by Tara Spears
“All right, point taken. No paperwork, but I reserve the right to sue you if the need ever arises,” he said seriously.
“It won’t. You really think I want someone digging into my life?”
“Again, point taken. Wednesday or Thursday?”
So, we had reached an agreement, now did I really want to take it? I’d be completely crazy not too.
“We need to discuss some rules, but Wednesday works. I only have a morning class so I leave the time up to you.” I chewed my bite and swallowed.
Freddie smiled slowly then leaned over and gave me a dilatory kiss. I let him. It was just a kiss for christsake, and even if he was drowning in it, I wasn’t.
A sharp stab of betrayal slashed through me and I pulled away, shaking my head at him. It might have been only a kiss, but it suddenly felt all wrong. His looked away but not before I saw his face crash. Fuck. What had I just gotten myself into?
Chapter Nineteen
Back in my dorm room as I stripped out of my work clothes and tossed them in their basket, I debated whether to call Justin and wake him or not. I really wanted to see him but I knew I was too sore to drive. I’d barely made it home. The thought of not seeing him, however, was depressing me.
I stood naked and staring at the shower, debating with myself over whether climbing in there was a good idea or not. My OCD was winning the argument when my cell rang. Justin. My body trembled pleasurably at the thought of him.
“I’ve been thinking about you,” I answered.
“Sexy lustful thoughts, I hope.”
“Mm, not exactly, more like missing you. It’s been a rough night. I was beat up by a drunken biker,” I explained with only a partial prevarication. The guy was a biker.
“Oh my God, are you okay?”
“Yeah, but the boys took a hefty kick. I don’t think I’ll be feeling too amorous for a few days.”
“Man, it just wasn’t your day. Babe, you want me to come get you? Please say yes, I miss you too,” he softly pleaded.
I grinned. “I’d like that. I’d like a long soak in your tub too.”
“I’m on my way,” he said then hung up.
I rattled around my room trying to find the only pair of sweatpants I owned. Purple emblazoned with Huskies in goldenrod down one leg. Not my colors, but I had bought them as a supportive gesture towards my school. I found them shoved into the back of the bottom drawer of my bureau. As I slipped them on I looked at my nuts and cringed. One of them was splashed in black ink and the other a gruesome blend of purple and green. “IT’s” base was a dark grayish-blue, and a green and yellow bruise extended down the inside of my left thigh. The bastard had gotten me good, and he hadn’t even had the decency to pay me.
By the time I had packed a few things, shuffled to the parking lot, and worked through a smoke, Justin was pulling in. My heart soared like a schoolgirl’s as a smile crept across my face. He, however, wasn’t smiling as he exited Fawkes. As a matter of fact his face was rather severe.
“Fucker,” he said, sweeping my hair back from the purple bloom along my eye and up my temple.
I tossed my smoke away. “At least both sides match.” I took his hand from my face, placing a kiss on the palm. My body hummed just being close to him, and I laid his hand on my cheek then leaned into it. I knew I was being ridiculously needy considering we hadn’t even been apart for a day, but I didn’t care.
Justin softened, brushing his lips across my forehead, then coddled me against him. It was exactly where I wanted to be, and my eyes closed as I reveled in the feeling of him, of this, of being cared for. All the years I had been alone, and this was what I had been missing. I wanted this, with everything I was, I wanted this.
Justin took me home.
I spotted Kelly’s Honda halfway down the driveway.
“Why’s Kelly still here?” I asked, merely curious.
“She won’t leave. I think she wants me to let her move in. I’d rather you move in though.”
He said it so casually it took me a second before I caught the implication. I turned to look at him illuminated by the yellow dash lights. He was serious, and waiting pensively, his knuckles white as he clutched the steering wheel.
I turned my head towards the house and an unexpected feeling of comfort stole over me. Returning to my room had always been a relief, but here it was different. With Justin it was different. My past still found me, but I felt protected here.
Justin parked in front of the coach house and cut the engine. He opened the door without a word, or even a glance my way. I knew he was waiting for me to say something— anything.
“Think the three of us could get along?” I asked as he moved to exit his car. He hesitated then straightened and closed the door. I was scrabbling carefully out when he pulled me up forcefully, and kissed me over the top of my cringe.
“Okay, Justin,” I mumbled around his lips, and he retreated an inch. “We need to talk about this more, and I can’t move until after finals.”
He grinned then nodded wildly before latching onto my lips again. Moving in with Justin. I never would have imagined— I slid a hand around the back of his head and held him against my lips— I was imagining now though, and the imagery was rather spectacular.
As Justin drew a bath, I couldn’t get my lips to behave, they kept curling up. I knew it was too early in our relationship to see a real future, even so, I felt I could almost touch sanctum. I’d never really been safe with anyone since my father died, least of all myself, yet I could feel the softness of it teasing my fingertips.
“Is that helping?” He indicated the bag of frozen peas I had pressed to my crotch.
“Must be. I can’t feel anything.”
“You don’t want to freeze them off either.” He took the peas from me, tossing them on the counter.
Justin helped me undress, cringing when he saw the damage to my crotch.
“Jesus. That’s nasty.” He crouched down and hissed through his teeth as his head tilted. “Bastard got you good. My cup shifted during a tackle one time and I got pretty bruised up, but not this bad.” He stood then stripped down.
“It hurts, but it’s not too bad.” I leaned against the vanity, trying not to wince.
Justin smirked and shook his head. “Liar.”
Trying to get into the tub proved just how much of a liar I was. Damn. Once in the tub Justin settled me back against his chest. Warmth seeped into my tired body, and I relaxed against him.
“Now this is heaven after a bad day.” I closed my eyes, settling my head into the hollow of his shoulder.
Justin mumbled an agreement as his hand leisurely played with my hair. Neither one of us spoke again, relishing this quiet and relaxing moment of just being together.
I must have dozed off. The next thing I knew Justin was nipping my ear as his hands ran down my chest, and the water was cool.
“Come on lover boy, I think its time for bed,” he said, kissing my ear. “Before we drown or get hypothermia.”
I grumbled, but grabbed the edge of the tub and managed to hoist my body up with Justin bracing a hand on my ass.
“Ow.” I hurt places I hadn’t even been hit. Every muscle complained as I stepped out of the big tub. Justin clunked the drain lever then draped a towel over my stooped shoulders as I attempted to straighten my aching body. I gave up and sat down on the toilet to pee while Justin brushed his teeth.
He gave me a quizzical sideways glance, removing his toothbrush. “My mother would love you.”
“Why?”
“She’s been trying to get my father to pee sitting down for eons.” He resumed brushing his teeth.
“Make him clean the bathroom a few times, and she might have more luck. I can’t even remember when I started. I think it might be part of my OCD.” I remained on the toilet, drying off my legs. Justin shrugged off my answer and rinsed his mouth, then went to turn the bed down.
As I brushed my teeth, I assessed my damaged face in the mirror. The bike
r definitely hit me harder than Taylor had. The bruise from Taylor feathered around my eye and into my hairline, while its big brother extended up my temple and along half my cheekbone in a cold rainbow of color. I hung up my towel and shut the light off.
“You fixed the door,” I mentioned on my way through.
“Yeah, I had a new jamb installed, and a new knob... without a lock.”
“That’s probably a smart idea.” I fell into bed, whimpering as I landed.
Justin snuggled up behind me and started running his fingers across my back.
“Trey?”
“Mm?”
“You’re still working aren’t you?” His hand flattened against my back.
I cringed, knowing exactly what he meant, and felt my heart sink as my eyelids fell. How fucking stupid of me to think he wouldn’t figure it out. I nodded, not trusting my voice, not sure I would even be able to say yes. His head came to rest between my shoulder blades, and I felt his ragged breathing across my skin.
“I wish you had trusted me enough to tell me.”
That wasn’t what I expected. I thought he would rage, and yell, and kick me out, but his hurt tone cut worse than any of that would have.
“Justin—”
“Not tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow.” He pulled the comforter up and huddled into my back, laying his arm over my waist. I squeezed my eyes tight and brought his arm up to my chest. Even though he didn’t pull away, it was only a small comfort.
I’d screwed up. I should have told him in the beginning. I should have trusted him, but I hadn’t, and now... what? Would my treachery be the end of us? If not, would he ever trust me again? Justin’s breathing grew deep and regular. The speed and ease with which he had fallen asleep provided some consolation to my bleak mindset.
* * * * *
“Mom, did you eat?” I called from the hallway. “Mom, are you awake? Wake up.” I headed down the hall towards her bedroom. Willie had left early, so the task of making sure my mother ate something fell to me this morning. Not that I didn’t have enough on my mind. I needed to concentrate on my history test today. If I didn’t bring my grade up it would pull my whole GPA down. I needed college. There was no way I was turning tricks forever. I had plans, whether Willie liked it or not. Bastard could go fuck himself for all I cared.
I pushed the door open. “Mom?” The bed was rumpled and empty.
“Are you downstairs?” I yelled down the hall. No answer. I crept into her room. I hated coming in here. It smelled like Willie, sex, and sickness.
“Mom, are you in the bathroom?” She had an embarrassing tendency to leave the bathroom door open while she used the toilet. I peeked around the corner. My lips trembled. “Mom?” I whispered. She didn’t stir from the pile she was in on the floor. I stepped towards her and saw the pink foam on the ivory rug near her mouth, spotted the dark stain of urine on her pink nighty. I bit my lip trying to stop it from quivering.
I didn’t have to check her to know this was it. I crouched down in front of her prone body, and laid my fingers against her neck anyway. Not a flutter beneath the cool sticky skin. Her eyes and mouth lay half open, and the urine soaking her gown smelled funny. Sharp and vinegary.
“You finally did it, you bitch.” I swiped at my eyes angrily. I wasn’t going to cry for her. She didn’t deserve my tears. “You bitch, YOU BITCH ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” I screamed at her and felt a little better. I sniffled, wiping my nose with the palm of my hand.
“It took you long enough.” I sat on my heels looking at the druggie that used to be my mom a long time ago. She had pretended to love me once. Then Dad died and she didn’t have to pretend anymore. She gave me over to the devil, and in return he helped her declination to hell. She had finally found her way.
“Good riddance, I’m glad you’re gone, you never cared about me anyway.” I choked and coughed, wiping my face off with my shirt. Damn her.
I hugged myself and began to rock on my knees. Now I was alone with Willie.
* * * * *
“Oh my God, Oh my God... what did you do?”
“I didn’t kill her... I found her this way. She killed herself.” I glanced at my mom before looking into the terrified face of Justin looming above me. “You believe me don’t you?” I asked.
He was shaking his head, and I could see in his eyes he didn’t believe me.
“Kelly? Kelly, answer me!” Justin yelled. His voice cracked as he stared down at me, his hands tearing his hair.
“What?” Kelly’s muffled reply traveled in and Justin dropped his face into his hands for a moment.
“Oh thank God.”— He raised his head and hollered— “Call an ambulance!”
“You have to believe me. I didn’t kill her. I wouldn’t do this,” I pleaded with him to believe me. I needed him to believe me. I never... I didn’t want her dead.
“Trey, who’s dead?” Justin asked, shaking his head as he crouched next to me, and pulled my arms away from my sides.
“My mom. She left me with Willie...” I started to cry.
“Jesus, Trey, come on, wake up.” He hauled me backwards, and pushed me down.
“Justin, what— Oh Jesus, where is all the blood from?” Kelly asked.
Blood? She overdosed. There isn’t any blood.
“Did you call an ambulance? Kelly, call an ambulance,” Justin screamed.
I watched my mother waver then disappear. The bathroom faded away and was replaced with eggshell walls, a corner in a room. I gasped. A circle of crimson wet the carpet. My eyes rolled up, and I focused on Justin red-faced and crying.
“What happened?” I asked in a voice that sounded far away and couldn’t be my own.
“You fucking stabbed yourself,” he said.
I did not. I shook my head and went to sit up.
“Don’t you fucking move,” he screeched at me.
I glanced down at Justin’s hands pushed into my side. Blood seeped between his fingers.
“I didn’t do this... I didn’t do this.” I shook my head back and forth. This had to be a nightmare. I needed to wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Snippets of rattled conversation echoed through my mind, but before I could get a hold of them, they flitted off into the dark, a place I never went. The joints in my fingers twitched, and I felt my bones jarred loose as my whole body began stuttering. Willie... I can’t have friends over. If he finds them here he’ll beat me.
I grabbed his forearms. “You have to go. You can’t be here when he comes home,” I pleaded.
“Damn it. He’s still in his nightmare.”
My mind stumbled forward at his voice, slamming me down in the present.
“I’m here,” I said, trying to concentrate on the shivering of my limbs so I wouldn’t fall back.
“He’s still bleeding. How long, Kelly?”
“A few minutes.”
“In the second drawer, um, um, he needs pants,” Justin said in a remarkably calm voice.
“Did I have bottoms on when I went to bed?” I couldn’t remember right now, but Justin had his blue ones on, so I must have. Justin’s eyebrows curled curiously as he canvassed the room.
“Yeah, you did. Where the hell are they?”
“I didn’t...” My hand reached to my crotch automatically.
Justin glanced down at where my hand was headed, and shook his head.
“No, you didn’t. At least not that I can see... Just blood.” He swallowed with difficulty, lowering his eyes back to my side.
My eyes followed his to the thick ruby liquid squelching through his fingers. My blood oozing out onto the carpet.
“I didn’t... I can’t...” I coughed, wincing. Damn that hurt. I couldn’t remember doing this to myself. How could I have done this and not known? I’d only been stabbed one time in my life, when a trick robbed me, and he had stabbed me in my leg. It hadn’t even bothered me at the time, and I’ve never dreamt about it— not once.
Kelly, clutching a cell phone between her shoulder and cheek, lifted my foot,
struggling to get a pair of purple plaid pajama bottoms on me. I helped the best I could, and just as we both tugged the waistband over my hips, the ambulance could be heard squalling down the drive.
There wasn’t any doubt in my mind I needed to go to the hospital this time.
“Justin,” I waited until he looked down at me. “I’ve never done anything like this. I don’t know why I did it. I can’t remember.” That bothered me most. I always remembered. Always.
He reefed his lips between his teeth then nodded slowly. “I know. If you had, you wouldn’t be here,” he said quietly as his eyes squeezed closed for a few seconds.
My fingers curled into my palms. Shit. I would have died... if I had done this in my dorm room no one would have known until I started to rot. My vision swam as the verity of the situation sank in deep.
Justin’s head snapped around as Kelly led the EMTs in.
“Somebody’s lost a little blood,” one of them said.
Blue gloves, attached to a mustached overly-friendly face, took over where Justin’s hands had been.
“Sir, do you know what blood type you are?”
“B negative, I think.” I shuffled around in my brain but couldn’t recall for certain.
“O it is then. Carl, we need a bag of O,” he said to his partner outside my viewing area. Heavy footsteps thumped down the hall.
“Was this a break in?” he asked before sticking a pen light in his mouth. He moved his hands to assess my wound.
“No. Not that I know of. I found him like this, but he doesn’t remember what happened,” Justin explained.
The man removed the pen light and dropped it into what looked like a red plastic tool box.
“Suicide attempt?” he asked, glancing at Justin.
Justin shook his head. “I don’t think so. Self-inflicted, but not intentionally. He’s never been suicidal that I know of. He has interactive night-terrors and some of them are pretty severe.” His throat worked as he glanced at me. “Somehow, this one got out of control.”
The EMT looked skeptical. “Did he beat himself up too?” Mustache jabbed his chin towards my face as he wiped my side with something incredibly cold.
