
He nodded, letting the smoke trail out slowly. “Yeah, until my dad found out and tanned my hide but good. It had to come down to a threat though. Quit or he’d sell Fawkes. So, I quit.” He pitched the butt towards the garden. It landed on the damp grass near a landscape timber, snuffing out.
“Hungry?”
“Starving.” I replied.
“I know this Italian place on tenth that has the best calzone,” Justin said.
“I could go for some Italian.” I straightened, taking a hefty gulp of coffee. “I smell a bit like a bar though.”
Justin laughed. “I’m sure I do too.” He glanced sideways at me. “Join me for a shower.” It wasn’t a request. Rather a soft command.
I shook my head, grinning at him. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He grinned back. “Probably not.” His eyes roved down, paused, and then came back to my face. “Someone does though.” His grin turned leering.
Damn, I thought all those hormones had died long ago. I felt like I was fourteen again. Justin advanced towards me and, laughing, I fled into the house. Turning to face him in the kitchen, I set my cup down, and then held my hands up. Okay, now we were actually acting like horny teenagers.
“Justin, if you touch me we will never get out of the house. We’ll die of starvation.”
He prowled slowly towards me while I backed away. I was in a real quandary here. I so wanted to take that shower with him, and spend the rest of the afternoon screwing like rabbits. On the other hand, I knew I needed to begin separating us because I really didn’t want to hurt him— and both were new threads of thought for me.
He lunged. I surprised even myself as I agilely, if a bit gaily, tore through the living room, closing myself into the guest bath and locking the door. Justin laughed as he pounded on the door.
“You’re not being fair,” he called through the door.
“You didn’t try very hard to catch me.”
“Bullshit. You’re fucking fast. You showed me yours— I want to show you mine.”
“I’ve already seen it.”
“Ouch. Fine, get me all hot and bothered then spurn me. Tease.” He was chuckling as he said it. “Towels are under the sink.” I heard his hand slide off the door.
Dropping the robe to the floor, I looked down at my flagging member.
“Where the fuck did you come from?” I asked. “Why now? why him?” In response “IT” tightened. “Forget it. You are not getting him,” I muttered as I turned on the shower to warm then pulled a towel from the cabinet under the sink.
By the time I was clean enough to be satisfied, my hormones were out of control and I couldn’t help but be in awe of this. I hadn’t felt a surge of testosterone in five years, yet right now my whole body was zinging. I wouldn’t make it out of the house like this. Hell, I’d have Justin against the wall the second he looked at me. The guy had me in a frenzy, and I couldn’t deny I rather liked it.
In a creative stance on the edges of the tub, I pounded one out. A few lurid thoughts of Justin showering had “IT” decorating the drain rather quickly. He appeared to be completely enamored over the blond with the beautiful eyes.
Once I caught my breath, I was appalled to see I was still fairly hard. It didn’t take long to bring myself to fruition a second time, and “IT” finally went limp.
It took another five minutes of vigorous washing, with eyes closed, before I could allow myself out of the shower. I sat on the edge of the tub and scoured my feet last.
How weird would it be if I bleached down Justin’s shower? High end of the weirdometer I was sure. I didn’t plan to use it again. I rinsed it with hot water and somehow managed to turn my back to it.
I donned Justin’s robe and headed to the laundry room. Justin wasn’t out yet, but the cleaning crew had moved to the kitchen. As I walked into the laundry room a rather average brunette followed me in and closed the door.
“You’re not exactly my type,” I said.
Her brown eyes glared stonily at me. “Shut up,” she snapped.
What was it about girls? They seemed to be born with that perfect bitchy attitude.
“Justin really likes you.”
“I noticed,” I said, making her lips thin down in warning.
I leaned back against the washing machine, crossing my arms over my chest. She had something to say and I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to leave until she said her piece.
“I’ve known him since we were kids. He’s sensitive, and it’s hard for him to like anyone. It’s been a long time since he has shown any interest. I mean in a relationship, something more than sex. Just... damn it... don’t hurt him.”
Her words cut a little, and I cringed inwardly. I was going to hurt him. But the short term pinch would be better than the long term pain.
“Is that all?” I asked.
Her chocolate eyes searched my face thoroughly. “Please, don’t hurt him,” she pleaded, then turned and opened the door.
“Kelly, what were you doing in there with my boyfriend?” Justin’s voice was raised and trying to be joking, but I heard the suspicion there.
Kelly laughed nervously. “I don’t think you have to worry. I’m not his type.”
I missed the rest of the conversation. Shit. Fuck. Boyfriend? Damn it. Why did he have to go and say that? A moan pushed out my lips but I bit it back before it became a wail. Sweat broke out across my shoulders and I began to shake as panic set in.
I dressed quickly, the hysteria thickening as my mind twisted on the words boyfriend and relationship. I had to leave. I had to go home, now. Exiting the laundry room, I high tailed it to the front door, with Justin yelling at Kelly as he came after me.
He caught me a few feet from kitten, wrenching me around by my arm.
“Trey, whatever she said to you, forget it,” he said, fury firing in his eyes.
“It’s not... I can’t do this. I’m wrong... I’m all wrong.” Just saying the words tore at me. I didn’t want to be different. I hated myself for being this way. For being so weak.
“Jesus, Trey, you’re shaking,” he said, the anger leaving as alarm overtook him. He reached up to touch my face and I jerked away, shaking my head.
“Don’t... please don’t. I have to go. I have to go.” I pulled away, and stumbled to kitten’s door, hitting her alarm to unlock it.
“Trey?” Justin’s voice came through very small. I climbed into kitten and fired her up. Home. I just needed to go home and I would forget this weekend, forget Justin, forget whispered promises, forget it all.
I backed out, shifted to first and hit the gas just as I heard my name. The desperate sound cut into me. As I barreled down the tree oppressed drive I glanced, unbidden, in the rearview mirror, and the knife twisted and tore. Justin was crumpled behind Fawkes with his head in his hands.
It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t come here for this. Even so, I yelled and my palm struck the steering wheel several times as my foot slammed the accelerator down. Kitten shot out onto eighth in a squeal of rubber and a mighty roar. I pounded through the gears, ran yellow lights, and didn’t slow down until I was halfway across the 520 bridge. At which time I finally fell back into my right mind.
Idiot. He was just a fuck— A damn good one— but still just a fuck, nothing more. I glanced at the lake, miles of water, silver and calm. I started laughing and couldn’t stop. I felt insane... more insane than I normally did. And that thought had me laughing harder.
Chapter Eleven
The next few hours saw me either laughing uncontrollably, or curled up weeping. I didn’t know what had happened to me, but I was raw and NOT in control. I dug out my one bottle of Stoli, hidden in the back of my normal closet, and worked through it. Somewhere along the journey, I passed out and crashed to the floor.
