by Tara Spears
I drew in a breath and let the words ride out on my exhale. “I found my father face down in his study when I was eight. A blood clot made it to his brain. He didn’t feel anything. Just... died.” I concentrated on the hedge of azaleas ahead of us.
“I’m sorry to hear that. Did you love him?”
I nodded. “I want to tell you what happened after that. It explains who I am, why I’m the way I am.” I turned my head towards him and his tipped sympathetically. “Justin, don’t pity me— not ever.”
He pulled his lips between his teeth as he inclined his head. I began walking down the path again. I wasn’t sure I could look at him while I told him. I didn’t want to see what emotions traveled over his face.
“My mother lost it. She started drinking and within months she lost the house and we had to move into a studio apartment. She got a job as a hostess at this upper end club, and met Willie there. A few months later they were married, shortly thereafter mom began to spiral away. Soon she was shooting up two... three, times a day. Willie didn’t seem to care, and that first year he was sweet and compassionate to me. He treated me like I was his own son.
“I was ten the first time he came into my room. He’d been drinking. I don’t remember much about those first times, and it wasn’t until a few months later that he managed penetration.” I said, causing Justin to suck in a breath as he cinched down around my hand. “I think my mother knew those first months. She just didn’t care. She became reclusive, living in her bedroom, and soon she was just a body while her mind lived wherever the heroin took her.” I paused and took a few cleansing breaths. They didn’t help. Nothing would ever wash out the pain of my mother’s betrayal.
“Oh, Trey—”
I shook my head firmly, knowing if I stopped I wouldn’t begin again. Justin blew out a breath, but stayed his tongue. I went on.
“At first I was afraid, then angry, and at some point I started fighting back. That’s when he started hitting me, tying me up, and threatening me. By the time I was thirteen he had a pretty firm hold of me, and my mother rarely functioned anymore. She’d come out of her druggy world just enough to wander around in a daze, maybe eat, or let Willie fuck her, then she’d go back under.
“Willie began pimping me when I was thirteen. He told me he owned me because my mother had shot all his savings into her arm. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning. Clients would come to the house, or I would go to theirs. A few months later we started working the Ave and things got tougher. I became depressed, and finally told a counselor at school.” I wrinkled my nose at the unpleasant memory.
“Rather than calling the cops, he called Willie, and somehow Willie made up a plausible story about my health, my mom dieing... I don’t know for sure, but they believed him. I never told anyone again. From then on I folded up and kept to myself.” I paused, pushing my mind forward through the things Justin didn’t need to know. My mind slammed to a stop on an event that was relatively significant.
“My mom overdosed, dieing just before my sixteenth birthday. Two weeks later Willie had a house party to celebrate, inviting most of my clients. To this day I can’t remember even a minute of it. He drugged me somehow, but I’ve never figured out how.” I shook my head slightly as my eye twitched.
“Something happened to me while I was out. My mind closed down, or took over, or something. Pieces have been missing ever since. But they’re not gone. They’re just hidden from me. They have a tendency to reappear while I sleep, putting me through these horrid interactive nightmares.”
Justin clamped down on my hand, stopping to pick off the dead casings on some daffodils. He didn’t say anything, but he was breathing erratically, and the veins along his neck and arms were pronounced. I wondered if I should go on when he turned and continued walking towards the gazebo.
He snuck a concerned glance my way while I concentrated on appearing normal. I was rather surprised I had made it this far without my body rattling apart. Justin’s shoulders lowered slightly and his thumb began caressing the back of my hand. God, I must have been convincing. I was a better liar than I thought.
I cleared my throat. “The neighbor found me nine days after the party, unconscious on the floor. I woke up in a hospital. I should have died, but I didn’t for some reason. I spent some time at Fairfax, then stayed a day at a foster home before taking off. They never found Willie. He just disappeared. Closed his accounts, closed his office, and let the house go back to the bank. Poof... gone.” I couldn’t help the small rueful chuckle. “I think he thought he had finally killed me. I went back to the house, got my shit and kitten, and have been on my own ever since.”
I kept my eyes forward and breathed. Justin now knew more about me than anyone, even Marie and Salvo. Though I had left out the gruesome details, the abridged version still provided a decent portrayal of my life. What had I just done? Shit. I waited for Justin to drop my hand in disgust, to run away, to leave me.
He didn’t though. He kept silently walking for several agonizing seconds. Suddenly he stopped, his hand jerking mine. I closed my eyes, and lassoed in my fear. Honestly, what was the worst that could happen? I had been alone all of my life. So really, what difference did one day make?
In response my chest tightened and my pulse pounded.
I turned towards him and found myself completely unprepared for what I stood before me. I knew the look. It was the same one that stared back at me when I glanced in the mirror after a nightmare. A storm raged in his blue eyes while tears trailed down his cheeks. His face was set defiantly while his lips quivered.
“Its over,” I said simply as he shook his head in disbelief.
He clamped a hand over his mouth and muffled a scream, as the rage crumbled in his eyes. Oh God, had I pushed him too far? He let go of my hand, turned away, and leaned over his knees. I closed my eyes as my mind tilted precariously. Fuck, I had pushed him too far. I had taken a chance and lost.
Justin grabbed my face roughly and my eyes popped open. “How can you be so calm?” he yelled.
I gazed into his fevered blues. “I lived through it, I live it everyday,” I told him, having no idea how I kept my voice steady. His eyes pinched closed as he hauled me against him.
The emotions I had struggled to keep under control while I paroled my dark past swarmed over me like locusts, and I broke down when he cried out angrily. I couldn’t stop myself, and clung to him as if my life depended on him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I’m sorry. You’re going to leave me now aren’t you? I would. Its okay if you are.” I didn’t know what I was saying, words were just tumbling out unedited. I snuffled against his shoulder, feeling like a child clinging to his mother the first day of school. Yeah, I actually remember that. Back when I thought my mother still loved me.
Justin’s arms cinched down around me. “What? No— why would you think that? Oh God, Trey, I couldn’t leave you if I tried. You took me over the first time I saw you, and I... fuck, I’ve loved you ever since.”
I stiffened, not meaning too. No one had said anything like that to me since my father died. Johns that yelled ‘I love you’ while fucking me, or being fucked by me, notwithstanding.
“Hey, relax. I don’t expect anything back. We’ve only known each other a week. I just wanted you to know.” He drew back, smiling gently at me. His thumb stroked down my cheek, and the hand that was strangling my heart loosened a little, allowing my pulse to simmer down.
“Jesus, the first guy I like ends up being a psycho stalker.” I managed a sorry excuse for a grin.
He leaned in until his face was only an inch away. “I can handle your insanity if you can deal with mine.”
“Is that a challenge?”
He smiled against my lips. “Yes.”
His lips touched down and he kissed me amidst the awakening roses. Within seconds that wonderful feeling of quiet stole over me and my lashes became heavy. Soon my whole body was leaning against him, trying to get closer.
He pulled away. “Trey?”
“Hm?”
“Open your eyes. You are amazing.”
“What do you mean?”
Justin feathered his lips along my jaw while my eyes remained stubbornly closed.
“You can live through everything you have, and still look like this.”
“Like what?”
“For lack of a better word, seduced.”
I grinned and opened my eyes. “I can’t help it. You fucking turn me on.”
He smiled as his cheeks flooded with color. “I wonder if Kelly’s gone yet.”
“Why? Are you trying to preserve her innocence? If you are, I think you’re a little late.” I couldn’t deny I loved this. The easy teasing we could both fall into regardless of where we had been minutes before.
He chuckled and I kissed him. His mouth parted, and my tongue shot in to play with his, drawing a groan from him. Justin’s hand slid up my neck, his fingers curling into my hair as he held me against his lips. Desire flooded through me and woke “IT” up with a swift kick to his head. Justin felt him come to attention and groaned again as his other hand dug into my ribs. Jesus Christ, I wanted to fuck him right here... or maybe behind that huge Rhododendron.
Someone walking by made a disgusted noise followed by a comment about devils spawn being allowed in public. Justin jerked away as if he truly had been burned by her remark. I chuckled until I saw his face. He was horrified.
“Hey—”
His palms shot up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” He reached for my hand. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
I allowed myself to be dragged along as he strode purposefully to his car.
“Didn’t mean to do what?” I asked, concerned over his abrupt shift.
“Pull away. I didn’t mean to do that. That woman... she... she got to me is all.”
I quit walking, yanking him to a stop. “Justin, hold on. Are you embarrassed to be gay?”
His brow curved down. “I’m not gay. I’m bisexual. There’s a difference,” he said firmly. Oh my God, he was embarrassed.
I shook my head. “Justin, you are as bi as I am, and I’m not. I’ve been positive about my sexuality since my stepfather got me off the first time.” He cringed, but I went on. “How many girls have satisfied you without you having to finish yourself off, or take them from behind?” His chin and lower lip quivered, and he looked away. Whoa. I had filleted a nerve with a very sharp knife.
This wasn’t the right time or place for this particular conversation. Too much had already been laid out for one day.
“Come on, let’s go home.” I put an arm around his shoulders, turning him towards Fawkes. “Give me your keys. I’ll drive.”
He remained quiet the whole ride back to the house, staring at his hands in his lap. Once the car stopped he was out the door, and I followed right on his heels. He stormed into the house, immediately turning down the hall to his bedroom.
“What did you do to him now?” Kelly yelled as I tossed the keys to her. She let them fall to the carpet.
“Emotional day. I’ve got him.”
By the time I entered the bedroom he was already in a ball on the bed. I kicked out of my shoes then slid his off. He fought me for a second when I lay down and pulled him against me. He was cold and shivering. I reached down, drawing the blanket over us. I held him for awhile before I asked what I was sure was a devastating question.
“It’s your father isn’t it?” I asked softly.
My answer was a garbled sound from his throat. I found his hands clenched together against his chest and cupped one of mine over them. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and saw Kelly wringing her hands in the doorway.
“He’ll be okay,” I told her.
She frowned, shifting nervously, then nodded and left us alone. Justin didn’t cry but it took him a long time to let it go. When he finally did, he fell into an exhausted sleep, and I found myself doing the same.
I woke up on my back, with Justin straddling my hips. His hands were running along my ribs while his lips stroked over my neck and jaw.
“Justin, what are you doing?”
“I need you to do something for me, please?” he said, not even hesitating in his onslaught. His mouth came down demandingly on mine. I let him kiss me for a minute before pushing him back.
“What is this about?” I asked, searching his fervid eyes.
He sat back, running his hands through his hair several times as his jaw worked nervously.
“I’ve never been with a man,” he finally said in a rush.
“What are you talking about? Unless our first night was all a dream, I know for a fact you have.”
He shook his head, sighing, and it hit me.
Slowly, I said, “but you’ve never let a man have you.”
“No.” He let his chin fall to his chest as if embarrassed.
I set my hands on his thighs. “I understand where you’re coming from, but... are you sure you want to do this?” I asked, causing his eyes to narrow as he nodded at me crisply. “I didn’t mean it that way. I meant after everything today. You know we could wait.”
He shook his head. “No, I need this. I need to know if I like it.”
“It’s not that easy,” I told him seriously.
He blushed. “I have toys,” he admitted.
I chuckled. “What is it with gay boys and their toys?”
He smirked then leaned down, running his hands through my hair. “Make love to me, Trey,” he whispered in my ear.
“IT” leapt to attention and Justin chuckled. I pulled his mouth to mine. Since he put it that way how could I refuse him?
Chapter Fourteen
I could tell he was nervous even though he was valiantly trying to hide it. He had every reason to be anxious as this probably wouldn’t be the most comfortable experience for him. I had him straddling my lap and this would be the first time I’d let anyone face me that wasn’t a woman. I’d been ridden by johns but always facing away. I didn’t like to see their faces, or cocks for that matter, when they came.
I kissed Justin, keeping his attention on my lips and probing tongue as I massaged his ass. When I paused to lube my fingers he tensed, but continued kissing me. I caressed him, and when I pushed against his hole, Justin lifted himself off me just enough. I pushed harder and slipped a finger in. He did pull his mouth away then, his face growing taut right before he buried his head against my neck.
“Do you want me to stop?”
He shook his head as his arms tightened around my shoulders.
I took my time, “IT” drooling like a sex crazed lunatic as he danced around trying to charm the snake lying limp next to him. Justin’s big cock would have nothing to do with him at this particular moment.
I had managed to get a finger all the way inside of him and began slowly finger banging him. He was still tense, and I was at an odd angle, but I felt pretty confident I could reach his p-spot with some ingenious... there, I found it.
Justin squeaked like a mouse as his whole body went rigid then his hips slammed forward. I stayed with him, not letting up.
“Oh shit!” His head fell back as his cock struggled up.
Another minute or so of ass-play and he was as ready as he would ever be for his first time. I withdrew my fingers and wiped them off with the hand towel Justin had provided. I grabbed a condom, rolling it onto Justin’s cock as he watched. It was the first time I had handled it, and man it was a heavy piece of equipment.
I’d seen, and been fucked by bigger, Dirk with his ugly steroid enhanced monstrosity came to mind, but for a burly cock Justin’s was quite handsome. It sat up straight and proud with only a slight curve. The head was full and slightly pink, while the shaft was dusky, soft, and finely laced with veins.
I let his dick go and kissed him, running my hands everywhere I could reach. For some reason I wanted to touch him, feel him, and taste him. It was rather invigorating actually. Then Justin pushed me ont
o my back, and I might have sighed as I remembered I was about to be the first man inside him.
I lubed “IT” generously, and held him in place as Justin wiggled until my cockhead pushed inside. I groaned and closed my eyes, shocked at how good it felt. Suddenly Justin gasped— not a good gasp either— and I realized I had thrust my hips. I looked at his alarmed face, his eyes full of discomfort, and felt his fingers digging into my waist.
I sat up, taking his face in my hands. “Breathe, just breathe. That was my fault.”
I kissed his cheek, his jaw, and ended with his lips. He braced his thighs, letting my waist go before lacing his fingers through my hair.
“Keep kissing me,” he said, then kissed me hard, his tongue swooping through my mouth as if on a mission.
It was difficult to concentrate on kissing him as he encased more and more of “IT”. My hips became needy, wanting to thrust, but I managed to control myself. The enigma that was Justin continued to amaze and baffle me. When he started to move, I groaned into his mouth. His lower body was so tight, so hesitant and so sweet, yet his upper body was a hot lustful entity all its own.
He tore his mouth away as he pushed on my chest. “Lay back.”
I smirked wondering when he had decided to take over. But I did what he asked, watching him as his hands dropped down on either side of me. His face twisted uncomfortably a few times as he moved his hips around. All of a sudden he rocked back swiftly and his eyes closed.
“Ahh, fuck... that’s it.”
All his discomfort melted away as he began riding me pretty damn hard for his first time. I wasn’t about to complain, because, well, it felt fucking incredible. He was so damn tight I could feel him pressed along every inch of my cock as he dragged himself up and down “IT’s” length. Oh God, yeah, fuck. I knew this was what sex should feel like, yet... I’d never... it had never... I couldn’t... The emotions began to well up. If I didn’t want to break down into a blubbering idiot I needed to stop thinking.
Justin was looking down at me. I decided to concentrate on his face. His tongue as it dipped in and out of his mouth, his eyes as they liquefied, becoming the most vibrant shades of blue. I watched his cheeks grow warm as he drew closer. My hands caressed his thighs, his hips, his waist as he twisted and moved aggressively. God, he was fucking sexy.
