by Tara Spears
Even though I told the nurse on duty Justin was my partner, the cow refused to allow him to spend the night with me, hustling he and Kelly out at the end of visiting hours. Justin promised me he would be back first thing in the morning with coffee. He was fingering his ear again when Kelly steered him out of the room. As they left I couldn’t help wondering, having been too wrapped up in myself of late, how often I had missed his tick.
With no one there to stem my declination, I thought about what had happened to Justin, what I was possibly doing to his sanity, what had happened to me, and finally how things could have been different if only... There was a problem with if only, life didn’t come with a rewind button.
Before long I had myself in a state of ruination, something I seemed to be able to accomplish from time to time. With an unsteady finger I pressed the call button. Ten minutes later a grey-haired nurse with hard eyes entered the room. Jesus, it was a good thing I wasn’t dieing.
“What do you need?” she asked in a rather unfriendly tone, as her hands landed on her hips as her chin came up. I was surprised she wasn’t tapping her foot.
“A sedative and someone needs to restrain me,” I told her, clinging in a rather unmanly way to my pillows.
Her face bittered. “It’s not on your chart. A doctor would need to authorize a sedative, and that won’t happen until morning.” Jesus, what had I done to deserve such catty nurses? Oh, that’s right, prostitute, suicide, gay, were emblazoned across me, not necessarily in that order. Or maybe in exactly that order. She turned to leave.
“Listen, unless you want me keeping the whole wing up tonight, I suggest you figure it out.” I grabbed Dr. Greene’s card off the bedside table, and waved it to her. “Call my therapist. He can approve the sedative.” She turned back, aiming a peckish look at me, and of course I snapped at her, not in the mood for bullshit right now. “Lady, if you don’t do this I will scream half the night away. It won’t be pleasant.”
She nicked the card from my hand then strode from the room.
Fifteen minutes later she returned with an orderly, and injected the sedative into my IV.
“You better use the bathroom.”
I considered wetting the bed just to piss her off, but I wouldn’t be able to shower afterward, and that didn’t suit me. Therefore, like a good boy, I toddled to the bathroom rolling my IV stand along.
When I settled back in bed, she was tapping her foot in agitation. I wanted to smack the bitch. Didn’t nurses take an oath like doctors did? I always thought they were supposed to be helpful and nice. The gal this afternoon had been sweet. She was one out of nine thus far. That was an unimpressive percentage. Although he refrained from speech, the orderly gave me an empathizing smile as he pulled my blankets up where I could reach them.
Even with the sedative, nightmares shook me awake several times. They seemed to be getting worse. Not in context but frequency. Well, maybe in context too. I came around wailing into a pillow at one point, and focused in on a nurse messing with my IV. Then before I knew it, I was so deep even the shadows refused to follow me. It was bliss.
I awoke, and even through the heavy fog still miring my mind I knew Justin was wedged against me, breathing steadily into my hair. I rubbed my eyes, discovering my restraints had been removed.
Justin stirred, stretching his legs out. “They drugged you didn’t they?” he asked in a growly voice.
I smiled over the angry protective tone, finding my face stiff and puffy from the heavy sedative. “I asked them to. I figured it would keep me from doing something insane like scrubbing or sleep walking, which apparently I do now and then.”
He snuggled even tighter against my back and yawned. “Not funny. You slept through everything this morning. I couldn’t wake you, and I didn’t like that. Maybe Dr. Greene can find out what they used on you so we know never to use it again.”
I didn’t miss the we in there and blurted, “There’s still a we?”
“Of course there’s still a we.” He sighed, running his fingers through the back of my hair. “I really tried to be rational by telling myself breaking up would be for the best. Except, I love you. And it might be selfish, but I can’t let you go. I missed you last night, and I barely slept knowing you were here alone. I drove Kelly nuts.” He pulled down the back of my gown and placed his warm lips between my shoulder blades. Something meant to be tender, yet his lips seared into me.
I couldn’t believe he still wanted me, and even more amazing was the silly joyous feeling that washed over me. I almost giggled, but I caught myself before turning over so I could kiss him properly.
That was how the nurse found us, kissing recklessly with Justin’s hand caressing my ass. She cleared her throat. We broke free, glancing at her with only a hint of guilt. The kind black nurse I liked was smiling at us. I noticed her nametag this time; Kathryn.
“Sorry,” we both said.
“You know you can take him home.” She smirked at Justin as he nodded.
“We were talking, it was an emotional conversation,” he said with a skewed grin.
She was trying hard to look admonishing, but was failing miserably. Obviously she didn’t have a problem with gays, and miraculously, she even managed to make Justin feel comfortable.
I shoved him gently. “You didn’t tell me I could go home.”
“Babe, they took your IV out two hours ago. We were just waiting for you to wake up.”
I glanced at my arm and saw the cotton ball taped there. I really must have been out of it not to have noticed.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” I said, then offered an apologetic look at Kathryn. She appeared unfazed by my less than eloquent language.
Forty minutes later I was strapped into Fawkes, and we were off to fill my prescriptions at a grocery store pharmacy. Poor Kelly had stood in line at the one in the hospital for almost an hour, only to find out the scripts would be over a hundred dollars. She told them that was ludicrous, and stamped away.
I stayed at the car smoking, while they both ran in with my prescriptions. I could hear them bickering all the way into the store over what should be for dinner.
I leaned against Fawkes’s hood and caught sight of a boy, about eight, scuffing his feet across the damp parking lot. His head was down, and a man I assumed was his father, held his hand, stroking a thumb over the boy’s fingers. The guy was grinning much too pruriently as he tried to engage his son in conversation. The boy ignored him.
I knew that lackluster expression, and my nails ground into my palms as my body tensed. I winced slightly as my stitches pulled tight.
Bastard. I wanted to beat the shit out of him. Instead I forced my fingers to loosen, and took a long drag, holding the smoke in my lungs and letting it calm me. The short blast of nicotine didn’t even smooth the sharp edges off my rabid emotions. I dropped the butt, stomping it out as I pulled another from my pack, and lit it. I played with my Zippo, flicking it open and closed, as I sucked through the second smoke.
I was almost through my cigarette when the father and son emerged from the store. Dad carried a half-rack of beer while the boy clutched two movies in his hands. His eyes never left his untied shoes. His father laid a hand on his shoulder, and the boy flinched. My eye twitched and I stood up. I took one last drag, and tossed the snub to the ground.
I rubbed my face. “What the fuck are you doing, Trey?” I muttered as I marched towards their maroon Cherokee. I wasn’t really sure what I planned to do. I was just following my feet, which were pretty damn angry.
I crouched down in front of the boy as his father unlocked the car.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Tommy, do you know this man?”
I didn’t take my eyes off the boy as I pointed a shaky finger at his father. “You shut up. I know what you have been doing to your son.”
The man grabbed his sons arm. “What the hell are— ”
I raised my head and glared at him. I must have been convincing because he sw
allowed, letting loose of his son.
I brought my head down to Tommy’s level. “Are you okay?” I asked again.
His fingers stroked the movie cases as his jaw worked. I was sure he wanted to talk to me, but he was afraid to do so. His head came up slowly and he peered at me from under dark lashes. I closed my eyes, taking a steadying breath when his face came into full view. His cheeks were sunken while shadows hung beneath his numb hazel eyes.
“Can I whisper something to you?” I asked him quietly.
He nodded, leaning towards me.
I cupped his ear. “It’s okay to tell.”
He jerked back as his eyes blew wide open. I nodded at him and his chin trembled slightly. That was all I needed. I rose, shoving his father against the Jeep. He was quite a bit bigger than me, but I had him. Behind the mask of confusion, real fear lurked.
“How could you? He’s your son.”
I stabbed all my fingers into his chest and leaned in. He turned his head, flattening his hands against his car. I stood tall and spoke against his ear so his son wouldn’t hear.
“I fuck people for money, then I go home and scrub myself until I bleed, after which I spend the rest of the night screaming because of a bastard just-like-you.” My voice cracked at the end and I had to take a calming breath. “Think about that the next time you love your son.”
He swallowed, and I pushed on his chest again as I stepped away. He didn’t say a single word. His guilt-ridden face spoke for him. Justin and Kelly came running over and the man took a nervous step back. I crouched down again, and this time the boy looked me straight in the face.
“Remember what I told you.”
His head moved infinitesimally as he gripped the movies tightly.
“What the hell is going on?” Justin asked.
I stood up, shaking my head. “Let’s go.” I walked towards Fawkes. Justin laid a hand on my arm.
“Jesus, you’re shaking. What was that about?”
I sniffed, concentrating on Fawkes, forcing myself to take one step at a time. My heart hammered against my ribcage so hard I was sure it was about to break through and go bouncing across the asphalt.
“Me,” I said quietly.
“You? What do you mean?”
I shook my head, not sure I could explain at the moment. Or unlock my jaw for that matter. Thankfully he let it go for the time being, getting in the car instead. Kelly squeezed my arm before she climbed into the back. She was a smart girl, and she probably knew enough about me now to have a fair idea what that had been about.
Justin was plucking at his ear and Kelly leaned up, touching his wrist. He stopped, laying his hand on the shifter instead. He stared at me with that goddamned concerned look on his face. In his defense I probably looked about ready to collapse, that is if the tremors rolling through my body were any indication of my outward appearance.
I couldn’t stop myself from speculating on the possible aftermath of what I had just done. I folded over, covering my face with my hands and leaning my forehead against the dashboard. The one time I told a teacher hadn’t worked out so well. Willie gave the school some cock-and-bull story, which they actually believed, and then he trounced me to within an inch of my life. I never opened my mouth again.
Oh God, what had I done?
Kelly tugged on the back of my shirt. “Trey, look.” I raised my head and looked to where she was pointing.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Tommy’s bastard dad was crouched down with his back against the jeep, and Tommy was hugging him, the movies forgotten on the wet pavement. The man looked wrecked. His face was slack while his hands hung limp at his sides. Shit, had I gone too far? Fuck no. The sonofabitch pedophile deserved whatever came his way. I could only hope my moment of indignant morality helped rather than harmed Tommy.
* * * * *
Justin whipped up eggs benedict for lunch in nothing flat. I watched him move around the kitchen with a natural ease, trying not to be envious, and failing. My cooking skills, well— sucked. He set the steaming plates in front of us and I shook my head at the perfection before me. Was there anything Justin wasn’t good at? His emotional baggage not withstanding.
“Where’d you learn to cook?” I asked.
“He’s a great cook, always has been. That’s why I’m so fat,” Kelly said licking her fork with relish.
“You’re not fat. You’re voluptuous.” I took a bite of creamy goodness and savored it. I could get used to this.
“That’s just a nice way of saying fat,” she said pointing her fork at me in what I took to be a menacing way.
“No, it isn’t. It means you’re curvy, womanly. I like voluptuous women, and if you ask any guy they will say the same thing. When their skinny-ass girlfriends aren’t around anyway.”
“Trey’s right,” Justin added around a mouthful of food.
“I call bullshit. If it weren’t for the parties I’d never get laid.” She shook her head, taking another bite.
“And how do you dress for the parties?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at her. I knew most of her problem stemmed from her hideous wardrobe and blatant lack of style, which were not the same thing. Marie could make pink leopard skin pants and a lime green scarf sexy with the right accessories.
“I don’t. I strip in my car and wear a robe the rest of the night.”
“There you go,” I said before shoveling the last bite into my mouth. I was a little disappointed to find my plate empty, but I knew in about ten minutes I would feel like I had eaten half the kitchen.
“I see a nap in my future. God, that was good.” I stretched, forgetting my stitches until they cinched tight. “Ow.” I laid a hand across the spot.
Justin grinned, blushing over my compliment. He was the only guy I had ever met who could look proud and shy at the same time. I wondered if he knew how fucking sexy that made him.
“You know, I’m beginning to realize you have a lazy streak,” Justin said as he scraped the last of his sauce from his plate. “Every time we talk on the phone you’re in bed.”
“At least I’m alone.” I pointed out. “I like my bed, it’s my sanctuary.”
“That’s a double entendre if I ever heard one. Same with your shower. You consider them safe, yet the most horrific things happen in those two places. By the way I bought you a sprayer for the bathroom.” He stood and cleared the table. My mouth dropped open, my eyelids blinking at supersonic speed.
“You bought me a sprayer?” I said stupidly.
“That’s all you pulled from that? Yes, and there’s bleach in the cabinets, but try not to go overboard. I’d prefer the house not smell like a swimming pool.”
I nodded, still shocked Justin had done that for me. Kelly broke me out of my trance.
“What did you mean by; there you go?”
“What? Oh, your clothes. If you learned to stylize, guys would be all over you.”
“I’ve told her that, she doesn’t listen,” Justin said, flopping back into his chair and setting his socked feet in my lap.
Kelly stuck her tongue out at both of us.
“That’s attractive.” Justin gave her a chiding look.
She groused as she went to wash the dishes.
“What should we do today?” Justin asked, leaning his head onto the cradle of his hand. His first two fingers were stained dark. He must have been painting or drawing last night when he couldn’t sleep.
“Be lazy and watch sad movies all day.” I mirrored him, looking into his brilliant blue eyes.
“You think that’s a good idea?”
I nodded. “I like watching you try not to cry.”
He pulled his feet from my lap. “Sadist.”
I grinned at him.
We compromised, ironically, on Pretty Woman. I hadn’t seen it in a long time, and I had forgotten how starchy he was in the bedroom. If I were Julia Roberts, he would have bored me to no end.
Justin surprised me and didn’t cry. “I never realized how Hollywood that was,”
he said as the credits rolled.
“Mm-hm, if you want to watch something more true to life, Basketball Diaries would be pretty close.”
He rose off the couch and retrieved the disk. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen that.”
“You probably don’t want too. What they go through depresses even me.” I stretched, and grabbed my soda off the glass coffee table while Justin began rattling off movie titles. Kelly and I shook our heads as he read them off.
“Beastly...” He ran his finger over to the next spine.
“Wait. Do you have I am Number Four?” I asked with a sideways glance at him.
He nodded, grinning slyly. “Someone have a crush?”
I ignored that. “You kinda look like him, did you know that? In the face anyway.” He did too. I wasn’t sure how I had missed it. Now if I could just get him to grow his hair out...
“Ahyum, Alex Pettyfer is so dreamy,” Kelly said, hugging a pillow and looking a bit too much like a teenager in heat.
Even though I agreed, I teased her anyway, “Now, she definitely has a crush.” I gestured to Kelly. “Don’t drool on the pillow.” I chuckled. She threw her pillow at me and I caught it, wedging it under my elbow.
“Hey, give that back!”
I shook my head at her. “You threw it at me, its mine now.”
She traipsed over, pulled the throw pillow out from under my feet, then huffily returned to her nest on the floor. Justin cued up the movie as he settled once more in front of me on the couch. I snuggled in tight against him, absorbing his scent, his warmth, and appreciating the fact that I still could.
He glanced back at me. “You really think I look like him?”
“You have prettier eyes, and a better smile,” I told him, nuzzling behind his ear.
He drew my hand up to his mouth, biting my knuckle, and making me laugh.
Chapter Twenty-Two
We napped the rest of the afternoon away. Then that night after a dinner of barbequed steaks and garlic mashed potatoes, which rivaled most steakhouses, I remembered I needed to call the Dean. I left a message letting him know I would be back to classes by Wednesday. I informed his voicemail I’d had an accident. It seemed a reasonable explanation, and if he pried, I could cover it all by telling him I was attacked. He didn’t need to know I was the most dangerous of my attackers.
